Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

*No, the way stepchange works, your debts are consolidated and you do not pay interest. That's the point of it. So if her debt was 8k going into stepchange, she won't be charged interest on it.

It's a really good service and more people ought to know about it.

Just saying that it's unlikely - and on a debt of 8k, very unlikely - she's still paying a lot of interest, or indeed any.

@PerveenMistry is there anything that wouldn't make OP "worse"?

You seem determined to paint her in the worst way possible with no empathy and understanding of why the debt happened or any acknowledgment that she did own up to her fuck up and she's doing her best to fix it.

Does step change affect future credit scores etc?

Didn’t finish previous post. It’s unwise debt, yes, but not frivolous. That sounds as though the OP was skipping merrily off to town to spend spend spend. I’m sure we can all appreciate that it was not like that.

Sorry, @Bookwords, we keep cross posting.

I am very sure, having dealt with them, that Stepchange are being honest in that link. They're saying they cannot guarantee they won't pass on interest charges, but they try very hard to make sure companies don't charge interest.

IIRC, there was a web chat with them on MN a few months ago explaining how they work.

I'm absolutely not denying the OP may be paying interest - she's not said either way and I'd totally understand if she felt some details weren't sensible to share - but I do think it's important to be clear what this charity tries to do. Otherwise we'll put people off using it.

(To be clear, I think all the would-be forensic accounting of the OP is just silly and I'm not interested in that, in case you think that's where I was going.)

OP as much as your partner doesn't need to bail you out, he does need to support you emotionally. He is not doing this. The first poster said that he had a right to resent you. I disagree. You are making changes and accept that past decision we're poor. You are trying to sort yourself out. Good on you. Keep being strong. You can't change the situation but you can change how to think and feel about it. You have and continue to make progress, dont forge that

Oh I So emotionally abusive, cusping on financially abusive and your doing ALL the house stuff too???

OP, I believe you to be, an emotional, caring individual, perhaps a people pleaser? Non Confrontational. You have just said you don't recognise yourself. You need to find some strength and stand up for yourself to him. Unless you are scared of him... If so, just leave. This is so unbalanced and wrong on so many levels.

I think it's awful he's being like this with you - you're paying off your own debt - it's not an issue for him.

8k isn't insurmountable. It's a lot of money, sure... but in a 64k household it really isn't that big of a deal. If he was that worried about your linked finances taking the hit with your credit rating, he could have paid it from his savings and you pay him back. I understand if he didn't want to do that tbh, I know many wouldn't - but you are literally sorting it all out yourself.

You've taken responsibility and clearly feel dreadful about it. (not like the previous poster whose partner keeps racking it up on flash holidays for example) So what's his big issue?

If you can forgive him cheating on you (twice) he should at least understand forgiveness ffs.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and that you're going through one right now.

My first LTB after 10 yes on mumsnet.

Honestly feel so so sad for you reading this. You made a mistake when you were in a really stressful situation. He is punishing you every day for it. How can he sit and live a comfortable life and watch you struggle. to you x

(And my DP gambled £15k away 7 yrs ago so I have experience the other side.)

Why can't you sell most of the stuff you bought in order to pay it off faster?

Posted too soon

@SarahAndQuack

You said But StepChange don't charge interest.

Then you said again

*No, the way stepchange works, your debts are consolidated and you do not pay interest. That's the point of it. So if her debt was 8k going into stepchange, she won't be charged interest on it.

It's a really good service and more people ought to know about it.*

Then you said

*I'm not trying to trip her up in the least.

Just saying that it's unlikely - and on a debt of 8k, very unlikely - she's still paying a lot of interest, or indeed any.*

You don't really know how it really works, stating twice you don't pay interest, you gad to be proved wrong. The OP has told you she's having to pay interest on three of her debts! Ok?

@Indecisive12

Does step change affect future credit scores etc?

Well, indirectly it does, but it's a very good solution to a problem.

If you are really struggling with debt, they step in at the point where, otherwise, you could end up with a CCJ (which is more serious), or where you could have to seek bankruptcy. Instead, they consolidate your debts and organise a (reasonable) payment plan for you to pay them off. You can apply to change the amount you pay per month if your circumstances change, so for example if you lost your job, they won't immediately turn the screw.

None of that changes the fact that, if you get to using stepchange, you have already got to the point where your credit score is a problem. I don't think they will take you on unless you've already defaulted on debts - their whole point is to step in at that stage. So, the default will stay on your credit record for six years (as defaults do), and will come up.

That said, if you use stepchange and pay it off monthly, it is a good sign you're taking responsibility and we've found it's counted as much more positive than a CCJ.

I'm absolutely not denying the OP may be paying interest - she's not said either way and I'd totally understand if she felt some details weren't sensible to share - but I do think it's important to be clear what this charity tries to do. Otherwise we'll put people off using it.

You absolutely were, twice @SarahAndQuack, just read back your posts!

OP please ignore the nasty posters nitpicking about the debt. Even if they have valid points from a financial point of view, it is obvious you did not come her for financial advice.

Your husband is not helping you get better, is he? He may or may not be doing this on purpose to 'keep you down', but his behaviour is making you very unhappy, and if he doesn't care about your happiness, he's no kind of husband, is he? He should either want to find a way to deal with how he feels about everything in a way that does not hurt you, or he should be upfront and tell you he does not think you deserve to be happy. In which case, if either of you had any self respect, that would be the end of the marriage wouldn't it? People don't get married to be unkind to their spouse and feel they need to suffer, surely?

*Well, indirectly it does, but it's a very good solution to a problem.

If you are really struggling with debt, they step in at the point where, otherwise, you could end up with a CCJ (which is more serious), or where you could have to seek bankruptcy. Instead, they consolidate your debts and organise a (reasonable) payment plan for you to pay them off. You can apply to change the amount you pay per month if your circumstances change, so for example if you lost your job, they won't immediately turn the screw.*

This is not factually correct, please do not take this as knowledgeable advise. If you any issues speak to step change directly, they will advise if you should speak the the creditor direct etc.

Last post from me, must do some work, but sending compassion to you OP. Be proud of what you’ve managed to sort out so far. Hoping you can work things out and get some support. I had great support from the recurrent mc clinic at Liverpool women’s, really helped me feel less negative about my situation.

I'm sorry but I think posters are doing the OP a disservice here by pretending she is the victim.

The OP has a spending addiction, meaning she is an addict. There is nothing wrong with this and she deserves support BUT living with an addict is very very difficult.

Just reading this thread and the OPs posts show she still has spending issues. Being in debt and it having detrimental implications on your life and marriage but still insisting on buying family and friends and their children presents every month is a problem. There really isn't any other way to dress it up. Having several hundred pounds of disposable cash left at the end of the month and not being able to afford tampons is a problem. No ifs or buts.

Granted, OPs husband should not be being mean to her and most definitely should be doing his fair share of the housework, but just trying to keep up with the OPs half a story and changing story during this thread is tiring and frustrating. I imagine he is at his wits end.

Let's see it from husband's point of view. Wife tells him she's been lying to him for years and has spiralled into debt. She has a spending addiction and is now getting final warning letters etc through the door. Husband is shocked/sad can't believe he's been lied to. Wife agrees to pay off the debt bit by bit to get their life on track. Husband is still angry/frustrated etc at this point. Wife consolidates debt and starts paying it off. Then despite the fact that she has plenty of disposable income left over each month, she moans at husband that she needs money for lunch/tampons other necessities. Husband asks where the money has gone yet again, and wife responds she been buying her monthly gifts for family and friends and if this post is anything to go by, just completely ignores the other few hundred pound she has spare.

Despite OPs protests that she's owning up to her mistakes, this thread is anything but that. You can shout from the rooftops that you understand what you did was bad but then following that up with "but he cheated on me when we were teenagers", "but I'd forgive him", "but I'd pay it off for him", "but if he paid it off I would have paid it back" etc etc shows she really isnt taking responsibility for her actions. At the end of the day, this whole thread is about illustrating how much of a bad person her husband is when to be honest, if I were your husband I would be leaving you.

Stop trying to convince the OP her behaviour is ok because the exact same will happen in her next relationship.

@bookworks, I think we're talking cross purposes, and I do see some of it's my fault as I genuinely thought (and said) that the OP hadn't told us one way or the other whether or not she was paying interest.

But you said I'm talking about whether the OP is paying interest, and I think if you look at my posts you'll see I am trying to make the point about how Stepchange tries to work. They really do try hard not to make people pay interest and she clearly isn't paying interest on all her debts - which she would if she weren't with them.

I'm really not interested in pseudo-forensic accounting and I've said so - there's no point second guessing what the OP can or can't afford. All I'm concerned with is trying to clarify what this charity is good for.

As far as the OP goes, I've said I don't think we can know who's right or wrong, and she seems like a nice person. My hunch is that she is miscommunicating with her DH, but I don't know.

Let's face it the number of people on here who say it is family money if married, that means he IS paying for your debt. If you didn't have the debt you could contribute that payment money to the family, but you can't. So the family IS missing out by your unnecessarily incurred debt.

If my DH was like that I'd be fuming never mind just resentful.

What a waste, nothing to show for it.

Well, I'd say he is a victim. I would not expect to find out my new husband had life-altering consumer debt.

Not sure £8,000 is a life altering debt , its the price of a small fairly newish car, lots of people have that level of debt on a car, either as a repayment plan or a lease plan ? If £8,000 is viewed as a life altering debt then nobody would buy a car never mind a house !

You tell me why a CCJ is worse than a debt plan?

@SarahAndQuack you've twice stated, then denied that "step change" don't charge interest, then advised that a ccj is worse than a debt plan. Please explain why?

My god the nastiest people are on here tonight.
I'm sure none of them have ever done anything wrong in their life.
OP you need to have a good look at your marriage.

Let's face it the number of people on here who say it is family money if married, that means he IS paying for your debt. If you didn't have the debt you could contribute that payment money to the family, but you can't. So the family IS missing out by your unnecessarily incurred debt.

What family, it's just her and DH and he has loads of savings? How has this affected the DH? He's not paying a penny towards the debt and is still saving.