Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

A couple of years since I told him and I've got another couple of years paying it off to go.

To answer previous questions.

I do love him, he has been supportive through the loss of my grandparents and the babies however I had quite a bit of time off work because of depression and found spending as a coping mechanism, he went back to work after a couple of days and I was on my own for long periods of time (he works away sometimes), I do not resent him for this. He had to work as I was signed off.

I have always worked full time, since I left school.

It's hard to love myself, I used to be confident, outgoing and now I'm a shell of myself. When things are good I see the "old" me a little, like when we watch a film and laugh together or when we reminisce about being teenagers together. I feel like I've let myself and him down so I dislike myself. I wouldn't say I'm a bad person, I am kind and caring but I do blame myself and my body for my miscarriages and I miss my grandparents so much. My mum was an addict growing up and my dad had severe mental health issues. I don't have motherly or fatherly support.

Hi all

Can we please remember to stick to talk guidelines when posting?

@SarahAndQuack stepchange don't but lenders do.

I’ve read this entire thread and quite frankly there is some vile stuff here.
OP, be proud of yourself for facing up to this situation and taking action, and sticking to it. I have some understanding of some of what you have been through, several mcs, and although I didn’t build up big debts I certainly did spend in the aftermath of them. It’s not rational perhaps, but I certainly did it. Not once did my DH say why have you bought that, or you don’t need another one of those. Not once. He would have showered me with treats if I had let him.
He would never have kicked off about a debt of that size as he would have had to think hard about what the unnecessarily powerful car on the drive had cost him over what would have been a fine but ordinary car - way more than £8000.
I reckon you are paying too much towards household costs given the difference in incomes. We worked ours out proportionately.
Look back at those statements and see how far you’ve come. Is there anything that you could sell to give you a bit more cash perhaps?

He’s punishing you for an £8k debt created during times of untold stress? Meh is being very unreasonable.
You need to tell him how it makes you feel.

@user234987653

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

Well, I'd say he is a victim. I would not expect to find out my new husband had life-altering consumer debt. She should have disclosed before marriage.

@user234987653

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

Well, I'd say he is a victim. I would not expect to find out my new husband had life-altering consumer debt. She should have disclosed before marriage.

@PerveenMistry no I was debt free when we married.

Couple counselling might be helpful if he has been loving and supportive in the past. He is grieving it might be why he is holding on to the debt anger as a smokescreen for grief.

@AnneLovesGilbert

He actually is the victim of trusting his wife and being wrong. I agree he needs to stop banging on about it now he knows what happened and deciding to stay with her. But it’s bollocks to say he doesn’t deserve any sympathy or understanding for finding out his wife was up to her eyeballs in debt and had an out of control spending habit she was hiding from him. As if any of you would be okay with finding out your spouse had behaved the same way.

Exactly this. It would make me rethink the relationship. But I wouldn't needle about it.

You’ve done incredibly well in recognising your problem, seeking help and dealing with it in a constructive way. You deserve more support.
Condolences for your losses. Some people seem to live pretty charmed lives, others have more than their fair share of grief.
Of course, he has lost his children too, which could explain his mood swings?

I’m sorry, no time to read all now but have you sought counselling? Seems to me that you’re both in pain and have lost closeness.

@Emeraldshamrock I am holding on to hope that grief has changed him and he just need some help like I did/do but he refuses counselling.

@SarahAndQuack

Of course Steph change don't charge interest, they're a charity!

However, the credit card companies are not obliged to stop interest. As pointed out on their website.

www.stepchange.org/debt-info/your-rights/freezing-interest-and-charges.aspx

Why are you trying to "trip" the OP up?

Perveenmistry - what is frivolous debt??? Spending too much while in the depths of grief after bereavement of those who brought you up and a series of miscarriages is not frivolous.

[quote wishes1111]@PerveenMistry no I was debt free when we married.[/quote]

Yikes. That is worse, in a way.

Good luck.

A victim? Have you read how her husband is treating her?

[quote wishes1111]@SarahAndQuack stepchange don't but lenders do. [/quote]
No, the way stepchange works, your debts are consolidated and you do not pay interest. That's the point of it. So if her debt was 8k going into stepchange, she won't be charged interest on it.

It's a really good service and more people ought to know about it.

@PerveenMistry if you've read the whole thread, like some people turn to alcohol or drugs or gambling during deep depression and grief/loss of parents and loss of babies. I turned to spending as a way to cope. I never said I wasn't wrong for it.

@Maray1967

Perveenmistry - what is frivolous debt??? Spending too much while in the depths of grief after bereavement of those who brought you up and a series of miscarriages is not frivolous.

Yes, it is.

@SarahAndQuack stepchange cannot make lenders stop charging interest. Would you like me to post a picture of my letters from them confirming which lenders would not stop the interest?

@SarahAndQuack they can't stop the interest, it's down to the discretion of the lender!

Can you help me get interest and charges stopped?
Your creditors are more likely to stop or reduce interest and charges if you can prove you’re in financial difficulty. We can help you make a budgett_ which will show what you can afford to pay to your debts.
Some debt solutions will stop interest and charges, for example an individual voluntary arrangement (IVA)) in England, Wales or Northern Ireland or a trust deedd or debt payment plann_ in Scotland. If one of these is identified as the best way to deal with your debt, we can help you to set it up.
Other debt solutions such as a debt management plan (DMP))_ don’t force your creditors to stop interest and charges. If we help you set up a DMP, we’ll always ask your creditors to do this. But there’s no guarantee they’ll agree.

As per their website! It's not a definite!

It's important that people fully understand that!

Please pause ttc.

OP - I think you know that your DH isn't showing a huge amount of emotional support here. You need what he isn't willing to give. Have you even told him how it makes you feel and possibly what that means for the direction of your future together? Have you even thought about asking him directly for help? I definitely think transparency of finances is warranted here. Would he oppose paying fully for the council tax bill for instance so that you can redirect that amount to boost your monthly debt repayment? Even sharing the food bill or just paying for it fully means that your debt would be paid off sooner.

You don't have to give a breakdown of your monthly budget but if you did, I'm sure you would receive advice on how to reduce your outgoings by making savings here & there via changing utility suppliers, getting better deals, etc. Every little counts when you want to get rid of debt which is affecting your life/relationship in a negative way. Spreadsheet your spending and make focused savings will be beneficial regardless of the state of your marriage.

[quote Bookwords]@SarahAndQuack

Of course Steph change don't charge interest, they're a charity!

However, the credit card companies are not obliged to stop interest. As pointed out on their website.

www.stepchange.org/debt-info/your-rights/freezing-interest-and-charges.aspx

Why are you trying to "trip" the OP up? [/quote]
I'm not trying to trip her up in the least.

Just saying that it's unlikely - and on a debt of 8k, very unlikely - she's still paying a lot of interest, or indeed any.

I say this because Stepchange are a really good charity. I didn't know anything about them before I met my DP. This thread could give the impression they'd leave people with £30 per month for living expenses, or they'd usually pass on interest, and they really won't.

A marriage is supposed to be two people working through things together. And supporting each other.

Your spending was an illness. You are now dealing with it. I think it is very cruel and unkind of him to be cold to you so often about it.

Have you considered marriage counselling? It could really help you both, because he'll be bringing some stuff to the table here as well. Maybe there is trauma in his earlier life that makes it hard for him to deal with this situation.

@wishes1111 hopefully my second post to @SarahAndQuack will sort out that nonsense!