Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

After a betrayal like this there are options. It is hard to forgive and to agree to move on without one partner holding the betrayal over the other. It is hard to accept that the betrayal has killed the marriage and that you have to let each other go.

It is easy, and lazy, and cruel, to stay and keep punishing your partner with their previous betrayal. It is a trump card to win every argument but it will slowly kill the relationship. I am sorry, OP, but I think your marriage may be beyond saving.

If your DH was really good with money, he would see you paying off the interest on your debts as lost money, he could have lent you the money to pay it off and you could have set up a direct debit for the same amount you are currently paying into his account /a joint account and you would be debt free a lot sooner. Makes far more sense looking it at it from a purely financial point of view.

I have also begged him to do marriage counselling. I love him, I married him a happy, bubbly girl (although I had depression from my childhood, this was managed). Since losing the babies and my grandparents I've become a shadow of myself, I don't recognise myself in our wedding photos. I am so sorry for what I've done, I've told him this over and over. I try to do everything to show this such as keeping up repayments, getting professional help for my depression and anxiety, for my grief. I'm trying.

On one hand, your husband is within his rights to be upset about 'secret debt', even with extenuating circumstances. If roles were reversed and your DH had the debt MN would be much more outraged.

You not having money to buy tampons is a red flag regardless though.

Doesn't look like a loving trusting relationship on either side, and that's the real issue.

@wishes1111

I'm only human, I've made a terrible mistake and now I'm paying for it, literally. I fully expected to clear this on my own, I knew he'd be upset and angry. I expected that. I understood that. What I can't understand is why he can be so nice one day and the other barely talk to me and when I ask what I've done he answers that he resents me because of my debt.

Resentment for the next two years OP, is this any way for either of you to live?

Is the resentment something you think you could overcome together? Through counselling or some long hard conversations between you both?

If not, do you really want to stay?

You have a choice.

Well, OP, it is a process for him, much like it is for you. You're going through a very difficult time, don't forget he was the father of your babies and whilst he might not be open about this, I doubt what you've been through left him unaffected. Plus your lies and financial infidelity. He probably will be hot & cold at times, this isn't something most people just get over with. I know this isn't very nice, but I can see this part from his perspective.

Nevertheless I don't think he's a nice man for reasons I mentioned earlier on.

@mouldyhouse101 so you think four years of resentment is just going to stop miraculously after four whole years?

Just switch off?

He can't

@mouldyhouse101 then either you are very petty or you have a very dysfunctional idea of how relationships should be.

The decent thing if you resent your partner that much and can't get over it, would be to split up and let them be. Not stay and treat them like shit whenever it suits you then use their fuck up as a justification.

I think your husband is an absolute arse OP. I can understand him being angry for a few days, upset for a few weeks, but he is still punishing you after years ....he needs to grow up.

@wishes1111
I think you need to rethink your relationship. I'm sorry you've had a hard time on this thread it makes some pps feel big forgetting they are grown-up.

"I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down."

You were wrong to keep it from him and I can understand why he was upset and all, but sorry... he is your husband. You absolutely ARE his responsibility. Or did you leave out the "for better or for worse" part of your marriage vows? You have taken responsibility for what you've done and are making every effort to change - that takes consistency and willpower which is not to be undervalued, especially when you've been through the mill emotionally as you have.

He was entitled to be upset/angry/resentful at first but it is simply not fair to keep using this as a weapon to put you down. He says he will stop resenting you when your debt is cleared, but will he? Or will he continue to use this as ammunition for the next 20 years whenever he's in a mood with you and wants to make you feel bad? I think at this point it is you who is entitled to be angry. I bloody would be.

OP, I want to provide you emotional support here, because you deserve it.

Yes, you fucked up, but you are fully aware of it and are taken steps to fix it. You husband can feel angry and betrayed. He can feel whatever he feels. This reasonable.

What is not reasonable is how he deals with it. From what you posted he won't ever forgive you and will keep taking digs at your self-esteem. I think your big mistake has uncovered a particular nasty side of his personality he now feels justified in showing.

Yes, you have to pay for your mistakes, but you also have to right not to have your self-esteem trappeled on. Besides, if he keeps breaking you down how will it prevent you from sliding back into bad habits?

You deserve to have better people in your life. I'd say leave the bastard and constinue to build up your own future. At this point he is holding you back.

Firstly, well done OP for getting a grip of this and sticking to a repayment plan. Not everyone can do that and you should be proud of yourself.

This debt that you ran up is a blight on your marriage, your husband may not be able to move past it. When you have paid back everything it's quite possible it will still not be forgotten. Your approach to what makes a good marriage may not be the same as his. Are you compatible? Can you still make a happy marriage? Does he have to let this go so that you both can be happy? Is he able to do that?

I also agree that as the significantly higher earner he should pay household bills proportionately.

Hey @wishes1111 I totally understand your situation as I myself when deeply depressed have spent money on cards/loans etc to feel some kind of happiness which is short lived as the happiness doesn't last long.

Just didn't want to read and run, your not alone in this others have done it to and dont beat yourself up over it anymore as you are dealing with it and doi g a good job.

You do have a problem though and that is a problem he should be your no1 supporter and help you not resent you for debt. I echo a pp and would divorce him if he is going to act childish for the next few years.

Stay strong op itll all work itself out. Bit I would be having words with him though as hes being horrible to you.

I couldn't put up with that. To me the higher earner needs to pay more and to resent you like this is ridiculous. He's being a complete arsehole. If it were me and I was able to move out quickly I would.

[quote AccidentallyOnPurpose]@mouldyhouse101 then either you are very petty or you have a very dysfunctional idea of how relationships should be.

The decent thing if you resent your partner that much and can't get over it, would be to split up and let them be. Not stay and treat them like shit whenever it suits you then use their fuck up as a justification.[/quote]
It's a shame you're so clearly incapable of accepting, politely, that others have a different view to you

I'm sorry if this is too personal, but from my own experience, you need to talk about loss and go through it together. It looks to me like one or both of you have bottled up your grief and a lot of negative emotions and you're struggling to find the right platform again to communicate. This will not go away, you both need to work through your grief. It makes me very sad to read that you don't recognise yourself anymore. I know exactly how this feels and I was there not that long ago. It's a horrible place to be. Counselling, taking time to look after myself (not spending money, exercising, spending time outdoors etc), seeking help with recurrent miscarriage and primarily working through it with my DH helped. Please know this won't feel like this forever, with the right help and time you will get better. I really think both of yoy might need help and whatever happens with your relationship I hope you can heal individually from your losses 💐

Your husband sounds like a complete arsehole. Very uncaring and unsympathetic to the terrible time you went through.
It’s not like it was £50,000!!! It was £8000. People get in more debt when buying a car ffs!
Leave him. You can do so much better than this prick of a man

@wishes1111 this thread isn't going to do you any good.

I'm sorry you've had some of the responses you've had. I'm bowing out but not before telling you that it's NOT OK for him to treat you like this and decide that he's doing it for the next two years.

Nobody made him stay with you. He's chosen this, but he's abusing you and you don't deserve that.

I don't think your mental health will improve living like this.

I don't think you're with someone who cares for and loves you. Good luck with the future but as I said in my first post, I would caution against having a baby with this man.

Look into your options for leaving, just to have the knowledge if nothing else.

Contrary to what some on here want you to think, nobody has the right to treat another person the way he's treating you. Especially after the things he's done himself.

@NC2021XX I'm so sorry for your losses and the fact you're in a similar situation. I wish you all the very best x

In fairness @mouldyhouse101, I think @AccidentallyOnPurpose has very valid points!

@wishes1111

I have also begged him to do marriage counselling. I love him, I married him a happy, bubbly girl (although I had depression from my childhood, this was managed). Since losing the babies and my grandparents I've become a shadow of myself, I don't recognise myself in our wedding photos. I am so sorry for what I've done, I've told him this over and over. I try to do everything to show this such as keeping up repayments, getting professional help for my depression and anxiety, for my grief. I'm trying.

You deserve better than this, wishes. It's not just you. He sees nothing wrong with how he behaves, which is wrong.

£8,000 is fuck all. Really it is. If you earn 60k odd. He's weeping and wailing as if it's half a million quid and the house you've lost at roulette or snorted up your nose.

You haven't answered about the housework split and any discussion about having a baby, OP - you don't have to here, but I would urge you to reflect on how chores, as well as money, are split in your relationship.

I'd just like to say thank you to everyone that gave me the hand hold I needed. It's made me cry but made me realise that lately I haven't felt like my life is worth living like this.

I've never been unkind to anyone, so for every one of you that has bashed me, whether you think justified or not, I really hope you never find yourself in my situation.