Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

They don't want to know because they want to help, they're trying to use it as a stick to beat you with and you've enough of that in real life.

That's not true at all. We can't figure out what's going on and offer helpful suggestions without a better grasp of the figures. It's been unclear whether OP is actually paying more or less to the household bills overall which is hugely relevant, for example. Obviously the OP has been through a lot emotionally and deserves empathy for that. But just saying 'poor you' to the financial issues may be helpful or may be unhelpful depending on what's really going on. OP has chosen not to share that info in enough detail to make sense of it and that's within her right to do so. But advice then will be more speculative. Some people may be asking for detail to be mean but I don't think that's the reason why most people are asking.

I didn't mean a consolidation loan necessarily, another option might be a O% balance transfer credit card. We don't know OP's rating, that's true, but if she's been paying back regularly for 4 years I'd guess it might not be that bad? I don't know OP. I shared my thoughts on your position and your DH earlier on, I'm just trying to help with some way forward to save you more money if possible. I don't know if you've explored all this already but it does sound like you're paying a lot over a long period of time.

I’m really not saying that it’s right for ops DH to not buy tampons and other stuff. But some comments on here are slating her DH for being resentful. All I’m saying is that living with someone with a money problem, who has hid the fact for some time, will be difficult to trust. Not saying for a minute that the op is deliberately lying, but may be minimising it subconsciously, which is what addicts do. And overspending is an addiction.

@wishes1111 - Hi OP, Please just ignore the haters and the ignorant people who keep picking apart every single thing you say especially about your finances. Just concentrate on the good advice you have received.

Do you think you can see yourself living with this man for the rest of your life?
Do you feel happy with him?
Do you think he would actually make a good father considering how he treats you?

These are the things you need to ask yourself. Please go for some counselling and talk it all through with someone neutral. I would gently suggest putting TTC on hold until you know you want to stay with this man.

@wishes1111

I'd start stocking up on tampax / pads in your weekly shop and keep a stash at home, in your bag, car, at work. I would do the same with food for lunch - tins of soup, cans of soft drink, squash, cereal etc.

@MrDarcysMa

Sorry op but he's not resentful of your debt as such, he's resentful of the years of lies. That takes a lot to overcome.

Sounds a bit like you still have a victim mentality as you start your post with all of the bad things that have happened to you/ your excuses and seem to want a medal for the fact you're paying if off yourself. Perhaps this is behind his attitude.

Would you say the same to someone who got into debt because they became disabled or they had cancer?

Stop being such a victim and making up excuses?

@Emeraldshamrock 3 of my lenders refused to freeze interest even though stepchange requested that.

I don't think he's emotionally manipulating her, he's hurt about the deception and that op risked their future stability and is angry.

It sounds like he can't forgive her and is still
Angry so perhaps he should think of leaving.

I think from his perspective it might be the stress of you lying, your depression affecting him, and the miscarriages. Do you both still talk? Have sex that’s not ttc? Have you told him how you feel about him not helping when you’re down to your last £10?

I think you both need to talk this out and clear the air. Shout at each other if you have to and if there’s stuff he’s not doing or doing wrong then tell him. Afterwards agree to contact Relate and have them support you to make a plan. You can’t live like this forever

[quote wishes1111]@Confusedlady246 my monthly outgoings are over £1400 by the time I've paid food, rent, council tax, diesel, insurance, tax, stepchange. I also have to factor in birthday gifts for family and close friends/their children and my pre payment card for my prescriptions.

You're actually really rude.[/quote]
You don't have to factor this in OP. You are on a debt repaying journey and struggle to make it to the end of the month. You should not regularly be buying birthday gifts for every tom, dick and harry.

There is another £100 in your budget.

You don't need to tell us but you do need to be honest with yourself about your spending. Are you an impulse sort of person in the supermarket? Would regular deliveries be easier? How much can you cut off the food shops you do, £50 a month...£100?

Your basic bills are 550 rent, 170 council tax, 30 phone (when is your contract up? Switch to sim only) pet insurance, 25. That still leaves about 725 for your petrol, (could you get the bus to work and sell your car?) food and your debt payments
Guessing your debt repayment is about £200 that means you are still spending £325 towards the food shop at the minute for two people which is waaaaay too much. Particularly considering you never have food at home to bring for lunch.
It looks like if you budgeted properly you could have £300 'free' at the end of the month.

You need to sit down with your husband and go through all the joint bills. What do the bills he pays come to? How much of an equal split is the food shop? Does the council tax need to come from his account going forward?

This all needs to be worked out. Honesty and transparency is what is needed going forward. Hiding debt caused a break down in trust. It is possible that every time you run out of money at the end of the month it sends your partner into a spiral of wondering where it has gone, have you fallen back into old habits, are you emotionally spending again?

@mouldyhouse101 it's been two years!

He actually told her he plans to resent her for two more years!

And you think that's acceptable?

@DimidDavilby

In what way has it hurt him?

You didn't spend his money? And you still pull your weight financially?

The deceit must hurt, the lack of responsibility must be a disappointment, collapse in their living standards.

You have lots of different advice and opinions but your posts come across very defensive. You say you regret your actions but you don't come across as having any understanding of your dh point of view.

Mentioning that you forgave him cheating twice almost sounds like you think that justifies your actions and he should forgive you.

Either way it sounds like your relationship isn't really working for either of you. What if your most recent pregnancy was successful, you would be trying to budget for a new baby, maternity leave and then childcare costs and yet you can't afford very basic hygiene products.

You don't come across as accepting responsibility for your actions, you're blaming them on your losses which then resulted in very poor mental health for you.
Your husband was greiving too.

Spending is obviously a type of addiction and sometimes addicts can have very destructive thinking processes where they are a victim of circumstance rather than honestly accepting responsibility for poor choices.

I hope you receive support from friends and professionals. Focus on getting healthy.

I'm only human, I've made a terrible mistake and now I'm paying for it, literally. I fully expected to clear this on my own, I knew he'd be upset and angry. I expected that. I understood that. What I can't understand is why he can be so nice one day and the other barely talk to me and when I ask what I've done he answers that he resents me because of my debt.

I haven’t read all 20 pages of this, but am I the only one staggered that this dysfunctional pair are trying to have a baby?

[quote AccidentallyOnPurpose]@mouldyhouse101 it's been two years!

He actually told her he plans to resent her for two more years!

And you think that's acceptable?[/quote]
Yes, I actually do.

I think if you think it's acceptable to lie like that when you're married, and to be that deceitful, then yes, I think you should've seen it coming.

@wishes1111

I'm only human, I've made a terrible mistake and now I'm paying for it, literally. I fully expected to clear this on my own, I knew he'd be upset and angry. I expected that. I understood that. What I can't understand is why he can be so nice one day and the other barely talk to me and when I ask what I've done he answers that he resents me because of my debt.

Because he's an arsehole and now he has a handy excuse to be whenever he feels like it and it suits him.

Personally I would leave him, he should be trying to help you get out of debt, especially if he is so amazing with money himself! Your doing the best you can considering the circumstances Xx

@StiffyByng1

I haven’t read all 20 pages of this, but am I the only one staggered that this dysfunctional pair are trying to have a baby?

She had 6 miscarriages. So stop that right now.

@WagnerTheWehrWolf

I've noticed that you get posters, on this thread and others, that like to rewrite the OP's story to make it much more dramatic and damning. So they can berate the OP some more.

Sad behaviour.

Yea, same few posters that just love to hurt and kick a person.

OP indeed sounds very contrite and would just like to move on whilst paying off HER debt.

I think it often says so much more about a poster's real relationship that they would be so harsh towards a random woman looking for some kindness and help.

I really feel for the OP.

It must be so awful to be living with a person that treats you so harshly.

He cheated on her several times and she forgave him....perhaps that was her first big mistake.

OP, if you were my daughter I would be telling you that his nastiness is who he is.

Don't give him the opportunity to abuse you over this.

You don't have children...
You don't own property together....

Get the hell away from this man who was happy to accept forgiveness when he fxxked up but can't repay the favour....even when you are killing yourself to fix your mistake.

[quote ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove]@Confusedlady246 - My God you are tedious in the extreme. What a barrel of laughs you must be to live with. You miss the whole point of the thread every single time. Just go away.[/quote]
Maybe I have missed the point of the thread, maybe you can help?

It's my understanding that the OP came here to talk about her husband being resentful of her debt and not even paying it, even though she would do it for him. Alongside this, the OP is paying off so much debt each month, she can't afford sanitary products and her mean husband won't buy them for her.

The OP has the given vague figures which would suggest she actually has quite a bit of disposable cash each month and should be able to live quite comfortably.

Which part did I miss?

Wow the vultures are out in force tonight.....

Some people on here have really missed their calling as counsellors