Am i being insensitive or aiding and abetting?

[Charlielilu]

Content warning: abortion, birth defect, mentions still birth.

Am i being a cow? SiL had to have an abortion at 14 weeks because baby had a severe defect (not viable at all). The year since then she still talks about the baby being in the sky with her grandma and visiting my 18 month old to play. Every time my daughter points to something in the distance or looks at the sky its "oh, shes looking at her cousin!". She has made a family whatsapp group with updates she writes from the baby's perspective in heaven. She has an instagram account and a community of mums who are the same (but usually for viable baby loss or stillborn) on instagram. This sunday is a year since she lost the pregnancy and she is sad because she wanted to hold a birthday party for the baby but cant because of covid restrictions.
I honestly feel like im going mad with it all. Me and my husband arent religious and dont believe that the baby is sitting on a cloud waving at our daughter. I dont want to have a birthday party for the day she had to have an abortion, because i just think its a sad occasion. She gets angry if we dont mention the baby and always tells her parents that they shouldnt forget they have 2 grandchildren, not just 1. She gets angry and sad if we dont talk about the baby but what can we say at this point? Am i being an absolute knob? I am there for her and never say anything negative or to the contrary when she talks about the baby in the sky eating grandma's food. But I worry what the end game is here and how to explain it sensitively to my daughter when her auntie is talking to her about a 14 week old fetus playing with her.
My SiL is in therapy and seems to be doing well there, her husband sees no problem with it and even takes her staged photos for instagram (releasing a balloon to commemorate every month). Its making me uneasy now. Would love to know if I'm just being insensitive.

@MirandaWestsNewBFF
I think a stillbirth is very different from an early stage medical termination or miscarriage though. This is not to deny the horrible loss that they must be experiencing but I do think in most cases going on to have another baby shifts the focus somewhat.

I feel for your SIL but I would definitely be uncomfortable with this.

Everyone grieves differently but I would be concerned about her if she was my SIL. However, reading between the lines I'm wondering if the behaviour could possibly be indicative of her personality? You say the family have to back her up or she'll "blow her top"? Curious what her personality was like before her loss?

I lost a baby at 36 weeks. A nearly full term healthy baby. Until he wasn't. When asked how may children I have, I don't count him. Not that I dont think he counts, just its so many awkward questions.
This is not a healthy way to grieve.

I experienced something similar - first pregnancy died in the womb at 17 weeks. It had Pataus syndrome and had no expectation of life. I had to give birth and then had a D&C. I was extremely depressed for a month or two. After the analysis told me that there were no biological reasons to worry about I was advised to get pregnant again as soon as possible which I did. It was quite a nerve wracking pregnancy but was of course a wonderful cure. I now have a beautiful 20 year old DD who wouldn't exist if my first had survived.

So from my perspective she doesn't sound like she is coping well at all and certainly needs more help. I wound be as uncomfortable as you are and I have been through it. I never observed any anniversaries but I did write a blog that I never published but it was quite cathartic. Has she been advised to try again?

Although it was very sad and visceral it no way compares with the loss of my dear Mum.

@AmelieTaylor

It doesn't appear that her therapy is going very well. She clearly needs a lot more help.

What she went through IS incredibly sad, but what she's doing now is not healthy.

This^ My mother gave birth to a baby with severe defects - he lived 20 days. She always referred to him as her second child (4 years younger than me). She also had therapy but it didn't totally solve the problem. She commemorated every birthday, the day he would have started school, the day he would have graduated, etc. When we moved from our first home to a home 15 miles away she had the casket dug up and moved to a burial site within walking distance of our new home so she could visit him and he could still be part of the family. She bought the plot beside his and had herself buried there 80 years on.

If she chose to go ahead with the pregnancy would you react differently if the baby was stillborn at wks?

It's irrelevant how the OP might feel if the baby was older or miscarried. OP has stated the facts about what has happened in a clearly written and well thought out OP. Asking her 'what ifs' is pointless. OP has made it clear she has been supporting her SIL but now wonders if her grieving process is healthy. Some aggressive PPs believe it is, but most agree that it isn't, and an 18 month old should not be used in her aunt's grieving process.
If your SIL believes her baby is in heaven then to be honest that's what you need to say to your daughter. At an age appropriate time you can explain that people believe different things, etc, but I don't think you can tell her her baby isn't in heaven because you don't believe. The rest of it, about the baby playing with your daughter, etc, needs to stop. That is not on at all and could be very frightening for a young child with a young child's understanding.
My SIL has suffered many tragic losses also. We all supported her as best we could. Until it became clear that she was actually thriving off the attention (she is a thoroughly nasty piece of work though, and sounds very different from your SIL). She came to rely on the real life and online support from being the mother who suffered losses if that makes sense. When that started to wane she would have an episode that brought it all back to focus again. I think she felt that without this attention, reassurance, whatever it was, that she had nothing if that makes sense. I'm probably not wording it very well. I am not for a second suggesting your SIL is like this, but maybe she has come to rely on the online support/reassurance, and fears what might happen if/when it reduces at a natural pace, so makes sure people still remember her loss. Almost like an identity for her, for want of a better word. Either way, I think it's clear that she's not coping and this doesn't sound healthy. I'd gently do what I could to remove your daughter from this though. What a tough situation. I hope your SIL heals in time.