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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are these lies he’s told serious?

89 replies

Lilachyacinth · 01/02/2021 07:40

Been attending a church (before first lockdowns even began) . Made a friend there, a group leader. He told me he has a job, something clever to do with IT ( wasn’t listening to the details to be honest!) which involves him often going on trips to other counties like France, to fix companies IT. Woman at church mentioned he was on benefits and that his shyness means that he’s never worked.
He told me he’d had an ex girlfriend who was a Romany gypsy who was ‘obsessed’ with him and he said she: ‘really looked up to me, I could do anything to her, she’d let me come home and rip her clothes off. She had schizophrenia and one time she just smiled so sinisterly. I felt like throwing her on the floor and exorcising her.’
Woman also mentioned he’s never had a girlfriend and she hopes me and him will get together. ( don’t fancy him).
He visited my house and I’d just moved back in after fleeing in the night weeks before believing that it was haunted/ demonic. ( It was a psychotic episode I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia) I said: ‘now I’ve been treated, diagnosed with schizophrenia and am on my meds, I can’t believe I ever thought this home was spooky, it’s so peaceful, I’ve even got the lovely old church ( not his church) right outside, I’m basically on holy ground!
He said, ‘Actually that old church is very dodgy. They found something evil under there.’
I just laughed because I’m so not scared of that church, my step great uncle was vicar there when I was a child and the ‘evil’ find was just some old bones which has been put in a plague pit, rather than buried properly. They were blessed and reburied. It wasn’t spooky, I just found it interesting as a child.
Aibu to not go back to this church when lockdown ends to avoid this man (he’s 30) or is he just immature telling harmless silly lies? He’s a bit immature, plays constant computer games and into fantasy stuff. (Nothing wring with that though). My support worker is keen for me to go back to that church and says he is just immature, lying to impress me as ‘must fancy me. My cousin said- ‘Don’t go back‘ because I’d struggled to get friendly with anyone else there ( mostly couples) as I’m very shy.

OP posts:
VinceNoirsShinyBoots · 01/02/2021 07:46

He sounds bonkers. Stay away.

MutteringDarkly · 01/02/2021 07:51

Two different questions:

  • should you go back to that church? Was it generally becoming a place of positive support? Were you making other friends? Did you feel accepted and that this could become a positive community for you? If yes to those, then I would continue but gently. If no, I would look for an alternative.
  • should you continue to engage with this man? Absolutely not. Polite but distant, sounds like the best option here. He may just have troubles of his own, in which case the wider church who know him better are in a stronger place to support him than you are. Or he may be someone who picks up on other people's vulnerabilities and exploits them to make himself feel better. You don't want to let him isolate you by being your only friend in the church - can you join a virtual house group or volunteer for something else in church that he doesn't do (a women's group, perhaps?) so that there's a more healthy balance in your friendships there?

I've got to say I'd be really concerned that he was a "group leader" - is the vicar aware of the things this person is saying that have sexual content, and are verbally abusive on grounds of race and mental health? It doesn't matter whether they are true - they are wildly inappropriate, especially for anyone with any leadership role.

BrimfulOfBaba · 01/02/2021 08:37

Stay away from him. These lies are very strange and point to him not being a healthy person for you to be around. If you want to stay in the church, is there anyone else you could ask for help, to keep this man away from you?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/02/2021 08:48

Agree with PP - these lies are not harmless. (Especially the one about the Romany woman with schizophrenia he could 'do anything with'. WTF?!)

Not someone to be friends with.

Sheleg · 01/02/2021 08:49

He sounds like an absolute fucking weirdo - the sort who you'll see being led off in handcuffs one day while the cops bring out his hard drive.

lucylouz · 01/02/2021 08:53

Definitely stay away. He sounds unhinged and not a healthy person for you to be around.

MedusasBadHairDay · 01/02/2021 08:53

How on earth is that man a group leader?!

OP did he know about your diagnosis of schizophrenia before he told you that story about the imaginary girlfriend?

VettiyaIruken · 01/02/2021 08:55

Run.

FossilisedFanny · 01/02/2021 08:58

Keep well away from this bloke . What sort of church is it , just out of interest?

MaggieFS · 01/02/2021 08:58

@MutteringDarkly

Two different questions:
  • should you go back to that church? Was it generally becoming a place of positive support? Were you making other friends? Did you feel accepted and that this could become a positive community for you? If yes to those, then I would continue but gently. If no, I would look for an alternative.
  • should you continue to engage with this man? Absolutely not. Polite but distant, sounds like the best option here. He may just have troubles of his own, in which case the wider church who know him better are in a stronger place to support him than you are. Or he may be someone who picks up on other people's vulnerabilities and exploits them to make himself feel better. You don't want to let him isolate you by being your only friend in the church - can you join a virtual house group or volunteer for something else in church that he doesn't do (a women's group, perhaps?) so that there's a more healthy balance in your friendships there?

I've got to say I'd be really concerned that he was a "group leader" - is the vicar aware of the things this person is saying that have sexual content, and are verbally abusive on grounds of race and mental health? It doesn't matter whether they are true - they are wildly inappropriate, especially for anyone with any leadership role.

Agree with this.

FossilisedFanny · 01/02/2021 09:01

Woman at church mentioned he was on benefits and that his shyness means that he’s never worked

It also sounds quite gossipy, another reason to stay away.

PrawnCorset · 01/02/2021 09:02

The fact that this nutter is a ‘group leader’ at this church would be enough to see me never setting foot in the place again AND sending a strongly-worded email to whoever is in authority explaining why they’re bizarre choice of personnel has lost them a new member.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/02/2021 09:03

He’s dangerous, and find another church.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/02/2021 09:08

Go back to church? Yes. They are great support

Be pressured into seeing this man as boyfriend material? Absolutely not. I know various support workers love to match make between patients, but it’s awful. It’s manipulative.

Get a new support worker? Yes absolutely, your current one should not be match making you with men.

MechantGourmet · 01/02/2021 09:15

Why is your support worker pushing you to go to church? (Any church)

DHdweller · 01/02/2021 09:17

Stay away

goldielockdown2 · 01/02/2021 09:21

Erm, avoid this man. And the church if this is the kind of pillar of their community they have representing it.

Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 09:27

Next time you see him smile and say you saw him going into the job centre... Avoid.
And never let him into your home.
Take someone aside and say you have serious concerns about him...

UrsulaVdL · 01/02/2021 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knittingaddict · 01/02/2021 09:48

What kind of church is this? I've attended lots of churches, both denominational and house churches and none would have a man like this as a leader. For that reason alone I would be careful as I would wonder what the overall discernment of the people they put in charge is.

By their very nature churches do have their fair share of people with "issues". As a rule they are a safe and accepting place for people who are otherwise shunned, however the leadership should be aware of who they have in their midst and not put them in roles which give them oversight or power over others.

knittingaddict · 01/02/2021 09:50

@MechantGourmet

Why is your support worker pushing you to go to church? (Any church)
Like it or not, churches are a great place for support if you are lonely or struggling. Not all obviously, but most are.
Rupertbeartrousers · 01/02/2021 09:54

@PrawnCorset

The fact that this nutter is a ‘group leader’ at this church would be enough to see me never setting foot in the place again AND sending a strongly-worded email to whoever is in authority explaining why they’re bizarre choice of personnel has lost them a new member.
I agree with this, the church should have a safeguarding rep. Big red flags here for him to have any sort of leadership role
Pukkatea · 01/02/2021 10:07

You have a schizophrenia diagnosis and he is lying about violent sexual fantasies towards a woman with schizophrenia. Get away from him as fast as possible.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 01/02/2021 10:11

Please, please stay away from him. He sounds very disturbed/disturbing. I think you need to report his comments.

grapewine · 01/02/2021 10:18

@PrawnCorset

The fact that this nutter is a ‘group leader’ at this church would be enough to see me never setting foot in the place again AND sending a strongly-worded email to whoever is in authority explaining why they’re bizarre choice of personnel has lost them a new member.
That's what I thought, and what I would do. Bizarre at best.
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