Are these lies he’s told serious?

[Lilachyacinth]

Been attending a church (before first lockdowns even began) . Made a friend there, a group leader. He told me he has a job, something clever to do with IT ( wasn’t listening to the details to be honest!) which involves him often going on trips to other counties like France, to fix companies IT. Woman at church mentioned he was on benefits and that his shyness means that he’s never worked.
He told me he’d had an ex girlfriend who was a Romany gypsy who was ‘obsessed’ with him and he said she: ‘really looked up to me, I could do anything to her, she’d let me come home and rip her clothes off. She had schizophrenia and one time she just smiled so sinisterly. I felt like throwing her on the floor and exorcising her.’
Woman also mentioned he’s never had a girlfriend and she hopes me and him will get together. ( don’t fancy him).
He visited my house and I’d just moved back in after fleeing in the night weeks before believing that it was haunted/ demonic. ( It was a psychotic episode I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia) I said: ‘now I’ve been treated, diagnosed with schizophrenia and am on my meds, I can’t believe I ever thought this home was spooky, it’s so peaceful, I’ve even got the lovely old church ( not his church) right outside, I’m basically on holy ground!
He said, ‘Actually that old church is very dodgy. They found something evil under there.’
I just laughed because I’m so not scared of that church, my step great uncle was vicar there when I was a child and the ‘evil’ find was just some old bones which has been put in a plague pit, rather than buried properly. They were blessed and reburied. It wasn’t spooky, I just found it interesting as a child.
Aibu to not go back to this church when lockdown ends to avoid this man (he’s 30) or is he just immature telling harmless silly lies? He’s a bit immature, plays constant computer games and into fantasy stuff. (Nothing wring with that though). My support worker is keen for me to go back to that church and says he is just immature, lying to impress me as ‘must fancy me. My cousin said- ‘Don’t go back‘ because I’d struggled to get friendly with anyone else there ( mostly couples) as I’m very shy.

Your support worker doesn't sound particularly helpful or supportive. Can you ask for someone else?

@Sheleg

That church needs to be shut down! "Curing" people of schizophrenia by the laying on of hands? Get away!

This. I can't stand places that try to exploit people in this way. Given that knowledge I'm not surprised they've attracted people like the guy in the OP

Very glad to hear your update OP!
I am familiar with the type of church you are describing, speaking in tongues is common in some evangelical churches. However I'd be extremely cautious as those beliefs go hand in hand with beliefs of spirits and possession which are really not helpful if you are living with schizophrenia (assuming that the church isn't representative of your personal/cultural beliefs about your MH and even then I'd be cautious). Some evangelical churches focus a lot on finding and 'healing' the most damaged in society but can be exploitative and risky - as you've learned, if run incorrectly they can throw together very vulnerable people without having awareness of safeguarding.

Church can be a great source of support but please don't feel pressured into joining the first congregation you've come across, it's a very personal thing and you need to feel safe. There will be many other churches who will be supportive and welcoming of a new faith

Don’t go back to this church. If you want the support of a church specifically, find a nice mainstream one. However I would look for support in other forms, eg sports group, walking group, volunteering, local Facebook group.

You could write a screenplay out of all these strange folk at the church. Joking aside, none of them come out of this looking too good. Given your medical history, you do not need to encounter stressful situations. You need to learn to avoid people like this. Sure the man may have his own mental health issues, and the propensity of the congregation to gossip might suggest a wider dynamic there that is better avoided. This is a time to put you first, and protect yourself. Distance yourself from challenging and complex people.

Agree with the others - leave this church and don't look back.

Find a nice old traditional church that can support you, and find some women only groups of which I'm sure there are loads (if you hunt them down).
Good luck with it.

I'd be giving the whole lot a swerve tbh op.

It sounds more like a cult than a church and completely weird. I wouldn't go back OP. :(

Id go to another church, maybe a more "mainstream" one....

I grew up in a similar sounding church. A lot of the teaching around sin and illness can be very harmful, and I know several people who've had problems with safeguarding in evangelical churches. I wouldn't go back.

I no longer believe, but I do miss the sense of community. Recently I have been going to a (now online) parent and baby group run by a calmer C of E church, which I've found a lot better. If you want to continue attending a church, you could look for a quieter, more traditional church. Or look on www.inclusive-church.org/find-a-church for churches which have made commitments to equality, including for people with disabilities and mental health issues.

Of course, you could also step away from churches and find a different community. Women's Institute, Trefoil Guild, or something like a choir or sports team?

OP well done for trusting your instincts and reporting what's going on at this church. So much wrong with it! The pastor is an utter disgrace, I really dislike the exploitation of vulnerable people with all this performative 'healing' stuff. The only way anyone at the church should know about your diagnosis is if you tell them yourself.

As for the man you befriended, please avoid him. I would probably just block him on your phone/ social media.

If he's a church leader (or even a decent person) he shouldn't be telling you his violent sexual fantasies about a woman with your condition, whether they happened in real life or not. And he certainly should not have been trying to scare you about your house once you'd recovered enough to get yourself home.

You sound strong, clever and insightful. Please dont let people like this man and the pastor into your life when you're doing a great job of building yourself up from what sounds like a really tough time.

I wonder if the "schizophrenic girlfriend" is his confabulation from learning about your schizophrenia? His tales are so fantastical that he makes himself unbelievable; not the sign of an accomplished liar. Not your responsibility to give headspace to the reasons for his odd behaviour!
You could register your concern for his mental health, if you wish to make further contact with this church, but agree with others that it's definitely not the church for you!
Most churches have some sort of newsletter, or a website, where you can get an idea of their "style" without committing yourself in haste.
This suggestion may have to wait until lockdown eases, but have you considered checking out your nearest community centre? The one I usually attend (weight watching!) has posters up for all sorts of activities, some of which do not appeal to me at all, others which look intriguing, and one (a Film Club) whose events I have really enjoyed! One is a really low-key "drop by for a coffee and chat" session, probably aimed at folks a bit older than you, but you get the idea.

Definitely do jot engage further with him. The fact that he knew about your diagnosis and then made that statement about his "ex-girlfriend" is actually quite sinister / frightening. The church also sounds weird. I'd find somewhere else too (I see you're looking).

No I'd say he sounds dangerous tbh.

Compulsive liar
Lies about things related to your struggles (haunting, schizophrenia) to seem like he 'gets you'
Loner
Never had a girlfriend (not worrying on its own but together with the other stuff may be)

Could turn into a stalker situation.

Also that church sounds a little nuts and like the ones led by 'celebrity pastors' that get people in debt to be saved.

Maybe try another denomination? Protestant churches are usually more old fashioned than evangelical styles

Your support worker is giving you rubbish advice.

This church doesn't sound like a good fit for you - in fact, it sounds quite dangerous. You sound as if you instinctively know that you need a calmer, gentler and kinder group to meet with.

Yes. I would find a more traditional CofE church, where the services will be calming and spiritual, and the members more 'ordinary', This place is high octane, and really not a good fit for someone wit schizophrenia.

Plenty of other -decent -churches to go to OP. You could get. Feel for them by attending online services first.

Your old church isn’t being managed properly, and isn’t suitable for anyone let alone anyone vulnerable.

If you’re trying to find an activity try Yoga with Adrienne - it’s free. Best of luck.

I've read your updates and I would say there is absolutely nothing wrong with your boundaries. Never let anyone erode them. Don't push yourself to go along with this weird church group thinking others know better than yourself. Your support worker is doing her job, don't feel guilty about her caseload. You wouldn't be ticked off her list if you were to be left to this church group, you'd merely be exposed to a load of abusive shit. Not trusting men in general is fine, too. As is dealing with only women professionals. All ok.

Thankyou so much xx

@MutteringDarkly

Two different questions:

• should you go back to that church? Was it generally becoming a place of positive support? Were you making other friends? Did you feel accepted and that this could become a positive community for you? If yes to those, then I would continue but gently. If no, I would look for an alternative.
• should you continue to engage with this man? Absolutely not. Polite but distant, sounds like the best option here. He may just have troubles of his own, in which case the wider church who know him better are in a stronger place to support him than you are. Or he may be someone who picks up on other people's vulnerabilities and exploits them to make himself feel better. You don't want to let him isolate you by being your only friend in the church - can you join a virtual house group or volunteer for something else in church that he doesn't do (a women's group, perhaps?) so that there's a more healthy balance in your friendships there?

I've got to say I'd be really concerned that he was a "group leader" - is the vicar aware of the things this person is saying that have sexual content, and are verbally abusive on grounds of race and mental health? It doesn't matter whether they are true - they are wildly inappropriate, especially for anyone with any leadership role.

Agreed.

Back away , now.
As to this Church... it sounds a bit 'cultish.'
How about going to the lovely old church near to your home where you feel at peace? Speak to the vicar there and tell him/her about how you feel.
This man is dangerous and as to being healed/speaking in tongues! Just no.

@PrawnCorset

The fact that this nutter is a ‘group leader’ at this church would be enough to see me never setting foot in the place again AND sending a strongly-worded email to whoever is in authority explaining why they’re bizarre choice of personnel has lost them a new member.

absolutely agree 🌺

He sounds odd & a fantasist. I'd be very wary of him. Group Leader? Of what? I'd be leary of him being around teens or children as he sounds very immature and has very odd ideas ( throw someone down on the floor & exorcise them ? WTAF). Have they CRB checked him if he's around under 18's in an official position/role? Don't be alone with him either as his imsturity prob means he'll misinterpret your friendship: & that could be dangerous. If you hadn't made any friends at that Church is it really any loss to find a new one with a more mixed congregation & maybe more social activities? I would avoid that Church now.

He sounds absolutely mental and I would male sure I wasn't alone with him ever again!