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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not to know how to deal with this

91 replies

Funkyslippers · 31/01/2021 19:24

I used DD's razor for my legs earlier, I couldn't find a spare one so used hers and forgot to put it back where it was. BTW I'm not a hairy person by any means so there was hardly anything to shave!

Anyway she comes thundering into the kitchen a while later demanding to know if I'd used it. I said yes and apologised straight away. She then shouted at me really aggressively and called me stupid. OH asked what she was shouting about and I heard her tell him what had happened and she shouted "God, she's so thick!"

I was so taken aback I just went up to our bedroom and had a cry. I couldn't believe a child of mine could speak to me like that. She's quite fiery at times but we have a great relationship most of the time. She often asks for favours etc and I've been wondering why I've been helping her out when she speaks to me like that. I have been crying on and off since. I feel pathetic. OH said he thought she had over reacted but she was a typical teenager. I said there is no excuse for speaking like that, no matter what the situation. Should I just take some time to let it pass or tell her it's unacceptable, even though I was in the wrong to start with? I'm so upset I can't think straight at the moment

OP posts:
RedskyBynight · 31/01/2021 19:32

It's not very hygienic to use someone else's razor (and why couldn't it wait if there was not much to shave!?) so I wouldn't be very pleased either if I was your DD.

Is she the sort that might spontaneously apologise once she's calmed down? If not, I'd wait until she is, apologise again for taking her razor, promise to get her a new one but then point out that the way she spoke to you is not acceptable and she needs to think about a different way she could have handled the situation. I don't think I'd do more than that - you were the one in the wrong in the first place.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 19:35

You would be mad to allow her to get away with such horrible, disrespectful behaviour. The consequences for this need to come swiftly.

Grumpasaurus · 31/01/2021 19:36

With kindness, I would say you are overreacting.

Fair enough if your DH had said it or even explicitly agreed with her- that would be uncalled for.

But a pissed off teenager in lockdown reacting to a perceived invasion of privacy- brush it off. Tell her you were hurt by her words and move on.

To be crying on and off seems OTT to me. Is everything else okay?

Biscuits25 · 31/01/2021 19:37

Using someone else's razor is grim but there is absolutely no way that my girls would get away with speaking to or about me in such a way! Put your bloody foot down!

mbosnz · 31/01/2021 19:38

While I hate the idea of people using my razor (in fact I keep mine separate and out of the shower, because I'm pretty certain people were glaring sideways at daughter), that is completely out of line. You would not speak to her or about her like that (I'm assuming), and she does not get to speak to you, or about you, like that. She needs to learn to express herself within acceptable parameters - fiery or not.

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 19:38

She's a teen - it sounds like a typical teenage emotion surge to me.

I can understand why you are upset - it's quite shocking the first time, but it's not you - it's the hormones. Be calm and collected with her.

When she is calmer I'd apologise again, but tell her firmly that talking to you like that is not OK. As PP above, tell her she needs to think about how to handle situations like this, because if she flies off the handle about a small thing again there will be consequences (you need to decide what these are - a small financial penalty if she has an allowance for example.)

I don't quite agree w PP above with you being wrong - I mean yes, technically - but in any houseshare people are going to borrow things, whether by design or accident, and tolerance is key. But I'd avoid even getting into this.

Bagelsandbrie · 31/01/2021 19:39

What is she upset about? That you used it or went in her bedroom to get it or ...? How old is she?

Fair enough it’s not nice to use someone else’s razor but it’s not nice for her to speak to you like that. You’ve apologised and so should she. Next time there’s a shopping trip / delivery order her some more.

Spoonofnutella · 31/01/2021 19:41

You are both wrong in this situation. You were wrong to borrow her razor because that's disgusting and she was wrong to start shouting at you. She's a teenager learning how to navigate these sorts of situations and it's your job to help her, not spend a few hours crying on and off.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 31/01/2021 19:42

The using of the razor is what she's upset about, I didn't go in her room or anything. No I try never to raise my voice, and never call her stupid or thick!!!

I guess I am being a bit OTT as I'm just so shocked at how she reacted because of how well we usually get on

OP posts:
Original poster
Funkyslippers · 31/01/2021 19:42

She's 17

OP posts:
EllieRosesMammy · 31/01/2021 19:44

YANBU but also YABU at the same time 😂 basically, shes a teenager so it's just a typical outburst. The thing that you did wasnt unreasonable to a normal person, but to a teenager its "absolutely the end of the world mum oh my God how could you do this to me I cant wait to move out and not deal with this stuff". I feel like I wasnt too much of an angsty teenager with my mum (I'm 25 now) but my sister, who's 18 now, definitely is. Although the way my sister speaks to my mum I'd of never got away with and I definitely dont agree with it! So, you're not being unreasonable by being upset that she would speak to you like that but also you are being unreasonable because shes a teenager and thats unfortunately just what they're like 😭❤

1vandal2 · 31/01/2021 19:44

Absolutely disgusting to use someone else's personal hygiene products. I would have gone mad too.

saraclara · 31/01/2021 19:46

She's a teen - it sounds like a typical teenage emotion surge to me.

Sorry, but no. Yes they have emotion surges, but what she did and said was inexcusable. Ignoring this stuff is a really bad idea.

OP, you need to have a firm but calm word with her, and your DH should absolutely have taken your side and told her that this behaviour was unacceptable.

Royalbloo · 31/01/2021 19:46

Tell her she's upset you but I'd take a moment to remember you're the adult (and you probably bought them anyway) so buy her another, apologise and that's that, no?

Royalbloo · 31/01/2021 19:47

She needs to learn how to explain her feelings calmly and with validity and that shouting and name calling undermine her point and upsets people.

saraclara · 31/01/2021 19:47

you are being unreasonable because shes a teenager and thats unfortunately just what they're like

Again. No.

We were far from stern disciplinarians, but our girls knew what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour, and would never have done this.

Pancakeorcrepe · 31/01/2021 19:49

She was very rude and disrespectful but what possessed you to use her razor? That’s just awful

TheChip · 31/01/2021 19:49

Yabu for using her razor. Yanbu to expect her not to speak to you that way.

Id apologise for using it but then firmly tell her to never speak to you like that again.

dailybriefing · 31/01/2021 19:50

Not acceptable to speak to you like that but how disgusting to use someone else's razor. I guess you wouldn't have told her if you'd remembered to put it back? Envy

Pancakeorcrepe · 31/01/2021 19:50

Also if she knew you had used it,you must have left it dirty or wet. The least you could have done is tell her you had used it so she could replace the blade

Cherrysoup · 31/01/2021 19:51

I’m amazed at people saying it’s the OP’s fault. Really? So she shouldn’t have used the razor, it’s unhygienic and icky, but no way should her dd be shouting at her and calling her thick! So bloody rude!

Reinventinganna · 31/01/2021 19:52

I would hate the thought of someone using my razor (even family).

You are both over the top in your reactions. She shouldn’t speak to you like that but I would imagine emotions are running high due to lockdown etc. Pick your battles.

Apologise and move on (and buy both of you a new razor each!).

HollowTalk · 31/01/2021 19:54

She's 17? That's far too old for a temper tantrum like that. As for it being unhygienic, well, it probably is, but teenagers are not really noted for having that as an issue.

I would wait until you're calm and then tell her that she is never to speak to you like that again, otherwise she could find herself somewhere else to live. It's not on.

Gutted2day · 31/01/2021 19:54

Ok she has got the hump with you (p.s I used to use my mums razor all the time when I was a teen Blush) BUT I wouldn't be having the way she spoke to you abouy it. Let her cool off and get the tears out of your system and then have a chat. Doesn't need to be a telling off just discuss your views of the situation and how sad it made you feel. Honestly teen hormones are pretty explosive and with the lockdown doesn't take much to reach their threshold. Hope you're feeling better soon x

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 19:56

you are being unreasonable because shes a teenager and thats unfortunately just what they're like

Says who? My children, who are now adults, never once spoke to me like that. They wouldn't have even dreamed of doing so. I never spoke to my parents like that, and the same for my husband. No one in my home is allowed to speak to others like this, and not just teenagers. It's just unacceptable. It's perfectly fine to be angry, upset, frustrated, whatever, but you still have to handle your emotions respectfully. If this type of behaviour is common in your household, something is wrong. I find many parents set a very low bar for their teens behaviour.