To make a full roast AND do the washing up?

[Jasoninadress]

Aibu to be a bit pissed off to spend a couple of hours making a lovely roast dinner for my family and to have all the dishes and cleaning left to me to wash up too?

Normally whoever cooks does the washing up in this house. I load the dishwasher, wipe down down the surfaces, wash dry and put away big items as I go.
Dh uses every single pan/bowl/utensil and then leaves everything until afterwards.
It means the person who is cooking does more but the person who’s night off it is gets a proper break.

I am the use-every-pot cook and DH is not... but we generally do who hasn't cooked washes up. But sometimes I do also wash up in recognition of the bigger clean up job. Or I dry while he washes so we work together.

More or less it's all enough in balance that no-one has to keep count.

If you're doing all the cooking though, inevitably there will be lots of times that you both cook and wash up. Maybe let DH cook sometimes?

Maybe the better idea is to talk to DH about a routine where whoever isn't doing bedtime definitely does the washing up.
That wouldn't have made today different. But it would overall make it feel more balanced I think?

I normally wash up as I go along also make sure the sink is full of hot water so once a veg is plated up I'll quickly wash the pan leaving only the messy ones soaking so after dinner it's just plates and the super dirty dishes xxx

Single parent here - I cook every meal and wash up after every meal. If there are other adults and teens in your house the chores should be divided fairly over all.

We do the "whoever cooks cleans up" because the other person is relieved from any kitchen duty BUT is responsible for supervising kids' homework/bath/bed. When the kids are little I think the latter is harder. When they are older not so much.

My husband enjoys cooking (roast pork tonight!) And if I'm cynical his elaborate meals became a bit of an excuse not to wrangle the children. It annoyed me when they were little but now they occupy themselves much more I have the better deal. Today I have watched two films done an online weights workout, an online ballet lesson and been for a short walk with youngest. Husband did a cooked brunch and now roast dinner. He still prefers to cook. I do more cleaning and household admin (all the school admin and organise all household renovations... ongoing project of a house) so I don't feel guilty. We both work full time and I earn more if that's relevant. (Mentioned because you are a SAHM and some men seem to think once this is the case they have NO domestic responsibility at all; they are wrong of course. )

I think it helps massively that we have similar standards for cleaning up. Never leave mess for the morning even if it's been a late night dinner party (pre covid obviously). Leftovers wrapped in the fridge so no waste. If we were different it might not work as well.

TLDR: responsibilities can be different as long as they are fair. Are yours?

Never do roasts in our house for this reason. Why bother spending most of a Sunday chained to the kitchen. Just have a regular meal and enjoy your weekend.

You should definitely have a fair split of all chores overall. I wouldn’t get hung up on one particular chore, but it’s hard to tell from here if that’s the case.

If it was me I'd say to DP or DSS that they should do the dishes. And then they would. I never cook AND wash up.

Why are you letting this happen?

I sometimes do both depending on the situation. Sometimes I do neither. The family all muck in, everyone pulls their weight and no-one argues about it

[quote Jasoninadress]@Heartofglass12345 I enjoy cooking it and have no issue with that at all, it just would be nice to not have to wash it all up and clean afterwards too I guess[/quote]
But it only took 15 mins? I wouldn’t think anything of it to be honest. What’s 15 mins on a lockdown Sunday?

Find out if he is going to wash up before you cook.

When he has done a big Sunday wash up a few times, suggest getting a dish washer. He might appreciate the need then.
No room here for a floor model, I got a small work top one without plumbing. A pipe goes in the sink. Absolute game changer.
Works quietly in the background while I put my feet up.

I honestly couldn’t tell you cleared over the last week. I do most but not all of the cooking at the moment and one of us will clear up while the other is worth toddler or if it’s late and she goes up straight after eating DH does it while I do bed as she’s still bf.

All households are organised differently but I think at the point that you’re keeping track of stuff like this resentment starts to build and it’s not about the dishes but the sense of mutual respect and consideration in your relationship being chipped away.

He needs to learn to cook better. Being a bad cook is strategic incompetence, it’s lazy, immature and embarrassing. You need to be honest about your expectations. If you think he’s intentionally taking the piss and not pulling his weight then say so. Tell him how it makes you feel. And stop cooking massive complicated meals if you don’t think it’s worth it. It sounds like it was your idea rather than his request so if it’s a faff then do something simpler.

Tbh I also think 15 minutes isn’t much time to clean up a meal. It takes me 5 minutes to clean up after DD alone. Your toddler must make a lot less mess than mine!

It took you 15 minutes to clean up. They were watching tv for 45 before he took her up? What else were you doing?

We always do one cooks the other cleans up. I usually cook a roast, but if no one offered to clean up I'd say "Who's cleaning up please?" and I'd get a volunteer. I certainly wouldn't expect to do cooking and cleaning - unless DP was working and DS busy on uni work or something.

Normally I cook dinner and dh does washing up.
Dh do the roast dinner most of the weekends, and he does the washing up too. And I'm a sahm too. I hate cleaning and washing up, it's mainly my dh's job. I do it occasionally, but I get praised for it. My dh is lovely.

The one who doesn't cook does the washing up. YANBU.

One pot meals from now on I think....

@Bulldoglady It’s not, as an isolated incident or not so often, but when it’s a fair amount of times and I do it 3 x meals per day during the week, It starts to feel like a groundhog, dull life.

@AnneLovesGilbert She makes shedloads of mess which I spend tidying day in, day out. After we’d eaten, we sat for a while whilst I (hoped) he’d wash up. He didn’t so I went in to wash up and he very smartish took her upstairs..and early
The cooking part doesn’t bother me as I like it and like my food, so I don’t begrudge that or else I wouldn’t do it

After we’d eaten, we sat for a while whilst I (hoped) he’d wash up.

So why not speak rather than hope? "I'm tired after doing all the cooking, would you mind washing up tonight?" Yes, it might be nice if he'd spontaneously thought to do it, but sounds like you split jobs and washing up is no one's job, so no particular reason why he should.

What stopped you saying “dinner was nice wasn’t it, I’ll watch DD while you deal with the clear up then you can take her to bed”?

Not saying what you want isn’t helping.

After we’d eaten, we sat for a while whilst I (hoped) he’d wash up.

That’s strange. Only two possibilities. No one is a mind reader, so maybe he thought that’s his cue to take care of toddler while you wash up. OR he got the body language, or hints you were giving off- which makes you passive aggressive.

Just have a conversation. Agree on a system. Don’t let this fester with hints and unmet hopes and sighs and huffs.

I prefer it that way. I cook and cleannup and load dishwasher. Then when my OH cooks (on the very odd occassion) I don't then have to clear up his bombsite that he leaves behind.

"If I cook dinner tonight, please could you clear up?"

"After you've put DD to bed, please can we do a joint effort to tidy up?"

Clear, polite, non confrontational

I always do both, just me and the kids. I could ask for their help, but don’t. But I don’t complain either. Thankfully I have a dishwasher so just the pans and roasting trays I wash.