Mil never compliments the dc or us and seems uptight when others do?

[Mudmudingloriousmud]

I've noticed this and find it odd. We all have a strained relationship and I must admit covid has been wonderful from this aspect in that we don't have to make excuses not to see them.

I've never heard Mil say a kind thing to dh, lots of picking critism but when her own mum eg dh granny says nice things she sort of snaps.. 'it's because he's mine...' '

Again when granny says nice things about our house, Mil will cut in with something negative... Shes never said' 'oh I like this or that' ', nothing and yet lots of people around her have eg her sister.. Or guests at parties... Whatever anyone says she ll come in on the negative tone...

But when it comes to the dc it's bizarre, one has done so well at school, she will just say how well her side do.. Eg niece x...

Once dd won a competition and Mil didn't come.. Saying she was too busy (doesn't work).. We had a small but lovely event and fil came but Mil didn't.

She also seems actually bad tempered or upset when people say nice things to dh or I or the dc!! It's like it personally winds her up?

Being part of her wouldn't she feel proud of her dh? Or her gc?
Dh, I'm biased is very attractive! She's never said a nice thing when others have joked wow etc instead she will fuss over his clothes.. And say '' well he would look better if he didn't have fluff All over his jacket.. '' stuff like that?

I don't understand it.
I can't Imagine feeling this way about my own dc? I mean who knows maybe we won't get on when they are adults but I wouldn't expect to be in their lives and treat them like Mil does.

She is totally different with sil and fil and Mil are always talking about her achievements (no dc sofar more money and freedom) than us.
Once she spoke to me in a really strange sorrowful voice about this incredible cooker that sil has, one pot thing that does everything and costs a grand! It's not of any interest to me, Mil nealry cried when she said THEY can afford such things??

Does she pay rent to live in your head? You need to master the art of speaking internally while smiling blandly.

Maybe it's because she doesn't like you?
Only reason I say that is from my personal experience with my MIL

She's a bit of a narcissist if you ask me. Have a look on some of the Stately Homes threads, and see if anything rings true about the way she treats your DH and his sibling/s.

Look up Scapegoat and Golden Child.

She sounds like a fun sponge. There must be longstanding issues of some kind, maybe jealousy of her own son to treat you all like this.

You could start picking her up on this every time, something like ‘why are you criticising x?’ Why do you feel the need to make negative comments like that?’ And/Or distance yourself as much as possible. I couldn’t continue to listen to this crap, it is negativity you just don’t need in your lives so take a stand one way or another for your own mental health.

This is horrible. I think you need to keep a healthy distance as she is very unkind.

Even if @newnameforthiscomment is correct, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault or you have done anything wrong.

What was she like when your dh was growing up? If she was like this with him then the problem really isn’t you.

Sounds like a classic Golden Child and Scapegoat scenario.

Your children are an extension of your DH so not worthy of praise because he is a the Scapegoat.

Well, none of us can diagnose your MIL over the internet (she might be a narcissist as a PP suggested, she might not) but she is certainly dysfunctional. It sounds as if she favours one child over the other (maybe the golden child / scapegoat scenario) which is very difficult. Your husband will have endured this all his life and will be conditioned to accept it to some extent. If you challenge it you risk being blamed and attacked by MIL and your DH might not have the courage to back you up. He'll probably agree with you in private but be too afraid to rock the boat (that's the FOG: fear, obligation and guilt).

My advice is to read 'Toxic In-laws' by Susan Forward and try and persuade your husband to read 'Toxic Parents' by the same author. They're very helpful books. And then DISENGAGE. I don't just mean reducing contact (though that helps) I mean having a level of emotional detachment from what she says and does, remind yourself it's her not you/DH, and try not to worry about pleasing or appeasing her. It's hard and it'll be harder for DH.

This is probably what her mother did to her. Tell her what effect her behaviour has on you. When you say this, I feel that. I bet she knows what she is doing but can't stop herself. She needs to learn.

I'm sure she doesn't like me no, said I have a useless degree and has made lots of digs yes, but her own son?

No, dh doesn't say or explain much, he's not exactly comfortable around her either, she always complains of a lack of help!
I can see she really enjoys asking sils bf to open a window or carry something for her

She definitely enjoys having dc over and will bake a cake and but it's hard to put into words but it's all about her somehow... She doesn't really ask the dc anything other than a bland.. How's school? Doesn't know anything about their or our lives but a friend of hers said she's always boasting about them to her

Not dh though, friend said she's been the same with dc.

I must admit covid has been bliss and not having to see them has been wonderful! I just can't get my head around what goes on in her head.. How she can possibly think it's OK to be constantly negative but expect dh to see her more?

Sparked by another thread on here I have no doubt if sil has dc she would be gushing over their achievements...

I feel sad for my dc, I know my dm (deceased) would have been so praising and kind.. Not that I'm fishing for compliments but that sort of open pride?

It concerns me if dc don't turn out as successfully as she would like she will talk to them in the same sad way as dh.. And fil does the same...

And... If she doesn't agree with what others say... Why get sort of bad tempered about it?
Why's do she care if someone says '' wow mud the room looks so beautiful, I love how you have done x y z.'' . (kids party)?

She's literally shot me the most dirty look and then sucked in breath yes but... Blah blah..

I'm sorry your mum died, it must make it even harder to have a difficult MIL.

You are way too invested, though. Stop trying to understand her. Her way of thinking and behaviour is not healthy or logical. It would be better for you if you just accepted that's how she is and and she won't change. That's not the same as accepting the way she treats you - it just means not having any expectations of her behaving in a normal, fair and kind way, and making decisions accordingly about the level of contact you are comfortable with.

She does sound narcissistic op and I know people are trying to be helpful when they say just ignore it etc but it is so incredibly hurtful it is hard to do so sometimes.

I've been nc with my mother for 4 years and she was just the same, up to and including basically sanctioning my brother to abuse me when I was child. She took his side in adulthood too.

It is so hard to relax with someone who you have to spend with under the guise of 'family' but who treats you like anything but.

I could never relax round my mother, have you seen the scene in Bridget Jones about the jellyfish sting?

Sometimes my mother could be nice and hold her tongue for day or two and it would be even worse then when I'd relaxed only for her to sting me.

Other times I'd not even have sat down before she started - I remember meeting them in london after work one time and taking off my coat - she hadn't even kissed me before raising an eyebrow and laughing at me with a 'who died' for the crime of wearing a black work dress.

It's horrible and doesn't matter she's your MIL not your mother because she's doing it to you and the people you love most.

Being nc is the happiest I have ever been. My mother stopped having space in my head only once she stopped having space in my life. Now it is blissful.

freerent

An mner the other day said they used their tongue on the roof of their mouth to write fuck off to their mil.
Sounds like an appropriate method of managing her attitude.

Oh I'm sorry I missed that you've lost your mother. That must make it so much harder :(

Thank you anotheremma.

I'd really be tempted to comment in lighthearted voice that makes it harder for her to complain
If someone is saying something nice laugh and say here it comes, just waiting for MIL to say its awful. Or directly ask her in a non confrontational way why she does it. She obviously likes to burst your bubble.

Another thought......... how about MIL bingo? Draw up a bingo board full of her usual insults, but instead of marking them off in your head actually have a physical board that you bring out and start marking off each one with a red marker pen? She might actually see what she is doing in black and white then. If she gets offended who cares, she offends you all the time without a second thought.

You really need to stand up to her in one way or another, don’t be so passive about it. She is horrible and the way she is treating you all is totally unacceptable.

Is your dh the unfavoured child? And as such, his wife and children will be the unfavoured DIL and grandchildren?

I don't know how to deal with people like her other than cutting them out. They just cause endless pain and no amount of addressing it with them changes anything.

Reading with interest. My MIL is the same, and I’ve also lost my DM who would have been a brilliant grandmother which makes it all the more hard. My DP has had it all his life and is able to laugh it off, but I find it hurtful, especially when she shows zero interest in the DCs. She is obviously deeply unhappy so I do feel sorry for her, but it’s still toxic and endless drama.

Some people never have anything nice or kind to say there is no reason for it other than they're negative.
I'd kill her with kind compliments.

@Santaiscovidfree

An mner the other day said they used their tongue on the roof of their mouth to write fuck off to their mil. Sounds like an appropriate method of managing her attitude.

Genius!!! I am borrowing this

Free that's so awful!!

Also absolutely loving the, fuck off, on the roof of mouth, genius!! 😂

Wildry my dh should be confident, he's had everything and been blessed with so much naturally but his self esteem is low..

Even when I compliment him, he struggles to accept a compliment.
I don't think his esteem will ever recover tbh and around Mil and fil you always come away feeling that your life isn't good enough. I mean I know it is but for hours they speak at you as if we are missing somethings.

Maybe she doesn't feel appreciated enough? She's always pressing dc for thanks, I mean they are polite and of course say thank you but if she cooks a meal there is much pressure for praise, or over a cake, she gave dd a painters pad and made her write thank you gran gran in it...
I'm rambling, of course we want dc to be polite but this feels like a lot of pressure..

Emerald the problem is she's such a downer and creates such a bad mood.. I think if my own dm were here to balance it out and laugh with me about her it may help. She's so dominate.

After a bit of time to ponder I can come up with an answer...
My dm was similar (nc now), she used to seem annoyed like your mil. I worked out that anything I achieved alone - ie dc, getting a new home /pet she got The Rage. Sometimes openly, sometimes gritted teeth.
Because I had dared to make my own decisions /achieve without her help or prior approval - and was no longer a dc she could chastise /slap /ground /leave home alone and flounce off out..
Now she had confirmation I didn't care what she thought I would and bloody could - do my own thing..