Mil never compliments the dc or us and seems uptight when others do?

[Mudmudingloriousmud]

I've noticed this and find it odd. We all have a strained relationship and I must admit covid has been wonderful from this aspect in that we don't have to make excuses not to see them.

I've never heard Mil say a kind thing to dh, lots of picking critism but when her own mum eg dh granny says nice things she sort of snaps.. 'it's because he's mine...' '

Again when granny says nice things about our house, Mil will cut in with something negative... Shes never said' 'oh I like this or that' ', nothing and yet lots of people around her have eg her sister.. Or guests at parties... Whatever anyone says she ll come in on the negative tone...

But when it comes to the dc it's bizarre, one has done so well at school, she will just say how well her side do.. Eg niece x...

Once dd won a competition and Mil didn't come.. Saying she was too busy (doesn't work).. We had a small but lovely event and fil came but Mil didn't.

She also seems actually bad tempered or upset when people say nice things to dh or I or the dc!! It's like it personally winds her up?

Being part of her wouldn't she feel proud of her dh? Or her gc?
Dh, I'm biased is very attractive! She's never said a nice thing when others have joked wow etc instead she will fuss over his clothes.. And say '' well he would look better if he didn't have fluff All over his jacket.. '' stuff like that?

I don't understand it.
I can't Imagine feeling this way about my own dc? I mean who knows maybe we won't get on when they are adults but I wouldn't expect to be in their lives and treat them like Mil does.

She is totally different with sil and fil and Mil are always talking about her achievements (no dc sofar more money and freedom) than us.
Once she spoke to me in a really strange sorrowful voice about this incredible cooker that sil has, one pot thing that does everything and costs a grand! It's not of any interest to me, Mil nealry cried when she said THEY can afford such things??

[grinFun sponge granny pants

Billy, fil is very slippery, I don't think he thinks like others, I can't sort of get a hook in anywhere to hold him to account if I wanted too... He's the most slippery and arrogant person I've met...

I've never come across anyone like him, almost like he is a robot, programmed by Mil!

So in a way FIL isn't much better.

OP, see them the least you can.
Discuss is with your husband, but if they are not a source of joy, just pull back.

Make excuses and they will have to just accept it.

You are busy.
You have activities etc.

They can complain, but if you and your husband can agree how little you see them.

Also shorter visits.

Your children are lucky to have great GP's on your side.

Just don't allow them too much power over you or your family.

My MIL would spend hours telling me how amazing SIL was and making snide little comments to me. Eventually it became how amazing her children were and zero interest in mine, or small criticisms.
The irony being is DH and I were the ones that did everything for her and BIL and SIL were only interested in MIL when they needed money.
The criticism of DC was a step too far from me and I pulled back. I stopped facilitating visits and organising birthdays etc. She then complained we never went to see her.
Who knows if she was aware of what she was doing. Her loss though. The worst bit is DH could see no wrong in his mother (even that she had no interest in him) and still goes on about her being the best granny there ever was, not sure she even spoke to our DC if she could have helped it.

There was one in my family. Her son was an only child so no comparisons avaliable. He had 3 sons through two marriages. GS1 was the golden child. No expense spared. Fairly fond of the second, although lived at a distance (GS1 lived with dad, GS2 with mum) when GS2 was born to the hated DIL2, she said about her own direct grandson "Well he's not the same really is he?" Biologically just as much her grandson as the others.

He dodged the bullet. It was golden child GS1 that got screwed over because no one else ever worshiped him as much and the world didn't owe him as much as he was promised by his grandmother.

People like this are described as "toxic" for good reason, they poison other people and their relationships. Keep as much distance and pay as little attention to them as you can.

I had one of those. My MIL was identical. Could not stand anything nice being said about either of her sons or grandsons. Her friends’ children were always smarter and doing better than her own. She even made comments about my friends’ children whom she never met- they must be smarter than my DS because they were girls.
At every family gathering we would hear about the wonderful achievements of her BIL’s children, even though the truth was the opposite.
The only blood relation MIL approved of, was my DD as she is a girl. But the only things MIL ever praised my DD for, were her outfits.
She poisoned every special occasion with her toxic attitude.

The best decision I have ever made, was to cut her out of my life almost completely when my DC were little.They still saw her regularly with my then H, I tolerated her at Christmas and DCs birthdays for a couple of hours and kept the interaction to the minimum.

She stayed toxic and divisive till the end. My ExH who was obsessed with her and jumped every time she clicked her fingers (our life revolved around ‘mummy’ and her ‘needs’), was written out of the will completely and left with nothing. My ExBIL, who saw her for who she was, and only visited her a few times a year, got the lot.

So maybe try to limit the contact you have with MIL and let your dh maintain the relationship between her and DCs.

I totally understand that she brings you down. The only time in life when I felt depressed, were the years I had regular contact with MIL. It is very difficult to distance yourself from a negativity brought on by a close family member.

Dani, yes she sounds v similar, very devisive!

Can't believe she actually cut him entirely out of her will! How cruel, although I've gently tried to warn dh his mum is a control freak and he won't get anything from her.

Billy my df is very ill and lives a long way away unfortunately.
It would be so easy to cut people out when there are more to replace or make up for them but this has always been the problem, my dm has passed away and df can't really be in their lives anymore and has been poorly and not himself for years.

When she' sees them she will beam and hug them, great! But very quickly her cake will come out.. Again great.. Lovley stuff.. But it then swiftly becomes about her cake... Her amazing cake (sadly always quite dry and plain) then she controls the environment.. Isn't she amazing... Do they like her new blah... Isn't she the most amazing grandmother and fil will say how special she is isn't it...

It's all about her.. Like I said then anything about dc she's sulking at.....
I think previous poster was right in that rather than a shared joy between us all including the dc.. That one or both have had whatever achievements... She doesn't see it like that.
She can't bask in that she feels I'm trying to get something!! Or it irritates her that her awful useless son has these lovley dc who are doing well...

Unfortunately sil is starting to get older, still time for gc but she's pushing 40!!

Covid and the long break has shown us all how much happier we are with the pressure off!

The dc don't mention them at all.

Let fil go into over drive, if he says anything just mention that you didn’t think mil liked you

Sounds like my mother. Never says anything positive to me and only very grudging compliments to my kids, often sandwiched between comments on how amazing my brother’s kids are.

And always takes genetic credit for everything. Like yes mum my kids have probably inherited their musical talent from your cousin, much more likely than getting it from their father!

She also boasts about my kids’ achievements to her sister. I cope with all of it so much better when I can laugh about her, but that’s not always possible.

@Santaiscovidfree

An mner the other day said they used their tongue on the roof of their mouth to write fuck off to their mil. Sounds like an appropriate method of managing her attitude.

Huh? I don't get that

Your husband is quite evidently the scapegoat and your SIL is the golden child. The spouse and child/ren of a scapegoat are almost always scapegoats themselves, and the golden child's spouse and child/ren are almost always golden.

Consider reading toxic parents/toxic in-laws to better understand this extended family dynamic and the mechanisms by which such systems cause damage to its members.

Classic scapegoat situation. OP has not responded to any responses suggesting this . As PP mentioned, it's helpful to read "Toxic Parents".

You've described my mum. She can't say nice things about me or the kids, and certainly not about mt dh. Not to us anyway. Apparently she boasts about us a lot when we are not with her. I sometimes think she's jealous of me? But I wish she could just enjoy her grandchildren.

My parents were narcissistic alcoholics and when we were kids my brother was my mother's golden child and I was the scapegoat and I was my father's golden child and my brother was the scapegoat. You can imagine the horrific dynamic that created. But gradually they neglected and hated us both for getting in the way of their lives and spoiling their fun. They also hated either of us being praised by someone else, unless it was somehow directly attributed to them.

They started doing the same to my DC - I have 4 and in turn the youngest at the time was always the golden child and they were increasingly nasty and critical towards the older ones. After various unpleasant incidents I decided to go no contact because I wasn't going to let them do the same to my kids they did to my brother and I and they increasingly didn't want to see them.

They don't have a right to see you or your DC. Going NC was the best thing I ever did.

She sounds very jealous to me. She doesn’t like the fact that DH is doing well with you and ‘your’ dc are doing well. It’s like she’s forgotten they are also her DGC.
You could go both ways - just try and ignore (which of course would be the sensually option). Or just go OTT and really big everything up every opportunity to wind her up !!!

You have a choice so just take a step back and distance yourself. She's not your mother and she's not even very nice to any of you! Why bother?

From what you have said, it sounds like she needs everything to be about her. So when you go over there and she's baked a cake you need to gush about it and how wonderful it (and she) is. She can't stand it if anyone compliments you because it's not about her.

It's probably very deep rooted. I have slightly similar issues with my own mum. We've been unable to have children and there was no concern for me just the fact she wasn't going to have any more grandchildren!!!

I can't believe how many hard selfish people are out there. Well I can because dh has one but I just can't believe it.

What's wrong with people!!

Re genetics oh yes! Everything positive always come from them but the repeated way it's been said.. And fil has been bewildered when they have done well in an area he's not good at, like literally muttering under his breath confused

The golden child thing sounds interesting, sil can never do wrong and I've wanted to fall through the floor with how she speaks to them sometimes!!

Nothing that dh does well belongs to him, it's not his achievement.
Same I reckon for dc.

It's horrible always having this tinge too the tone that we are ones to feel sorry for in a way.

You will feel better if you stop giving them the headspace. They don't control you!

I like MargosKaftan’s post about what to say to FIL.
I don’t think it’s about changing them, but having your own boundaries and not accepting that toxicity into your life and your children’s lives. You can’t change their behaviour but you can change your own!

Its not so much about changing MIL, but changing the way the whole family react like its normal and ok she does this. Logically they'll know its not, but sometimes it just takes someone else saying "this is shit" to make others face it.

Its interesting SIL talks to them like they are horrible, they haven't earned her affection by singling her out for praise. How is she with you/DH without her parents around? Does she find their behaviour unacceptable and treat him better than his parents?

My ils had no real interest iny dc. Dh worked too much to ever take them round (but kicked off if I didn't) .. I set twice a week for an hour and a half visiting. (back story to that length of time) and never let them enter my head any other time.

Margo, absolutely love the name..

Sil isn't constantly horrid to them they are close but when they do silly things she's gunning for them!! We don't see sil outside family home, her and dh don't get on, he used to run around for her and got no thanks whatsoever!! She's a know it all..

I get the impression you just want to vent and you're not particularly interested in the suggestions here. Very little acknowledgement of helpful replies and lots of dwelling on in-laws behaviour. You really need to stop giving them so much headspace tbh.

I'm a little stumped another Emma.

How would you like me to respond?

I'd love to have the energy to go back and pick up where I have responded.

I'm not sure why you would write quite an aggressive post on a difficult and painful subject.
Of course I'm venting this is Mumsnet, people come on to vent and I have responded to people and their helpful posts and I think it's misguided of you to say otherwise and I Don't know what your game is coming on to say that.

I have personally spent much time offering support to dils with difficult mils on mumsnet and I totally get that they want to vent or try and make sense of what's going on and I'd never compose a snark response if I felt they hadn't responded in a certain way.