Mil never compliments the dc or us and seems uptight when others do?

[Mudmudingloriousmud]

I've noticed this and find it odd. We all have a strained relationship and I must admit covid has been wonderful from this aspect in that we don't have to make excuses not to see them.

I've never heard Mil say a kind thing to dh, lots of picking critism but when her own mum eg dh granny says nice things she sort of snaps.. 'it's because he's mine...' '

Again when granny says nice things about our house, Mil will cut in with something negative... Shes never said' 'oh I like this or that' ', nothing and yet lots of people around her have eg her sister.. Or guests at parties... Whatever anyone says she ll come in on the negative tone...

But when it comes to the dc it's bizarre, one has done so well at school, she will just say how well her side do.. Eg niece x...

Once dd won a competition and Mil didn't come.. Saying she was too busy (doesn't work).. We had a small but lovely event and fil came but Mil didn't.

She also seems actually bad tempered or upset when people say nice things to dh or I or the dc!! It's like it personally winds her up?

Being part of her wouldn't she feel proud of her dh? Or her gc?
Dh, I'm biased is very attractive! She's never said a nice thing when others have joked wow etc instead she will fuss over his clothes.. And say '' well he would look better if he didn't have fluff All over his jacket.. '' stuff like that?

I don't understand it.
I can't Imagine feeling this way about my own dc? I mean who knows maybe we won't get on when they are adults but I wouldn't expect to be in their lives and treat them like Mil does.

She is totally different with sil and fil and Mil are always talking about her achievements (no dc sofar more money and freedom) than us.
Once she spoke to me in a really strange sorrowful voice about this incredible cooker that sil has, one pot thing that does everything and costs a grand! It's not of any interest to me, Mil nealry cried when she said THEY can afford such things??

Life is too short!!

Your DH should have some therapy to recover from her toxicity and I would distance yourselves as far away as you can from her.

Doesn't know anything about their or our lives but a friend of hers said she's always boasting about them to her

If your MIL is anything like my mother, it'll be about who gets to receive the praise. So:

• Someone gives a compliment about your house = not good because the praise all goes to you.

• MIL giving compliments to your DH/DC/you = not going to happen because the praise all goes to you/them.

• MIL boasting about your DC when they're not there to friend = okay because MIL receives the praise.

• Making DC write thank you notes to MIL = great because the praise belongs to MIL alone.

It's twisted but it's the way their minds work.

She sees her daughter as an extension of herself hence praising her, sort of her daughter is still part of her whereas her son isn't simply because he is male.

Or she plays golden child and scapegoat.

I'm also borrowing the 'write F**k Off with your tongue on the roof of your mouth' trick. Gold.

My MIL's the same. I have gone very low contact, I do not engage with her at all now. It's grey rock with almost everything she says. We can't change her so I just get on with my life and leave her in her sad little negative fun-sponge bubble.

Santa yes control it seems, yes feckin, again about control it seems.

What’s she like if you ever compliment her?

It might be that she feels depressed or negative about herself and then transfers it on to others

Hey OP,
Thanks for this thread - I’ve learnt a lot!
I have issues with both my own mother and my MIL - and actually started to think the problem was me, until many hours of therapy helped me too understand I’m only in control of what I say/do - not them.
They are both very similar. They don’t listen. They poo poo ideas that DH and I have eg moving house/getting a pet/having a third child...
I seem to be the non-golden-child and my husband was not ‘wanted’.
We’re a good match!!!!!!!
I find the less I see them the better - but therapy has advised me to step out of my body almost, eg when they say “ugh, you don’t want to move house, surely” and say eg. isn’t it funny that two people see things so differently. I would really love x, y and z about moving house.
Could that strategy be helpful to you at all? Almost like being an observer. X x

I am nc with my dm. Final straw being she decided she didn't like my dd's names and would be using her versions.
Think not you bitch!!

When she comes out with these comments you could always warmly humour her with ‘come on eeyore, we are very lucky’ or similar

OP,
She sounds awful and you have spent a lot of time reflecting.

I mean this kindly but i could never imagine standing around and allowing any repeatedly be negative about my husband or children.

I might happen once but by gum I would get myself ready to ask her what did she mean.

I wouldn't allow it about my husband but jesus if someone was snide about my children I would make my displeasure know.

How exactly do you stand around and allow her unpleasantness to hang in the air.

I honestly don't get the going back for more🤷🏻‍♀️.
I think it must send out the most awful message to children to be around such snide criticism.

Children really don't need to be around people like that, including grandparents.

She’s a weirdo you need to not let her bother you. Dh would be the perfect son for any older woman kind handsome good manners worked bloody hard got to Cambridge entirely on his own merits (state school no one in his family had ever been to any university let alone flipping Cambridge!) and is a top lawyer. The only positive thing I’ve ever heard his parents say about him - said with a sigh “ he never gave us any trouble” 🙄🙄🙄

Then they emigrated and she actually said “well there’s nothing to keep us in England” son and 2 little granddaughters not in the equation!

Every time she is negative have zero contact for the month following. She will eventually put two and 2 together and realise that poor behaviour results in no contact.

Mrs t swift, I cannot understand that at all. Your poor dh!
Porridge, unfortunately in the past we have pulled back a little and this causes fil to go into over drive pressuring us to see them or rather the gc to see them!

My parents have always been the same about me; they never had a good word to say about me or to me, and hated it if anyone else ever liked me or had nice things to say about me. I've now been non contact with them for a long time and they do say nice things about me now to family members as I think they're shitting themselves realising I'm so done with them and will never have a thing to do with them again.

Once suggested my dm move to our area and she declared there was nothing there for her.
Mm except her only dc and her only dgc..
Been nc for years.

If you stop seeing them and FIL pressures to see them again, can you be honest with him? As in "FIL, every time we see MIL she's just horrible and puts us all down all the time. I know DH grew up with his mum being horrible to him and doesn't seem to realise normal families dont do that, but I really don't see why I or the kids should put up with it. She's not my mum and I don't see the point of spending time with someone who's not nice. Happy to see you by yourself. "

She's happy to be rude and hurt your feelings because she doesn't see that you count. So start being open about how horrible you find her.

Your DH might be stuck in the pattern of thinking he has to please her, but you don't have to be.

I would say its better for your dcs to have no grandparents in their lives than ones who make them feel bad about themselves. Just cut right back and be open about how rude you find her.

My MIL does this - if she hears anyone complimenting mine and dh's kids she'll immediately say something about her other dgs (the ones she babysits all the time because they live round the corner from her and we're a long way off), she literally never compliments our kids, it's always, always all about the others.

@ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove

Another thought......... how about MIL bingo? Draw up a bingo board full of her usual insults, but instead of marking them off in your head actually have a physical board that you bring out and start marking off each one with a red marker pen? She might actually see what she is doing in black and white then. If she gets offended who cares, she offends you all the time without a second thought.

You really need to stand up to her in one way or another, don’t be so passive about it. She is horrible and the way she is treating you all is totally unacceptable.

love that!! could even turn it into a drinking game

@MargosKaftan

If you stop seeing them and FIL pressures to see them again, can you be honest with him? As in "FIL, every time we see MIL she's just horrible and puts us all down all the time. I know DH grew up with his mum being horrible to him and doesn't seem to realise normal families dont do that, but I really don't see why I or the kids should put up with it. She's not my mum and I don't see the point of spending time with someone who's not nice. Happy to see you by yourself. "

She's happy to be rude and hurt your feelings because she doesn't see that you count. So start being open about how horrible you find her.

Your DH might be stuck in the pattern of thinking he has to please her, but you don't have to be.

I would say its better for your dcs to have no grandparents in their lives than ones who make them feel bad about themselves. Just cut right back and be open about how rude you find her.

This is perfect.

I honestly don't understand why people have children if they just don't feel the will have the strength to protect their children from toxic people,including family members.

Your MIL has NO entitlement to your children, yet she is regularly awful to them and around them.

She behaves badly and sends FIL over to demand ye see her, so she can be unpleasant to ye.

Unbelievable.

I couldn't be with a man who would stand by and allow my children to be treated badly.

@MargosKaftan is a perfect response.

As an outsider, it would be useful for you to call out MIL whenever she's horrible / refuse to see her and tell DH and FIL her behaviour is unacceptable- because your DH will have been raised to see this is something he has to put up with and its normal for his mother to speak to him like that.

Your FIL has obviously accepted his wife treating one of his dcs worse than the other, possibly for a quiet life, and over the years may well have convinced himself as well that its ok.

You need to shine a light on it that its not ok. You won't tolerate listening to your dh being insulted - even if the person doing it is family.

She's unlikely to change how she feels, but might be shamed if you do it publicly enough to hold her tongue. If you show her and FIL there are negative consequences and you don't have to put up with it, the other members of the family might at least be forced to face the role they have cast your DH in.

I do think you need to be careful about letting your dcs hear this.

God people really do have naively optimistic ideas about how the OP could magically fix her MIL's behaviour!

This thread is full of people who clearly have no experience of toxic in-laws or family members.

OP, you'd get more sensible advice on the stately homes threads, or just in Relationships.

Your mil sounds like my ex mil. An incredibly damaged 12 year old living in an old woman’s body.

Your mil is really unhappy. She might have had an unhappy childhood. Her mother might have made her feel inadequate what ever it is she protects on you lot.

Keep her at arms length and expect it. It will take the sting out of it.

Fil can go in to overdrive as much as he likes. Your an adult - you don’t need to be around adults that behave like arseholes

Fun Sponge Granny Pants

Completely, that's awful!!. Both my dp absolutely doted on me, I had very difficult older siblings who made life extremely difficult at times but I can't imagine parents who don't say nice things to their dc!!

I'm always complimenting dc and saying well done when it's due... Praising for effort and I tell them I adore them etc!

Unfortunately fil really isn't much better.. The whole situation baffled me. I would chat to them initially like I would my own dp, eg about a recent holiday! Only to be met with a sort of bored disdain. Fine but why not take an interest in your son

Mil has said something unpleasant about dc but not in dc ear shot and she's not said unpleasant things to them.
It's just as I said she doesn't praise them or say well done when I've mentioned some achievements... But it's not the crux of the issue... Some people don't express themselves well verbally.. They may give a hug.
It's the fact that no, she says nothing, no hug but she's actually tight lipped and almost angry!!
She's also tried to turn really small inconsequential things she has done into big accadmic leaps and bounds with the dc..

It's so odd!

I know a long time ago dh did try and tell them how he felt over some big issue and unfortunately they weren't able to take what he said on board.
I'd love to be honest with fil but it's almost like his relationship with dh only exists to make him do what Mil wants. They have no shared hobbies.. Nothing to talk about!

Once a few years ago fil came over and we had to drive somewhere, it was really hot so we stopped at a pub and Mil was calling asking why fil was taking so long and fil didn't want to let Mil know we were out in the pub!! You could feel the tension...

Another Emma thanks I may try over on those boards.