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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider breaking up over this

76 replies

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 16:37

DP and I are both in our mid twenties, not married but live together and been together for 5 years.

I'm quite a driven person, and worked for everything myself (no support or money from family to put myself through education). I've worked really hard, did a degree whole working full time and I'm now in early stages of building the career I want. My income is decent with a view to move into management soon.

Partner comes from a wealthy background but dropped out of uni. Since then he's started a part time degree that he puts in the minimum effort for and has an entry level job with an entry level income. He hasn't been looking for jobs or doing any qualifications to help him build his career.

Whenever we talk about this he says he wants this to change but never really follows with any action.

Other than that he's a good person, good partner, kind, generous, etc. But I feel like we want very different things in life. Is this a shallow reason to want to leave someone?

I wouldn't mind if he didn't make a lot of money, it's more that he doesn't even try to apply for more interesting/flexible jobs with career advancement opportunities.

Any advice would be much welcome...

OP posts:

Bixs · 31/01/2021 16:39

It certainly doesn’t bode well

jellybe · 31/01/2021 16:40

I'd want to know how he sees his future panning out and what he is planning to do to make that happen.

I couldn't be with someone who doesn't have any drive - doesn't have to be about the pay check but about trying to be the best you can at whatever you are doing.

Wartigen · 31/01/2021 16:42

Love is not looking inward at each other. It is looking outward in the same direction.

VettiyaIruken · 31/01/2021 16:45

It's a difference in outlook that has potential to cause HUGE problems between you.

Will he pay his way or will he expect you to provide for him?

Just because career is an important part of your identity doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him for not feeling that way. As long as he's contributing and not mooching off you, what's wrong with him just doing what makes him happy? Why does it matter so much to you? Is he 'less than' because he wants to work to pay bills and not to build a high flying career?

You need to sit down together and discuss this, the sooner the better. There's no point continuing in a relationship if you have a basic incompatibility that you can't see past.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 16:50

Thank you for all the responses so far!

So I think my main issue is that if we ever want to have kids I doubt we could have a reasonable lifestyle, unless I would be the higher earner always which feels like a lot of pressure.

The second problem is the fact that instead of flat out saying 'i don't want to change anything I like it the way it is' he says he in fact does want things to be different but never takes any action.

He's the kind of person who doesn't need a lot to be happy, just the minimum really. He does say though he wants kids one day (and that's definitely not a cheap adventure).

I don't mind contributing more financially to our life together but seeing him have zero drive or ambition makes me feel like there's a huge disconnect.

OP posts:

BonnieDundee · 31/01/2021 16:52

Another 5 years down the line how much will you resent his lack of effort?

DrRamsesEmerson · 31/01/2021 16:56

Does he pull his weight in other ways? If he’s domestically lazy as well, run for the hills now before you find yourself with DC, earning all the money and doing all the domestic and emotional labour. If he does his share of the housework, buys presents and cards for his family and generally carries his share of the load, you might be OK with him taking the primary parent role in the future. But if you resent it that won’t work either.

cochineal7 · 31/01/2021 16:56

How was he raised? You say he is from a wealthy background - is he rebelling against this, or has he basically always been provided for so he never really had to fend for himself in any way. Is he expecting his family to provide for him into adulthood? If your 'outlook' is so different, it is a fertile ground for future resentment...

TallTowerFan · 31/01/2021 16:56

I guess it depends on whether he is able to sustain the lifestyle he wants with his earnings or not. If he's not expecting you to work hard and provide the things that he doesn't earn enough to afford then he's probably a decent enough person.

But really you can break up with someone for any reason you choose.

canidartifice · 31/01/2021 16:58

He has drive and ambition to build a life and have a family with you.

There is more to life than qualifications, careers, and money. People's worth as humans comes from more than just their financial and professional accomplishments.

If you don't respect his values - or him - then you should move on and let him be with something who doesn't talk about him in such disparaging terms.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2021 16:59

You really need someone who's similar to you in terms of drive. If someone has more than you then you'd feel they were pushing you out of your comfort zone and if someone had less I think you could end up thinking a lot less of them.

I'd think of this as a starter relationship and move on to find someone else. He isn't going to change - or rather he won't change while he's with you - it's frustrating as hell but he may well change if he was with someone else. It sounds as though he's been spoonfed, though, and that is a very hard thing to overcome.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 31/01/2021 17:05

So he does work, but at a low-level?

I really don't see the issue. Not everyone is career driven or wants to do multiple degrees or work in management. As long as he earns enough money to pay his share of living, does it really matter what he does?

EllisRoses · 31/01/2021 17:06

Honestly, this is a very good reason to break up with someone. If you use mumsnet much, you've probably seen the many threads from women who kept giving men time to get their shit together and they never did, but now they're in too deep, have lost a decade usually have kids with them and resent them and themselves for getting in that deep.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 17:10

I don't think it's fair to say I don't respect him and also that I talk about him poorly.

Yes there's more to life than a career but not having any backup plan in life, any drive and not taking opportunities to provide yourself financial security isn't just about being career driven or not.

I think he's always been provided for and even now gets expensive gifts for Christmas from family and they offered to pay for his degree that he's doing now.

I assume he's never been exposed to how difficult life can be when there's no money or security and maybe that's why he doesn't feel the same way that I do.

Thank you for all the advice it's really helpful to hear other perspectives. I think I might give it a few months and see if he's applied for any jobs/made any effort and possibly part ways if he keeps saying he wants those things but not follow through.

OP posts:

IEat · 31/01/2021 17:10

Maybe he’s happy with his life. Not everyone wants to climb the ladder.if he’s not for you leave and let him and you find others that fit into your own “ideal “

ign0re · 31/01/2021 17:12

I could have written your post myself - very similar.

Turns out my dp feels quite stuck and whilst wants to make changes can’t see how, and with being comfortable there’s no real kick up the butt to do so.

We sat down recently and wrote out our 1 year and 5 year plan and whilst he was reluctant to do so he actually really enjoyed the exercise and it’s given him some fresh outlook and motivation.

You have to have a think about whether you can live with this because change is unlikely to come, anytime soon for sure.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 17:14

@sunflowersandbuttercups

So he does work, but at a low-level?

Correct, the main issues are that while it's enough for his share now it wouldn't be if we had kids. And he's more leaning towards having kids that I am at the moment.

And he also keeps saying he wants it to change when we talk about it but has applied for one job in the last year and a half after me finding the listing for him because he's never actually looking. I don't want to nag him though so for the most part I stay out of it as we've already discussed it so many times.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 17:17

@IEat

Maybe he’s happy with his life. Not everyone wants to climb the ladder.if he’s not for you leave and let him and you find others that fit into your own “ideal “

He always says he wants things to be different though and his degree he's working towards is in a completely different field than his current work.

He doesn't really like his job either. He always just says 'i dont know why Im like this, I don't know why I never do anything' etc.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 31/01/2021 17:19

Your description is similar to a relationship I had in my early 20s; there was nothing wrong with how he wanted to live his life but I wanted more than he did and I’d never have had it with him. I got together with now DH not long after and we share a similar outlook and approach. With this guy you need to either accept him how he is or move on as you can’t rely on him to change

gannett · 31/01/2021 17:20

Your DP doesn't have your drive because he knows deep down that if the worst comes to the worst there's family money to fall back on.

Does he have any passions outside work? Any direction he actually wants his life to go in? Rich kids can get away with YEARS of aimless drifting before eventually mummy and daddy just throw money at them - but this only works out well if they have some sort of passion project they want to do. It's also extremely tedious to be around.

If that's not the case (and possibly even if it is) I don't think you're on the same page long-term. He doesn't need to be a bad person for you to part ways.

Original poster

Sunflowers095 · 31/01/2021 17:22

@user1493413286

Was it difficult to breakup? Did you ever regret it?

I'm just worried I'll regret it, or that he'll change once I leave. I do love him but I also love myself and want to have the life I've always wanted.

OP posts:

Playnoh · 31/01/2021 17:22

Leave him, you don’t sound like a good match and there’s nothing wrong that

austenwildfell · 31/01/2021 17:23

Two points: Is he suffering low grade depression? I do know about this.
It goes on and no one realises. Especially if he brightens up and is sociable and responsive around people.

If he is genuinely OK it will be difficult for you later in life.
If you look back and think you were held back. It would be a terrible feeling.

MaeveDidIt · 31/01/2021 17:25

Lack of drive and ambition would be a turn off for me.
I don't let the grass grow under my feet.
The problem is you'll probably end up always taking the initiative which can be very draining.

something2say · 31/01/2021 17:35

I think that the shoes fit you ok, but you're not delighted by them.

I'd advise you not to buy these ones and to keep looking.

You have the right to build the life you want with a man you respect and share values with. I think you're seeing that this man possibly isnt the right one.

I've done this a number of times, tried on shoes and then declined. And I was right to. I didnt have a crystal ball to tell me I'd definitely end up happy, but I have done. And part of that was having the courage to end what wasn't right.

My money says this guy doesn't need the drive you need as he comes from money. He's had everything given to him. He sounds as tho he could coast along and be a bit immature.

Me, I sharpened my focus to get the life I wanted. I'd advise you to take that path. X

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