To consider breaking up over this

[Sunflowers095]

DP and I are both in our mid twenties, not married but live together and been together for 5 years.

I'm quite a driven person, and worked for everything myself (no support or money from family to put myself through education). I've worked really hard, did a degree whole working full time and I'm now in early stages of building the career I want. My income is decent with a view to move into management soon.

Partner comes from a wealthy background but dropped out of uni. Since then he's started a part time degree that he puts in the minimum effort for and has an entry level job with an entry level income. He hasn't been looking for jobs or doing any qualifications to help him build his career.

Whenever we talk about this he says he wants this to change but never really follows with any action.

Other than that he's a good person, good partner, kind, generous, etc. But I feel like we want very different things in life. Is this a shallow reason to want to leave someone?

I wouldn't mind if he didn't make a lot of money, it's more that he doesn't even try to apply for more interesting/flexible jobs with career advancement opportunities.

Any advice would be much welcome...

I couldn't date someone without drive or that was happy to just be in some small wage job with no progression.

I left my first boyfriend for this, I wanted to earn lots of money and go on holidays and enjoy myself.. And he wanted to work any job and get a council house and have a few kids living paycheck to paycheck, he didn't mind doing that but I did.

He should be building his own earnings capacity and wealth, as you are. It's really foolish to rely on family wealth. His parents could decide to leave it to charity, lose it in a fraud, etc. Lots of people who are planning on a big inheritance for financial security don't get it and don't have a plan B.

I would end it for that reason and the others that PP have pointed out.

You have the right to build the life you want with a man you respect and share values with. I think you're seeing that this man possibly isnt the right one

I agree. I’m sure you are both wonderful people but you are not compatible. Your relationship might have worked in your teens / early 20s but you have both grown up now ( or you have and he has not ) and your differences are too great IMO.

@canidartifice

He has drive and ambition to build a life and have a family with you.

There is more to life than qualifications, careers, and money. People's worth as humans comes from more than just their financial and professional accomplishments.

If you don't respect his values - or him - then you should move on and let him be with something who doesn't talk about him in such disparaging terms.

Dont be soft. He has led a pampered life and won't pull his weight. Of course money is very important factor in a relationship, particularly if you want children. OP he is not driven enough for you and probably never will be. Cut your losses now and find someone who has the same goals in life.

You're so young. Just go now, dont waste anymore time with your partner (rumours or his) as you're essentially settling.

Rumours = yours

I think he should read this and break up with you tbh.
You are with someone because of who they are not who you want them to turn into.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

I think he should read this and break up with you tbh. You are with someone because of who they are not who you want them to turn into.

Yes and surely you can part ways if who they are isn't a good match for who you are?

Do you not take into account financial security, stability and compatibility when deciding who to share the rest of your life with?

Be interesting to see the responses if the genders were reversed.

You need to walk away. You'll end up resenting him.

20 years ago, my then boyfriend was not interested in finding a career. I was very career driven. We married after 3 years together and his lack of ambition did bother me but I figured that we were in love and I made a good salary so what was the harm.
He was a labourer and in the following years became a gardener but still not bothered about earning more money or advancing his career, not even interested when he was offered supervisory roles.
His lack of drive was in all areas of his life.I hadn’t really noticed until we had dd and moved into a bigger house. I realised I was driving all of the decoration, home improvements, the day to day running of the home. It really took its toll on me. I gave up my career to become a Childminder so I could focus on her and running the home. There was a massive impact on our finances and it will be impossible for be to return to my old career at the level I was at. We separated when I couldn’t take it anymore.
I am now retraining so I can have a career when the time is right to give up childminding. I am focusing on the future financial stability of me and my kids, he is still a gardener and earns the same as he did 10 years ago.

My advice is, when someone show you who they are, pay attention.

@something2say

I think that the shoes fit you ok, but you're not delighted by them.

I'd advise you not to buy these ones and to keep looking.

You have the right to build the life you want with a man you respect and share values with. I think you're seeing that this man possibly isnt the right one.

I've done this a number of times, tried on shoes and then declined. And I was right to. I didnt have a crystal ball to tell me I'd definitely end up happy, but I have done. And part of that was having the courage to end what wasn't right.

My money says this guy doesn't need the drive you need as he comes from money. He's had everything given to him. He sounds as tho he could coast along and be a bit immature.

Me, I sharpened my focus to get the life I wanted. I'd advise you to take that path. X

My late nan said to me after I broke up with a boyfriend: "Ah well, silly to buy the first pair of shoes you try on." I think it's a great analogy!

If the genders were reversed there would be no outcry. The female equivalent normally ends up becoming a SAHM.
However if this is not what you want as you mentioned feeling pressure.- or if his lack of drive extends to other areas of life such that he won’t step up he won’t be of much use to you.

As a driven woman myself I wouldn’t mind supporting a SAHD - only if they took pride in their household/childcare responsibilities and acted accordingly!

I understand where you're coming from OP.

I am very driven and I don't think that I could be with someone long term if they weren't. It wouldn't necessarily need to be career that was the focus - a job that kept life ticking over whilst they focussed on their real passion would be fine - but a DP not motivated by anything would be deeply unappealing.

I imagine you will feel this difference more acutely as time goes by.

To give a different perspective I think my relationship in my mid and early twenties was very much as you describe yours. I don't remember doubting the future because I loved him and figured that it would work out. So I married him. He has a better job now than he did then but he still isn't ambitious. I am still driven and have a job that I have to put my heart and soul in to. It's actually a really good combination because he knows what is important to me and is able to support me to achieve my goals, mostly because his job is much less pressurised than mine. If I had a partner who was more driven I would probably have a bigger house and more holidays but I don't think I'd be happier and I would almost certainly be more stressed.

You are still young.
I would suggest that you take some time out to think about what you really want from life and a partner. Maybe get some counselling to help think through what you want.
Then think about how much he measures up.

A not too driven person could be great - really good with children. able to take more care of the house and things. Give you space for your career.
How much do you not want to be the breadwinner because of societal or family stereotypes?

But on the other hand there are some people who will drive you up the wall they have lots of "good intentions" but never get anything done. It is rare that they really ever change.

Never stay with someone just in case they change.

Maybe it’s an age thing, OP. My DH was like this - seemed pretty unmotivated/lacking direction when we met in our mid 20s but I married him because I adored him
and knew he was a thoroughly decent human being and would make a wonderful husband and dad (which he is). A decade later he’s found his niche career-wise and is doing fine. I actually really like and respect the fact he’s not motivated by money - at various points I’ve earned more, less and roughly the same as him but it’s never been an issue because we pay fairly into the “family” pot and the rest of our individual earnings are ours to spend as we choose. If I was desperate for a flashy lifestyle then maybe his (fairly average) earning potential would’ve been an issue, but I’m not. Obviously if money is a deal-breaker for you then that’s your answer, but it seems a shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship (if that’s what it actually is) over his apparent lack of ambition when he’s still only in his 20s. A lot of people are just slightly later bloomers and there’s nothing wrong with that!

I know what I want from a man and it’s much the same as you. Sadly I’m attracted to men with little drive who just want the comfort of a wife. It’s not so much about earning loads for me. I can be as happy broke as wealthy but only if I’m out there experiencing life not sinking into a retirement like existence of coming home from work and watching TV and the big excitement maybe being the annual family holiday or sex in a different position

It’s Ok for some but that’s not me. I want adventures from discovering a new place or book or learning something locally to further afield.

With lockdown I’ve been able to hyper focus on me and what I want. And I really don’t think there’s any man who can give me what I want, and what I need for that matter, so I’m going it solo. I’m restless and driven to succeed (but have some major things holding me back at the moment) and the last thing I want or need is a bloke doing the same.

Separate and find your place. The right man may come into your life. He may not but either way it’s better to be happy solo than miserable and coupled up.

Uurgh! I know exactly how this feels, OP, it was my life too, decades ago.

And it wasn't the lack of drive, or his paltry earnings (because free money was arriving all the time) - it was the fact that he could never understand my struggles and effort to press ahead. It built overwhelming resentment on my part.

That, and the fact that his parents made it seem almost vulgar that I was keen to make progress in my career. (I am still, years later, coming to terms with just how much they put me down and undermined me. Particularly given that I did better in my Oxbridge degree than their precious son ...)

I don't really think it's to do with his family paying for his degree and giving him a comfortable start. It's more his personality. We paid for all our DC to get degrees ..paid all their college fees etc as that's what mostly happens here inn this country. However they are all trying to improve at their jobs, ambitious and career minded. Sounds to me like he is just that kind of guy. Never marry anyone you don't respect as believe me when tough times come this will get really tested. So it's either accept him or find a more suitable partner. It doesn't mean you or him is wrong. Ye just are on different roads.

Looks like I've gotten lots of good insight and advice on this thread, thank you so much for taking the time to share your point of view ladies. ❤️

As a comparison, I am the more driven, money-focussed person in our relationship. My partner is less so, BUT, he is focussed very much on doing his best & being respected professionally, but his field of work is not well-paid.
You and your partner have different values, and that does not bode well.

I think perhaps the fact that you feel uncomfortable about it suggests that you are not that well matched. He sounds a very nice man (and there is a lot to be said for that) but your frustration as to his lack of action and ambition is unlikely to just disappear. You may become more and more resentful.

Perhaps you should discuss this with him and, if you still feel that this will be an ongoing problem for you, it may be better to split now than to gradually see the relationship turn toxic.

DSis was with someone like this for a long time. Ultimately she felt that the situation was bad because it was irritating her more and more seeing her partner sitting around doing nothing about progressing his vaguely stated ambitions or getting a job; she hated the fact that it was always between them and much of their interaction consisted of her asking him what he was doing and trying to push him into doing something. They split up and got together again a couple of times, but things never really improved. Ultimately DSis decided she'd rather just be a friend, so he could be as inert as he liked and it would no longer be her problem, and they split up finally. It was sad as he was a nice guy and they'd been together a long time, but ultimately she felt it was a relief.

This happened just before lockdown, and she was really glad she wasn't stuck with him through lockdown when being together all day in a small flat all day every day would just have exaggerated things further, and having her partner sitting around doing nothing constructive would annoy her even more. She has in fact subsequently met someone else with whom things are going strong, so all in all it's been a positive move.

I wouldn't mind if he didn't make a lot of money, it's more that he doesn't even try to apply for more interesting/flexible jobs with career advancement opportunities.

So it really is about the money then, if jt wasn't why would you care what he does?