To consider breaking up over this

[Sunflowers095]

DP and I are both in our mid twenties, not married but live together and been together for 5 years.

I'm quite a driven person, and worked for everything myself (no support or money from family to put myself through education). I've worked really hard, did a degree whole working full time and I'm now in early stages of building the career I want. My income is decent with a view to move into management soon.

Partner comes from a wealthy background but dropped out of uni. Since then he's started a part time degree that he puts in the minimum effort for and has an entry level job with an entry level income. He hasn't been looking for jobs or doing any qualifications to help him build his career.

Whenever we talk about this he says he wants this to change but never really follows with any action.

Other than that he's a good person, good partner, kind, generous, etc. But I feel like we want very different things in life. Is this a shallow reason to want to leave someone?

I wouldn't mind if he didn't make a lot of money, it's more that he doesn't even try to apply for more interesting/flexible jobs with career advancement opportunities.

Any advice would be much welcome...

I think its absolutely fine to come to the realisation that you're just not well matched.

I don't think its fine to expect somebody to change who they are because it fits better with what you want them to be. Not everybody is career driven or money driven and that's quite alright. Presumably this hasn't been a secret for the last 5 years?

And if the roles were reversed, and it were a man saying his partner had to get a better job and earn more money if she wants children there would be uproar.

What are his interests and passions?

The lack of being 'career driven' wouldn't concern me so much as the lack of interests & passions.... what does he do with his spare time?

I have a friend who has done the same job for 30+ years, earns very little but is very involved with volunteering and mentoring young people - he is excellent at it and has helped so many people over the years - I find that really inspirational.

But it doesn't sound as though you two are both on the same page.

@Bourbonic

I think its absolutely fine to come to the realisation that you're just not well matched.

I don't think its fine to expect somebody to change who they are because it fits better with what you want them to be. Not everybody is career driven or money driven and that's quite alright. Presumably this hasn't been a secret for the last 5 years?

And if the roles were reversed, and it were a man saying his partner had to get a better job and earn more money if she wants children there would be uproar.

So as mentioned before, he says himself he isn't happy with the way things are and wants a different life, a better job, etc. He just never takes action but equally won't admit "hey, I'm not going to change".

He dropped out of uni and then decided to stay in his entry level job much longer than we both thought he would. So it's not exactly the outcome I would have predicted 5 years ago.

It's not about money as I know there's lots of underpaid careers out there. Its the fact he's not doing anything to make his situation better. There's a chance I'll get a job opportunity that would require relocating (he wants to move too) and with the current economic situation his lack of degree, qualifications, any side projects or experience in non customer service jobs doesn't put him in a good position to easily get a job.

We could afford to pay for some certifications that take 2-3 days to complete and would open doors to careers in his field, he just can't be bothered.

He's going to finish his part time degree when he's just about to turn 30, in a competitive field with most people having a portfolio of projects on top of a degree and after spending all this money on the degree he thinks he's just going to walk into a job and get hired over younger people with a degree and experience acquired through either work or side projects.

That is the issue. My dad was like this while my mom always had to be the reasonable one with a stable income. It was bad when they were together and once they divorced and my dad with limited career prospects got into debt I can't help but worry all the time that I'll always have to look after someone who can't fully look after themselves.

@Ragwort

What are his interests and passions?

The lack of being 'career driven' wouldn't concern me so much as the lack of interests & passions.... what does he do with his spare time?

I have a friend who has done the same job for 30+ years, earns very little but is very involved with volunteering and mentoring young people - he is excellent at it and has helped so many people over the years - I find that really inspirational.

But it doesn't sound as though you two are both on the same page.

In his spare time he plays video games or watches things on youtube (not a problem, I tend to watch mindless telly or enjoy video games sometimes too).

He's not physically lazy though, we split the chores and housework 50/50 and he'll do anything to help anyone etc.

Previous posters mentioned resentment and maybe that's a bit true when I'm spending time studying or doing extra things for work progression. I just think while you're young and don't have kids it's a good time to really put the hard work in that will pay off later.

With your update OP it’s probably better to split - him taking the degree might just have been to shut you up. As he hasn’t considered the outcome of jobs etc ...

You can leave for any reason you like! You’re only mid-twenties, not married and on different life paths. I’d say get out sooner rather than later as this isn’t going to end well...

I understand your post and have been in this situation however he is doing a part time degree as well as job?

What does he hope to gain with this, I know you said the minimum effort but a part time degree as well as a job is quite a bit to take on. Is he hoping to gain something with this to use as future earning potential?

OP, one thing to consider which I haven’t seen anyone else say, as you say you are quite career-minded — it might work out to your advantage if he’s prepared to keep his career on the back burner and prioritise supporting yours. Two female friends of mine are extremely successful, one quite famous, in their fields, and both have husbands who have never really got going in career terms, and were ok with being SAHDs for long periods, and moving as their wives’ jobs dictated. Certainly famous friend could not have achieved what she has were her DH equally career-driven, and his career needing to be compromised for geographically.

@Potatoespuds

I understand your post and have been in this situation however he is doing a part time degree as well as job?

What does he hope to gain with this, I know you said the minimum effort but a part time degree as well as a job is quite a bit to take on. Is he hoping to gain something with this to use as future earning potential?

I think he took up the degree as a result of everyone around him thinking it's the right thing to do. I always said I support whatever he wants to do - learn a trade, do an apprenticeship, anything. His parents were disappointed when he didn't complete his degree and his brother is quite successful in his career so far (year younger than DP).

The degree takes 6 years to complete but he definitely doesn't do more than 2-4 hours each week for it. He could probably finish the degree much sooner if he wanted. Or used the extra time to do some side projects to showcase experience.

His job is a 9-5 clock in, clock out, no extra responsibility type of work so evenings are free and with working from home there's also no time spent on commuting.

I just think he's kind of doing things aimlessly and not really thinking about the future/outcomes.

Thank you everyone for your advice, sorry I can't reply to you all individually - it's been really helpful to hear your perspectives!

Do you not take into account financial security, stability and compatibility when deciding who to share the rest of your life with?

Of course you do; and you are right to do so. That's the problem with being female and being the one who carries the babies. At some point your career tends to be interrupted briefly - or longer then briefly depending on needs of DC - and although it may be fine for now, it's at that point when you and your dp's different approaches to life will become most apparent. He may be a great hands on dad, and a whizz at cleaning, but if he isn't, and his laid back attitude extends to most things, and you end up having to do the majority of earning, child-rearing and household chores, it is no fun at all.

You need to accept that if you break up he may well change, if you don’t he won’t as there is no reason for him to.
You are only mid 20s, you don’t have to decide yet.

Personally, couldn’t be with someone with no ambition and drive, I have a lot myself and I want someone to match that and who understands the drive in me.
What I’ve looked for is balance, so someone who is driven but will pick up the slack at home if there is something in my career I’ve wanted to commit to, and I’ve done the same back. It’s not for everyone, just as supporting a SAHD isn’t for everyone, I know I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t want full responsibility on me for the finances. I like an equal partnership, not least because it’s nice to talk about the pressures of work and what is going on with someone who understands it.
I would have one last discussion where you listen more than talk, you’ll understand where he is at then (ask how you’ll afford a family, who is taking time out, how is he planning on supporting is it financial or time). The best advice I can give is do not have children until you are completely ready, they add so many extra pressures to life. I wish you luck.

Sorry for thread hi-jack but Prawncorset (great NN btw ) I am really cheered that you know of two successful relationships where the dads stay at home. I was beginning to despair, because of the three I know, one of the men hated it and has gone back to work and the other two have got divorced.

Talk to him. He might not realise this is a deal to you. But it is sensible to talk about general attitudes to saving, spending, kids education, housework.

It could work out IF he does half the housework, other chores, is financially responsible - can save money (even if he doesn’t have the drive to earn more), would be happy to help kids out with homework etc. AND you are ok being main earner.

But if he has one idea - eg laissez faire with kids, whereas you want them to play an instrument, do sport/after school clubs (which are expensive), then it might be a problem.

My DH naturally tends towards the lazy side, whereas I am much more hard-working. However he is v smart and has learnt to put a lot of effort in when I say something is important. I have also mellowed a bit and become more chilled on certain things. So - a compromise, but we had a rocky first few years of marriage (and I thought we agreed on a lot already!)

I broke up with my ex because of this really. It wasn't the money it was the lack of ambition/effort. He was quite happy to potter around and depend on others, I'd have to get up early to get ready for work etc and he wouldn't, then I'd get home and he'd not really have done anything. We just saw things completely differently, I guess I see work as being something you have to do to make money, great if you enjoy it, but still something you have to do, and he sort of saw it as a pastime, so why would he do something he didn't enjoy if he didn't have to? I resented him and did lose respect for him as he was quite happy to be supported by his elderly parents who were still going out to work themselves!

@Herbalremedy

Sorry for thread hi-jack but Prawncorset (great NN btw ) I am really cheered that you know of two successful relationships where the dads stay at home. I was beginning to despair, because of the three I know, one of the men hated it and has gone back to work and the other two have got divorced.

I’m sure they’ve had their struggles, like anyone, and I know famous friend and her DH went to marriage counselling at one stage when things had faltered and found it really helped — but yes, I would say those were two strong, cohesive marriages. One DH has actually returned to work — children are now older — but the other couple still has quite young children, including a toddler.

Why does it matter what job he does if he is working and paying his way.
Not everyone can have top jobs and earn loads , not everyone wants a high flying career , quite happy doing what they are doing.
You can't change someone to be what you want them to be and if he had always been like this .
If your not happy then you have to move on.
My dh did have a lower paid job now he has moved up
To slightly better paid and he is so stressed I have told him to go back to before as we were all happier then , he has always worked hard and we have both supported each other at times .
( though my dh higher paid job is prob what a lot on here would think isn't that great)

He does sound a bit flaky if he wants things to change but doesn't want to put in the effort to make the changes happen. YANBU for thinking of breaking up over this. Your resentment over the differences between your approaches to work will only increase. You need to either accept him for how he is or break up.

My dp is very similar to yours. He’s the kindest, most caring person I know, but doesn’t have any career ambition. So long as someone is working and pays their way, I personally don’t think it matters whether they’re career driven or not.

You could split up with your partner and meet someone super career driven, but this can come with its own problems. Maybe they’re always working away and work really long hours, so you feel like you never get to see them. They might not have the same caring personality as your DP. They might be well off, but could be stingy, unlike your generous DP. If you had kids, they might expect you to give up your career and look after them.

If it’s going to cause you serious resentment, then maybe you should split. But, no one is ever going to be perfect. If in all other aspects your dp is an amazing partner, is it worth losing him?

See I wouldn’t go on a first date with a guy without drive, because we would have nothing in common. Let alone consider being with them for life. You’re fundamentally incompatible, unless you’re ok with this situation going forward.

Well it clearly is about the money, because why would you care if his job is "interesting" or not, and anyway, interesting to who? A lot of high earning jobs aren't interesting in the sense that you come home with a lot of great stories to amuse your loved ones with. And I admit I did at not wanting to be the higher earner because "it's a lot of pressure", of course it's fine for him though?

Of course you can break up for any reason though, if you aren't compatible that's that.

I think you should split. You need someone driven like you and he needs someone who's happy with who he is.

I think you'll end up being the parent in this relationship with him being passively along for the ride. This will be intolerable if you have kids as all the thinking and planning will fall to you.

He's all talk sadly. Most people don't say I don't want to change, because they can't or it isn't true. The important thing is though, for whatever reason he hasn't. I doubt he will in time for you to have an equal partnership.

@FlyNow

Well it clearly is about the money, because why would you care if his job is "interesting" or not, and anyway, interesting to who? A lot of high earning jobs aren't interesting in the sense that you come home with a lot of great stories to amuse your loved ones with. And I admit I did at not wanting to be the higher earner because "it's a lot of pressure", of course it's fine for him though?

Of course you can break up for any reason though, if you aren't compatible that's that.

It's a lot of pressure which is why if both people can contribute equally/have similar levels of financial security and job prospects that pressure is shared, which makes life easier. I want an equal partnership in all aspects of life.

Maybe it's just me but I think it's incredibly naive to just hope for the best and not do anything to improve future prospects, especially when you have lots of resources and time. No one has to be career driven but surely doing a couple of certifications or putting more work into your degree you're already paying for is just a reasonable thing to do?

I'm starting to realise it's probably just a fundamental difference in values as some PP's mentioned.

Fair enough OP. I think at 25 you are too young to settle, so you should end the relationship. Do you think it's partly that you are just starting to go off him generally? When that happens things that never bothered you before start to really bother you. Also known as the ick.

However you might be surprised at who you do end up with. Among the people I know, most of them are in couples where the women is the higher earner. It's hardly rare.

@FlyNow

Fair enough OP. I think at 25 you are too young to settle, so you should end the relationship. Do you think it's partly that you are just starting to go off him generally? When that happens things that never bothered you before start to really bother you. Also known as the ick.

However you might be surprised at who you do end up with. Among the people I know, most of them are in couples where the women is the higher earner. It's hardly rare.

Maybe I am a bit, maybe lockdown has just really highlighted all of this much more.

I genuinely don't mind being the higher earner but not sure how I feel about him not even trying at all. Like if he ends up in a lower paying job that makes him happy and is a result of what he wants, that's ok.

But he says he's not really happy, yet doesn't make an effort to change things and that makes it a bit different to me as it's pure laziness possibly? I think I'm just fed up of him saying one thing but acting the opposite way as it makes me distrust him a bit.