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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to wish alcoholic dh was dead

128 replies

rOsie80 · 30/01/2021 17:57

!

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 30/01/2021 18:43

I totally understand.

My stepfather was an alcoholic and most of the family would feel like this at times. He did die sadly, I realise we didnt actually want him dead, we wanted him well, but he got to a point that was never going to happen. He died at 32 years old 😪

HopeClearwater · 30/01/2021 18:44

To anyone on this thread already or about to post something criticising the OP - fuck off.

I’ve been there. He’s dead now. I’d wish him back but not in the state he was in before he died, both mentally and physically. It would be like wishing that someone who was dying of a terminal illness could be brought back but only to the end stage of their life when they were in pain or hugely disabled.

Thinking of you OP. Put yourself and any children you have FIRST. Sometimes you have to leave the alcoholic behind, even though it breaks your heart.

RootyT00t · 30/01/2021 18:45

I'm not criticising her.

I'm pointing out to the many (fantastic PPs) that are already giving her a great deal of their own stories and emotional support in such a personal area that everything isn't always as it seems, is all.

addicted2spaniels · 30/01/2021 18:45

Careful what you wish for, OP.

My cousin's best friend has just died.

She was an alcoholic who was so drunk over christmas that she fell down the stairs, and was alone with her primary school aged DC who had to call an ambulance and try and resuscitate her Sad

catscatscatseverywhere · 30/01/2021 18:48

Well, I can understand. My grandpa was an alcoholic. When he died (he was hit by a car while being drunk and walking in the middle of the street- driver didn't have a chance to react), my dad said "and yet another problem with him, to organise a funeral". Hmm...

SwannieDownThe · 30/01/2021 18:48

Yanbu (you would be to bring it about yourself though!) My dad was an alcoholic, he made so many people so miserable, he was incapable of staying sober any length of time, i can't honestly think anything would have changed if he hadnt drunk himself to an early grave so its a relief he isnt around being violent, manipulative, disgusting, annoying etc.

pointythings · 30/01/2021 18:57

I get it. I hope you manage to get out. I totally understand how you feel because I've been there. He died 8 months after I made him move out.

The day we heard of his death, our overwhelming feeling was relief. The man we miss was the man I married, not the one who died alone in his flat, still drinking.

blancheduboiss · 30/01/2021 19:01

@percheron67

Mine did, in the end. Oesophageal cancer (booze related). He was the life and soul of the party to those who didn't live with him. To those who did, he was spiteful and domineering.
Absolutely the same as my grandad.

Awful at home, but loved in the pub.

None of us were overly sad when he died.

VettiyaIruken · 30/01/2021 19:03

I'm so sorry to all of you that lived or are living with this.
Flowers

ancientgran · 30/01/2021 19:05

No it isn't unreasonable, I understand. I was married very young, a teenager, he was a functioning alcoholic. A year on I had a new baby and never knew if he would be home from work at 6 pm or 2 am. I remember sitting at the window longing for him to come home, hoping he was safe and then one day I realised I was hoping for a knock on the door with a policeman telling me the bad news.

We divorced.

Oreservoir · 30/01/2021 19:07

@blancheduboiss absolutely.
When my grandad died the pub sent a wreath.

They didn’t know or care that he had beaten my gran up regularly and almost blinded my Aunty. Terrorised his whole family and although he died when I was 2 my dm’s parenting skills were badly affected as a result.

friendlyflicka · 30/01/2021 19:10

I have had 2 alcoholic husbands and an alcoholic mother and I totally totally understand. I am so much happier as a single parent -and our household of me and my teenagers are so much relaxed. Would recommend if you have tried everything else...

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/01/2021 19:12

I understand.

warmandtoasty2day · 30/01/2021 19:13

2nd h was one, he did the decent thing and died as a result

Emeraldshamrock · 30/01/2021 19:15

You must be at the end of your nerves it is very difficult to live with someone destroying themself and others who loved them.
Can you leave? Would he leave?

Suzi888 · 30/01/2021 19:15

I’m sorrySad YANBU it must be awful to watch.

Shannith · 30/01/2021 19:20

I understand OP. I'm the alcoholic.

I'm over now but I wanted to...not be here anymore. Death would have been a reprieve for me abs everyone.

It's a terrible way to live and die - I came very, very close.

Rehab (finally) got me sober and AA keeps me sober.

You might find Al Anon helpful. They are doing zoom meetings so you don't have to put your name or turn your camera on, so it's completely anonymous.

Leave. No one should have to live with an active alcoholic. It's soul destroying and you can't save them.

Alcoholics only care about where their next bucket load of alcohol is coming from, where it's hidden, how to get more.

We do so much damage.

Please call the AA helpline 0343 316 4444. It's staffed by volunteers who are alcoholics in recovery and they will be able to help.

Love to you.

Sbowiegirl · 30/01/2021 19:24

I think it’s time for you to leave him.

Possibly al anon could help too.

Wish you all the best

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2021 19:27
Sad
DianaT1969 · 30/01/2021 19:27

Can you tell us why you haven't left? That would seem the obvious choice.

DartmoorChef · 30/01/2021 19:30

I understand. I used to wish the same for my alcoholic violent nasty ex husband. I eventually found the courage to leave and it was the best decision I made.

MissingEsme · 30/01/2021 19:44

I get it OP. I got the courage to leave after years of torture. He broke me. I finally found the strength to leave. I'm a new person. The feeling of dread every day is gone. I'm praying you get the courage to leave. You'll be amazed how good life can actually be

RabbityMcRabbit · 30/01/2021 19:54

I've lived with an alcoholic, I get it too. I eventually mustered up the courage to leave. I hope you work this out one way or the other. If he's abusive, I found Behind Closed Doors and Women's Aid really helpful. Sending you Flowers OP. It isn't as easy as some PP's have suggested x

iamjustlurking · 30/01/2021 19:56

Oh I get it 😟 I used to think all kinds of awful things.
Once I hit the point of no return and left it saved me. Even though his addiction ultimately killed him I miss the man he was but often wished the person he'd become dead 😔

alltoomuchrightnow · 30/01/2021 19:57

The world is a better place without alcoholics. I wished mine (then fiance) dead so I could escape from the rape, abuse and mental torture especially the blackmail and manipulation because I saw no way out (the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave DV... it took me several attempts)
He died a few years after I left
I'm still having to pick up the pieces with severe PTSD
He got the easy way out really.

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