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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A tricky issue around a new baby, in-laws and fertility issues

81 replies

Pbbananabagel · 30/01/2021 17:16

Ok this is my first thread, genuinely looking for understanding here and hoping to come away feeling either more aware or validated whichever way it goes. Happy to get a head wobble if that may be how it is.

So, I am 5 months pregnant, it’s amazing as I lost my parents a few years ago and my DC really helped me get through this, I’m so happy to be building my own family with my DH and looking forward to a sibling for my DC. This baby was planned and we can’t wait to meet them.
My remaining family lives a long way away but are all thrilled and gutted that they haven’t been able to be a part of this journey with us. We’re very close, but catch up casually as and when we can via FaceTime one on one.

My husbands family are all close geographically and very close emotionally too, (even though we’re obviously not able to see each other in person) and we have regularly weekly or bi-weekly zoom’s with them which last for up to 3 hours a session. They’re all lovely people and I love them very much.
We go on holidays regularly with my PiL and his Brother/Sister and their partners etc and pre covid all met up regularly for meals etc.

So to get back to my query, my SiL and her partner have a child and have been trying for a couple of years for a second, sadly it hasn’t happened for them yet but they aren’t exploring fertility options yet (unlike my bestie who has had multiple rounds of IVF and struggled for 6 years for a second and not had it happen). We knew and appreciated that our news may be hard for her and we told her in the most respectful way we could, messaging her to say we had some news and to call when she could (to give her time to process) and then my husband told her everything. We told the rest of them separately so it wasn’t like a big announcement and we don’t do social media anyway so it’s not been all over there.

She was a bit upset but wished us well and we hoped everyone would be able to move past it and be excited about this baby with us.

That was nearly 3 months ago and the amount of times our baby has been mentioned in these regular zoom calls since then is once.
When his sister said “oh but you’ll have the new baby then too” when talking about planning a future holiday.
That’s it.

And I really do understand that this can be such a hot issue and it’s deep and painful, and if they didn’t already have a healthy daughter, I would absolutely understand them needing to take all the time required...

But they do, and I’m starting to feel like my wonderful new baby is being swept under the rug and relegated to a second class status as if it were her who was pregnant, I can guarantee we’d all be talking about it every week.
And it’s really starting to hurt and make me feel like my relationship with all of them going forward is going to be damaged.

It’s starting to get to my husband too as I mentioned it gently to him and he feels bad about it too but obviously neither of us want to hurt or upset anyone.
We’re just gutted that the best thing to happen to us since my mum died, is being ignored. And I’m scared for how people will be when the baby is here, I want it to feel just as loved as my DC and their cousin are by everyone. So please help mumsnet, Aibu? If I’m not, what can I do?

OP posts:
TheMagicDeckchair · 30/01/2021 18:17

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Give them time. They are suffering secondary infertility and you have what they want. Just because they aren’t actively having fertility treatment doesn’t mean that they don’t desperately want another, and your condition is a constant reminder of that.

There are lots of supportive family around you who are thrilled with your news and they are the ones to turn to for support.

Marley20 · 30/01/2021 18:22

I'm sure they're really happy for you they're just sad for themselves. To you atm this is a real baby but for them it's something that'll happen in the future right now. Especially as they don't see you, I'm sure it'll be different when baby's here. Congratulations xx

Asthesayinggoes · 30/01/2021 18:24

I think second babies are generally overlooked by everyone! There's always excitement about a first baby. Second baby? Not so much.

Godimabitch · 30/01/2021 18:24

Is it just them not mentioning it or the whole family? Them I understand but I dont understand why anyone else wouldn't want to talk about baby.
Does no one ask how you are or what you've been up to? It might be worth gradually dropping in little bits, like saying you had your 20 week scan this week, or baby's been kicking alot this week. I understand they'll be struggling with a lot of emotions but your baby is coming and it kinda needs dealing with before baby's born.

Clymene · 30/01/2021 18:25

I think you're being rather insensitive.

You clearly have no problems conceiving - lucky you. You already have one child and acknowledge that your pregnancy feels like a huge blessing after losing your parents.

Secondary infertility is terribly cruel. Give them time. And I'm sure in the meantime there are plenty of people who will gush over your pregnancy

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 18:26

But why would they be talking about a baby on zoom calls? Your still pregnant. There's nothing really to talk about except maybe to ask how you are

seven201 · 30/01/2021 18:32

I have secondary infertility - been trying for three years, including failed ivf. I think it's a combination of second baby being not as exciting and your sil/bil just being too sad at the moment. If I were you I'd just accept they're having a shit time (you really have no idea how tough unless you've been through it yourself) and just let them lead any chat on the baby.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 18:35

Secondary infertility is hard for people. But that might not be why no one is talking about your pregnancy, it might be because it's not immediately relevant to anyone beyond the two of you. You're living with being PG every single day. They aren't. So it's easy for them to forget about it. I'm sorry for your loss, might that be why this is really noticeable to you, would you have had your mum to confide in/share your excitement before?

RandomLondoner · 30/01/2021 18:36

But why would they be talking about a baby on zoom calls? Your still pregnant. There's nothing really to talk about except maybe to ask how you are

I agree with this. A baby doesn't exist until it's born, as far as I'm concerned. Also, other peoples children aren't of much interest, even then.

Coconutfatfeast · 30/01/2021 18:39

I’m not sure what you’re really wanting them to say. Apart from the scans what is there to talk about? Pregnancy talk is pretty boring to anyone other than the parents.

Original poster
Pbbananabagel · 30/01/2021 18:39

@Godimabitch it’s the whole family. It’s just really weird.. literally 3 hour zoom calls going over every detail of what everyone’s been up to and no one asking how I or baby am and us feeling too afraid too mention it for fear of upsetting her. I literally haven’t said a word about it since everyone was told.

@clymene and @seven201 actually we tried for over 2 years for my first and were very lucky it happened faster than that for us this time. My best friend has had massive issues and I do fully understand how hard it can be, as I said in my OP.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 30/01/2021 18:41

What is there to talk about? It's exciting for you -not for anyone else.

Original poster
Pbbananabagel · 30/01/2021 18:41

This is also a high risk pregnancy, I’m scared and have no one close other than them that I can turn to for support and feel really alone as my only family are 200 miles away.

OP posts:
NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 18:44

@Pbbananabagel

This is also a high risk pregnancy, I’m scared and have no one close other than them that I can turn to for support and feel really alone as my only family are 200 miles away.
Can you say any of this to your MIL in private e.g. a phone call? Obviously BIL/SIL aren't the people to talk to about pregnancy-related things but from what you've said about your ILs, your MIL will probably be supportive when she's not trying to balance the needs of BIL/SIL and you/your family.
Whatthebloodyell · 30/01/2021 18:45

You’ve still got 4 months until the baby is even born. What are you expecting to be talking about regarding the baby?? I’m afraid that other people’s pregnancies really aren’t that interesting.

AHPforthe123 · 30/01/2021 18:45

@Hankunamatata completely this. I was pregnant nearly the whole of the pandemic and now have a 4.5 month old. This is my second DS and people really don’t make as much fuss. Perhaps because life is very strange OP you’re not out and about and having people comment on your bump or out physically buying baby stuff to strike up new baby conversations. I no way thought covid would be a thing by the time I gave birth in September, let alone affecting my whole maternity leave as it is likely to.

Your family struggling to conceive are hurting and probably have less distractions. You sound lovely but this is your problem, not theirs.

FitzsimmonsMarvel · 30/01/2021 18:45

Why would they need to mention your pregnancy? I am the one in my family suffering infertility and both of my sisters barely mentioned their pregnancies bar telling me the news. I was never sent a scan photo etc. Once the baby is here then it’s a person in its own right. I have no issues chatting about, getting photos of and visiting the actual babies. It’s pregnancies I struggle with.

In a way I think I deal so well with the (many!) babies in my family because I’m not bombarded during the pregnancy. If my sisters were sending me scan pics and expecting me to ask about the pregnancy I’d probably have to end up distancing myself from them for the sake of my own mental health.

You are being selfish really. In an ideal world everyone would gush over your pregnancy. In an ideal world your SIl would have a baby. Just be happy you’re the person finding it hard to be in the first scenario rather than the person in the second! Life is not fair nor perfect unfortunately.

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 18:48

@Pbbananabagel

This is also a high risk pregnancy, I’m scared and have no one close other than them that I can turn to for support and feel really alone as my only family are 200 miles away.
200 miles is just as close as 200m over zoom though. If you need support, reach out to your network. Let your SIL grieve.
Palavah · 30/01/2021 18:50

You haven't had the baby yet!

I'd find it enornously irritating if my family - or my in-laws - were asking about my unborn child every week or twice a week.

AnnaSW1 · 30/01/2021 18:51

Sounds like everyone else is being sensitive during the zoom calls. Just call people individually if you want to chat about baby stuff.

Original poster
Pbbananabagel · 30/01/2021 18:53

@FitzsimmonsMarvel and @AHPforthe123 thank you both, I think that’s the perspectives I needed to hear.
It is weird just now, and I feel like we’re hiding it which makes it feel like something shameful somehow. But that’s my impression and probably hormone related as much as anything else, and because I’m just so grateful to have this baby after all the loss. I’ll carry on as we are and see where we end up when it’s here.

OP posts:
Whydoireadthis · 30/01/2021 18:55

Congratulations on your baby! I could written this post myself. I have three sister-In-laws and we all joked about getting pregnant together. Two of us had babies on the same day, and the other two suffered miscarriages. The first one to suffer a miscarriage has never actually told us, I guessed and PILs faces confirmed it. My other SIL told my husband to tell me. Both struggle to talk to me about my baby and I understand why but it felt very strange whilst pregnant. I felt my side of the family (first grandchild!) made up for the lack of excitement but still felt bitter that I was made to feel awkward if I mentioned anything baby related.
Have you any friends that you can rely on for support or is there a pregnancy group that are meeting online so you can share your pregnancy journey with others?
I would mention your baby on your zoom calls, you don’t have to bang on about it but if you’ve had an appointment that day or felt the baby kick then that’s your news to share if you want. It’s going to feel even stranger the longer it goes on. It’s difficult because I felt the same way- you don’t want to upset anybody, and neither would they in your shoes, but they’re upsetting you now by not acknowledging your great news.
@katy1213 Some families who spend 3 hours on a zoom call with each other probably talk about what they’ve been getting up to- I imagine most new babies are probably brought up in a lot of these calls, whether others are uninterested or not, amongst other things.

Godimabitch · 30/01/2021 18:56

I'm really confused that so many people dont think they'd be talking about you or your pregnancy. Surely when you see people, pregnant or not, you ask how they are? If someone had started a new job I'd ask about it, if you were at uni I'd ask how that was going.
Everyone talks about my pregnancy, granted it's my first, but people ask how I am and how baby is, and mines low risk, I dont really have any updates tbh, I'd definitely be asking how you were if you had a high risk pregnancy.

Do you talk to rest of inlaws alone? Maybe they just dont want to bring it up in front of them?

FoggyDay58 · 30/01/2021 18:57

I'm expecting my second child at the moment and my family (parents and two siblings - no fertility issues, but one single and childless) have been exactly the same - its just the way they are, but I do find it quite weird and a bit hurtful at times. I agree with a PP that when your baby arrives it will be 'real' to everyone and just as cherished as your first. Congrats on your pregnancy OP and I hope your new baby brings you lots of happiness Flowers

User0ne · 30/01/2021 18:58

I'm pregnant with dc3, due in 6 weeks. I'd find it weird if people/family were asking me lots of questions about it.

When there's news we share it (eg pic of the 20 week scan in family WhatsApp). I don't expect lots of comments about it. I mean what is there to say really? "Oh you're still pregnant", "all baby scans look the same", "ooh it's got aunt Mary's nose".

I'm sure they'll be more interested when they turn up