A tricky issue around a new baby, in-laws and fertility issues

[Pbbananabagel]

Ok this is my first thread, genuinely looking for understanding here and hoping to come away feeling either more aware or validated whichever way it goes. Happy to get a head wobble if that may be how it is.

So, I am 5 months pregnant, it’s amazing as I lost my parents a few years ago and my DC really helped me get through this, I’m so happy to be building my own family with my DH and looking forward to a sibling for my DC. This baby was planned and we can’t wait to meet them.
My remaining family lives a long way away but are all thrilled and gutted that they haven’t been able to be a part of this journey with us. We’re very close, but catch up casually as and when we can via FaceTime one on one.

My husbands family are all close geographically and very close emotionally too, (even though we’re obviously not able to see each other in person) and we have regularly weekly or bi-weekly zoom’s with them which last for up to 3 hours a session. They’re all lovely people and I love them very much.
We go on holidays regularly with my PiL and his Brother/Sister and their partners etc and pre covid all met up regularly for meals etc.

So to get back to my query, my SiL and her partner have a child and have been trying for a couple of years for a second, sadly it hasn’t happened for them yet but they aren’t exploring fertility options yet (unlike my bestie who has had multiple rounds of IVF and struggled for 6 years for a second and not had it happen). We knew and appreciated that our news may be hard for her and we told her in the most respectful way we could, messaging her to say we had some news and to call when she could (to give her time to process) and then my husband told her everything. We told the rest of them separately so it wasn’t like a big announcement and we don’t do social media anyway so it’s not been all over there.

She was a bit upset but wished us well and we hoped everyone would be able to move past it and be excited about this baby with us.

That was nearly 3 months ago and the amount of times our baby has been mentioned in these regular zoom calls since then is once.
When his sister said “oh but you’ll have the new baby then too” when talking about planning a future holiday.
That’s it.

And I really do understand that this can be such a hot issue and it’s deep and painful, and if they didn’t already have a healthy daughter, I would absolutely understand them needing to take all the time required...

But they do, and I’m starting to feel like my wonderful new baby is being swept under the rug and relegated to a second class status as if it were her who was pregnant, I can guarantee we’d all be talking about it every week.
And it’s really starting to hurt and make me feel like my relationship with all of them going forward is going to be damaged.

It’s starting to get to my husband too as I mentioned it gently to him and he feels bad about it too but obviously neither of us want to hurt or upset anyone.
We’re just gutted that the best thing to happen to us since my mum died, is being ignored. And I’m scared for how people will be when the baby is here, I want it to feel just as loved as my DC and their cousin are by everyone. So please help mumsnet, Aibu? If I’m not, what can I do?

I feel you are getting a rough deal on this OP. You have lost BOTH of your parents and yet you are making an effort to talk to someone else’s parents week after week about their family and life issues etc. I have lost both and hearing my partner fill his parents in on Skype every week - sometimes I go out of the house because it hurts. It really fucking does. You cannot tell your own mum about this stuff and your parents will never know this baby. Never. And his parents feel it’s socially awkward to ask about your pregnancy? Fuck.

You will also need some local support when it comes or with childcare etc. It might be useful if they were ready for any issues.

We really struggled to get our one DC and we’ve not been lucky enough to get a second so I do get a sense of the pain there, ( I’ve avoided someones babyshower) but for them to not say anything at all week after week. Or to not call direct? That’s not acknowledging your grief either.

I think this is hard for SIL but it’s hard for you too. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it goes smoothly

And to zymummy and everyone else upthread who has had losses.

Grief and loss are such hard subjects to navigate

I think people forget that pregnant people may have also had losses. I suffered a loss, an ectopic and was very poorly. Rushed in for surgery etc. That didn’t elicit any sympathy from my SIL who had fertility issues and who fell out with me for being pregnant prior to that.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Of course OP, people - your family (which includes in laws) should be happy and wanting to support you in your pregnancy. I would think, as others have said, that they’re being sensitive to talk about your pregnancy while SIL is in the call and inadvertently their sensitivity to SIL is insensitivity to you.

Good advice above is to ring your MIL directly. I do think if you said to her, openly, that you’re scared about this being a high risk pregnancy combined with having lost your DM, that you would like to ask her if you can speak with her one to one for moral support during this time. Let’s not forget you’re pregnant during a pandemic and there are fears about this, who you can have in delivery with you, there are no NCT classes going on etc. The usual support for pregnant women is gone right now and you’ve lost your mother. You deserve support and sensitivity too not just during your pregnancy but afterwards too. The usual support for mother after birth is also not all available. Where you’d have the NCT mums getting together for supper to talk about pregnancy, fear of giving birth, newborn issues, hormonal changes and feels - not going to happen. Being pregnant and giving birth, newborn - major life change as well as physical issues. You need support of family and friends. Please ask for it.

This is obviously a very special pregnancy for you because you've linked it with your parents' deaths. At last, something's going right for you and you've cause for celebration and looking forward rather than back. This is good, because another person might be preoccupied with the negatives and feel sad that their parents, and the new baby, will never know each other.

I think it's possible that your inlaws haven't made that connection and don't realise why you feel that this pregnancy is so amazing for you. It is true that a second pregnancy doesn't inspire the same interest as the first. You won't get so many enquiries because the focus is likely to be on the first child and what they're getting up to. Much more interesting and everyone can contribute to the conversation because pfb is their gc, niece/nephew, and there is a cousin, so it's a much more equal topic of conversation.

Your family will have a different take, because your losses are their losses. They can empathise with your excitement.

I think you are making a bit too much of this. It's right that your sil's feelings should take precedence in group chats. Don't let it take the shine off your pregnancy. As pps have said, speak to your MiL in private about your concerns, but bear in mind that she's in a tricky position, too, supporting the couple who are struggling. When it comes down to it, you're the ones anticipating a happy event. They are not.

People just don't get as excited about a 2nd baby. There's really not much to say til it's born either. If there are health concerns you need support with, maybe mention it one on one to a relative you get on well with.