A tricky issue around a new baby, in-laws and fertility issues

[Pbbananabagel]

Ok this is my first thread, genuinely looking for understanding here and hoping to come away feeling either more aware or validated whichever way it goes. Happy to get a head wobble if that may be how it is.

So, I am 5 months pregnant, it’s amazing as I lost my parents a few years ago and my DC really helped me get through this, I’m so happy to be building my own family with my DH and looking forward to a sibling for my DC. This baby was planned and we can’t wait to meet them.
My remaining family lives a long way away but are all thrilled and gutted that they haven’t been able to be a part of this journey with us. We’re very close, but catch up casually as and when we can via FaceTime one on one.

My husbands family are all close geographically and very close emotionally too, (even though we’re obviously not able to see each other in person) and we have regularly weekly or bi-weekly zoom’s with them which last for up to 3 hours a session. They’re all lovely people and I love them very much.
We go on holidays regularly with my PiL and his Brother/Sister and their partners etc and pre covid all met up regularly for meals etc.

So to get back to my query, my SiL and her partner have a child and have been trying for a couple of years for a second, sadly it hasn’t happened for them yet but they aren’t exploring fertility options yet (unlike my bestie who has had multiple rounds of IVF and struggled for 6 years for a second and not had it happen). We knew and appreciated that our news may be hard for her and we told her in the most respectful way we could, messaging her to say we had some news and to call when she could (to give her time to process) and then my husband told her everything. We told the rest of them separately so it wasn’t like a big announcement and we don’t do social media anyway so it’s not been all over there.

She was a bit upset but wished us well and we hoped everyone would be able to move past it and be excited about this baby with us.

That was nearly 3 months ago and the amount of times our baby has been mentioned in these regular zoom calls since then is once.
When his sister said “oh but you’ll have the new baby then too” when talking about planning a future holiday.
That’s it.

And I really do understand that this can be such a hot issue and it’s deep and painful, and if they didn’t already have a healthy daughter, I would absolutely understand them needing to take all the time required...

But they do, and I’m starting to feel like my wonderful new baby is being swept under the rug and relegated to a second class status as if it were her who was pregnant, I can guarantee we’d all be talking about it every week.
And it’s really starting to hurt and make me feel like my relationship with all of them going forward is going to be damaged.

It’s starting to get to my husband too as I mentioned it gently to him and he feels bad about it too but obviously neither of us want to hurt or upset anyone.
We’re just gutted that the best thing to happen to us since my mum died, is being ignored. And I’m scared for how people will be when the baby is here, I want it to feel just as loved as my DC and their cousin are by everyone. So please help mumsnet, Aibu? If I’m not, what can I do?

Thanks @Shrivelled people like you make things so much easier on those of us suffering with infertility.

Thank you @Shrivelled ❤️

Em I think it's totally normal for a baby to be mentioned before it's born. Jeez. To the posters who are asking what's to talk about...jeez...just thinks like have you thought of names, are you finding out the sex, oh that's nice that X will have a sibling.
That's NORMAL! What isn't normal is no mention of op having a baby whatsoever.

Do you ever mention your pregnancy in these zoom calls? Sounds like they're being aa respectful to SIL as you are to her.
I bet it all changes when baby arrives.

Good luck and congratulations.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I don’t have any advice, but was/am in a similar situation. My brother and SIL had fertility issues and when I became pregnant my SIL cut me off dead. She told my DH it was because of my pregnancy. My DS is nearly two, they have since had a child but I am pregnant with my second. It’s caused such a rift in the family. I really think she’s convinced herself I’m a terrible person and she’s built an image of me to suit her narrative and convince herself that there’s a good reason she doesn’t talk to me any longer.

It’s really difficult being hated so much for something they too want so badly.

but they aren’t exploring fertility options yet (unlike my bestie who has had multiple rounds of IVF and struggled for 6 years for a second and not had it happen)

I think this says a lot about you. You almost don't want to give them any 'sympathy' because you feel like they haven't tried every option

Thank you everyone for your points of view and different perspectives. I think the best thing for me to do is just carry on following their lead and waiting for them to bring it up whenever and in whatever way that is. Hopefully it will work out before baby arrives. I really don’t want this to cause any kind of rift, I’m pretty terrified of loosing anymore family at this point.

I’ve really appreciated the pp’s saying I’m not being over sensitive, it’s good to know it’s not just me. I haven’t mentioned any of this to anyone irl so it’s been really good just to get it out. But at the end of the day, I am lucky to have a chance for a second baby and I’m not a selfish person so this will have to be good enough for now. Thanks again

@mouldyhouse101 it’s just made it a bit more confusing tbh as my friend has been so happy for us despite obviously having huge feelings herself, she asks me about the baby every time we talk, she is an incredible godmother to my DC and an incredible friend. It’s just made it harder for me to see what’s appropriate which is why I looked for some different points of view here really.

Aww OP. I have been in both situations. I have been the person desperately trying to conceive a second child (for us it took 3 years, multiple miscarriages and IVF, we got there in the end but it was so hard, whilst the vast majority of family and friends seemed to conceive at the drop of a hat). And, a few years later, I have also been the person trying to be sensitive around a family member who was desperate to conceive whilst I was pregnant.

Based on those two experiences I would say that the needs, emotions and stresses of the person struggling with the pain of infertility and/or baby loss will ALWAYS trump the needs of the pregnant person who wants to celebrate that pregnancy. Because I had such clear memories of the pain of my own infertility, when I was the pregnant person I was always so so careful not to talk about that pregnancy with my sister who could not (and has never been able to) conceive. There were other people in my life who could share my pregnancy excitement easily, without pain, so I chose to share it with them, and said nothing to my DSis, because I knew it would be too painful for her to hear about it.

I suspect your DH's family are acutely aware of that sensitivity too OP. It's not that they are not delighted for you - they almost certainly are - but they will want to be sensitive to your SIL. And her needs have to trump yours in this situation. It's just the way it is.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well

@FlyingPandas very well said

Have you triedzoom meetings with just your pils? Perhaps they are desperate to talk about it, but daren't Infront of your sil and bil? Don't worry, when your baby comes along, it will be cherished just as much.

I do not get on with my sil and vice versa. I did not share details about my first pregnancy with her Your sil sounds like she is going through a lot of pain, I hope that she can put that to one side when you have the baby and share in your joy and her own. Your baby will be her family too.

By the amount of zoom calls you guys have you clearly get on with your in laws and I can understand that they don't mention your pregnancy to save sil's feelings but maybe they are taking their lead from you as you don't mention the pregnancy either? What I do find strange is that mil hasn't text or phoned you to check how you are getting on, especially since they can't see you? I would speak to mil and explain your feelings.

Are there other friends you could talk too? What about a pregnancy forum you could join so you can share concerns with other mums at the same stage as you. She is not the right audience for you at the moment.

I like kids in general and always show an interest in friends and families pregnancies even if it is just a quick check to ask how they are getting on. I would be hurt if close family didn't check in with me (I can't imagine they wouldn't) especially as a high risk pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it goes well for you.

I missed a bit at the start of my post where my sil had a miscarriage at 20 weeks just before I fell pregnant with my dd. I tried to be as sensitive as possible and didn't overstate as not to hurt her but she wanted to be involved. She put her pain aside to share in my happiness, I have never forgotten that. Your sil might come around, she might not. All you can do is continue to be sensitive as you have been.

To all those saying 'of course you'd be asking about it' - you would be asking about it privately on a 1:1 call or just you, your partner and his parents. Not with your SIL and BIL there too.

I think you need to bear in mind that these are your in-laws. It’s so callus but as they aren’t your flesh and blood they will probably be more interested in the baby after it’s born than while it’s inside you. I think you should just focus on you and your family at the moment and just try to get through the pregnancy. All of the other stuff is secondary and will sort itself out once baby is born - am sure he or she will be adored.

@katy1213

What is there to talk about? It's exciting for you -not for anyone else.

Ridiculous comment. It's actually very normal for grandparents/aunts/uncles etc to be excited about a new baby.

I'm coming from the other angle here. We were about to start ivf and got our BFF. Sadly we've lost the pregnancy but bil
And sil interrupted us talking about ivf to tell the family they were pregnant and I've been called selfish for not looking happy enough for them. We have weekly zoom sessions too and ours is full of chat about the placenta, and how it's in the way of her feeling the baby and internal scans. At some point this month they'll be doing a gender reveal party on zoom with the family and we're having our 16th miscarriage.

It hurts

I think it would be ok if you mentioned your pregnancy more. It's a big part of your life and your health and wellbeing matter too. You're vulnerable, you've lost your parents and you need support and care. I'm not saying be insensitive and dominate the call but I'd just start normalising it by dropping little comments about appointments or whatever rather than have it this big thing that nobody is talking about.

(Also, from experience, people really do get a whole lot less excited about second and subsequent babies!)

And also, I think 3 hour zoom calls combing over the details of all your lives sound horrific but if you enjoy them then great.

I think it is weird too, OP, and think that it would be really normal to enquire after someones health just in the normal course, let alone if they are pregnant. I would want people to go overboard, but yes, if I have pregnant friends, I ask how its going. They can say as much or little as they want.
For those who think OP is being selfish - isnt it selfish to expect her not to talk about it? Why does she have to be the one not mentioning it? My mother died recently, I have a friend whose mother is ill. I dont expect her never to talk about her mother and her struggles because I lost mine. Why does it have to be all or nothing?

“And I really do understand that this can be such a hot issue and it’s deep and painful, and if they didn’t already have a healthy daughter, I would absolutely understand them needing to take all the time required...”

You’ve contradicted yourself there. You obviously don’t understand how deep and painful it is, as you’ve almost negated their feelings because they have a child already.

Do you dread your zoom meetings with the family because your baby isn’t mentioned? Because I would bet your SIL dreads the meetings in case your baby is mentioned.

It’s an emotional pregnancy for you - I get that. It’s brought some positivity into your life just when you needed it. Perhaps you could arrange more regular zoom meetings with your family/friends to talk about your developments.

I really feel for your PIL. I’m sure they’re interested and concerned but they are perhaps too worried to mention anything. Could you whatsapp them about your pregnancy instead?

What @FlyingPandas said. The family will be taking SIL’s lead on this out of sensitivity to her.

People do generally ask less about second babies. I remember getting asked about scan dates but forgot to even send the photo to some people and it took a week for them and us to realise. So I think a bit may also be second baby normality. When your DH talks to his parents on the phone do they mention baby?

@mouldyhouse101 good point. Always interesting when people insinuate not ‘enough’ has been done. People hint this to me after a few years of trying, fertility drugs, failed IVF etc

@FlyingPandas exactly this. Plus being blunt OP you’ve got what you wanted and they haven’t. Is some tact really that much to ask? I doubt your baby is going to be air brushed out of existence but your SIL and her husband / partner need some time and understanding

I agree with others that this may be less about your SIL than you think. I'm pregnant with my second (due any day now) and I don't know if it's because it's no 2 or the current circumstances - I would guess both - but I've had so much less interest, checking in, etc than I did first time round. I think being on zoom rather than in person makes a huge difference because people often can't actually see you're pregnant. Colleagues, for instance, never really mentioned it whereas with no. 1 someone would ask me about it daily, but I think it's different when they're looking at a big bump! Family and friends have also been much less interested, again I think maybe because it's a bit out of sight out of mind - though maybe this is just how it goes with a second, I wouldn't know?

Well if you haven't mentioned it, maybe they think you don't really want to talk about it?

Anyway what is there to say? How are you feeling? The only other time I talked about my pregnancies was when I had scans or appointments and just let people know that it went well. Pregnancy really isn't all the interesting for some people. I'm sure you're very excited to be pregnant, but many people don't get excited about other peoples pregnancy.

I have been on both sides of this.

I don't think yabu but at the same time I echo previous comments that sometimes pregnancies just aren't that interesting. I lost my son 2 years ago at 7 months pregnant. My sister also found out the day my son died that she was having a boy..

I congratulated her etc as it was her baby so regardless of my loss. She didn't have "MY" baby so I didn't feel sad as such that she was having a boy.. it's very hard to explain but I hope you get my jist. However my mum totally checked out of her pregnancy, she felt like she was doing a injustice to me if she was excited for them? My sister told my mum she feels that her son isn't looked forward to because of what happened to me.. and she felt my loss overshadowed her pregnancy ..

Fast forward to this year, I'm now pregnant with another boy and my husbands sister is having fertility issues after 8 stillborns. So I tread very lightly as even though in my grief I didn't typically mind baby talk etc I know it isn't the same for others so I don't talk about it. If I get asked my my MIL which I do, we have chats but we don't chat about the pregnancy in the group chat.

Anyways after all that ramble, my advice is, don't think too much. When your little bundle of joy is here, they will get all the glory❤️