A tricky issue around a new baby, in-laws and fertility issues

[Pbbananabagel]

Ok this is my first thread, genuinely looking for understanding here and hoping to come away feeling either more aware or validated whichever way it goes. Happy to get a head wobble if that may be how it is.

So, I am 5 months pregnant, it’s amazing as I lost my parents a few years ago and my DC really helped me get through this, I’m so happy to be building my own family with my DH and looking forward to a sibling for my DC. This baby was planned and we can’t wait to meet them.
My remaining family lives a long way away but are all thrilled and gutted that they haven’t been able to be a part of this journey with us. We’re very close, but catch up casually as and when we can via FaceTime one on one.

My husbands family are all close geographically and very close emotionally too, (even though we’re obviously not able to see each other in person) and we have regularly weekly or bi-weekly zoom’s with them which last for up to 3 hours a session. They’re all lovely people and I love them very much.
We go on holidays regularly with my PiL and his Brother/Sister and their partners etc and pre covid all met up regularly for meals etc.

So to get back to my query, my SiL and her partner have a child and have been trying for a couple of years for a second, sadly it hasn’t happened for them yet but they aren’t exploring fertility options yet (unlike my bestie who has had multiple rounds of IVF and struggled for 6 years for a second and not had it happen). We knew and appreciated that our news may be hard for her and we told her in the most respectful way we could, messaging her to say we had some news and to call when she could (to give her time to process) and then my husband told her everything. We told the rest of them separately so it wasn’t like a big announcement and we don’t do social media anyway so it’s not been all over there.

She was a bit upset but wished us well and we hoped everyone would be able to move past it and be excited about this baby with us.

That was nearly 3 months ago and the amount of times our baby has been mentioned in these regular zoom calls since then is once.
When his sister said “oh but you’ll have the new baby then too” when talking about planning a future holiday.
That’s it.

And I really do understand that this can be such a hot issue and it’s deep and painful, and if they didn’t already have a healthy daughter, I would absolutely understand them needing to take all the time required...

But they do, and I’m starting to feel like my wonderful new baby is being swept under the rug and relegated to a second class status as if it were her who was pregnant, I can guarantee we’d all be talking about it every week.
And it’s really starting to hurt and make me feel like my relationship with all of them going forward is going to be damaged.

It’s starting to get to my husband too as I mentioned it gently to him and he feels bad about it too but obviously neither of us want to hurt or upset anyone.
We’re just gutted that the best thing to happen to us since my mum died, is being ignored. And I’m scared for how people will be when the baby is here, I want it to feel just as loved as my DC and their cousin are by everyone. So please help mumsnet, Aibu? If I’m not, what can I do?

@Pbbananabagel

This is also a high risk pregnancy, I’m scared and have no one close other than them that I can turn to for support and feel really alone as my only family are 200 miles away.

Can you link in with your family over Zoom and keep up yhe habit?

@Pbbananabagel it is so tough. It took us an emc and a year to conceive our second son. Then it was covid and it was like I was some pregnant teenager back in the day sent away to hide. In actual fact I was just working from home for the NHS for 3 months.

My very good friend has DS1 and then had an awful mmc both ivf babies. She’s now pregnant and due with DS2. There is no way I would have been mentioning my pregnancy to her if she was still struggling to conceive or going through ivf. Be kind to yourself and know that what you and DH feel is enough. You don’t need anyone else’s validation or joy.

To me some of these replies are really odd. My second grandchild is due this summer. I'm just as excited as I was for the first one. I still ask how my DIL is feeling just as often, in fact probably a bit more as she has been unwell.

Maybe also because you don't mention it much they think that's your preference? You sound very thoughtful and concerned for others. I'm sure they will all love this baby as much but second and subsequent babies are never such big news, especially when others are struggling. Maybe don't shy away from mentioning things if they naturally come up

Hi OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. I thibk they will come around when the baby has here, you are pregnant and maybe they don't want to raise the topic since SiLs on the call. If you ask your DP to talk to your MIL and convey your feelings

I don't think there's anything going on with them.

Other people's pregnancies really aren't that interesting. Even though it's a huge deal you you, it just isn't to other people, even those you are related to.

It's also unrelated to what they'll be like when the baby is born.

You do sound as if you're talking yourself into a complete tizz about this. Can you break those thought patterns? They're really not helping you.

I think they are aware that your SIL is struggling and trying to protect her feelings . I think you should set up a separate call with PIL so you can talk freely about the baby and your concerns be cause you're high risk, you need to be a be able to discuss that with someone, or do you have friends who would listen? Struggling to conceive is very painful as you know, I don't think they are ignoring you , I just think you need to talk about it without SIL around, as every conversation will be a painful reminder of her own situation to her. There's enough to contend with at the moment without putting her through that . They're not ignoring you OP . Congrats on your pregnancy

My SIL is pregnant with her third and I think she feels that we are not mentioning her baby as much as we could have done. We have 3 kids, BIL was pretty indifferent to our kids when I was pregnant and before he had his own. To be honest, with everything else that is going on plus the fact that when we get on Zoom it's so easy to just end up focusing on one topic or chatting about the weather.. we forget.

It might be that you SIL does feel its difficult to talk about but she does know, she has mentioned it, so I would just leave it be and focus on your own bonding and hope that by the time baby arrives life will be more normal and we won't have to rely on weekly zoom meetings to have proper interactions.

I actually don’t think you’re being overly sensitive at all.

The fact that no one has mentioned your pregnancy in 3 months is weird. No you don’t expect the whole call to revolve around you but some basic questions - how are you doing, have you got any appointments coming up, have you started decorating babies room yet, how is your bump coming along, have you any cravings....

Just normal fricking questions that you ask someone when they are pregnant, even random people in Asda ask questions when you are quite clearly pregnant - so why wouldn’t your family???

I think they are just hyper aware of your SIL situation and worry about upsetting her. This doesn’t mean that they don’t care about your pregnancy but that they are super conscious of SIL.

If I were you I would maybe test the waters on the next call and have your DH say something like “oh we’re thinking of decorating the nursery next week” or something directly related to the baby. See how it pans out.

Whilst you want to be sensitive to SIL situation, you can’t go 9 months with not one soul mentioning your pregnancy? That’s just weird. Sometimes the elephant in the room needs addressing.

Sadly, SIL and her DC will always come first in most PIL eyes IME. I think you're getting a taste of this already.
And three to six hourly zoom calls every week?!? Going 'over every detail of what everyone's been up to?'
All sounds a bit enmeshed to me. Cool things off a little. Too intense.

Sometimes we can create these problems for ourselves without realising it. You have a high risk pregnancy and you are the one who never mentions it or brings it up, so your in laws probably assume you don’t particularly want to talk about to and no one brings it up until you do, leaving you in an endless cycle but you’re getting more upset as the days go on.

I’m so baffled by some of the comments in this thread. I would be very interested if a family member of mine was pregnant, and I always ask how my pregnant friends are feeling and want to talk about their babies because I’m a normal person who cares about my friends and families lives...these attitudes are bizarre.
I understand it must be a difficult time for them OP but it’s not fair for everyone to act like this. Maybe they’re just a bit inconsiderate and don’t have a lot to say? You could try bringing it up the next time you chat and see how it’s received. I feel for them, I really do, but life goes on and they can’t just pretend this isn’t happening.

I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL and a few weeks before my baby was born she lost her babies (twins). It was an awful time and I felt so guilty that my baby arrived safe and well and she lost her babies. I didn’t really mention my baby much to SIL as I knew what she was going through, so I would just wait for her to mention it. She never held my baby and she found it really difficult but I completely understand.

I would maybe just if people ask you on the zoom bring it up, just a casual “yeah I’m fine, baby is kicking away!” Your in laws probably just don’t want to upset her. I wouldn’t take it personal.
I found it hard having to hold back on what I said about my baby to SIL (especially when I was younger excited and wanted to share my joy) and how she wouldn’t hold him, wouldn’t really interact with him etc but I understood the reasons behind it and wasn’t offended. I spoke to other family members and friends about my baby.

Why not you and your partner have a zoom with PILs, if you want to talk about baby. Like you said, it probably is your hormones, just heightening things. We never know what people are going through.

@Asthenia ah yes! You’re a normal person. I remember being a normal person but 4 years of infertility changes you - gives you mental health problems, needing counselling, uncontrollable crying, feeling like your life is on hold, the first thing you think about in the morning, it keeps you awake at night, tortured that you can’t have the one thing you want most in the world and how you can’t do anything about it, and on top of that there are pregnant people everywhere you go, babies everywhere. But yes I’m sure I’m the inconsiderate person not asking about pregnancies while trying to keep myself together.

Is it not enough for someone to be happy they're having a lovely baby? You also expect me to put my mental health into further tatters so they can tell me about their bump and cravings?

Can they not do that with other friends, with other family?

Luckily my friends and family have been completely considerate to me and I haven’t been put through what you think I should.

You’re so lucky the posts on this thread baffle you! I wish I had that ignorance.

Hi @FitzsimmonsMarvel I’m not talking about people suffering with infertility, it must be terrible. I’m currently taking a long time to conceive myself and I can imagine that 4 years of it is nightmarish and terrible.
I’m referring to people who pile on to say “why would you ask about someone’s pregnancy”, “other people’s children aren’t interesting” etc. I should have clarified that in my post.

Sorry op but to anyone else, your baby isn't here yet. Of you were holding a newborn and they asked after older child but changed the subject every time you mentioned baby, I could understand but you're not mentioning your pregnancy at all, so neither are they, but you think it's because they're not happy for you.

There's v little news unless you're having regular scans etc but MENTION IT and then see the reaction

Oh we have our growth scan today
Hm yeah well. So can you believe the dog learnt how to sit today? Hey Mary, did you say you have the recipe I asked you for?

Or

Oh we have our growth scan today
Well you will have to let us know everything is ok. Mary, do you have that recipe I asked for?

But why would they be talking about a baby on zoom calls? Your still pregnant. There's nothing really to talk about except maybe to ask how you are

I agree with this, too.
What exactly is there to say / ask / comment on ?

If you need a chat / heart to heart, then phone (or zoom) someone separately. Whoever it is you feel you are close to, or whoever you think would be a good listener.
Most people don't need whole family discussions about the fact their pregnancy is still the same as it was last week, on a weekly basis. If you do, then you need to facilitate that with whoever it is you like to talk to.

Sounds like they are just being sensitive to SIL. Sorry but YABVU, this will be extremely difficult for her and talking about your lovely pregnancy and on family chats really will not help her mental health. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and I'd actually feel mortified if I was asked about my pregnancy in front of someone struggling with infertility. Very insensitive. Although they could message separately and ask how you are but the family zoom would not be appropriate.
With regards to them not going for fertility treatment, there could be multiple reasons for this and it doesn't mean they are any less desperate for a baby such as finances or deciding the time isn't right due to covid.
Wishing you a happy pregnancy and birth.

YABU on the family calls, to be honest. PiL don't want to upset SiL and SiL doesn't want to hear it.

However I'd be quite upset if I were DH, rang his mum or dad privately and neither of them asked how I was feeling. As a PP said, random strangers make pregnancy conversation!

If you only communicate en masse this won't change.

To not even ask ‘how are you feeling?’ is a bit insulting. I’m pregnant, and my IL’s asked me how I was and whether I’d seen the midwife yet - NORMAL questions! Obviously there isn’t much chat, but it’s peculiar for it to not be asked about AT ALL! Names, for a start, is always a good conversation topic. I’d just mention it offhand next time you speak. “Oh we’ve had a quiet week, but we’ve started sorting baby clothes and stuff from first DC/decorating the nursery/have a scan on Monday/have a consultant appointment about my high blood pressure or whatever. If there’s hours of zooms where the minutiae is docussed, then just share snippets. I’m very very sad for your SIL, secondary infertility is very cruel. But you haven’t done anything wrong by falling pregnant again. Congrats OP.

I appreciate that this isn't your main query - but 3 hour zoom calls once or twice a week? You have them way to over-involved in your life, I'm sure this will prove difficult later on and it's starting to show now. Concentrate on your own family, doing your own thing, maybe once a week, 20 mins max. To be honest it doesn't matter too much if they do or don't want to talk about your baby - you are the parents so enjoy your own family. Withdraw a bit and be a couple on your own and then have your own family.

I'm essentially the SIL. My and one of my sisters were pregnant, babies due just a couple of weeks apart. Mine was born still. I've asked nobody to send me gooey videos etc, and my family respect that. I'm sure my sister chats freely to all the family, but she is kind enough to let me ask when I want to know more about her baby (now born). If she 'forced' loads of chat about him on me, I don't know what would happen to our friendship. I'm very happy for her, and not the slightest bit jealous, but every time I think about her baby I struggle not to weep for my dead child.
I know that it's a different situation to infertility, but basically discussing your pregnancy would probably cause your SIL absolutely immense pain, every single time.
If you care more about your SIL's heart than you do about pregnancy chat, don't bring it up to SIL. Call MIL and tell her about your bump. I imagine your SIL might appreciate a message (not a call) about how you're thinking of her, and ask her to let you know when she wants to know more (especially applies when birth is imminent). Let her lead. If she's struggling after your baby is here, you could also give her the head's up when you intend to include your baby in the family zoom and when you don't. Then she'll know whether to be on tenterhooks the whole time or whether she can relax. Maybe like PP said though, it's the preg she struggles with, and she might be okay when your baby is actually here.
YANBU to feel sad about your situation, but you would absolutely be unreasonable if you put your desire to chat ahead of your SIL's deep sadness. Whatever you do, be gentle, or you might lose her friendship forever.

I don’t understand why you would even want to talk about your pregnancy in front of your SIL? My SIL had multiple miscarriages in the 2 years leading up to my pregnancy and I didn’t discuss it in front of her (ever) because I knew she was in pain. Just wait until the baby arrives.

@HerringGull I’m so sorry for your loss

I can't see that they have done anything remotely wrong. I think YABU