Housing officer rang social services on me..aibu to think it was out of order?

[beenkeen]

My mum was 65 when she was diagnosed with dementia.
By the time she was 70 it was advanced.
I became her carer and looked after her.
I moved in with her.
She lived in a council property (the same one for over 30 years).
I was her appointee so dealt with her finances and also her appointee with the council so they could deal with me.
My mum had vascular dementia.
She had hallucinations (both visual and heard voices) she only liked me in the house with her.
Then in walks a new housing officer,she rang me and said she wanted to come and meet my mum.
I explained her dementia and she said "oh don't worry I won't stay long"
I said I don't feel comfortable with this as it will upset my mum, can I come into the office and we can chat like that ..she agreed and went to meet her and explained.
She said she understood and no problem.
Two weeks later she rang saying "Clive" had to visit us to conduct a property survey.
I said "ok but can you please explain about the dementia to Clive "
She said yes ..
Day of apt arrived
I obviously expected Clive
Opened the door
It was her,with a social worker and a police officer.
She made the survey apt up to gain access.
She looked in every room and told me she rang social services as "I seemed stressed and she wasn't sure if living in this property was best for my mum anymore "
And said ..maybe assisted living or a care home.
I was so angry
She didn't know me
She didn't know my mum
I was stressed and upset enough
Anyway my mum has now passed away
This was last year but honestly I'm still so angry
Aibu here or was this out of order ?

I’m sorry about your mum and what you have been through.

Can you put in a complaint?

That sounds stressful. But I suspect the housing officer thought she was checking on a vulnerable person and offering advice. That's part of their job and may well have been seen as a safeguarding issue... you said you had pushed back at her suggestion.of meeting at the house, that could have triggered her response.

Hard as it is maybe try and see it as someone with your mum's best interests at heart in difficult circumstances.

I am sorry you've lost your mum.

Perhaps it wasn't right, perhaps she had concerns (be they right or wrong) but it's over now.... Don't let it effect you now, let it go...

I’m sorry for your loss of your dear mother. YANBU that the social services lady essentially tricked you to gain access to the home. It was an over-reaction on her part and perhaps she thought your valid concerns were you obstructing her and hiding your mothers living conditions.

They deal with so many cases of elder abuse and everytime a case hits national news, its social workers that get raked over the coals for “missed opportunities” to help the vulnerable person, which in this case was your mother. As a result, the whole profession seems a bit paranoid at times and she probably saw red flags with you only wanting to meet a team her office, not allow her in your home. You had perfectly good reason and are obviously a loving carer to your late mum. But as you say, the social services lady did not know you or your mum. I think she had the best of intentions and really, was just carrying our her duties to ensure an elder abuse situation wasn’t happening under her nose.
So I’d let go of the anger. We all feel it when investigated for something we are perfectly innocent of. But sometimes it’s necessary for them to check because that’s how they can catch some abusers of the vulnerable.

Hard though that is you have to consider that some elderly dementia sufferers are not cared for well and avoiding professional contact is a red flag for safeguarding.

I’m so sorry about your DM. My DF had vascular dementia and had some extremely strange delusions.it’s shit.

Unfortunately when carers try to deny access to see a vulnerable person there are sometimes sinister reasons. She was just concerned and trying to ensure that both you and your mum were safe and well. I understand it can feel like a violation of privacy but imagine what it's like for elderly people with advanced illness who are completely dependent on a sole carer if that carer isn't as nice as you... They do need a system in place that looks out for them.

I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, but they do need to watch out for the risks to vulnerable people.

There will be families which present just like you did in which bad things are happening - abuse, inability to cope and denial, or simply covering up the fact that a relative has died in order to keep benefits. Keeping a look out for cases which need intervention while being sensitive to others who don’t is a balancing act. What would you have them do?

Then when my mum died nobody contacted me.
The social worker didn't ring or the housing officer.

@StrangerHereMyself honesty.
Rather than her say "ok no problem"
Actually be honest.
It was the sly behind my back tactics that upset me.
Once they came in they seen my mum was fine.
Agitated and upset at strangers in the house but fine.

Do you mean they didn't inform you your mom had died?

@Theunamedcat no I meant they didn't ring to offer there condolences.

It will be standard procedure to start safeguarding processes if there is a vulnerable person that professionals haven't seen but it was a bad way to go about things. Sorry for your loss

I'm surprised the social worker did that to be honest in that manner. I suspect there's more to this.

I'm sorry for your loss op and that does sound horrible. However, and I say this with kindness, I think you are taking it too personally. The sly tactics may well be to get a true picture of the state of your mothers living conditions (had they warned you it would give you the opportunity clean up etc). Think about the bigger picture of why they do things like this and that it may well stop many elderly people being abused. As pp said not letting someone come.to the property would be a major red flag, it's good to know this is being taken seriously.

She was mob handed in how it was dealt with = there was no need for all three of them - maybe a gp or health visitor could have come out to assure them Mum was OK - they were wrong to act like they did and high handed even if it were with good intentions. It might have also been opportune to offer assistance etc. I suspect they were there with an eye to gaining the property back as they are so short stocked, regardless of what your mum wanted dementia or not. It is extremely difficult when services get involved and I have gone through two lots in the last 12 months and we are looking at another coming up possible a 4th with my aunty. Best thing is always to work with them - maybe explaining Mums agitation and arranging for a call at an hr she was resting or sleeping etc to cause least distress. But being open to them assisting, but still pushing back on the housing officer who frankly shouldn't have been suggesting alternative care without a proper assessment being made by social services as to her needs and whether they were being met etc

I don't think the call to SS was necessarily out of order but the way she dealt with you might have been. She doesn't know you so doesn't know that you obviously love and care for your vulnerable mum. Not everyone is like that so a call to check on welfare was fair. I think the way she described it to you and showed up unexpectedly with the police was unfair. She could have said 'look we just have to double check everything's OK with vulnerable adults' the way she described it implied you were in the wrong which you weren't.

Very sadly, when they hear a history like the one you describe it’s more likely something dodgy is going on, fraud or abuse of a vulnerable older person.

Most people caring for a relative for dementia are crying out for support and not getting it.

I’m sure it was very upsetting for you and your mum, but she had a professional responsibility to smell a rat and act accordingly.

You should always discuss a referral to social care with the family unless you feel it puts the vulnerable person at risk. She arguably could have done more to discuss her concerns with you. She must have had high levels of concern to do an unannounced visit with a social worker and police officer. It is good she acted on her concerns as in many cases there would be good reason to worry, but I don't think it was handled very well.

YANBU. If she had any concerns then fine, but she should have been honest with you and explained she has a duty of care and it’s better to be safe checking these things rather than leaving them and u or ur mum really were struggling at home. I work in a role where we sometimes have to contact SS due to concerns but I would always be honest with the patient and let them know I’m doing this. If I were you I would complain

Hi OP. I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum.

I work for a LA where I daily access tenanted properties. Whilst I sympathise with you as to how the Housing Officer approached this I believe they probably believed they were acting in the best interests of your mum. Without being privy to all the conversations you had, had you tried to put me off visiting for any reason it would have set off a red flag, especially if no colleagues had recently had any interaction. You wouldn’t believe the number of times we have to involve both adult and children’s social services and more awkwardly I have to do it on less than an hours worth of training only to be dragged over hot coals every time by the appropriate services as to why I thought it was necessary to contact them. Before leaving they also expect you to inform the tenant you’re going to alert SS - brilliant situation to put myself in as a lone female with vulnerable or aggressive tenants. As other posters have said when things to go wrong were the first to have fingers pointed at us.

Whilst I don’t agree with how she has gained access, what if she has told you she had concerns and she would be attending with SS? Somewhere, sadly someone could have caused harm to an elderly parent or resident or moved them away from help.

I think they were likely acting out of caution but I appreciate it doesn’t stop you from feeling hurt. X

The thing was we already had a social worker.
Ever since my mums last hospital visit we were assigned a s/w and every 6 months they would pop out and see if we needed any more help.
They were good getting us a perching stool and a doorbell with a camera etc

[quote beenkeen]@Theunamedcat no I meant they didn't ring to offer there condolences.
[/quote]
Sorry for your loss , and in the kindest possible way, I don’t think these departments or people would necessarily ring you to do this?
We’re dealing with the death of a close family member and no one has specifically called us, but generally speaking a ‘bereavement department’ or similar start their letters off by offering condolences.

Some people just really do not understand that forms dementia or Alzheimer’s can take, and how it can result in terrible upset, terror, anger, and even physically lashing out. Even social workers can at times not completely be understanding of this.

I know this because I lived with and was full time carer to my MIL who had Alzheimer’s. My MIL hated strangers or unfamiliar people in her house, on a good day she may have tolerated them for a few minutes, but you’ve just no idea what will be a good day and what will be a bad one and this can change moment to moment. Also these people waltz in to do their checkbox exercise and then get to leave, and your then left there dealing with all the upheaval and upset their visit has caused.

I understand how difficult this is to deal with, but it sounds like this women underhandedly did this in order to do some sort of welfare check on your mum. Do you have social workers for you/your mum? When caring for my MIL we had two social workers, one for my MIL to make sure her needs were met, and one for me to make sure I was coping. It was my understanding that if there were any concerns, it would be our social workers who would arrange a welfare check, but perhaps I’m wrong. In any case if you do have a social worker I would contact them and explain the situation and what’s happened. If you don’t have a social worker you can contact your community mental health team, which I advise that you do so they can assess the situation. As your mums carer you see how she reacts and responds to different situations, so you are the best person to advocate for her needs, and if you think it’s in her best interests to stay in her current home, in familiar surroundings they you can push to try and make sure that’s what happens.

Do you have any power of attorney (POA) in place for health and welfare? I’m assuming not for finances as you’ve said your her appointee.

For lots of useful and helpful advice I would also take a look at the Dementia Talking Point forum.alzheimers.org.uk/

Like I say it isn't the fact a s/w came as we had visits from a s/w every 6 months.
They always handled my mum well but this housing officer knew zero about dementia,zero about my mum..it felt like a personal attack the way she did it so underhand.

They get it wrong sometimes, but equally they are also accused of getting it wrong and not intervening when they should have. I wouldn't take it personally and let it go. It's not worth dwelling on. Presumably she reassured her mistake when she arrived.