Housing officer rang social services on me..aibu to think it was out of order?

[beenkeen]

My mum was 65 when she was diagnosed with dementia.
By the time she was 70 it was advanced.
I became her carer and looked after her.
I moved in with her.
She lived in a council property (the same one for over 30 years).
I was her appointee so dealt with her finances and also her appointee with the council so they could deal with me.
My mum had vascular dementia.
She had hallucinations (both visual and heard voices) she only liked me in the house with her.
Then in walks a new housing officer,she rang me and said she wanted to come and meet my mum.
I explained her dementia and she said "oh don't worry I won't stay long"
I said I don't feel comfortable with this as it will upset my mum, can I come into the office and we can chat like that ..she agreed and went to meet her and explained.
She said she understood and no problem.
Two weeks later she rang saying "Clive" had to visit us to conduct a property survey.
I said "ok but can you please explain about the dementia to Clive "
She said yes ..
Day of apt arrived
I obviously expected Clive
Opened the door
It was her,with a social worker and a police officer.
She made the survey apt up to gain access.
She looked in every room and told me she rang social services as "I seemed stressed and she wasn't sure if living in this property was best for my mum anymore "
And said ..maybe assisted living or a care home.
I was so angry
She didn't know me
She didn't know my mum
I was stressed and upset enough
Anyway my mum has now passed away
This was last year but honestly I'm still so angry
Aibu here or was this out of order ?

Well, as gently as possible, she was dead at that point so safeguarding her/wellbeing checking was no longer really a concern. They dont tend to ever ring up to offer condolences, if they did, with the amount of people they deal with and especially during a pandemic, they'd never do anything else.

I think you inadvertently raised a red flag by not allowing access and at that point they had suspicions so obviously couldn't tell you they were coming. They don't want people prepared in caseit gives them time to hide what is going on. Of course in this case they were unfounded but the amount of times they aren't would deeply sadden and shock you.

I think maybe just accept that you are feeling a little oversensitive, understandably, and be glad that they were so vigilant in making sure that their tenant was not being abused or taken advantage of. Remember they dont know you and it came from a place of concern.

I'm just going to let it all go now.
After she came in she never bothered us again.
Or the social worker ..

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It must have been a shock them all turning up and could have been handled better. However it does sound as if she was concerned and wanted to ensure you and your mum were managing ok. Not allowing access to the property was a red flag.

As for a telephone call, I cant imagine they have the time to make sympathy calls they are hideously overstretched.

In all honesty although it wasn't nice for you we need people like this housing officer in our communities.

Your mum was treated well, but a lot of elderly and disabled people aren't and part of the housing officers job is to keep an eye out for the more vulnerable members of our community. If that upsets a few people along the way then so be it.

The woman sounds rude, insensitive and unprofessional. Nothing wrong with her checking up on you or your mum at all, but she should have communicated much better and explained her concerns. Then she could have gained your cooperation without any need for deception or the police. It all sounds very distressing and yanbu to feel annoyed.

I don't think you were over sensitive and do think you have the right to be upset and take it personal but at the same time don't think the housing officer was wrong to do an unannounced welfare check. Safeguarding systems are underfunded, underskilled and overworked and the logical consequence of that is these kind of situations that I imagine feel like a tickbox for the professional and a sledgehammer for the person on the receiving end. Unfortunately, in my experience anyway, it makes you even more reluctant to cooperate next time.

I'm really sorry you lost your mum OP

It sounds as if she misjudged your tone on the telephone, got a bit overzealous, then realised when she looked around your home that all was well and your DM was being cared for and the house maintained.

I think you are right to let it go at this stage but yes, I don't think anyone appreciates being suspected or lied to.

@RealMermaid

Unfortunately when carers try to deny access to see a vulnerable person there are sometimes sinister reasons. She was just concerned and trying to ensure that both you and your mum were safe and well. I understand it can feel like a violation of privacy but imagine what it's like for elderly people with advanced illness who are completely dependent on a sole carer if that carer isn't as nice as you... They do need a system in place that looks out for them.

Exactly this.

Sorry for my post I just realised that you said you lost your Mum. I’m very sorry for your loss, I lost my MIL in April last year.

Looking after someone with this kind of illness is very very hard, there is lots of things I either feel guilty or angry about still now even though my MIL is passed.

I don’t think your being unreasonable to feel angry about this. We had an awful situation where my MIL’s medications just weren’t working anymore, the social workers were completely resistant to giving her any more medication or increasing her dosages and basically accused us of trying to make her a bed bound zombie. Those social workers were not there though at silly o clock in the morning when my MIL was banging on the windows and doors and shouting all sorts, or the next day when she would be a tired and agitated angry mess. Eventually the social workers said that MIL must be assessed by their doctor (not MIL’s doctor) in order to agree any change in meds, but told us to expect it to stay the same. We were very lucky in that the doctor who came to see MIL was wonderful and wholeheartedly agreed MIL needed more and that she should have had it much sooner. He prescribed one completely new medication and an increase in one she was already on, and it made things much better for MIL who was finally able to get some proper sleep! I dread to think what the situation would have been had he not agreed and what might have happened if MIL was allowed to continue declining the way she was, as she could have really hurt herself. I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry about the way that was handled, how MIL could have had the benefits of the medication changes much sooner and been able to have a much calmer and more peaceful existence. It also smarts that they thought that my priority was myself and that I was just trying to make things easier or better for me by making MIL a zombie as they called it. Funny thing is the medication changes didn’t make MIL a zombie at all, not even close as she was still mobile and able walk around just as she always had.

I've seen a sad situation where a vulnerable adult was being abused by their child as their "carer" as difficult as it is to have flagged a suspicion I'm sure you would as a caringperson be distressed if organisations didn't act to protect the most vulnerable. It does mean having to be wrong sometimes.

Op, I’m so sorry about hour mum. Can you distance your self and think about it from the officers view point.

There is a vulnerable person who they are being denied access to check on. That person could have been being abused or being kept where the care wasn’t appropriate for them. They didn’t know you and sadly it happens, all too much. Surely if you look at it another way you can understand why they did what they did.

💐

Abuse of vulnerable adults is sadly rife. Though cases makes the headlines sometimes it’s the tip of the iceberg. You have to understand that it was not a personal attack on you or the care you gave.

She should have read the case history before ambushing you if she felt there is something to hide.
Unfortunately when you don't let them visit they assume the worst.
Write a letter maybe it'll prevent it happening again unnecessarily.

How did it come about that the housing officer wanted to go to the house to meet your mother? I don't understand what this visit would be for. All the more so when, as you later mentioned, you already had a social worker for your mother.

beenkeen, I am so, so sorry you are remembering this distressing experience and for the loss of your mum.

Social workers are damned if they do and damned if they don't, you know that - probably same applies to Housing Officers. They have to be scrupulous. However, they found nothing wrong when they came round, you and mum carried on the same. They did nothing wrong and were reassured that your mother was properly cared for.

Please try to put this behind you.

You were a good daughter.

I hope your life opens up many possibilities for you now. Your mother would like you to enjoy it.

As an aside, my neighbour's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers in her sixties like your mum; she lived almost round the corner to us with her husband (neighbour's dad), until she died. Dad would not hear of her going into residential care. My neighbour helped him look after her for many years, towards the end she was bedridden. It was heartbreaking in a way but also wonderful that she was so well cared for at home. Various people were involved over the years including social workers - I don't know if Housing Officers were, they were in council property originally but I think my neighbours bought their place.

It is right that social services are involved, beenkeen, just to be sure all is as well as possible, I've no doubt you were given a big tick.

My mother in law who had Parkinson's and other medical problems was also cared for at home by me and my husband with the help of carers. We too had social worker involvement which was right .

Bless you.

Sounds really shoddy and unprofessional to me. Yes, they have to protect the vulnerable, but she could have easily mentioned to you that she did, in fact, need to see your mother before initiating a safeguarding referral. When she met you she could also have easily asked what input your mother had from other services, and worked with the existing social worker.

Still, I think you're right to let it go. Housing officers are a bit rubbish, in my experience. Always looking for the worst in people without offering any assistance.

Well that's the thing the social worker was visiting every 6 months.
The housing officer was a newish officer and said she liked to meet all her tenants.
Even tho I had never met any other previous housing officers.
This particular one thought as my mum had advanced dementia she shouldn't be in her home and should be in assisted living or a care home.
Her visit was initially to say hello to my mum (even tho I said it was pointless as her dementia is advanced )
That's when she invented Clive visiting for a survey

I didn't mind social services being involved as they had helped with perching stools etc
It was the housing officer (if my mum had a bought house she wouldn't have to if answered to any housing officer )

I'm glad you are letting it go now, beenkeen. I hope setting it all out here has helped. From what I can see, nobody has actually done anything wrong - and you have been great! Would that there were more 'children' like you.

Please enjoy your life, it is a great gift. The world is definitely your lobster now :-).

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. The housing officer sounds like a proper patronising cow. "Meet all my tenants" indeed. She works for the council - she's not the landlord. The fact that she lied to you and turned up mob handed just shows how crap she is at her job. If she had bothered to do her research, she would have seen that your Mum was receiving good care and was well supported.

Incredibly upsetting and intrusive for you, OP.

I am so sorry about your Mum. She was at least lucky to have a caring and attentive daughter like you.

I have no idea how housing officers work and what their remit is but I don't think people should end up feeling duped and without understanding of what is happening.

Are you still in the flat?

Had a friend whose uncle was very vulnerable and not mentally capable. A nephew moved in with him as carer. All seemed fine when family and SWs visited for about 2 years. All prearranged visits of course for uncle's 'benefit'. Wasn't until someone turned up unannounced that they found uncle was kept in the cupboard under the stairs and brought out and cleaned up for the prearranged visits.

That this woman does not know you is the point. She didn't know you were being a loving carer or taking advantage of your mum. She didn't know if your reason for not allowing home visits was in your mother's best interests or if you were avoiding anyone finding out about abuse. She wasn't to know if every SW visit was manipulated by you to make all look fine or not. She can't just take what you say at face value, as she doesn't know you.

I'm sorry for your lose, but SWs have been crucified time and time again for being too trusting when tragedies happen that they could have stopped by being sneaky and less trusting.

It's a horrible assumption to have to make, but better to not trust than trust too much when vulnerable adults or children are involved.

I have had similar wrongful interaction from Social Services. There are a few problems raised by the actions of people determinedly entering a situation in that way i.e. housing office, social worker and police. It can turn a person against each of those organisations and all who work there. Checking up on people would have been fine for me prior to the situation I found myself in with social workers etc but after my experiences I do not trust any person from any of the jobs involved.
The lies and the lack of apology is the worst. They actually think it is fine to disrupt people's lives and not even issue an apology or admit their wrong doing. I still have no trust in any of the organisations or their staff and this is many years later.

They bring this distrust and hatred on themselves

If your mum already had a regular social worker and no concerns were noted, I have to say it seems it was the housing officer who made an report to SS, detailing her concerns over your mother.

In that case, an safeguarding may have been raised which is why a different social worker came round.

Sorry you had to go through this but SS have to follow up reports.

I wasn't even aware it was a legal requirement for a housing officer to meet with tenants considering she was the first one to even ask.