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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed by the Duchess of Cambridge's claim that home schooling is 'exhausting'

911 replies

Livingtothefull · 29/01/2021 21:43

www.edp24.co.uk/news/kate-middleton-video-call-parents-homeschooling-challenges-pandemic-7080128

I accept that lockdown has had an impact on everyone to some extent, however privileged. But I can't help being irritated by this. Even if we accept that she is doing the home schooling herself without any help, I don't think there is any comparison between her situation and that of many other people. I am not saying lockdown isn't difficult for her.....but it is a million times harder if you are say a single parent, struggling with home schooling and a minimum wage job which you may lose any time, worried sick about your and DC future if this happens. And doing it in a poky flat instead of a vast country estate.

And I know she may be trying to show empathy with the rest of us. But TBH I would have much more respect for the royals if they would just acknowledge their privilege rather than claim common ground which just isn't there.

OP posts:
HikeForward · 30/01/2021 22:24

it is truly shocking to hear you suggest that well off parents 'can't risk losing their jobs due to higher outgoings'. You understand, right, that most people renting in this country spend a higher percentage of their salary on housing than those with mortgages? Do you think that and couple who can just afford a 2 bed flat for a family of 4 truly have lower outgoings, as a % of salary, than a well off family? And far fewer of those outgoings will be in any way optional or cancellable, it will be rent, utilities, council tax, food and bits and bobs for clothing, transport and the kids

Based on my own experience and that of friends, renting a 2-bed flat is far cheaper mortgage payments on say a 4-bed detached house with a garden. Council tax and utilities like heating tend to be higher too. But IME parents try to get onto the property ladder to save money in the long run, and go for the largest house they can afford to avoid paying stamp duty and moving costs all over again when kids need more space. How are outgoings like the ones you listed ‘optional or cancellable’ whether you rent or have a mortgage?

I do appreciate space and a garden avoids overcrowding and noise issues with neighbours.

Mummadeze · 30/01/2021 22:29

I can imagine home schooling being hard for every mother, unless they have tutors doing everything. If she is trying to teach them herself she has my every sympathy!

VinylDetective · 30/01/2021 22:31

@Mummadeze

I can imagine home schooling being hard for every mother, unless they have tutors doing everything. If she is trying to teach them herself she has my every sympathy!
Actually if she’d used sympathy as her single word she’d be pretty criticism proof. What a shame she didn’t think of it.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 30/01/2021 23:10

Criticism proof?only to the sychopahnts and ma’am fans
Everyone else sees her for the privileged out of touch woman she is

Bodyformforyouuu · 31/01/2021 05:18

I hope everyone criticising her for it remembers the starving children in Africa without clean water or food etc the next time they feel like having a moan. There is always someone worse off. It is not a competition.

RickiTarr · 31/01/2021 05:32

@Bodyformforyouuu

I hope everyone criticising her for it remembers the starving children in Africa without clean water or food etc the next time they feel like having a moan. There is always someone worse off. It is not a competition.
Oh have a word with yourself. What rot.
OverTheRubicon · 31/01/2021 06:46

@HikeForward

it is truly shocking to hear you suggest that well off parents 'can't risk losing their jobs due to higher outgoings'. You understand, right, that most people renting in this country spend a higher percentage of their salary on housing than those with mortgages? Do you think that and couple who can just afford a 2 bed flat for a family of 4 truly have lower outgoings, as a % of salary, than a well off family? And far fewer of those outgoings will be in any way optional or cancellable, it will be rent, utilities, council tax, food and bits and bobs for clothing, transport and the kids

Based on my own experience and that of friends, renting a 2-bed flat is far cheaper mortgage payments on say a 4-bed detached house with a garden. Council tax and utilities like heating tend to be higher too. But IME parents try to get onto the property ladder to save money in the long run, and go for the largest house they can afford to avoid paying stamp duty and moving costs all over again when kids need more space. How are outgoings like the ones you listed ‘optional or cancellable’ whether you rent or have a mortgage?

I do appreciate space and a garden avoids overcrowding and noise issues with neighbours.

Of course renting a 2 bed flat is cheaper outgoings than a 4 bed house. But a family of 4 in a 2 bed flat is overwhelmingly more likely to be on a far lower income than the family in a 4 bed detached. And yes, utilities etc are non negotiable costs in any case - but less well off families usually have a larger percentage of their take home pay eaten up by rent and other costs, that is my point, and a far lower absolute number of £s left afterwards too.

And of top of this, half of adults in this country have under £2000 in savings, most of them on lower incomes. That's what I mean when I say that it's not just the higher income families that can't risk losing a job. Worst case, your family in the big 4 bed can sell it or rent it out, even if that takes a bit of time, and have some equity.

Doesn't mean it's easier for higher earners either, I am one, but I'm tired of seeing people on here have little understanding of how lucky we are, because so few have friends in really difficult financial circumstances.

HikeForward · 31/01/2021 08:42

But a family of 4 in a 2 bed flat is overwhelmingly more likely to be on a far lower income than the family in a 4 bed detached

Not necessarily, lots of people I know rent small flats (eg in London or city centres to be near work), and they’re on higher than average incomes.
I think it depends on area and how often you need to move house for work etc. We were a family in a 2-bed rental flat until recently, as we’d moved around the country a lot for work. It took us a year or so to settle and buy a house (and save the deposit etc). Our incomes haven’t changed since moving to a 4-bed house, but our outgoings have increased massively. In a small flat, one of us could have left our job to be a SAHP or taken unpaid leave with little impact financially, now it would be more difficult. I’m not complaining, we chose space and a bigger mortgage over disposable income.

it's not just the higher income families that can't risk losing a job. Worst case, your family in the big 4 bed can sell it or rent it out, even if that takes a bit of time, and have some equity

I agree families with low incomes are often unable to risk losing their income too.
Selling or renting a big property to move to a smaller one is rarely a quick fix though; the sheer costs of moving are often enough to deter a lot of families, who might have big properties but are struggling to keep their heads above water. I have a friend in a huge property who now can’t afford to heat it due the impact of the pandemic on her business. She has 3 kids and no nannies/cleaners/private tutors (or partner). Yet she loves the house and is hopeful she can get her business back on track. But she’s exhausted right now as you can imagine, trying to homeschool and work enough to cover her outgoings.

Doesn't mean it's easier for higher earners either, I am one, but I'm tired of seeing people on here have little understanding of how lucky we are, because so few have friends in really difficult financial circumstances

Hmm. I have friends in really difficult financial circumstances (including some in receipt of benefits and living in HA properties). But I don’t think as myself as ‘lucky’ (more I worked very hard to climb the career ladder before having kids and married someone who had done the same). We saved and planned carefully rather than relied on luck.
I know some people have been very unlucky and their financial circumstances are due to job loss or illness. But not everyone on a high income is ‘lucky’. They may have additional problems that make them exhausted, that no amount of wealth can solve.

misskatamari · 31/01/2021 09:05

I dunno. If she was writing some article going on about how hard it is, sure tone dead and wtf. But in this context, she was in a video chat, with other parents. What was she supposed to say?

I guess the answer would be "don't do video chats like that" but in this scenario I don't see what she's done wrong. She's trying to show empathy that she gets how tough it is surely?

HikeForward · 31/01/2021 09:17

Going back to Kate, I agree she was trying to show empathy. Who knows what she meant by ‘exhausted’?
Maybe the nanny had been ill and she’d had to homeschool all 3 kids herself, or kids had kept her up the night before, or she’d been sleeping badly. Maybe it was just the first word that came to mind?

OhWhyNot · 31/01/2021 09:18

Kate has a pr team she knows what to say and what not to say. I think she realised she had made a mistake and starts wittering on about cutting hair

Showing empathy isn’t about you feeling the same it’s that you understand how others feel.

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 09:57

I read it that if she finds it tough it really is OK for the rest of us to find it tough no matter what our situation

Crikey. So you need Kate to validate your feelings? Can’t you objectively look at your situation and judge if you’re being justified or purely self-indulgent in finding it difficult? Or speak to friends? Instead of needing validation from someone whose job it is to appear relateable even when all evidence suggests the contrary, and therefore she is at best insincere?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 31/01/2021 10:01

Absolutely re what empathy is!!

And she's not homeschooling three, surely Louis is a little tot playing on the floor still? But if just take it as face value, she's exhausted wrt homeschooling, obviously not regarding thinking of what to cook for dinner but who knows, they could be resisting sitting down to it, wanting constant breaks etc. It can be draining. I'd assume she is doing the homeschooling bit, obviously with a lot of support from the school, but that she's supervising like many. I actually find the maths comment more annoying if she got an A! In general tho, because of the vast difference between her and 'normal mums' I do think the calls seem patronising tho it may not be intentional. And when you think of the number of homes they have and the ott and unnecessary luxury, it is hard to take their social concerns seriously..

Throwaway99 · 31/01/2021 10:03

@Bodyformforyouuu

I hope everyone criticising her for it remembers the starving children in Africa without clean water or food etc the next time they feel like having a moan. There is always someone worse off. It is not a competition.
Is that you mum?
HeadNorth · 31/01/2021 10:40

I certainly wouldn't moan to the starving children in Africa about how tough I am finding lookdown. That would be like a member of the Royal Family telling us commoners they are exhausted.

Charley50 · 31/01/2021 10:40

I really can't see the monarchy surviving once the Queen has gone. She has so much goodwill and acted as an ambassador while the British empire was rightly dismantled. She was seen as a Stateswoman and did stick to her role. People were more in awe of royalty then. The penny has dropped they are just regular people these days, and have no business living off taxpayers money, however little per person they like us to think it is. The history of our monarchy is fascinating but it doesn't fit the present.
I think we'll either get rid, or scale it right back.

Livingtothefull · 31/01/2021 12:47

I agree that after the Queen the monarchy will change drastically or go.

The queen is largely respected even by anti-monarchists, because she is perceived to have put her duty first and largely avoided controversy. But Charles just does not and will not command the same respect.

There are a number of reasons for this; firstly, the appalling way he was seen to treat his first wife. His penchant for lecturing us about the environment despite his own elephant-sized carbon footprint. His close friendships with at least 3 paedophiles - Jimmy Savile, Laurens Van Der Post and Peter Ball - which he maintained after conviction/cautioning in some cases (no fan at all of Prince Andrew but look how he was pilloried for much the same - how come PC gets off so lightly?)

OP posts:
Bookwords · 31/01/2021 12:51

I certainly wouldn't moan to the starving children in Africa about how tough I am finding lookdown. That would be like a member of the Royal Family telling us commoners they are exhausted.

Exactly this, what a ridiculous statement "don't forget the starving children in Africa"

Yeah, I'll just go tell them I'm off to McDonald's for lunch as I'm starving as I missed breakfast 🙄

staceybeaker · 31/01/2021 13:35

I know some people are just naturally thin and all that but I've met more than one very thin person who seems to be exhausted all the time and wondered if they might need to eat a bit more tbh

Smncandles · 31/01/2021 13:35

I fail to understand how a mature democracy can continue with a monarchy and all that entails - collecting tax from workers to pay for luxury , being subject to the crown etc.

I think the previous poster is right regarding the queen , empire and the the events of the 20th century .

It's time for change .

VinylDetective · 31/01/2021 13:54

Prince Andrew but look how he was pilloried for much the same - how come PC gets off so lightly?)

Because he didn’t fuck trafficked women perhaps? It’s nowhere near the same.

There’s no doubt that the monarchy will change and modernise once the Queen’s gone and it seems that Charles is chafing at the bit to get rid of a lot of the hangers on. Outside the MN republican bubble there’s no appetite for abolishing the monarchy so I suspect you’ll all have something to froth about for a long time.

C130 · 31/01/2021 14:07

I take it Prince Andrew will not be charged with anything as the has the protection of the Monarchy.

VinylDetective · 31/01/2021 14:10

He absolutely ought to be charged if there’s enough evidence but all his mates will fall over themselves to cover it up. I lost a bit of respect for the Queen with her public displays of support. Now that was tone deaf.

Smncandles · 31/01/2021 14:21

Tone deaf ? Really ?
Is the the worst you have to say re public support for Andrew with all we know about the FBI investigation ?

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2021 14:57

@misskatamari

I dunno. If she was writing some article going on about how hard it is, sure tone dead and wtf. But in this context, she was in a video chat, with other parents. What was she supposed to say?

I guess the answer would be "don't do video chats like that" but in this scenario I don't see what she's done wrong. She's trying to show empathy that she gets how tough it is surely?

And if she didn't do this kind of stuff she'd be criticised for not doing them.

Actually if she’d used sympathy as her single word she’d be pretty criticism proof. What a shame she didn’t think of it.
Nope you're wrong.

"Sympathy? Well how about she puts her hands in her pockets and buys everyone a computer / gives her home to the homeless / offers to homeschool key workers children blah blah blah"