Something unkind which has stayed for you forever 😟

[Heartbrokenstill]

My grandmother who I never saw from year to year.. I was about 7 when my mam and dad took me to hers at Christmas (I never ever got a Xmas gift or card/birthday card/gift from her) I was a shy quiet child and she had a real Christmas tree in her sitting room and I put my hand underneath a beautiful tree toy just to look.. not taking it off the tree or anything and she smacked my hand away.. mam and dad was drinking tea and never saw she died years ago but I still feel the sadness of the little 7 year old I was all them years ago .. Don't know what I want from this post but lockdown really makes you feel low... I am nearly 60 no just to give you a idea how long ago it was

I use to be taken most Sunday's to my grandparents house by my dad.
Every time other members of the family - aunts, uncles, cousins, dogs - would be there having a full on roast dinner at the table.
There was nowhere to sit so I use to sit on the back step stroking next doors cat.

Never ever was invited, never ever had anything more there than a drink of squash on the step.

It’s their loss.

Once a PE teacher told me I needed to try harder in hockey and it was no wonder I’d put on weight. I was 13. It helped start me on the rocky road to a lifetime of eating disorders

I cried in a music lesson when I was about 8 because I couldn’t do something and the teacher rolled his eyes and laughed at me.

My friend telling me at age 15 “I hate you more than anyone else in the world”.

Another redhead here also, bullied relentlessly for it and it’s always stuck with me.

My dad telling me I shouldn’t learn to drive because real men wanted a woman they could drive around, and that I shouldn’t have an operation on my legs in case it went wrong and “no man will ever be interested in you”. He was abusive anyway.

My ex MIL refusing to look after DS1 while I was having a miscarriage so now ex could take me to hospital. Told ex “she’ll just have to get on with it”. I lost 600ml of blood and had various complications. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her unkindness

When my nana on my mums side, who I adored with all my heart, died. I had to stay at my grandmas on my dads side, while my mum went to the funeral. She said "Well you better not cry all day!" I was a weak little thing and insanely shy around her, I wanted my nana more than anything in that moment.

At secondary school the cool girls used to tease me because I had a shiny nose! I have no idea why my nose was shiny but it made me so paranoid, I thought it might have been because my skin looked oily so I used to carry cleansing wipes and regularly wipe my face, which made my face really sore. I should have just dabbed some powder on but I had no idea about makeup I was only 12. Every time I was in class with these girls, one in particular, she used to say loudly why is your nose so shiny? Every. Time.

It was a teacher, at junior school. I must of been about 9 years old. The whole school were lined up to go into school. I was a little late, a minute of two. The teacher shouted at me to run, and that would get some fat off me. Everyone in the playground laughed. I am over 60 now but it still makes me sad, thinking about it.

When I was 12, I was so miserable because of school bullying, and an attitude at home of 'sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you', that I ran away from home.

I walked about 11 miles away from home before a kindly old woman saw me and convinced me to let her phone my parents. Once I got home, nothing more was ever said and no-one even attempted to find out why I was so unhappy.

About 6 months ago, I was back in my home area, and drove along the road I'd walked along. When I realised how far I'd got from home, without anyone caring why, I just started sobbing. Had to stop the car and it took me over 2 hours to compose myself, I felt so distressed for the little girl I was and all of the unkindness I was dealing with.

My dad passed away after struggling with an illness for 12 months. I had been the major carer for him and accompanied him to a lot of appointments and made a lot of hard decisions with him in terms of medications and trials. In that time I had put on weight and gone from a size 10 to a 14. At my dads funeral my Uncle (married to my mums sister) came to me, poked me in the stomach and said "now thats over you need to lose some weight". I was and havn't spoken to them since. It was just so inappropriate.

This same man and his wife torture their (normal weight) kids over their weights. I remember being about 12 and my nan giving us some crisps at a family party. My aunt snatched them from her daughters hands and told her to have a banana instead, in front of about 40 people. Their children used to steal from other kids lunch boxes in search of chocolate biscuits at school. Once they both got to uni and moved out of home they quickly put weight on from finally being able to choose their own diets and bingeing. They slimmed down afterwards but it was just such an unhealthy attitude to food.

My sister revelled in winding me up when we were kids. One day she called me a cow, as part of her relentless winding up, so I called her a bitch. I got into soo much trouble from my mother for that. I dont think I'll ever forget the injustice of it. She also used to "play" 52 card pick up with me, I was resistant until she threatened to tell mother.
The amount of times she lied to get me in trouble taught me that whether I lied or not, I would be told off, so whenever a situation came up, I told the truth for my own peace of mind.
My mother was the most unsympathetic person I knew. She told me once, that I was an accident. She had me when my dad was posted to Cyprus, when I asked my dad, he said she deliberately came off the pill.
Skhe was also unsympathetic if I was unwell, I twisted my ankle, I was told to keep walking on it. I had glandular fever and it took her a week to take me to the doc. Normally its a blood test to confirm, but as my tonsils were touching and they did a swab.
I hate to think what she'd have done, had I broken a bone.

And when I was early 20s and quite honestly in the best shape of my life, as you are at that age, my friends dad said, you'd be decent looking if you just lost some weight. I was a size 10.

My dad's business went under during the 80's recession and his family always made a big deal about us being poor. They used to be in contact regularly when times were good. After the business went under, my dad wasn't useful to them anymore.

When I was 16 I started my first job in a shop. I was very quiet and shy and it took me ages to come out of my shell and feel comfortable talking to people. I think because I looked a certain way people had it in their head that I loved myself and was stuck up, which couldn't be further from the truth. I knew the other girls there use to talk about me behind my back and make jokes but I was still friendly and didn't let it affect the job. But one time I went in and the manager said she wanted to see me and said that all the girls there had made complaints about me and said I blanked them which wasn't true, I was just shy and at the time wasn't into going out drinking and conversation was hard but I always greeted people and worked well alongside them.

Travelling home on a coach overnight (I was at boarding school and was going home for a long weekend), I’d fallen asleep and was woken up by one of the other girls leaning over me to get her jacket. Her friend said “don’t wake her.” And then she said “she’s blind, (I am) I feel really sorry for her, because she’ll probably never find a husband, because not only is she blind, she’s not very attractive either.”

Fast forward a couple of years and I had a BF who used to tell me I was beautiful. So one day I asked him if he really thought that, and he replied “well no, but it’s what boyfriends are supposed to say so thought I’d say it.”

Couldn’t give a toss now whether people think I’m ugly or not....

I was the last child in my class to learn to swim....Headteacher said to the class teacher in whole school assembly "is it just the one child that can't swim now?" I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me up

But here’s maybe a more positive one where someone got his comeuppance.

Primary school, and I had a vile teacher who used to shout, scream, rant and rage at many of us but had his favourites. One day he called us up individually to show him our homework. I went up and he took my folder, looked through it, and then grabbed hold of me by my blazer, shook me and hissed “I’d better never have to ask for your homework again, do you hear me?” I was baffled because I had no idea what I’d done wrong, so I just went back to my desk.

I did tell my mum though, and when they came to see me (as I said I was in boarding school) she demanded a meeting with this teacher, so there they were in the vice principle’s office. She asked him what I had done and he said I’d been rude. Now I was never a rude child and she knew that, but she asked him what I’d said, and he just stood there shuffling his feet. She then asked him if he could imagine what it would be like if he couldn’t see someone suddenly coming towards him to grab him and shake him, at which point she grabbed his jacket and said it in his face.

And she said the worst of it was that he just stood there like a naughty schoolboy.

Maybe it’s not the conventional way to address teachers who have been horrible to your child, but I still cheer inwardly about it 33 years on.

These are so sad. I resonate with the school bullying and feeling ugly experiences.

Words do stay with you and make you feel worthless. I was taunted by male peers at school. All attention was negative. I was highly promiscuous as a teenager because I lapped up every bit of attention I received. I convinced myself someone sleeping with me meant I was desired and liked, a far cry from high school where I was seen as hideous. As a result I was used but I allowed it to happen.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived and went on to have a fairly normal life.

@LucasLeesEyebrows

Another one for me was a female PE teacher at secondary school. One very cold morning we had netball first thing. I wasn’t particularly good at it and she must have got frustrated with me being unable to catch the ball. Anyway she called me out and stood about ten paces away from me, readied the ball in a ‘push out’ motion and absolutely flung a rock hard netball at my face as hard as she could. It hit me on the nose and my God did it hurt. Then she ordered me to throw it back and unbelievably she did it again! It hit me in the nose again and I thought she’d broken it. Everyone stood around a bit agog and the bullies laughed, naturally. She then sent me off to get changed. I wish I’d have had the courage to walk straight to the head of year’s office and report her or walk out of the school gates and go home but I was only 12 and a ‘good girl’ who wouldn’t dream of doing something like that. She became the deputy head of sixth form by the time I was doing my A Levels but fortunately I was very close to the head of sixth form so didn’t have to go near her for anything. I think she knew she’d gone way too far because she never really spoke to me and left me alone after that day. Sometimes she pops up on my ‘people you may know’ on FB and ironically her profile is a quote about “Be kind. Always.” I love to message her and tell her she wasn’t very fucking kind when she nearly broke my nose.

I would message her and say this and say how it affected you.

I was a complete people pleaser because I convinced myself it was the only way people would be friends with me. I remember giving away a very sentimental item as a teenager in an effort to make sure a 'friend' stuck around. It's taken me until my late 30s to realise this behaviour isn't healthy. I still struggle massively with acquiesing to my mother's wishes.

DH is very verbally affectionate and often says he loves me. One day some years back he said this is just what he says when he doesn't know what to say, and that he doesn't actually feel it.

@Eeeemac I think your post is an example of unkindness

My first memories of my terrible catholic convent school at 4 years old asking the horrible nun teacher if i could go to the toilet and being told no, sitting there wetting myself at my desk then putting my coat over the puddle on the floor to hide it, will never forget the shame of it, later on at secondary i was a bit podgy, i used to comfort eat as dad was an alcoholic and things were awful at home, used to dread PE as we had to wear these very short pleated skirts and big brown knickers, there was a group of very pretty slim girls who would bully me calling me tree trunk legs shouting it out in PE, teachers knew about it but just ignored it, the worst bully karen lived opposite us and knew what a terrible home life i had yet carried on bullying me with her gang, i stopped going to school after that, lost loads of weight but i never got to complete my education, it has affected my whole life, have never told anyone till now

I was round my friends house before Christmas and we were sitting with her parents.
I was saying how my mum buys us one main prezzie each (3 of us £100 each) then loads of little prezzies.
My friend said her and her brother write lists and get what they want.
Later on that day I heard her step Dad make a joke to her "Be good or you will spent Xmas at JobSeeker19 house".
My friend just done a tickly laugh and didn't defend me.
I remember feeling so low.

I've name changed for this.

As a child I was a bed wetter. The shame was never ending. MY DGM (not so D) actively disliked me, and would insist that I was scrubbed in the kitchen sink before letting me in the rest of the house. If I had to sleep over, she made me wear rubber pants and a nappy, and the shame I feel from that is still with me. She was horrible to me, but lovely to my sisters.

I remember one day the teacher taking me into the cloakroom telling me I smelled of pee, and asking me if I washed and had clean clothes. I frankly don't remember much about that time (between 6 or 7 to mid teens - was sexually abused througout that time) but I do remember that we did not have clean clothes, or a working bath. I more than likely lied. My DM was having MH issues throughout much of this period, and it is all a blur.

I still dream about wetting the bed. Thankfully, it hasn't happened for about 40 years.

and hugs to all on this thread, well all but @Eeeemac, who apparently does not need any.

My year 6 teacher, in the build up to SATS, asked me and about 3 others to stay behind at break She then proceeded to say that she wasn’t going to be helping us with an upcoming competition project we were doing in school and expected us to just get on with our own at our table and not to disturb anyone else, so that we didn’t spoil their chances of winning the prize. It was making a model and a big coursework style book about our residential. She said she’s not expecting much from us so we just need to be quiet, and then proceeded to say she wouldnt be surprised if we all failed our SATS. The final phrase was “I’m not even going to wish you luck for secondary school, I can’t see you amounting to anything”

As a grown up now and trained in safe guarding, I totally understand a child’s fear to speak up. She scared me. That conversation still plays in my mind. I told my father about it as an adult - he cried, said how much he wished I had told him and he would have smacked her across the face. He probably would have too.

Another crunch one - my school friends (the irony being I’m still friends with some of them now). I have an eye condition. 90s style glasses were a bit iffy, and I have a couple of facial scars which were more prominent 20 years ago when this happened.
A group of us went swimming. A couple of the girls wanted us to get a disabled changing room so that we could use the private shower. I then said we shouldn’t really, there’s only a couple and we aren’t disabled. Response? “Yeah but I think we’ll get away with it with you with us, you look disabled. You look like you could have special needs”

I actually reminded the friend of this comment a few years back when we had a row. She was a bit shocked but also very much “I can’t have said that” “if I did I’m sorry I was just a kid you know I didn’t mean it”. We are definitely not as close as we once were.

Multiple comments that I wouldn’t be single if I just “changed this” “had that” “kept that interest hidden” - so lived a lie. Basically me as I am isn’t good enough.

Work colleagues over time have been the biggest eye opener. What people are willing to do to cover their own backs. Certain things have stuck with me that make it hard to win my trust but to be honest they’ve made me much stronger and more aware and I’ve finally grown much more able to stand up for myself and not take crap. It’s also taught me that toxic people are not worth a second thought.

@Eeeemac

I wonder...do you ever remember the times you have done something that could have been construed as unkind?

It often feels that the people who post like this really believe they have never done anything wrong in their lives that could have hurt others.

None of us are perfect, not your Gran, not you, not me, not any poster here. It is odd how clearly we remember the unkindness of others and how easily we forget the times we too have been unkind.

That's what I was thinking. I was about to post something about how cruel my dad was but your post made me remember about how I made a cruel impression of a colleague who was not well liked. She was standing behind me. I feel ashamed now , over thirty years later.