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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child Maintenance when not needed

99 replies

isla2009 · 29/01/2021 13:19

I split up with ex-DH when DS1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2 as I found out he cheated on me during my pregnancy. Despite the circumstances we have gone on to co-parent very well together - he was a rubbish husband at the time but I can't fault him as a dad.

I have since remarried and had DS3 - ex-DH is currently engaged to his lovely fiance - we all get on well and do things together as a big, blended modern day family.

New DH is amazing and has taken on the older boys and absolutely treats them as his own. We are now in the extremely fortunate position that he has sold his business and made quite a bit of money. He wants to set up trusts for the boys and is treating them all equally.

Ex-DH has confessed to me in the past that he is struggling a little with finances - he earns well but also had a child with OW so pays 3x maintenance. Our DC also go to private school so on top of the maintenance we were splitting school fees 50:50.

DH and I have agreed that we will tell ex-DH that he does not need to contribute to private school fees going forward. I'm not sure what to do with child maintenance payments - I'm leaning towards him still paying and putting the funds directly into a bank account for the DC for when they are older - the money is for them not me after all. DH feels bad taking money off ex-DH when we really don't need it and thinks we should tell him he doesn't need to pay that either (told you he was lovely!)

WWYD???

First time I'm using voting but if I've set it up correctly then:

YANBU - he should continue to pay maintenance

YABU - he should stop payments as you no longer need it

OP posts:
DynamoKev · 29/01/2021 13:24

going forward

YABU

Mabelface · 29/01/2021 13:28

It's not about you needing tv he money, but ex contributing towards his children's living costs. You could always bung it into a savings account for when the kids are older, but he should keep paying.

Summersun2020 · 29/01/2021 13:30

He’s their dad, of course he should pay. Sends a terrible message to the kids if he doesn’t contribute.

luxxlisbon · 29/01/2021 13:30

I don't think it is a question of "not needing it" because the responsibility of the children is still split between both parents.

It seems like from your post the children might be in private school because of your new income and if you and your ex were still together on your incomes they might not necessarily stretch to private school.

Since your ex is struggling financially much more than you and your current partner I would remove the private school fees from his obligation.

Personally I would continue the child maintenance for now, the drop in private school fees should free up your ex financially and the maintenance can always be looked at again in a few months.

grannyinapram · 29/01/2021 13:32

are you mad? keep him paying everything! absolutely not fair for new dh to pay for old dhs children. keep the extra money for the kids give it to charity, burn it for all I care. its the principal.

LuaDipa · 29/01/2021 13:32

The fact that you and dh are successful is irrelevant. They are still his kids and he should be supporting them, and you to bring them up. I would save the money on behalf of the kids.

BlueJag · 29/01/2021 13:33

How about to still pay half of the maintenance and no school fees?
You can start building a fund for your children when they go to university or their first home?
I think that would be fair.

Fabellini · 29/01/2021 13:36

You and your dhs income doesn’t come into it. This is about your ex’s obligation to his children.
I would agree with pp that taking away the share of school fees is fine, (and should make things easier for him too), but he can’t just walk away from contributing to his children’s upbringing.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 29/01/2021 13:37

I think either way is fine. Your DH really does seem lovely

mootymoo · 29/01/2021 13:37

I would stop the school fees and suggest reduced child maintenance as you know it's a lot.

UnsureAndUnsteady · 29/01/2021 13:38

I am in a very similar situation to you, 2 kids with ExDh and we all get on very well. I have remarried and all 3 of us are “high earners” so the kids have a very comfortable lifestyle as my DH treats them as if they were his. But our house has 2 high incomes plus maintenance and half of school fees from ExDh. My advice is to tread very carefully my ExDH is very proud and wants to contribute to his children as they are his. He would feel pushed out if he wasn’t “providing” for them and it also makes it hard for him to have a say in anything going on in the kids life if he isn’t paying. I would be tempted to say reduce the amount he is contributing by half (as an example) but agree that some of that money is for school fees and some for their upkeep. That way he has a say in everything. What you actually do with that money is entirely down to you and if you want to put it in savings (we have set up trust funds so that his money is still going to the kids) then that’s your choice. But men do feel quite protective of their roles and I would be worried that you were emasculating him (in his eyes) if he isn’t contributing at all.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 29/01/2021 13:38

Tell them that you'll pay the school fees but do not relinquish child maintenance under any circumstances - you may be flush now but you don't know when you'll need it.

Bubbles1st · 29/01/2021 13:39

He should continue to pay the maintenance as a minimum they're his responsibility regardless of whether or not you can afford to cover their costs. It would be wonderful gesture if when they turn 18 there is some money in the bank for them. If private school was a joint decision and he is still happy to contribute then let him otherwise if you wish to take that away from him and you're happy to pay in full then I don't see anything wrong with that either.

Is there any chance that you will cause him any offence and he will feel in adequate if you stop his payments there is also that to consider

LemonSqueezy0 · 29/01/2021 13:40

I think it's nice that you are considering it, but you need to think long term. It sounds awful, and I'm sorry, but what if you broke up with new DH, or lost the money, or God forbid, lost him. You couldn't really go back to the Ex and say maintenance is now due again.... I would say release him from school fees, and that is of great benefit to him, but keep the CM and bank it if you like. Its for the children after all.

grey12 · 29/01/2021 13:42

He needs to keep paying for his kids. What if your financial situation changes? And then your Ex is out of the picture?

If he is struggling financially maybe he could maybe DELAY payment. If he can't afford this month/wtv he pays it afterwards.

And yes, I would put the money in an account for the kids

ChloeCrocodile · 29/01/2021 13:43

I would tell him that you are happy to come to a new agreement. One where he pays a bit less, but not nothing. Perhaps halve his contributions to private school? Then you can pay the extra (essentially 1/4 of the school fees) into a savings account for your DC to have a head start on a housing deposit.

IMightCry · 29/01/2021 13:44

He still needs to pay child maintenance at the very least.

Cattitudes · 29/01/2021 13:45

I would use the money to build a buffer so if new dh died, left you, became abusive etc you would have some money to put towards school fees, uni etc. Your position remains precarious until the children leave home. His savings on school fees alone will be considerable. Also he might want to provide for his sons. I would go with the school fees offer first and see how that goes down and whether it impacts on the relationships. You can always offer to cut maintenance at a later time point. You can say to him if you want to that you are putting money into savings for them so he knows that if needed you can be flexible on maintenance.

ParadiseIsland · 29/01/2021 13:51

I think the private school is something really personal and if he isn’t in the position to pay, then he isn’t.

Child maintenance is another issue. What if you new DH has an accident and can’t work anymore? What if you separate, for whatever reason?

Your ex has two lots of maintenance to pay following his own life decisions. That included cheating on his pg wife and having a child with someone else. I’m afraid he is now dealing with the consequences of it.

Original poster
isla2009 · 29/01/2021 13:52

Thank you all for your feedback - it seems to be fairly unanimous that he should continue to pay something and I tend to agree for all the reasons mentioned upthread - principle, his ego, don't know what the future holds... I think we will stop the private school fees so he will benefit by saving this but will keep the maintenance and put into an account for the DC for when they're older. It's a very fortunate position to be in and I appreciate that we are very lucky especially in the current economic climate.

OP posts:
Original poster
isla2009 · 29/01/2021 13:53

@ParadiseIsland

I think the private school is something really personal and if he isn’t in the position to pay, then he isn’t.

Child maintenance is another issue. What if you new DH has an accident and can’t work anymore? What if you separate, for whatever reason?

Your ex has two lots of maintenance to pay following his own life decisions. That included cheating on his pg wife and having a child with someone else. I’m afraid he is now dealing with the consequences of it.

This is very true! And I need to remind myself of it regardless of how well we all get on now!
OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 29/01/2021 13:54

I don't think you should be suggesting for him to pay less at all. The money isn't yours, it belongs to your dc and they are entitled to the lifestyle afforded by it. Save it for them if you really don't need it!

Lachimolala · 29/01/2021 13:57

I would remove the school fees and ask him to pay a reduced amount of maintenance, therefore he is still contributing. I think you sound like a really considerate lovely person I know I’d be happy knowing that ex had more funds to do nice things in his contact time with the kids and most likely be a happier dad without so many money worries, you could put the token amount of maintenance away for the kids?

lyralalala · 29/01/2021 13:57

Keep the maintenance and put it into an account for uni. Your household income will be taken into account if your kids go to uni and if that's high then you'll be expected to contribute more.

Also, as others have said life can change. If anything happens to your DH or you and your ex is used to not paying it'll be harder to get it reinstated.

Bollss · 29/01/2021 14:11

@grannyinapram

are you mad? keep him paying everything! absolutely not fair for new dh to pay for old dhs children. keep the extra money for the kids give it to charity, burn it for all I care. its the principal.
the principal? seriously?

yes teach your kids its ok to watch someone struggle for the bloody sake of it.

Personally op i would ask him to save a small amount for the kids, and use the rest of it to ensure they have nice things when theyre with him - that way, they benefit.