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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child Maintenance when not needed

99 replies

isla2009 · 29/01/2021 13:19

I split up with ex-DH when DS1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2 as I found out he cheated on me during my pregnancy. Despite the circumstances we have gone on to co-parent very well together - he was a rubbish husband at the time but I can't fault him as a dad.

I have since remarried and had DS3 - ex-DH is currently engaged to his lovely fiance - we all get on well and do things together as a big, blended modern day family.

New DH is amazing and has taken on the older boys and absolutely treats them as his own. We are now in the extremely fortunate position that he has sold his business and made quite a bit of money. He wants to set up trusts for the boys and is treating them all equally.

Ex-DH has confessed to me in the past that he is struggling a little with finances - he earns well but also had a child with OW so pays 3x maintenance. Our DC also go to private school so on top of the maintenance we were splitting school fees 50:50.

DH and I have agreed that we will tell ex-DH that he does not need to contribute to private school fees going forward. I'm not sure what to do with child maintenance payments - I'm leaning towards him still paying and putting the funds directly into a bank account for the DC for when they are older - the money is for them not me after all. DH feels bad taking money off ex-DH when we really don't need it and thinks we should tell him he doesn't need to pay that either (told you he was lovely!)

WWYD???

First time I'm using voting but if I've set it up correctly then:

YANBU - he should continue to pay maintenance

YABU - he should stop payments as you no longer need it

OP posts:
BillMasen · 29/01/2021 14:15

@isla2009

Thank you all for your feedback - it seems to be fairly unanimous that he should continue to pay something and I tend to agree for all the reasons mentioned upthread - principle, his ego, don't know what the future holds... I think we will stop the private school fees so he will benefit by saving this but will keep the maintenance and put into an account for the DC for when they're older. It's a very fortunate position to be in and I appreciate that we are very lucky especially in the current economic climate.
I think this is both generous and sensible. In his position I’d appreciate that and have no issue continuing maintenance.
BillMasen · 29/01/2021 14:15

@grannyinapram

are you mad? keep him paying everything! absolutely not fair for new dh to pay for old dhs children. keep the extra money for the kids give it to charity, burn it for all I care. its the principal.
Spot the poster projecting their own issues with an ex...
LetMeOut2021 · 29/01/2021 15:16

Private schooling is one thing and is clearly an expense that isn’t essential. But in terms of CM - your children have a cost associated with them and I think it’s right that your ex continues to pay. I think a trust sounds like a great idea - that way they still benefit.

LetMeOut2021 · 29/01/2021 15:16

@grannyinapram

are you mad? keep him paying everything! absolutely not fair for new dh to pay for old dhs children. keep the extra money for the kids give it to charity, burn it for all I care. its the principal.
The principal of what?
Tier10 · 29/01/2021 15:18

What would happen if you spilt up with your new DH?

LetMeOut2021 · 29/01/2021 15:27

Could OP not make a claim maintenance then?

RottenTonic · 29/01/2021 15:36

I'm on the fence a bit with this. Not because I don't think he should contribute at all but because how much would depend on how bad these financial struggles are.

Aren't we always told that maintenance is also to maintain the child's lifestyle across both homes?

If Mum is living in luxury and Dad is struggling surely the above also applies in reverse? I.e. it makes sense for Dad to be able to spend the money maintaining a better quality of life at his house rather than the child living in a struggling household with Dad and a luxurious one with Mum?

BillMasen · 29/01/2021 15:38

@RottenTonic

I'm on the fence a bit with this. Not because I don't think he should contribute at all but because how much would depend on how bad these financial struggles are.

Aren't we always told that maintenance is also to maintain the child's lifestyle across both homes?

If Mum is living in luxury and Dad is struggling surely the above also applies in reverse? I.e. it makes sense for Dad to be able to spend the money maintaining a better quality of life at his house rather than the child living in a struggling household with Dad and a luxurious one with Mum?

Interesting

You won’t get much agreement with that on here though. Dads house can be tiny and awful, it’s his fault for [insert offence here]

RottenTonic · 29/01/2021 15:40

You won’t get much agreement with that on here though

No I imagine not! But it is something that is always said on maintenance threads, that it is to maintain a child's standard of living across both houses. I don't see why it shouldn't also apply the other way round personally.

But I don't know how bad these struggles are that your ex-DH is facing so it's hard to say.

lyralalala · 29/01/2021 15:43

If it's done through CMS he won't keep all of it if you cancel your arrangement. His payment for his other child will be recalculated based on only paying maintenance for one child rather than three.

MessAllOver · 29/01/2021 15:44

He should pay for his children. Don't reduce the maintenance either... that's their money and, if you don't need it immediately for them, it should go into savings for them later on.

Agree about the school fees.

Angryandhurt · 29/01/2021 15:46

Who's idea was it for the children to go to private school? If it was your's and DH and not your ex-H then I would say letting him off school fees is fine. If it was a joint between all of you, maybe you could just reduce rather then let him off it altogether? Anyway you do it, he absolutely should continue to pay something towards his children

unmarkedbythat · 29/01/2021 15:46

I think I agree with @RottenTonic.

Thedarknightsarelifting · 29/01/2021 15:47

I think of you as DH can afford the school fees that’s great. Let your ex continue to pay maintenance and save it for your children. Removing the financial burden of school fees will allow your ex a buffer to perhaps enjoy life with the DCs a bit more without worrying.

It’s lovely to hear how well you all get on.

PegasusReturns · 29/01/2021 15:48

If you don’t need the money and don’t want it then don’t take it.

If he’s a good father then his financial contribution is irrelevant.

thisisnotwhatisignedupfor · 29/01/2021 15:49

I think my decision would be based on how much time the DC's spend with their father, would he use the increase in his disposable income to directly benefit your sons when with him. If you believe he will be able to improve his provision for the children when in his care i.e buy them better quality food, take them on days out/holiday or pay for them to do an extra curricular activity then I'd agree to stop (on the proviso that if your situation changes he'll have to contribute again), if however you believe he'll use the money on himself and new partner then I'd continue and save the money for the future needs of your children. Remember that your son's relationship with their father is important and reducing his stress levels and allowing him the opportunity to have enjoyable time with the children will benefit your boys directly.

sapnupuas · 29/01/2021 15:50

@Mabelface

It's not about you needing tv he money, but ex contributing towards his children's living costs. You could always bung it into a savings account for when the kids are older, but he should keep paying.
Literally what it says in the OP...
Godimabitch · 29/01/2021 15:51

I'd keep the maintenance the same but remove the school fees, presumably if you couldn't afford to pay your share then they wouldn't be at private school so I think it's fair that he doesn't have to pay if he cant afford it. Presuming he actually cant afforddit and isnt just whinging at you because you have more money than him.
But he made the decision to produce kids with different women and is responsible for paying for them, I certainly wouldn't feel sorry for him that he impregnated the woman he was cheating on you with! You're a better person than me thats for sure.

Marley20 · 29/01/2021 15:55

I'm not sure, at first I thought well if course he should keep paying for all the reasons listed above. However rereading your message you describe yourselves as one big family and so if you don't need the money and it will take some of the strain off ExDH and his lovely wife as you've said why not, your DCs other set of parents being happier and more relaxed is surely better for your kids. The family finances between the families is none of the kids business anyway and you shouldn't discuss it with them.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 15:57

He should be paying the correct amount of child maintenance for all of his children. Don’t let him weasel out of it. If you don’t need the money day to day either do what you said and put it to one side for the kids for later or spend it on having fun with them now.

I’d question if he’s truly strapped for cash though as surely if he is he would have had to hold up his hands and say he can’t afford to pay 50% of the school fees. Or maybe my idea of being short of money is different to his? (It probably is)

Marley20 · 29/01/2021 15:58

PS, your husband sounds great, well done you xx

Northernsoullover · 29/01/2021 16:01

I must be mad. When my ex struggled for money I offered HIM money. He was in a tight spot and I wasn't. Why on earth would I watch someone genuinely struggle when they had always contributed? I would reduce it definitely and put the money aside just in case your circumstances change.
My ex didn't take the money in the end and we are now back on track.

Felifox · 29/01/2021 16:04

I would agree that the school fees need not be paid but I would keep the maintenance in a separate account in case of emergencies and if it's not needed then it's savings. As your dh has set up trust funds for all 3 dcs I would split any maintenance savings between all 3.

Bollss · 29/01/2021 16:13

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

He should be paying the correct amount of child maintenance for all of his children. Don’t let him weasel out of it. If you don’t need the money day to day either do what you said and put it to one side for the kids for later or spend it on having fun with them now.

I’d question if he’s truly strapped for cash though as surely if he is he would have had to hold up his hands and say he can’t afford to pay 50% of the school fees. Or maybe my idea of being short of money is different to his? (It probably is)

Don't let him weasel out of it? It's not him suggesting it.

Just a bit of projection there!

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 16:23

Don't let him weasel out of it? It's not him suggesting it.
Just a bit of projection there!

It’s a figure of speech. Chill out. And I admit to projecting slightly- I think it’s normal to when you’ve got your own experience of an ex who won’t financially support their children. I stand by what I said. Every parent should financially support their children whether they live with them full time or not. Even if I won the lottery I’d want my ex to do so on principle. He doesn’t appear to have any but I do.