Child Maintenance when not needed

[isla2009]

I split up with ex-DH when DS1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2 as I found out he cheated on me during my pregnancy. Despite the circumstances we have gone on to co-parent very well together - he was a rubbish husband at the time but I can't fault him as a dad.

I have since remarried and had DS3 - ex-DH is currently engaged to his lovely fiance - we all get on well and do things together as a big, blended modern day family.

New DH is amazing and has taken on the older boys and absolutely treats them as his own. We are now in the extremely fortunate position that he has sold his business and made quite a bit of money. He wants to set up trusts for the boys and is treating them all equally.

Ex-DH has confessed to me in the past that he is struggling a little with finances - he earns well but also had a child with OW so pays 3x maintenance. Our DC also go to private school so on top of the maintenance we were splitting school fees 50:50.

DH and I have agreed that we will tell ex-DH that he does not need to contribute to private school fees going forward. I'm not sure what to do with child maintenance payments - I'm leaning towards him still paying and putting the funds directly into a bank account for the DC for when they are older - the money is for them not me after all. DH feels bad taking money off ex-DH when we really don't need it and thinks we should tell him he doesn't need to pay that either (told you he was lovely!)

WWYD???

First time I'm using voting but if I've set it up correctly then:

YANBU - he should continue to pay maintenance

YABU - he should stop payments as you no longer need it

Remove school fees but he should still pay CM. If you don’t need it save it for the kids, but why should he absolve himself of any responsibility?

In my opinion you should reduce the fees to say 50% of now but I would want proof that he was saving some of that money in case he ever needs to step up and pay his share again (what if your current husband cheated on you and left you, you would need your ex to start paying again).

But keep the maintenance up and set up a trust for your children. Yes, a trust. Get legal advice. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

Incidently I'm in the same position as you OP, my ex cheated on me whilst I was pregnant too. Currently getting divorced. Hoping I meet some nice chap who's prepared to pay my kids' school fees as well!

@luxxlisbon
*I don't think it is a question of "not needing it" because the responsibility of the children is still split between both parents.

It seems like from your post the children might be in private school because of your new income and if you and your ex were still together on your incomes they might not necessarily stretch to private school.

Since your ex is struggling financially much more than you and your current partner I would remove the private school fees from his obligation.
Personally I would continue the child maintenance for now, the drop in private school fees should free up your ex financially and the maintenance can always be looked at again in a few months.*

Totally this, I think you may want to hand it to your DP rather than him totally take over the cost of the DC.
He can put the money aside for all the kids and not just the ones you have with your ex.

Oh his struggles are really not that bad - he is a high earner and recently bought a large house. He is also planning a wedding so I think that plus mortgage payments, child maintenance and his parents sponging off him every now and again mean cash flow can be tight some months. The kids do not suffer at all when they are with him. I would agree that if he was really struggling I would lean more towards reducing the maintenance or at least having that discussion with him

That's fair enough then OP.

@Angryandhurt

Who's idea was it for the children to go to private school? If it was your's and DH and not your ex-H then I would say letting him off school fees is fine. If it was a joint between all of you, maybe you could just reduce rather then let him off it altogether? Anyway you do it, he absolutely should continue to pay something towards his children

It was a joint decision between ex-DH and I - we were both high earners so could afford it and it was the right thing to do for our eldest who had some additional needs at the time.

The money is for the children, put it in their savings account if you don’t need it right now

I imagine if he’s a good dad he would want to pay something? Could you lower it?
Unless you are now millionaires or something of course!

@Felifox

I would agree that the school fees need not be paid but I would keep the maintenance in a separate account in case of emergencies and if it's not needed then it's savings. As your dh has set up trust funds for all 3 dcs I would split any maintenance savings between all 3.

This is something that did cross my mind! It's also a dilemma when it comes to writing our wills - DH is happy to split everything 3 ways between the three DC. However, DC1 & 2 will also inherit from their father so will end up better off in the end. So I think DC3 should have a larger split - but not sure what the fairest way to do it is - but maybe that's a discussion for another thread!

Re maintenance payments, I was thinking I would split the maintenance equally between DC1 & 2 and create another account for DC3 and put a matching amount in there - so that they all get the same amount when they are of age. Does that sound reasonable?

You all sound so nice!

@formerbabe

Where did you find your new dh? Asking for a friend

On match.com believe it or not!

@PegasusReturns

If you don’t need the money and don’t want it then don’t take it.

If he’s a good father then his financial contribution is irrelevant.

I thought I must be the only person who thought this.

@Cocomarine

Sounds like your current wealthy position is down to your second husband, not you. You’ve had one marriage fail... I’m sure you used to think XH was lovely too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m on my second marriage too, so no offence intended. But I wouldn’t make the decision to cut your XH’s input based on any wealth but my own.

Private school a bit tricky possibly - depends whose decision it was to send them.

I’d maybe have a different answer if your XH was really struggling - but you said yourself he earns well. His decision to have a third child 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d expect him to keeping paying. I wouldn’t put it into a child’s account that you couldn’t access either. Keep it in your name, just in case.

I have absolutely considered this - unfortunately I do know how easy it is for marriages to break down.

DH was actually bankrupt when I met him due to a previous failed business - he's built this current business whilst we've been together so I would imagine I would be entitled to half if we were to split (plus maintenance for DC3). The kids and I should both still be ok if this were to happen. I was also a high earner up until the end of last year and I should be able to go back to work fairly easily if I needed to in the future.

I'll have to think about whether I put the maintenance in my name or the DCs names - you raise a valid point.

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

Meh. I can’t get worked up about it. My situation is vastly different to the OP’s. I think it’s great when separated parents get along as well as the OP and her ex seem to despite the things one party (him it seems) have done in the past. Many parents never manage that but it is so much better when they can, obviously. I can’t with my ex but he is a rapist amongst other things so I feel no urge to be charitable towards him 🤷‍♀️

Back to the thread, OP like I said before I really would continue to claim the child support on the children’s behalf. I would view it solely as their money to go into their savings if you are able to do that and it seems that you are. Your children are so fortunate that they have so many people in their lives that not only love them but can put aside previous issues and get along

Thank you - I do keep telling them they're lucky to have so many people who love them and look out for them. I'd like to think that we've all done our best given the circumstances.

I'm sorry that things are difficult with your ex and given your circumstances I don't blame you for not being charitable! I have many friends in similar situations - blended families/co-parenting only really works if everyone does what's best for the child - unfortunately this doesn't work if one of the parents puts their own needs first (be that the mother or the father!). I'm sure if he was with the OW still we wouldn't be quite so friendly! Luckily his new fiance is lovely and treats my DC well so I am grateful for her too, moreso reading some of the threads on here!

This is something that did cross my mind! It's also a dilemma when it comes to writing our wills - DH is happy to split everything 3 ways between the three DC. However, DC1 & 2 will also inherit from their father so will end up better off in the end. So I think DC3 should have a larger split - but not sure what the fairest way to do it is - but maybe that's a discussion for another thread!

Obviously one to think of, but I'm in a similar-ish position. There are 6 kids between us - DS1 is DH's, DD's 1 and 2 are mine and then we have 3 younger ones. We have a complicated array of grandparents and DS1 has already inherited to an extent because his Mummy died when he was a toddler. After going through 500 permutations we decided that we would treat all 6 the same between us. We ignored everything else that could happen, because nothing is guaranteed with care home fees, marriages and divorces, and focussed only on us and what we would do. We've always treated them the same so we're doing the same. The only difference is that we'll set up our youngest in a different way with financial access as they will need lifelong care.

I'll have to think about whether I put the maintenance in my name or the DCs names - you raise a valid point.

I would keep it in your name. Life can change on a pin, as you know. If all is well until they are 18/21 then you can just hand it over, but if you need it then it being inaccessible isn't good. I know someone who ended up in a financially abusive relationship. When it turned violent she was in the situation where her bank account had less than £5 in it, she'd been isolated from all her family and friends and she ended up being given £10 by a complete stranger. Waiting on benefits to be set up she had to borrow money and use a food bank. The whole time her DC had 3k in the bank that she couldn't access.

"DH is happy to split everything 3 ways between the three DC. However, DC1 & 2 will also inherit from their father so will end up better off in the end. So I think DC3 should have a larger split - but not sure what the fairest way to do it is - but maybe that's a discussion for another thread!"

One way to do it;
Split marital assets 50/50
DH's half goes to his child (DC3)
Your half split equally between your children
That means DC1 & DC2 would get 17% each and DC3 would get 67%

However, that is a very unequal split, and could cause issues between them, plus given that your DH wants to split equally, I doubt he'd be comfortable with that. Another way would be to distribute his half differently so that DC3 gets 25% and your oldest two get 12.5% each, that would mean the oldest two getting 29.5% in total and DC3 getting 42%.

Are you sure that your ex will provide for each of his children equally in his will? What if he and/or his wife spent it all before they die?

@Noconceptofnormal

In my opinion you should reduce the fees to say 50% of now but I would want proof that he was saving some of that money in case he ever needs to step up and pay his share again (what if your current husband cheated on you and left you, you would need your ex to start paying again).

But keep the maintenance up and set up a trust for your children. Yes, a trust. Get legal advice. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

Incidently I'm in the same position as you OP, my ex cheated on me whilst I was pregnant too. Currently getting divorced. Hoping I meet some nice chap who's prepared to pay my kids' school fees as well!

Wishing you all the best noconcept . Stay strong and surround yourself with friends/family who will love and support you. You will be so much better off in the long-run and he will regret it like mine did but by then it will be too late. Get yourself on match.com when you're ready

@lyralalala

This is something that did cross my mind! It's also a dilemma when it comes to writing our wills - DH is happy to split everything 3 ways between the three DC. However, DC1 & 2 will also inherit from their father so will end up better off in the end. So I think DC3 should have a larger split - but not sure what the fairest way to do it is - but maybe that's a discussion for another thread!

Obviously one to think of, but I'm in a similar-ish position. There are 6 kids between us - DS1 is DH's, DD's 1 and 2 are mine and then we have 3 younger ones. We have a complicated array of grandparents and DS1 has already inherited to an extent because his Mummy died when he was a toddler. After going through 500 permutations we decided that we would treat all 6 the same between us. We ignored everything else that could happen, because nothing is guaranteed with care home fees, marriages and divorces, and focussed only on us and what we would do. We've always treated them the same so we're doing the same. The only difference is that we'll set up our youngest in a different way with financial access as they will need lifelong care.

I'll have to think about whether I put the maintenance in my name or the DCs names - you raise a valid point.

I would keep it in your name. Life can change on a pin, as you know. If all is well until they are 18/21 then you can just hand it over, but if you need it then it being inaccessible isn't good. I know someone who ended up in a financially abusive relationship. When it turned violent she was in the situation where her bank account had less than £5 in it, she'd been isolated from all her family and friends and she ended up being given £10 by a complete stranger. Waiting on benefits to be set up she had to borrow money and use a food bank. The whole time her DC had 3k in the bank that she couldn't access.

We've done with same with our will. DH was keen for anything to be split equally between the boys even though biologically DS1 isn't his. We considered the fact DS has his own dad, but it's unlikely there will be much inheritance there - no property currently and doubtful that'll change plus there's more children for everything to be split amongst. It might cause upset, but we feel it's more likely to be upsetting if DS2 inherits far more than his brother.

Putting it bluntly, he couldn't keep his dick in his pants and his actions have consequences however well it has all turned out. Of course he should continue to pay maintenance. The school fees are negligible, but the maintenence isn't, whatever you choose to do with it. Does your DH have a single brother??

@lyralalala

This is something that did cross my mind! It's also a dilemma when it comes to writing our wills - DH is happy to split everything 3 ways between the three DC. However, DC1 & 2 will also inherit from their father so will end up better off in the end. So I think DC3 should have a larger split - but not sure what the fairest way to do it is - but maybe that's a discussion for another thread!

Obviously one to think of, but I'm in a similar-ish position. There are 6 kids between us - DS1 is DH's, DD's 1 and 2 are mine and then we have 3 younger ones. We have a complicated array of grandparents and DS1 has already inherited to an extent because his Mummy died when he was a toddler. After going through 500 permutations we decided that we would treat all 6 the same between us. We ignored everything else that could happen, because nothing is guaranteed with care home fees, marriages and divorces, and focussed only on us and what we would do. We've always treated them the same so we're doing the same. The only difference is that we'll set up our youngest in a different way with financial access as they will need lifelong care.

I'll have to think about whether I put the maintenance in my name or the DCs names - you raise a valid point.

I would keep it in your name. Life can change on a pin, as you know. If all is well until they are 18/21 then you can just hand it over, but if you need it then it being inaccessible isn't good. I know someone who ended up in a financially abusive relationship. When it turned violent she was in the situation where her bank account had less than £5 in it, she'd been isolated from all her family and friends and she ended up being given £10 by a complete stranger. Waiting on benefits to be set up she had to borrow money and use a food bank. The whole time her DC had 3k in the bank that she couldn't access.

Thank you lyralalala. That's actually really helpful. I have also been pondering various permutations and actually I think you're right - nothing is guaranteed so maybe we should just focus on our family unit. Will discuss with DH.

That's also a sobering story re your friend and not something I would necessarily have considered before - thank you for sharing.

@Justcallmebebes

Putting it bluntly, he couldn't keep his dick in his pants and his actions have consequences however well it has all turned out. Of course he should continue to pay maintenance. The school fees are negligible, but the maintenence isn't, whatever you choose to do with it. Does your DH have a single brother??

That made me laugh - you're absolutely right bebes

Unfortunately he doesn't have a brother. I know I've made him sound amazing on here (he is - kindest and most generous man I know!) but he is also a messy b*stard and he snores like a trooper so he's not all perfect! But I guess I can now afford a cleaner and maybe a bigger house where we can have separate bedrooms

Who made the decision for them to go to private school? I think he should contribute to the maintenance but not the private school fees.

Thank you lyralalala. That's actually really helpful. I have also been pondering various permutations and actually I think you're right - nothing is guaranteed so maybe we should just focus on our family unit. Will discuss with DH.

It's something we went over and over for ages. The important thing for me was that DS1 knows, and knew in the event of my death, that I consider him my son and love him the same as the others. DH is the same with the girls so since we do "this is our rules in our house" we decided to stick with that. We went down the road of surviving partner getting a life interest, but then our halves go to the kids as a protection thing against remarriage or the likes.

That's also a sobering story re your friend and not something I would necessarily have considered before - thank you for sharing.

It wasn't something I thought of until she told it. I always stuck any spare cash in the kids accounts until I met her.

He should continue to pay what he is paying regardless. Situations change and you are only looking at the here and now.

He should pay. They are yours and his kids you both raise them.