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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child Maintenance when not needed

99 replies

isla2009 · 29/01/2021 13:19

I split up with ex-DH when DS1 was 2 and I was pregnant with DS2 as I found out he cheated on me during my pregnancy. Despite the circumstances we have gone on to co-parent very well together - he was a rubbish husband at the time but I can't fault him as a dad.

I have since remarried and had DS3 - ex-DH is currently engaged to his lovely fiance - we all get on well and do things together as a big, blended modern day family.

New DH is amazing and has taken on the older boys and absolutely treats them as his own. We are now in the extremely fortunate position that he has sold his business and made quite a bit of money. He wants to set up trusts for the boys and is treating them all equally.

Ex-DH has confessed to me in the past that he is struggling a little with finances - he earns well but also had a child with OW so pays 3x maintenance. Our DC also go to private school so on top of the maintenance we were splitting school fees 50:50.

DH and I have agreed that we will tell ex-DH that he does not need to contribute to private school fees going forward. I'm not sure what to do with child maintenance payments - I'm leaning towards him still paying and putting the funds directly into a bank account for the DC for when they are older - the money is for them not me after all. DH feels bad taking money off ex-DH when we really don't need it and thinks we should tell him he doesn't need to pay that either (told you he was lovely!)

WWYD???

First time I'm using voting but if I've set it up correctly then:

YANBU - he should continue to pay maintenance

YABU - he should stop payments as you no longer need it

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 29/01/2021 16:25

The children's father should definitely be allowed to keep his place in making some provision for his children - save it for them for when they are older - they can use it for driving lessons etc circumstances change and children need more as they get older and the things also tend to get more expensive

Tarantallegra · 29/01/2021 16:25

Agree with the majority that you should drop the school fees but not the maintenance, to be honest offering to stop maintenance might be embarrassing for him and I imagine the school fees will be more than enough to help him through his financial worries. Putting the money to one side is a good idea, you never know when you might need it and if not you can use it to help with a big cost for them - car, uni, house deposit, whatever. Dad probably feel proud to have contributed to that if he's a good father.

Bollss · 29/01/2021 16:26

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

*Don't let him weasel out of it? It's not him suggesting it. Just a bit of projection there!*

It’s a figure of speech. Chill out. And I admit to projecting slightly- I think it’s normal to when you’ve got your own experience of an ex who won’t financially support their children. I stand by what I said. Every parent should financially support their children whether they live with them full time or not. Even if I won the lottery I’d want my ex to do so on principle. He doesn’t appear to have any but I do.

It's really not a figure of speech is it. Would you like to be described in that way? I doubt it.

I don't think it's normal to assume every man is like your ex and ignore the actual info you've been given, to be honest.

Good for you, but if your ex was struggling and you'd literally won the lottery I'd think you were very selfish indeed.

AndcalloffChristmas · 29/01/2021 16:27

He needs to pay. Put it in trust for the children if it’s not needed now.

If nothing else, he needs to know that children cost money!

Brighterthansunflowers · 29/01/2021 16:28

It’s not about your need. It’s about him not being a deadbeat dad who doesn’t support his kids.

RottenTonic · 29/01/2021 16:29

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

*Don't let him weasel out of it? It's not him suggesting it. Just a bit of projection there!*

It’s a figure of speech. Chill out. And I admit to projecting slightly- I think it’s normal to when you’ve got your own experience of an ex who won’t financially support their children. I stand by what I said. Every parent should financially support their children whether they live with them full time or not. Even if I won the lottery I’d want my ex to do so on principle. He doesn’t appear to have any but I do.

I really don't agree with your lottery example tbh. A contribution yes, but if like in this case your ex was struggling financially and you'd won the lottery I'd be questioning whether it was your child you were thinking about or just point scoring with your ex on 'principal'.

Again, surely one of the main things is that your child, you know the one the money is actually for, has a good quality of life across both households?

It would be detrimental to your child to go from a struggling household with their Dad to their lottery winner home with you wouldn't it? Why would you want to intentionally worsen your child's quality of life with one parent unnecessarily for the sake of principal?

LindaEllen · 29/01/2021 16:29

If you don't need it right now, definitely put it in a savings account for the kids. That could be so beneficial for them when they're older. Also it's not very fair on your DH to be paying when their dad isn't.

formerbabe · 29/01/2021 16:30

Where did you find your new dh? Asking for a friend Wink

RottenTonic · 29/01/2021 16:31

Don't get me wrong I think the NRP contributing is important and I'm not saying they shouldn't. I just think a look at individual circumstances is sometimes needed rather than a blanket 'nope, he should always pay no matter what even if I won the lottery and he was on his arse'.

Cocomarine · 29/01/2021 16:32

Sounds like your current wealthy position is down to your second husband, not you.
You’ve had one marriage fail... I’m sure you used to think XH was lovely too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m on my second marriage too, so no offence intended. But I wouldn’t make the decision to cut your XH’s input based on any wealth but my own.

Private school a bit tricky possibly - depends whose decision it was to send them.

I’d maybe have a different answer if your XH was really struggling - but you said yourself he earns well. His decision to have a third child 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d expect him to keeping paying. I wouldn’t put it into a child’s account that you couldn’t access either. Keep it in your name, just in case.

anditgoeson · 29/01/2021 16:33

He might want to contribute to his DC. He may feel a little demasculated by the success of your partner and be hurt. You can save the money for the kids for when they are older.

needadvice54321 · 29/01/2021 16:34

I'd save the money. I don't get loads of maintenance money for DS, and am now in a position to not need that money as such but ex doesn't know that so the money goes into an account specifically for that and I'm saving it up. DS is almost an adult so he'll get the money to go towards a house deposit or something

Scbchl · 29/01/2021 16:34

I'd stop the school fees and also reduce the maintenance payment and put it into bank accounts for when kids are older for house deposit, uni fees, car or whatever.

anditgoeson · 29/01/2021 16:35

I should have said if you put it to him like that. I can see that you mean well but money and kids are very touchy subjects if handled insensitivity.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 16:35

Meh. I can’t get worked up about it. My situation is vastly different to the OP’s. I think it’s great when separated parents get along as well as the OP and her ex seem to despite the things one party (him it seems) have done in the past. Many parents never manage that but it is so much better when they can, obviously. I can’t with my ex but he is a rapist amongst other things so I feel no urge to be charitable towards him 🤷‍♀️

Back to the thread, OP like I said before I really would continue to claim the child support on the children’s behalf. I would view it solely as their money to go into their savings if you are able to do that and it seems that you are. Your children are so fortunate that they have so many people in their lives that not only love them but can put aside previous issues and get along Smile

Bollss · 29/01/2021 16:37

@TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag

Meh. I can’t get worked up about it. My situation is vastly different to the OP’s. I think it’s great when separated parents get along as well as the OP and her ex seem to despite the things one party (him it seems) have done in the past. Many parents never manage that but it is so much better when they can, obviously. I can’t with my ex but he is a rapist amongst other things so I feel no urge to be charitable towards him 🤷‍♀️

Back to the thread, OP like I said before I really would continue to claim the child support on the children’s behalf. I would view it solely as their money to go into their savings if you are able to do that and it seems that you are. Your children are so fortunate that they have so many people in their lives that not only love them but can put aside previous issues and get along Smile

You can't get worked up about it because you understandably have your own issues but please don't tar everyone with the same brush.
Watchingbehindmyhands · 29/01/2021 16:38

I agree with taking over the school fees in your current situation but your ex needs to make a contribution. You also need to be aware that you have no idea what is round the corner and if you may find yourself in financial dire straits at any point in the future. You are helping by cancelling the school fees. Take maintenance and just save it. If you ever need it, you have it. Saves the proverbial rainy day. If you never need it, give it to your children at a point in the future when they need it - you make it clear it’s maintenance you never used and as such, is a joint give from both parents.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 16:40

In fairness @RottenTonic my ex has checked out parenting lately anyway. Like completely. And probably if he wasn’t what he is I’d have a different view point. I do believe that the money is the children’s. When my ex did pay, the money went on the children’s direct needs (food, clothing, keeping a roof over their heads) but if I didn’t need it for that it would do into their savings accounts. Because it’s theirs. If we split the time with the children 50/50 and were both in the same boat financially it wouldn’t make sense for either parent to pay child support in my opinion. The lottery scenario would probably mean I’d pay him some form of child support. You know, if he wasn’t a cunt.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 16:43

I’m really not tarring everyone with the same brush @TrustTheGeneGenie I know that all absent fathers are not like that, I know many who aren’t perfect (who is?) but who aren’t abusers. I just feel really strongly about child support.

HighSpecWhistle · 29/01/2021 16:43

Given no one knows the future, you should continue receiving it. It's the boys money not yours and also what if DH left you or something unexpected happened and you lost lots of money? He had the kids with you, he should pay for them.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 29/01/2021 16:45

I wouldn't be as generous as everyone here. I'd suggest halving the school fees he pays first but keeping the maintenance. If he is still struggling after a year and you are willing to then you can revisit it.

Regardless of his life choices he has helped create your older DS's and its not your DH's responsibility to totally fund them and their education even if he is willing.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 29/01/2021 16:46

@HighSpecWhistle

Given no one knows the future, you should continue receiving it. It's the boys money not yours and also what if DH left you or something unexpected happened and you lost lots of money? He had the kids with you, he should pay for them.
I wish I’d just said this! Agree totally! Hopefully OP you and your current husband will stay together forever and your children will have a decent sum of money to spend on whatever when they’re grown up Smile
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 29/01/2021 16:47

Was sending them to Private school something EX DH wanted or did you push for it?

Maintenance he needs to keep paying, as you say, you can save it for the kids for Uni/car/house deposit.

It's lovely that you all get on, but you have no idea what will happen in the future. Your Ex had the kids with you, they're his responsibility. Your DH sounds incredibly lovely, but you Know 'shit happens' & there are no guarantees in life.. his on going support us not guaranteed. Then you'd be screwed.

Any of us is one accident away from a life changing event

Your Ex should have thought about his responsibilities before he started screwing the OW & making more babies & now he's with yet another woman. That's HIS choice, the kids are still HIS responsibility.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/01/2021 16:49

@grannyinapram
are you mad? keep him paying everything! absolutely not fair for new dh to pay for old dhs children. keep the extra money for the kids give it to charity, burn it for all I care. its the principal
Surely the principle should be for the support and benefit of the kids and not as some sort of rabid punishment.

Original poster
isla2009 · 29/01/2021 16:49

@RottenTonic

You won’t get much agreement with that on here though

No I imagine not! But it is something that is always said on maintenance threads, that it is to maintain a child's standard of living across both houses. I don't see why it shouldn't also apply the other way round personally.

But I don't know how bad these struggles are that your ex-DH is facing so it's hard to say.

Oh his struggles are really not that bad - he is a high earner and recently bought a large house. He is also planning a wedding so I think that plus mortgage payments, child maintenance and his parents sponging off him every now and again mean cash flow can be tight some months. The kids do not suffer at all when they are with him. I would agree that if he was really struggling I would lean more towards reducing the maintenance or at least having that discussion with him.
OP posts: