To think my manager should have checked I'm coping OK at some point in the past year (wfh and homeschooling)?

[Chillihat]

I work in a small team of 5. I am the only one with school-aged children, who are 8 and 10. The whole team has been wfh since last March but I am the only one with any caring responsibilities and having to homeschool (including a SEN DC).

I have been so stressed and anxious for the past year, as have many of us. However, a large part of this is because I am a really hard worker and have really strived not to let homeschooling affect my work output so have been working long hours to get everything done.

Two of my colleagues are really lazy and basically do as little as they can get away with. My manager is aware of this and sometimes gives them a vague "encouragement" to do more but they improve for a bit and then go back to their old ways. We all have the same role in the team so them not doing much means the rest of us have more to do.

AIBU to think that my manager should have contacted me at least once to check how I'm coping over the past year? There has been no acknowledgement of me having to work twice as hard while homeschooling or any reduction in my workload. It feels like she just doesn't care as long as the work gets done, which it does but I feel like I am going to burn out soon and am starting to feeling so angry at how unfair this is. I think I could cope with it so much better if my manager just showed that she cared. Instead she just delegates more work to me because I am efficient and have high standards.

I am wondering if IABU to expect her to at least check I'm OK? Or if it's my responsibility to tell her how hard I am finding things? We have weekly team calls where I have mentioned things like the stress of homeschooling (and often get interrupted on the call to help out with maths!) so I can't believe she would be unaware, I just think she doesn't care about my well-being.

The official company solution if you can't do your job while homeschooling is to take leave but that feels like a massive step and I don't think it would reflect well on me in future.

It is difficult to gauge what you actually want. You have already said your company's line would be that if you are struggling to take some leave but you don't want to do that. Maybe you should do it? Take a week, re -energise, clear your head, do some fun stuff with the kids and then start work again with a more positive outlook however, you could realistically only do this if you could afford it.

I would reach out to the manager yourself and say you either need a reduced workload for a week or so as you are struggling or no extra work on top if your normal work. Some managers are great at checking in, others aren't and as you are the one that is struggling I think the onus is on you to do something about it.

It is an unfair situation but not exactly works fault that you are having to homeschool too. They don't have to delegate you extra work though and that is something you need to raise.

Don’t you have regular 1:1s with your manager?

And while yes they should ask, you’re a grown up and should speak up if you’re struggling and ask for help! Though if their suggestion is to take leave and you don’t want to I’m not sure what else you want them to do other than acknowledge it’s an issue? Do you have suggestions you can make (to them, you don’t need to go into details on here if you don’t want to) to make it easier to manage?

No I don't have regular 1 to 1s with my manager. We have a team meeting twice a week to discuss work stuff.

I would have wanted my manager to contact me herself to ask how things are going and if I'm OK, as she is well aware how hard things are for people having to work and homeschool. I'm not struggling so much I need to take time off work (and worry that would be used against me e.g. in any future redundancy situation) but I suppose I feel that the extra work I am doing is unacknowledged and unappreciated. I would also like her to manage the poor performers in our team properly but she seems happy for me to pick up the slack instead because that makes her job easier.

If I were a manager and knew that a member of my team was working really hard (and to a high standard) in addition to homeschooling I would have made sure to at least ask them periodically how they are doing. I would never even considering giving them extra work to make up for the poor performers.

I suppose it just feels really uncaring that she hasn't bothered to ask if I'm OK. There are only 5 of us in the team, its not as if she's managing 100s of staff.

I have raised the issue of the poor performers before and was told it was not my job to manage other people's work, so I don't feel that I can even raise the topic of the uneven workload.

Your manager may well be taking the view that as you haven't raised it as a specific issue, and you get your work down, and you do extra work, then it's not for them to worry about.

Time for a 1:1, and set out your concerns about the workload. But before you have the meeting, decide what you want out of it: some holidays? Unpaid leave (eg 1 week's Parental Leave would come under that)? Or just 'no extra work'? Your manager is bound to ask.

*down = done

If you present as someone who is getting the work done and come across well in team meetings it probably hasn't crossed their mind you need this support. Perhaps email and ask that after the next team meeting could you both stay on the line after for a quick discussion or suggest an alternative time where you can have a quick catch up chat. As the PP says know what you want to achieve before talking though.

I feel for you OP. I work for a large international company and my line manager and the rest of my team are all based in the US. I’m the only U.K. person in this reporting line though there is a big U.K. presence generally.

I was signed off for 6 weeks with stress at the start of the first lockdown and have been very up and down since then. My boss never asks how I’m doing or gives any concession to our current position in the U.K. I just try and juggle things as best I can and if that means I don’t log on until mid morning or take a break for a walk in the fresh air mid afternoon then that’s what I need to do to keep going.

I have to say I'm really surprised that most people seem to think IABU to expect my manager to check in with me at least once during the past year. Isn't that part of a manager's role?

I have raised before the amount of (unpaid) overtime I have done this year and my manager's response was to say that it wasn't that much overtime...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year. That is in addition to homeschooling. No one else in the team works overtime.

I don't feel I can raise the issue of uneven workload because essentially it means I am criticising my colleagues.

I agree. I know what you're asking will sound vague to some people, but I think it's the mark of a decent manager to be aware of some very obvious things - such as the fact you have children to homeschool now - and to check in. I'm having similar at work, I was signed off for a bit at the end of last year with stress and am slightly unreasonable quite pissed off that neither of my managers have thought to drop even a casual email asking how I am with moving straight from being signed off to working and homeschooling.

I'm not amazing by an stretch of the imagination, but I do make a point of asking the people I line manage how they are doing in their circumstances.

I wonder if it is related to the type of work. I am a public sector middle manager and have a similar sized team. I have formal 1:1 meetings monthly, but check in with my team at least weekly as individuals. We've also worked really hard to ensure staff with caring responsibilities are able to work as much as they can, but without exhausting themselves. I think that's good management.

Yanbu.
Mine does. She calls every week just to check in. Our HR team also spoke to everyone individually last year to check what we were juggling.

I would raise this with your manager and clearly explain the pressure you are under - consider following up by email too.
It is all to easy for managers to rely on efficient workers just to get things done. Working extra long hours to keep up with work is possibly disguising how challenging things are too (not a criticism of you). Flexible/part time furlough for child
care reasons is possible now (if agreed by employer) and may be worth asking about.

Are you saying that in a year your manager has literally never said "how are you getting on?" Or "how are things going?".
Seems pretty unlikely to me.

Usual lack of compassion here on Mumsnet

As a senior manager my DH is expected to call every member of his team on a regular basis just to check they are ok..He even had a call from the CEO, his own boss, at the beginning of this lockdown to check that he was ok. Funnily enough my DH has pretty low staff turnover for his team.

Some workplaces clearly have a better duty of care than others.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all.

We’ve had this discussion at work recently. I’m senior management and have kept in touch with clients throughout but until a younger team mentioned it would be nice to check in with management it hadn’t crossed my mind but it really did make sense. I don’t want my best staff to feel unconnected and in turn look to move jobs.

I’m speaking for my own company here but we have been very focused on getting projects and fees that we have somewhat neglected staff and assumed they’d check in with us if they were overwhelmed. Now we are nearly one year in, we need to be better.

I have raised before the amount of (unpaid) overtime I have done this year and my manager's response was to say that it wasn't that much overtime...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year. That is in addition to home-schooling. No one else in the team works overtime.

The simple solution is to stop doing it, surely? You're being a bit of a martyr. If you are struggling to cope whilst also going way over & above what you're paid to do then just...stop.

Give a normal, non-stressful level of output. I bet once your output lowers the manager will check in. And that's your cue to say that you had been exhausting yourself trying to meet unrealistic standards for no appreciation. So, you will now be working efficiently, with the same high standards but no more unpaid overtime or tasks over & above your paygrade. If the work is piling up, you suggest she starts asking the other team members to pull their weight.

Your literally causing your own stress here. Stop it.

You’re not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I despair when I read threads like this and see how badly some organisations treat employees so poorly. Not all employers are like this.

At the very least you should be having regular 1:1s what happens if you want to escalate and issue or discuss development?

Ideally a manager would check in, but equally you are a grown up and can request a 1:1 if you feel it is necessary. I am also not clear what outcome you are looking for?

My company has been really good, I have a catch up with my manager every 2 weeks and HR send out regular checkin emails just to see how we are doing. Any decent manager should be actively checking on on people on a 1-1 basis.

One thing to say is that it is allowable to furlough staff if they have childcare difficulties - is this available to you as opposed to using up annual leave?

They should be checking in with you. It’s not so much the home schooling though of course that’s very stressful it’s more that you are working flat out to do more than 100% of your work while others are doing less.

Take a step back and do what is reasonable share of the load. What happens if you do basic hours and no extra? Will your boss be the first to get in touch or will they be sharing out the load between everyone? I couldn’t be busting a gut with kids while other with none are not pulling their weight. Sadly unless you put yourself first other people will always be willing to take advantage.

I’ve said yabu- but that’s because you’re working too hard. Stop with the overtime, stop doing extra work you are facilitating your colleagues poor performance.
Of course a manager should check in with you, but they haven’t so as pp’s have said request a meeting with your manager and tell them you are overwhelmed doing the overtime and you don’t even need to mention your colleagues.
Work to rule, your making everyone (including your manager) lives much easier but your own.

I think your manager should have asked you if you were ok and how WFH was going for you over the past year. In a well functioning company I think that would happen. At my workplace I’ve been asked several times and I appreciate it.

Seeing as this hasn’t happened for you and it sounds like your extra work is being taken for granted I think you should consider making some changes. You could speak to your manager about how you’re feeling and say you can’t keep up the same level of work. Or you could start decreasing how much you do and only work for the amount of time you’re paid for. If you’re asked about it, then explain your situation. I know it isn’t an easy thing to do when you’re a hard worker but eventually something has got to give and it shouldn’t be your wellbeing.

I don't think you're necessarily bu to expect a manager to understand that managing people is about more that outcomes and this checking in with EVERYONE on the team on the last year would be expected.

But yabu to do the "well if she doesn't ask me I'm not telling, I'll just struggle until I'm ill and can't work and then she'll be sorry!". She won't
She'll find someone else to do your work.

If you're struggling, pull on your big Mom pants and tell her or someone above her of she's unapproachable.

I understand where you're coming from OP but, ime, this isn't how most organisations in the UK work. If your manager doesn't check on any of the other staff, why should she check on you, just because you're choosing to take more on? And why are you picking up the slack from lazy colleagues? You're never going to be thanked for it, let alone paid more or even get recognition. Agree annual objectives with your manager, break these down into monthly targets and work to achieve these.

If you're not coping, think about what might help, then contact your manager to explain the issue and make a proposal about what might help. Longer term, I would probably look for another job - although I suspect you will face similar problems everywhere.

Absolutely agree with other PPs.
Stop doing the unpaid overtime.
Work have got the impression that you are superhuman in that you can do all of this work in your contracted hours. You can't and haven't been doing. Let the others do their job, and you do yours, in your contracted hours only. You've worked 5 weeks for free this year? Um, why?
That might sound a bit harsh, sorry if it does. You are doing an amazing thing working and homeschooling, but please stop doing free overtime!