To think my manager should have checked I'm coping OK at some point in the past year (wfh and homeschooling)?

[Chillihat]

I work in a small team of 5. I am the only one with school-aged children, who are 8 and 10. The whole team has been wfh since last March but I am the only one with any caring responsibilities and having to homeschool (including a SEN DC).

I have been so stressed and anxious for the past year, as have many of us. However, a large part of this is because I am a really hard worker and have really strived not to let homeschooling affect my work output so have been working long hours to get everything done.

Two of my colleagues are really lazy and basically do as little as they can get away with. My manager is aware of this and sometimes gives them a vague "encouragement" to do more but they improve for a bit and then go back to their old ways. We all have the same role in the team so them not doing much means the rest of us have more to do.

AIBU to think that my manager should have contacted me at least once to check how I'm coping over the past year? There has been no acknowledgement of me having to work twice as hard while homeschooling or any reduction in my workload. It feels like she just doesn't care as long as the work gets done, which it does but I feel like I am going to burn out soon and am starting to feeling so angry at how unfair this is. I think I could cope with it so much better if my manager just showed that she cared. Instead she just delegates more work to me because I am efficient and have high standards.

I am wondering if IABU to expect her to at least check I'm OK? Or if it's my responsibility to tell her how hard I am finding things? We have weekly team calls where I have mentioned things like the stress of homeschooling (and often get interrupted on the call to help out with maths!) so I can't believe she would be unaware, I just think she doesn't care about my well-being.

The official company solution if you can't do your job while homeschooling is to take leave but that feels like a massive step and I don't think it would reflect well on me in future.

Thank you for the input on solutions on my workload, this struck a chord with me from @Akire "Sadly unless you put yourself first other people will always be willing to take advantage." I think I had been trying too hard to be a good employee and not let homeschooling affect my performance. I do need to put myself first more and will just start saying that I don't have time when I'm asked to do more than my fair share.

I'm still really shocked though that currently 70% of people think IABU to expect my manager to check in with me at least once in the past year, especially considering the circumstances!

@VanGoghsDog however unbelievable it may be to you, I can assure you that she has not asked how I'm doing even once in the last 12 months. We don't have any regular 1 to 1s and our team calls would not be an appropriate place to discuss this. Even just a one line email would have meant something.

You are choosing to work all that extra overtime......don't do it then you won't resent it ..
I am not a fan of work martyrs....don't moan about colleagues but do the work for them for free!! That's not good
I work hard bug in font work for free..
Yes its crap your manager hasn't contacted you for a 1;1 and its pretty poor if its not company policy....I've never worked for an organisation that didn't have some standards around that..
Both private and public sector....
However why don't you arrange them..stick in a recurring meeting 30mins a month or something

If it doesn't then happen you can complain hr/look for a new job

@Thurlow that's awful, surely they have a duty of care when you have been signed off with stress to check that you're coping OK with returning to work? They should have set up regular meetings with you.

My DSis is a manager of a team of 15 and she checks in with each of them at least once a month. She genuinely cares about her team and does everything she can to support them, so I suppose I'm making the unflattering comparison with my manager who doesn't seem to care how I'm feeling or coping as long as it means less work for her. It just feels mean. Its definitely not how I would treat my team.

I will definitely take on board the comments that I have become a work martyr. I think, as uncomfortable as it is to accept that label, it's probably fairly accurate.

Apparently we were supposed to have had a welfare call during the first lockdown. My manager told me they didn’t have time to do one. And tbh with the way things are currently panning out, I suspect that there were only two of our small team who didn’t get them!

I’m just about to return to work after 6 months sick leave arising from stress. Before I went off, I was putting everyone else’s needs before mine (eg I was told by my doctor to be signed off a couple of months before I was, but there were big projects due and I didn’t want to be a problem).

Here are my views fwiw:

• have a one on one call with your Lm, and follow up on writing about what you can / cannot do
• try to make some time for yourself. It can be so easy to just sort everything for everyone else, but you really need to care for yourself
• if you do feel unwell, talk to your GP. In retrospect, there were so many warning signs that I missed / ignored and it took me months and a lot of therapy to realise how ill I was. I had things like insomnia, constant stress headaches, declining cognitive function, memory loss, hair loss, I was really anti social (though harder to spot in a lockdown) and had just lost joy in everything. Better to deal with problems early than let them fester

I have to agree with your LM that the two lazy people aren’t yours to manage. It is frustrating when you have slackers in the team, and you end up picking up the slack, but if you make it clear that you won’t go beyond what your are capable of doing, and that you won’t pick up their work, it might give the LM more incentive to light a fire under their butts.

This is a really really crappy situation. For mother’s in particular, we’re having to just deal with so much more, there’s the constant worry about how it’s going to impact our job / career projection, with no end in sight. You would hope that people would acknowledge it but nope.

A good manager should check in, absolutely.
Yours didn't. Morning you can do about that.
It's therefore your responsibility to raise it.

A good manager should look out for poor performers and not give extra work to better people.
Yours didn't.
What you can do about that is refuse the extra work.

A good manager should recognise additional work and overtime.
Yours didn't
What you can do about that is stop doing the overtime.

I think this is why you've had some negative votes.

You are focusing on what other people should do to improve your situation.

You need to stop ignoring this and take responsibility for sorting out the bits that you CAN control and let go of the things you can't.

You need to be less efficient and if given extra work say that you would love to help but have more than enough to do.

It is standard that people take the piss if you are efficient.

I have a team of 20, I do monthly formal 121's but speak to them all as hoc throughout the week.

They have a mixture of circumstances, some homeschooling some not. I definitely wouldn't say the home schoolers are working harder, bit of a leap to assume that. Some are, some aren't. I'm being as flexible as needed, split shifts etc. The work needs to be done, we all want jobs to go back to.

I have actually reduced contact slightly. Some of my team felt every challenge of lockdown was a problem for me to solve.

I'm exhausted with the demands, but have applied for an alternative role away from people management. Burnout for me too.

They should be checking in just to see if you’re ok. But also stop being the efficient one

It sounds like she doesn't give a shit, as long as the work gets done
As your manager, she should absolutely be checking in with you.

Honestly? In a business sense, it’s not her problem. You are getting the work done. That’s what you being are paid for, so that is what she is concerned about.
You aren’t being paid for homeschooling, it’s nothing to do with your job.

If you are struggling, you need to say something. Say no to the new project, ask for it to be given to someone else. Stop doing the overtime.

Stop killing yourself for a job that would replace you in a second. It’s a dangerous road to go down mistaking your boss for your friend.
Yes, some managers care. But bottom line if they are there to make sure you are getting the job done. Nothing else.

It would of course be nice if she acknowledged it and checked in with you.

But the thing that comes across from your post OP is your apparent inability to advocate for yourself. If you are burning out then take the initiative, book an appointment with your manager with some suggestions as to how tasks should be shared out better.

It doesn’t seem like you need to take a break as you’ve coped thus far, but you need to stop overworking. Do some book on yourself around boundaries, assertiveness and perfection.

You obviously do a great job at home and work. But don’t be a martyr.

@Chillihat

I have to say I'm really surprised that most people seem to think IABU to expect my manager to check in with me at least once during the past year. Isn't that part of a manager's role?

I have raised before the amount of (unpaid) overtime I have done this year and my manager's response was to say that it wasn't that much overtime...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year. That is in addition to homeschooling. No one else in the team works overtime.

I don't feel I can raise the issue of uneven workload because essentially it means I am criticising my colleagues.

It's shit line management. I have people work under me and check on them all the time. The head of my department - who knows I had health issues even before the pandemic - has totally ignored me and failed to properly respond to my cry for help in the summer. So you have my very sympathy.

I voted YABU because your manager is shit, but in a way you’ve made this situation and are continuing to make it worse. You martyring yourself like this is just making her life easier, and there is no reason for her to change things because you are doing all the work for the team. Ideally she would be a great manager who changed things, but you have made it so that the easiest thing for her to do is maintain the status quo. Maybe she doesn’t want to know how you’re doing because she knows it’s not great for you but it’s working out fine for her!

Communicate like an adult with her.

Sometime you need to flag it up with managers, if you don't say anything then how can the know. But on the other hand, remote working makes it difficult as well.

My manager is not even in the same country as me now. We all used to be in the same office but a re-org later we are scattered . I didn't say anything about the stress for a while and then blew up (just as well I was at home). She then realised that a weekly personal catch up would be a good idea.

My DH has always done 1:1 with his team but his line of business is different and it's more common.

Stop doing the over time

Some managers unfortunately aren't 'people people' and have no idea how to even approach the subject of wellbeing or sometimes just simply don't think about it. You're a Hugh performer and get stuff done, she's happy so won't think twice about offering you support. In my experience, people like this need a direct discussion about it. I would email her and say you 1. Feel like you need 1:1s so she has an appreciation for your workload 2. Are feeling quite unhappy about lack of acknowledgement around your workload 3. Ongoing issues with lazy coworkers. I'd be quite tempted to tell her that you won't be taking on any more work until the imbalance has been addressed and 4. Catch up about your wellbeing and be brutally honest about how youre feeling so she cannot ignore it. Waiting for her to come to you is pointless as it won't happen, you'll need to make the first move unfortunately.

Just one for consideration, different perspective.

I run a business, at beginning of 1st lock down, one employee off at time and worried about coming back, another went off shielding, my business partner/husband lost his mum after a lengthy illness that we had to juggle with running business. My uncle was also terminally ill and another staff member was also having to work extra hours to help cover some of the above. Sales were plummeting, businesses were going bust and we were stressed to hell.
I was relieved when things started to settle, first employee came back after I went through the risk assessment with her and reassured her, the shielding staff member insisting on coming back to work and had to be checked re welfare/risk etc. First employee then kicked off as she couldnt get leave as soon as she came back due to feeling tired and complained we had a duty of care.

BY this point I was on my knees, I had her, the shielding member of staff, the one who needed a break for covering the extra hours, my husband distraught and stressed over finances of the business and me trying to cope with all of this with no-one checking in on me and husband.

Then a conversation with someone else who basically said though, thats what you get at the top!

Welfare works all round, we as the owners were an inch away from just batting down the hatches, stripping business back to bare bones or even closing completely we had just had enough by this point.

Not all businesses are bad, there is often more going on than many realise and that you dont see. In the current climate, many have and are about to loose everything who welfare checks them?

Sorry, I realise this post will go down like a lead balloon, but whilst yes there is an element of welfare re staff and there certainly should be but if its not happening and you need it, speak up.

Please just bare in mind that all businesses are different and not all are bad/dont care about staff. Some may be in the same boat I found my self in, thankfully things are good now, but I have no doubt in my mind that whilst working through it we probably got slated despite all of the above!

I have raised before the amount of (unpaid) overtime I have done this year and my manager's response was to say that it wasn't that much overtime...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year. That is in addition to home-schooling. No one else in the team works overtime.

Stop doing the overtime. Do your contracted hours, whenever you have time and stop with the extra.

The thing is, as a working mum (it is shit but it's true) you have to work as though you don't have kids and parent as though you don't have a job.

TBH your manager is having regular team meetings to talk about the workload etc - why haven't you brought it up then? you don't have to say "X and Y are lazy and i pick up all the slack" you have to say "i can manage A, B and C, but D is too much can you reallocate it".

Also I forgot to mention I had a similar conversation with a previous manager about not working any more over time. He asked why not - I responded with "nothing in life is free".

She is your boss, not your friend. If you can't cope tell her. And it is correct, it is not your job to assess your colleagues' performance, your attempts to raise it are very unprofessional.
You need more structure around your work. If your workload is too much for your contractual hours you need to constructively raise it with your manager. Your colleagues are not responsible for the fact you have 2 children. It is your job to make your work life manageable, don't wait for your managers to proactively sort it out

Well stop doing unpaid overtime if it’s adding to your stress and not recognised by your boss! Don’t be a martyr about it.

Would you actually tell your boss the truth if they asked how you were doing? Loads of people just say everything’s ok until they hit breaking point

I think different people have different expectations. Has the manager ever asked at the meetings or in casual conversation how you are? Said if you need anything give me a call? She might see that as having asked or letting you know the door is open without her making a formal issue out of it. We have had this communication misunderstanding in my workplace.
Also I dont believe you should get special treatment or a reduced workload because you have children. I understand it is harder, i have two children myself but you cant expect to work less for the same pay etc just because you have children. Flexability and understanding is of course important but special treatment which i feel your op suggests you'd like is not appropriate.
People management is hard and impossible to please everyone. In my team there is huge resentment from those without childen towards any leave or allowances for those that do. Even to complaing about maternity and parental leave. Giving parents any perceived advantages causes real discord in the team.
I know its hard to feel pulled in every direction and that you may feel taken advantage of while others get away with doing sfa but blaming your mamager for not asking if you are ok is only making you feel worse. Bitterness and resentment dont help your mental health. Take back control, stop with the additional work, contact your manager and tell her that its not possible to get it done in addition to your usual pre wfh workload.
Decide on your priorities for schooling, are there any of the extras you can skip here or do at weekend. I only do art, pe, science experiments at weekends. Contact the teacher and tell them this is all you can manage.
Sit down, take stock and make a plan.

*The simple solution is to stop doing it, surely? You're being a bit of a martyr. If you are struggling to cope whilst also going way over & above what you're paid to do then just...stop.

Give a normal, non-stressful level of output. I bet once your output lowers the manager will check in. And that's your cue to say that you had been exhausting yourself trying to meet unrealistic standards for no appreciation. So, you will now be working efficiently, with the same high standards but no more unpaid overtime or tasks over & above your paygrade. If the work is piling up, you suggest she starts asking the other team members to pull their weight.

Your literally causing your own stress here. Stop it.*

This ^^