To think my manager should have checked I'm coping OK at some point in the past year (wfh and homeschooling)?

[Chillihat]

I work in a small team of 5. I am the only one with school-aged children, who are 8 and 10. The whole team has been wfh since last March but I am the only one with any caring responsibilities and having to homeschool (including a SEN DC).

I have been so stressed and anxious for the past year, as have many of us. However, a large part of this is because I am a really hard worker and have really strived not to let homeschooling affect my work output so have been working long hours to get everything done.

Two of my colleagues are really lazy and basically do as little as they can get away with. My manager is aware of this and sometimes gives them a vague "encouragement" to do more but they improve for a bit and then go back to their old ways. We all have the same role in the team so them not doing much means the rest of us have more to do.

AIBU to think that my manager should have contacted me at least once to check how I'm coping over the past year? There has been no acknowledgement of me having to work twice as hard while homeschooling or any reduction in my workload. It feels like she just doesn't care as long as the work gets done, which it does but I feel like I am going to burn out soon and am starting to feeling so angry at how unfair this is. I think I could cope with it so much better if my manager just showed that she cared. Instead she just delegates more work to me because I am efficient and have high standards.

I am wondering if IABU to expect her to at least check I'm OK? Or if it's my responsibility to tell her how hard I am finding things? We have weekly team calls where I have mentioned things like the stress of homeschooling (and often get interrupted on the call to help out with maths!) so I can't believe she would be unaware, I just think she doesn't care about my well-being.

The official company solution if you can't do your job while homeschooling is to take leave but that feels like a massive step and I don't think it would reflect well on me in future.

Whether or not you think OP is being a martyr at work, of course a manager should be regularly checking in with their team! How can anyone be voting YABU?

Especially during a pandemic when OP is having to homeschool in addition to her work, and especially if it is a small team. She sounds like a dreadful manager, especially having dismissed your concerns once already when you raised your overtime and she obviously doesn't care that you are shouldering an unfair amount of the work.

Do people really believe it is unreasonable to expect a manager to show at least some level of compassion in these circumstances? I really despair that so many people think this is OK.

People's attitudes on this thread demonstrate why employee mental health is so bad.

I have admitted being a bit of a martyr, but in my defense I genuinely wanted to be a good employee and not to let homeschooling affect my work. I accept that I need to stop doing the overtime and refuse extra work.

I'm still not convinced IABU to expect my manager to check in with me during such a difficult time though. As I said, even a one line email would have meant something.

It is not fair for you to pick up the work and do extra hours for others in your team that are not pulling their weight.
You need to stop saying yes and switch off when your hours are up.
If your manager dares complain, then is the time to say that you've helped out for the past year but it is not fair to expect you to pick up the slack for others for no extra pay for the extra hours you have been doing, and that for your own well being you have had to draw a line.

She's not checking in with you because you're not causing her any trouble. She may have to more actively manage the rest of the team. It's not fair, but there it is. If you have concerns about your workload you have to raise them.

You're not unreasonable to expect that actually op, but I have to say it's usually a cultural thing. My current workplace? Bend over backwards. Last place? Wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Care and respect for employees as individuals is top down. Do other managers of other teams check in, or are they all like this? To me it's unusual to not have any 1:1s with a manager at all. What's the industry as a whole like with soft skills?

Youranager probably hasn't asked you because she doesn't want to open that conversation.
It is easier to get you to do the extra work rather than properly manage the poor workers. So stop taking on the extra work and the overtime. She has told you that it isn't a lot of overtime therefore it will make little difference if you don't do it.

Isn't that part of a manager's role?

Has she checked in with anyone else over the year or do you believe you are a special case because you are a parent?

It depends on the company. Some companies are very paternalistic and think that caring for their employees will ultimately make them work more effectively and be more loyal. Some simply want the work to be done efficiently. If the manager is only required to ensure the work is done by 5 people, and it is getting done, then the manager is possibly "doing their job" as fast as the senior management view it.

Sure, a lot of managers would want to make sure their employees are doing okay because that is a humane, kind thing to do when you work closely with 5 people. But, I'm not surprised that your manager doesnt give a toss, in the same way there are many uncaring selfish people in the world.

In this situation you have two choices. Continue as you are, and slowly burn out. Or ask for a meeting with your manager and raise your list of concerns and complaints. Personally I would do the latter.

YANBU My manager checks in with me through regular 1:1s but it sounds like this isn't your managers style or the culture at your place of work.

While you are absolutely not being unreasonable we can't go around bemoaning how we'd like the world to be, particularly at work. I think you need to get proactive here and decide what you want your outcome to be.

Once you know what you want I'd suggest putting some time in the dairy for catch up with them on their own. I'd ignore the uneven workload within the team and this could come off a bit churlish but explain how you are feeling at the moment, the pressure you are under and propose with a solution like reducing your hours for a bit or being clear about the hours you can can and can't work.

I can't believe how many people have voted YABU. There are a lot of crap managers around, often promoted just because they have been there a certain amount of time. You will need to pin them down and raise it yourself.

It's not your manager's job to involve herself in your domestic arrangements.

Presumably you complete your tasks so you are coping as far as she is concerned. If you are struggling, you need to say so.

YABU to be picking up the slack of other people at the same level, on your own team.

Stop thinking of other people, start putting your needs first. People have jobs because we all need to pay bills. It is not required to go above and beyond or work extra hours (assuming the culture is likewise, you say 2 colleagues barely work).. It is just a job. Your mental and physical health, your DC and relationships outside work are a million times more important.

Gradually ease off, gradually reduce your working hours and output down to a "normal" level for the team. Not all at once obviously that will be too obvious and might land you in trouble. Just do it gradually. Make sure you still appear engaged and active e.g. in team meetings. But for god's sake take some ownership of your life. Stop giving what's not required.

My line manager checks weekly that I'm ok as she knows I have DS at home and that both myself and DH are WFH.

Given that it could be thought damaging to prospects to let on that you're finding it difficult, I think it's reasonable for a manager to be expected to check that their staff are ok and reassure them that support will be provided and it won't be held against them.

Wow, I know this is AIBU but some people are just mean.

"Do you think you're a special case because you're a parent?" Yes, of course she is a special case in these circumstances! Parents who are having to wfh and homeschool for long periods of time are under immense pressure and YABU not to have any compassion or understanding of that.

@Mintjulia

It's not your manager's job to involve herself in your domestic arrangements.

Presumably you complete your tasks so you are coping as far as she is concerned. If you are struggling, you need to say so.

But it is your manager's job to make sure you are ok, surely? It's not just about managing workloads. I can only conclude that there must be a lot of crap managers themselves on this thread.

Yes, a good manager would and should have proactively checked in with you. But a good manager would also not have allowed a situation where some people were coasting and others were doing unpaid overtime to compensate to arise in the first place.

Your manager is not a good manager. On that I can agree with you. But, having come to that conclusion, what do you want to do about that exactly? Lots of people are working with suboptimal managers. You can ask for what you want from said manager, or you can find a way to have another manager - request a transfer or find another job.

I think that you should ask her for a meeting (call) tomorrow and set out exactly what you’ve told us, OP.

I don't think YABU to expect a check in over and above the usual team meeting.

I only directly manage two people but I phone them just for a 5 minute chat once a week, with the express intention of just seeing how things are, how the kids are, how the dog is, what they're having for tea. These chats are where they say, actually I feel batshit mental and really anxious and I go, okay cool, take tomorrow off and have a long weekend.

Those conversations wouldn't happen in the team meeting and I see it as my job to at least leave that door open for them: more often than not I ring them and we just chat nonsense about the news or lockdown boredom, but they also know that I'm honest about when I've been struggling and that I'd like them to be honest if they need help and support, so they are.

It's a shitty manager who doesn't consider their staff might want a little extra support - even a 1 line email every month or so, just checking in on their general wellbeing - in the middle of a stressful global health crisis.

"...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year." is not a small amount of overtime - it's over 10% of your working time. My response to that (in my head, 'cos I'm a coward) would be "OK then, so a 10% salary increase is a small amount of money. When am I getting it?"

I agree that you sound a bit of a martyr. Stop doing unpaid overtime - stop covering for other people - if the work falls behind, it's not your problem. And if you need to speak to your manager, the phone works both ways.

Checking how you get on, yes.

But thinking you need special treatment because you are homeschooling? Sorry but no.

@whoamongstus you sound like a great manager and obviously care about your staff.

I wonder how many people who voted YABU are just crap managers who don't care about other people. This thread makes for a depressing read.

@Chillihat

I have to say I'm really surprised that most people seem to think IABU to expect my manager to check in with me at least once during the past year. Isn't that part of a manager's role?

I have raised before the amount of (unpaid) overtime I have done this year and my manager's response was to say that it wasn't that much overtime...it equates to working an extra 5 weeks over the year. That is in addition to homeschooling. No one else in the team works overtime.

I don't feel I can raise the issue of uneven workload because essentially it means I am criticising my colleagues.

It's your choice to do the unpaid overtime so why don't you stop doing it?

Honestly I think YABU. I’m a manager, I have regular 1:2:1s and we have team meetings twice a week. At every team meeting I ask how everyone is doing (is t that a standard for opening a conversations??). At the end of every team meeting I remind the team how they can contact me if they want to discuss anything. I treat them all fairly and equally (noting that equal doesn’t mean the same).

As many have raised, of course a good manager would ask you - but they wouldn’t single you out because of your personal circumstances. The well-being of your colleagues is equally as important.

But the problem here is you. Being a good employee can mean saying no. Being a good employee isn’t about working 5 extra weeks a year overtime (that is hiding a huge workflow problem). Being a good employee is about raising issues in a constructive way and working to find a solution. Why don’t you schedule a meeting to discuss your well-being? Why don’t you slow down a bit? You will clearly still be more productive than your colleagues and will lighten your own load. Why don’t you say no more? Maybe find some assertiveness training to help you?Why not at the next team meeting say ‘can you spare five minutes at the end please manager?’ And discuss it then.

The te meetings are welfare checks to some degree and the manager is having contact with you on a regular basis. They aren’t a mind reader even if they know your homeschooling.
Oh and do take leave for a rest, I don’t know why you would think taking your allocated holiday would go against you in a redundancy situation. If anything those who don’t pull their weight are likely to be at the top of that list - unless of course there is a huge backstory where they are family of the company (assuming you are in the private sector)

To add, my manager asks me but is absolutely not interested in the answer. I’m not sure what’s worse not being asked but being asked and them not being bothered...