To think my manager should have checked I'm coping OK at some point in the past year (wfh and homeschooling)?

[Chillihat]

I work in a small team of 5. I am the only one with school-aged children, who are 8 and 10. The whole team has been wfh since last March but I am the only one with any caring responsibilities and having to homeschool (including a SEN DC).

I have been so stressed and anxious for the past year, as have many of us. However, a large part of this is because I am a really hard worker and have really strived not to let homeschooling affect my work output so have been working long hours to get everything done.

Two of my colleagues are really lazy and basically do as little as they can get away with. My manager is aware of this and sometimes gives them a vague "encouragement" to do more but they improve for a bit and then go back to their old ways. We all have the same role in the team so them not doing much means the rest of us have more to do.

AIBU to think that my manager should have contacted me at least once to check how I'm coping over the past year? There has been no acknowledgement of me having to work twice as hard while homeschooling or any reduction in my workload. It feels like she just doesn't care as long as the work gets done, which it does but I feel like I am going to burn out soon and am starting to feeling so angry at how unfair this is. I think I could cope with it so much better if my manager just showed that she cared. Instead she just delegates more work to me because I am efficient and have high standards.

I am wondering if IABU to expect her to at least check I'm OK? Or if it's my responsibility to tell her how hard I am finding things? We have weekly team calls where I have mentioned things like the stress of homeschooling (and often get interrupted on the call to help out with maths!) so I can't believe she would be unaware, I just think she doesn't care about my well-being.

The official company solution if you can't do your job while homeschooling is to take leave but that feels like a massive step and I don't think it would reflect well on me in future.

I think you're being unreasonable to pick up the slack for your colleagues and then complain your manager hasn't noticed how difficult things are for you at the moment. Taking on the extra work without complaint might suggest to your manager you are coping just fine. In an ideal world your manager would check in with you but they haven't so you have a choice about whether you discuss it with them and offer some ideas about how work could be more manageable for you or you continue to nurture the resentment MN has told you is justified. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are being very passive about managing your own well being.

First, it's a place of business, so yes, it's up to you to put it forward when you are struggling. It's not up to work to hold your hand.

Then, thinking you have special circumstances when you know nothing about everyone else anyway?

It wouldn't occur to me to ask specifically about homeschooling if the colleague is a mother ,but everybody has various challenges.

It's nicer to have a manager who keeps in touch, but she doesn't have to care or expect any more than the work done.

I sincerely hope the OP is a father, because I find the martyr-special circumstances- attitude from many women really frustrating.

Its not that my manager hasn't noticed how difficult things are for me. She knows that I am working harder than the others in addition to homeschooling but still continues to give me more work purely because its more convenient for her. That's why it feels that she doesn't care about my well-being.

I have already acknowledged that I will start to say no to work that is given to me and have taken on board that I have in some ways been acting the martyr.

I still don't think IABU in expecting my manager to check in on me and show some care for my well-being in these circumstances and am surprised that 70% of people think IABU.

If your manager has not checked in with you since March last year, that is very poor.

I also agree that the fact the manager is not managing the other staff correctly is out of order.

And please stop doing the unpaid overtime you need a break too.

Yanbu a weekly curtesy call wouldn't go a miss.

Yes, your manager should have checked in with you. But likewise, you’re an adult and perfectly capable of asking you manager for a 1:1 to discuss this

If you have weekly team calls, she IS checking on you.

It's up to you to request a one-to-one.

It's not school. It's perfectly reasonable to give more work to the person who handles it well. Someone needs to do it.

The same way as you would give the most lucrative client to the most qualified member of the team, not the most junior. You don't start easing the work load of someone as a reward for being a good boy/ good girl.

Any professional adult is able to go and say that's it's too much and unrealistic. "I obviously can't do both at the same time, which one do you want me to achieve first?" works very well.

She should be checking in with all her team individually that there is nothing you need etc.
Can you take some annual leave? This won't count against you if redundancy becomes an issue.

Even if you were asked to do less than normal, any good manager would ask how you are. Even if you did not have children.

Far too many managers seem to be appointed for technical ability not people skills.

It's a bit cringey to expect a constant hand hold from your manager.

Spot on @peak2021. Unless your manager has a huge number of line reports, how difficult is it to check in with them regularly in a 121? I work for someone (who herself has kids) who manages to hold 121s weekly and has about 15 reports. And you SHOULD know what's going on with them.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

It's a bit cringey to expect a constant hand hold from your manager.

A weekly “how are you doing?” seems reasonable right now though.

My line manager checks weekly that I'm ok

I'd find this absolutely suffocating.

A weekly “how are you doing?” seems reasonable right now though.

but they do, they have a weekly team meeting.

A good manager would check in. It might make good business sense for managers to have 1-1 meetings to check on how employees are and avoid burn out if possible. However if yours doesn’t then you do have personal responsibility as well to let them know, cut down unpaid overtime etc.

Home schooling sounds incredibly hard. However I don’t think that sole reason should lead to more support. Others may equally have caring responsibilities for adults, be dealing with their own health problems or bereavement. That might be the employees who aren’t working as hard. Maybe they spoke up to the manager, hence extra work that you have thus far taken without explaining there are problems.

I don't think YABU to expect for her to have at least checked in to see how you're coping. My husband has been WFH since March and has monthly 1:1's on the phone with his boss to discuss how he's feeling about work and also any personal issues. He finds it really helpful.

Wow I manage a small team (private sector SME) and it's absolutely mandatory to have regular 121 with my staff - we do it fortnightly. It's also mandatory for staff to attend. I actually have a weekly 121 with my own boss.

I'm shocked that even in the absence of a formal structure, particularly during the last few months, a manager who was previously used to seeing you every day in the office, wouldn't have wanted to check in with you now and again individually to see how you are coping.

It's no wonder "management" in some workplaces has a bad rep.

She knows that I am working harder than the others in addition to homeschooling but still continues to give me more work purely because its more convenient for her Speak up I understand it is a difficult conversation to have.
It isn't fair your colleagues are doing less if every job I've worked in there are always a few lazy staff they get away with it on the back of the hard workers.
You're obviously frustrated You're not unreasonable feeling this way.
Write an email as long as you are there over 2years they won't use it to punish you.

@LochJessMonster

Honestly? In a business sense, it’s not her problem. You are getting the work done. That’s what you being are paid for, so that is what she is concerned about

This is such crap, unless you have a really shit job or you’re a really shit manager. Assuming this isn’t an entry level first job, it’s a given that people are capable of performing - otherwise you don’t hire them.

Thereafter a half decent manger wants to ensure their team are engaged, motivated and aren’t going to jump ship any time soon.