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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about personal spending money if your hobby is funded by employer?

94 replies

EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:11

Currently having some issues with dh and money.
He is very low maintenance clothes and grooming wise and his hobby gets paid for by work.
I am currently sahm, he puts a certain amount in my account which basically covers food and a few bills. There is nothing left over that I can spend on me.
I'm not expecting a huge designer allowance or anything just some spending money.
He doesn't get it as he says he doesn't spend stuff on crap.
However his hobby is funded by work and I'm sure if it wasn't he'd feel differently.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/01/2021 15:15

I realise I may be a minority but I don’t get having separate accounts especially when one partner is not working because of may leave
It seems to generally disadvantage women who are left with no disposable income
Surely you’re a family so there’s family money / you shouldn’t have to ask for money or justify the odd time you may want a coffee or haircut etc
What’s his hobby out of interest?
Were you working before the baby?
Is he a good, hands on partner?
There’s a difference between him being a bit clumsy with this issue or financially controlling
For example if you asked for £100 would he give it to you?

Original poster
EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:17

There's no problem with division of labour and he would give me money if I asked.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 26/01/2021 15:19

This is financial control. You are married. What’s his is yours and what’s yours is his. He shouldn’t be giving you pocket money like you were a child.

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:19

I'm inclined to agree with @rubyslippers, if you don't have any income from a job or anything else then surely you should have a joint account.

You are a sahm and he is earning, but you are both working, and the money coming in should therefore be accessible to you both and belongs to you both.

I couldn't be with a man like this who feels that money earned is "his" just because it's under his name, when his wife is doing all the work at home to keep things ticking over. It is actually very controlling.

You could say that if he doesn't give you access to a joint account then you will need to get a job yourself and he will have to reduce his hours to spend time at home. You need things to be 50/50.

Janaih · 26/01/2021 15:19

If you're a sahm you should have access to joint account to get what you need, and a few wants if funds allow.
If your partner withholds money you either need to start working or ltb.
I'm baffled as to how anyone can have their hobby paid for by employer though!

minipie · 26/01/2021 15:20

Ok so he would give you money if you asked - so the problem isn’t that you can’t spend money on yourself, it’s that you have to ask every time rather than have it included in the allowance? Is that right?

Or does he argue with you when you ask for money for yourself?

wibblewombat · 26/01/2021 15:21

Then ask...

The alternative is a job, isn't it?

I have a very low-maintenance DH, so understand the issue. I used to tip-toe about. The only way to proceed is communication.

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2021 15:22

Is there somewhere some men learn this shit? So many seem to be at it.

OP - you should have equal access to money. It’s that simple.

Original poster
EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:23

I have to ask and he would ask what it's for, he wouldn't not give it to me but he might be a bit eye rolley.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:24

@EvenPhilip

I have to ask and he would ask what it's for, he wouldn't not give it to me but he might be a bit eye rolley.
Point is you shouldn't really have to ask.

Even though his name is on the payslip you are married and it is actually yours as well. That's how marriage works.

Godimabitch · 26/01/2021 15:24

Just ask for the monthly amount to go up by whatever is reasonable in your finances. A good portion of the leftover income should go to savings and the rest split in half between you. So say theres 500 after bills, 300 in savings, 100 each spenders.

Wishitsnows · 26/01/2021 15:25

You are not a child and therefore should not be asking for pocket money. He doesn't see you as an equal partner.

LagunaBubbles · 26/01/2021 15:26

I cant ever imagine having to ask my DH for money and then being asked what its for, treating you like a child. Don't get why women put up with this!

Godimabitch · 26/01/2021 15:26

You shouldn't have to justify what you're spending money on. If you can afford it then you have a right to little luxuries.
Tell him it's not acceptable, you're not a child asking for pocket money and go through your expenses and agree a fair amount of disposable income.

Original poster
EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:27

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/01/2021 15:27

Why’s he eye rolling when you ask for money?
Are you meany to be grateful for what he’s currently doing
I simply couldn’t live like this
As a couple with a child you should have access to the family money
Ask for that
And I’m still intrigued as to what his hobby is?

rubyslippers · 26/01/2021 15:28

I’d think he was a financially controlling wanker
Sorry :-(
He sounds mean and penny pinching

AbsentmindedWoman · 26/01/2021 15:28

I appreciate I'm being dense but why/ how does an employer fund anyone's hobby? Confused

Missing the point of thread I know...

rubyslippers · 26/01/2021 15:28

That was to the comment about him reducing your housekeeping re your own income

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:29

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?
LTB.

Extremely controlling behaviour and I would not put up with it. He's not treating you as an equal.

Original poster
EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:31

Think being an avid fisherman and working for 'Rods R Us'

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 26/01/2021 15:32

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?
That's ridiculous.

You need to sit down together and work out how much you need to pay all your bills, food, travel etc, including savings for annual and irregular expenses, pension savings for both of you, DC costs, savings for emergency fund etc and then split what is left 50/50 for personal spends (clothes, grooming, mobile, lunches and coffees out, personal treats etc etc).

If anything, you should get more personal spending money, because he's benefitting from his hobby being paid for by work so he's already in front of you moneywise - if he lost this perk, he'd either have to pay for his hobby out of his personal spending money or not do it.

Alternatively, you could go back to work and he'd have to do more at home because you don't have time to do it.

VettiyaIruken · 26/01/2021 15:34

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?
I'd think he was a twat. You're supposed to be a team!
Thedarknightsarelifting · 26/01/2021 15:34

Deducted from your housekeeping... dick move!

Countdowntonothing · 26/01/2021 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.