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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about personal spending money if your hobby is funded by employer?

94 replies

EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:11

Currently having some issues with dh and money.
He is very low maintenance clothes and grooming wise and his hobby gets paid for by work.
I am currently sahm, he puts a certain amount in my account which basically covers food and a few bills. There is nothing left over that I can spend on me.
I'm not expecting a huge designer allowance or anything just some spending money.
He doesn't get it as he says he doesn't spend stuff on crap.
However his hobby is funded by work and I'm sure if it wasn't he'd feel differently.

OP posts:

Milkshake7489 · 26/01/2021 15:34

I wouldn't be a SAHM unless I had full and equal access to all of the family money.

Both me and my partner consult each other about larger purchases, but it is an equal relationship.

Your 'D'H is taking the piss with his control of the purse strings... you are at home looking after your joint children.

BornIn78 · 26/01/2021 15:35

he would give me money if I asked

Well then ask.

"DH I need £XX amount per month as some personal spending money. Can you set up a standing order please".

Job done.

rubyslippers · 26/01/2021 15:36

@EvenPhilip

Think being an avid fisherman and working for 'Rods R Us'

So the sort of hobby which is hours and hours long So not only is he pissy about money he has an incredibly time consuming hobby (which I bet you don’t) I’m so sorry but he’s mean with money, mean with his time (he’s probably always fishing) so I think you need to make some serious changes to the relationship dynamic and fast

notalwaysalondoner · 26/01/2021 15:38

The reason he cut your 'housekeeping' is because you don't have a joint account - he wouldn't need to be involved at all if you just had access to all the funds (and he had access to your pt income) and you could both see where the money went.

Have you ever discussed having a joint account? What is his justification for not having one?

So many women seem to sleepwalk into this situation after they have children - just because there wasn't a need for joint accounts when you first moved in together years ago doesn't mean that shouldn't change when you have children and then all money should be family money.

wildraisins · 26/01/2021 15:38

Sounds like (more or less) he earns 100% of the income and you do 100% of the housework/ sahm stuff.

He benefits from 50% of what you do, but you don't benefit from 50% of what he does.

So, it doesn't take a genius to see that's an unequal balance in your marriage. Maybe point this out to him.

speakout · 26/01/2021 15:39

A fair partnership for me works on the idea of putting effort in= jollies out.

No matter what that may look like.

Effort may be paid work, housework, childcare, mental load, financial organisation.

Jollies can be money, trips, nice car, free stuff.

I was a SAHM for years, OH earned all the money for a while, and we both had free access to spend as we needed.

His job was hard, but also involved many trips away, wher evenings were spent relaxing in hotels, or having meals in fancy restaurants paid for by his company with his colleagues.

Meanwhile I was at hpome with no personal income, caring for his kids while he was away, sometimes for weeks on end.

So I would take the kids out for a meal, book myself on yoga workshops when he was home, treated myself to haircuts and luxury items to make my life easier.
He never questioned my spending- not once.
He knew he was lucky to have my support which allowed him career freedoms, while also being a father.

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2021 15:44

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

FFS. That’s what I’d think.

readingismycardio · 26/01/2021 15:46

If you are a SAHM then you are working, you are pulling your weight. Childcare is crazy expensive and so is cooking and cleaning. Does he contribute around the house somehow? What about his own dc?

In these situations I always wonder if he resents you for not working, but this was a joint decision, wasn't it?

RaspberryCoulis · 26/01/2021 15:48

'm not expecting a huge designer allowance or anything

Have you heard of this incredible invention called the joint account? Honestly it's amazing. Both people get access to the money!! I know, revolutionary right??

But if you want to carry on asking Daddy for pocket money like a teenager, you carry on with your "allowance".

DaphneBridgerton · 26/01/2021 15:49

@AbsentmindedWoman They could pay for his gym/golf membership or something like that. But I see what you mean, as that would have to include all the gear and other spending...

AgentProvocateur · 26/01/2021 15:51

“So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?”

I’d wonder why you were staying with someone who was financially controlling and who treated you like a child?

DaphneBridgerton · 26/01/2021 15:51

Ignore that I just noticed the comment about his hobby!

Outbutnotoutout · 26/01/2021 15:52

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

I would think he was a financially controlling arsehole.

bilbodog · 26/01/2021 15:53

You shouldn't have to ASK for money - i dont understand why anyone thinks this is ok. I hope you are able to sort this out but he probably wont see it this way and you need to consider whether this is a relationship worth staying in. Sorry OP.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 26/01/2021 15:57

“So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?“

He’s a financially controlling knob.

Your finances should be joint. You shouldn’t have to ask if it’s ok to spend money on yourself unless it’s a significant amount compared to household income.

He’s treating you like a child.

Heyahun · 26/01/2021 16:01

fuck that - how old are your children? i'd be getting back to work - probably full tim! make your own money - share the cost of childcare/nursery or whatever

Have your own money, don't be dependant on this man - its not a good place to be!

If you do decide to leave him, at least if you are financially independent you will manage!

Akire · 26/01/2021 16:01

Unless you are on the bread line money is for spending. Life is about the small everyday things that make it happier. A coffee in park, a bunch of flowers from the supermarket. The odd magazine or book. Where is all the money going after bills? Why don’t you have a say in where it goes?

If you work part time you gain nothing, he has your income he saves as a bonus. He must have a fair amount saved if neither of you spent anything than basic bills and food.

BubblyBarbara · 26/01/2021 16:02

You are married. What’s his is yours and what’s yours is his.

It's not quite that absolute.

TantieTowie · 26/01/2021 16:03

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

Charge him for childcare and any cleaning that you do? That's the logical conclusion, if what counts is who earns the money. You should be equal partners - he contributes with cash, you contribute with care. But if only cash counts, then you should charge him.

RaspberryCoulis · 26/01/2021 16:06

@Merryoldgoat

Is there somewhere some men learn this shit? So many seem to be at it.

OP - you should have equal access to money. It’s that simple.

And is there somewhere else that women learn that it's OK? Because every other week there's the same post, a woman being unable to buy X, or Y because she's never heard of a joint account and her DH controls the money. And is all wide-eyed innocence with "is this normal? DH is buying Gucci suits and I can't afford tampons".

movingonup20 · 26/01/2021 16:10

Sounds very controlling. Is there a backstory of you running up debts? Otherwise I would be wary and plotting my escape

Cocomarine · 26/01/2021 16:11

I haven’t asked a man for money since I was a teenager asking my dad for my dinner money.

I’m perfectly happy with separate accounts personally - in fact prefer it. But that’s because we’re both happy that what is in them in fair!

A SAHM should have equal access to all family money, be able to make spending decisions without eye rolling within a budget agreed by both parties. So it’s fine to agree that more than £100 needs to be discussed, for example. But that’s discussion - not seeking permission.

movingonup20 · 26/01/2021 16:12

As context my exh gives me money each month so I don't go short (other extreme!). I would demand a joint account

wibblewombat · 26/01/2021 16:13

What I will say is nip this behaviour out now as it won't change. I have a friend who was left unable to feed the joint children at the end of each month as her DH was wanting to pay the mortgage off early & so he kept her "housekeeping" short.

My husband is lovely but can veer into being tight & it's wearing. It doesn't change, put your foot down.

Merryoldgoat · 26/01/2021 16:14

@RaspberryCoulis

Yes. But if we ever say ‘why the hell have you put up with this?’ the victim blaming accusations roll in.

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