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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about personal spending money if your hobby is funded by employer?

94 replies

EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 15:11

Currently having some issues with dh and money.
He is very low maintenance clothes and grooming wise and his hobby gets paid for by work.
I am currently sahm, he puts a certain amount in my account which basically covers food and a few bills. There is nothing left over that I can spend on me.
I'm not expecting a huge designer allowance or anything just some spending money.
He doesn't get it as he says he doesn't spend stuff on crap.
However his hobby is funded by work and I'm sure if it wasn't he'd feel differently.

OP posts:

CoRhona · 26/01/2021 16:17

What did you SAY when he cut your 'allowance'? I mean, did you just let it go?

Whether I have been on mat leave or working, I have always had full, unfettered access to the joint account.

bridgetreilly · 26/01/2021 16:18

I bet it's cycling.

OP, this is not an acceptable scenario. You need to explain to him that this way of doing things treats you like his inferior, not his partner. He is not a parent or a bank manager: you should never have to ask him for money. Nor should you be solely responsible for 'housekeeping'. If he wants to keep a separate bank account, there still ought to be a joint account into which he pays a proportion of his earnings to cover all bills and household expenses. And then the rest should be split between you equally. He can save all his if he wants, and you can spend all yours if you want, or whatever.

Or you have one joint account and you have a monthly budget which again accounts for all household bills and expenses and then you both have equal access to the rest. But no adult should have to be asking their partner for money like you are.

Godimabitch · 26/01/2021 16:19

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

What the fuck?! The way we find works is that we have a joint account and a personal account each. Money for joint expenses goes into the joint account. Money for individual spenders goes to personal accounts. What I'd suggest you do is move all income and joint expenditure into the joint account and split the remainder minus savings in half.

Maybe go through and show him how much it would cost him fo hire someone to do the jobs you do. Childcare, housework etc so he sees what a tightwad he's being.

itsbiganditsorange · 26/01/2021 16:19

He's being a tight-fisted arse. Now what I'd do is write down every minute of every day exactly how many hours you spend shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, looking after dc (including being on night duty), and look up how much you would have to pay a cleaner, a nanny etc for those hours. Cost out exactly how much money you would earn if you were being paid to do those jobs. Oh, and include pension contributions. Then print him out an invoice. Tell him you want that on top of the housekeeping money.

PuppyMonkey · 26/01/2021 16:20

Send him invoices for childcare, housekeeping, catering and the hours you cover while he’s off doing The Hobby.

Also LTB.

But first please just tell us the hobby.

Lardycake4me · 26/01/2021 16:20

Could be cycling and he works for Wiggle or GCN

PuppyMonkey · 26/01/2021 16:21

Ooh cross post

PurpleMustang · 26/01/2021 16:22

Oh no no no! You should either have one joint account or one joint and 2 personal. All bills are paid and then the rest should be discussed ie savings, car, Christmas etc then you should both get fun money. Where does the money for childs clothes etc come from? And i would ask him, if he changed job would he then give up the hobby as it wasn't then paid for or would he then pay for it himself to continue? See how 'important' this hobby is. And show the stingy arse this thread. You should not have to have a purchase judged before you buy it unless it was say a bigger one over a certain amount, you know spending a grand on a handbag

Lucieintheskye · 26/01/2021 16:26

This sounds like financial abuse.

I'm a housewife, DH is a high earner. I have full access to every penny he earns but we seperate the money into bills, food, payments and whatever's left is for both of us to share. He doesn't give me an allowance to pay the bills with, or to go shopping with, the money is just there. His hobby is his job but my hobbies cost money, I don't have to ask permission to pay for them.

Before we were married and living together I was a broke student and he gave me an 'allowance' to help me with car payments and anything else. When I started working I just paid my income into the joint account and we shared the money.

Some couples would split what was left so they each have the same amount of spending money but there's no reason at all for him to be keeping all that spending money to himself, you're married you're supposed to share. What a ridiculous man.

Triffid1 · 26/01/2021 16:35

He cut your "housekeeping" when you went back to work? So basically, the way he sees it, is that you are responsible for ALL bills related to running the house / managing the kids on a daily basis. while you are not working he will, begrudgingly, pay these bills but once you work again, these are your bills. Obviously, the work of actually managing the house and doing the childcare does not, in fact, count as work.

What would I say? FUCK THAT. This is disgusting and its financial abuse and the sooner you make sure this changes or get out of this relationship (whichever is easier) the better.

PS DH was a SAHD and still earns significantly less. All money is shared. It wouldn't even cross my mind to question him spending day to day money or vice versa.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2021 16:38

With a DH like yours being a SAHM is not a good idea IMHO. What kind of hobby is funded by employers.

Original poster

EvenPhilip · 26/01/2021 16:42

This is the one MN hobby thread where it's not cycling

OP posts:

CheesePleaz · 26/01/2021 16:49

I'm a SAHM and my husband pays for my hobby, it's a hobby I had before I met him and one that's not easy to stop (it has four legs and goes "neigh") but he gets that I need a time out.

He also funds big purchases.

We have separate accounts and a joint account.

DynamoKev · 26/01/2021 17:01

@EvenPhilip

This is the one MN hobby thread where it's not cycling

Golf then. The mystery hobby is golf.

redsquirrelfan · 26/01/2021 17:08

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

That sounds like the sort of thing my father would have done. It's financial abuse.

Though even he agreed to a joint account for bills in the end. Not that he put that much in it, but it did mean that there was enough to cover joint bills (and my mum did work).

My father lent my mum the money to buy a car and charged her interest! And yes, they were married. That's what financial abuse looks like.

yoyo1234 · 26/01/2021 17:11

I think rock climbing (at least a hobby I think is vaguely interesting/exciting)

yoyo1234 · 26/01/2021 17:13

Oh what about: bowling, tennis, sailing, archery

MummytoCSJH · 26/01/2021 17:15

@RaspberryCoulis she doesn't want to have to keep asking, isn't that kind of the entire point of the thread? Has the OP offended you personally or are you just being a dick to someone who has done nothing wrong - other than trust her husband who turned out to be a wanker - for no reason?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/01/2021 17:16

This is financial abuse. Simple.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 26/01/2021 17:25

If he can be reasoned with, tell him you won't put up with financial abuse/control.

If he doesn't stop the financial abuse, and you don't have enough money for everything then maybe you have to stop buying him food...

Or you could tell him to do the shop and pay for it as you have run out of money - and send him a long list of everything you need so he can't forget or miss anything.

If you can't reason/talk to him, then go back to work, and don't share your earnings other than in a strict % basis towards hills/food. And then he needs to do 50% childcare or pay nursery fees and do pick up / drop off and be available when DC is sick, not in childcare etc.

Aj1400 · 26/01/2021 17:31

IMHO if you're married your money is each others, whoever earns it.

My OH was studying for a number of years so my income was OUR income and his student loan minimally contributed somewhat.
We've then had a lovely year or so of both earning - but all goes in the same pot.

Now prepping for Mat leave, so his income will be OUR income.

As for buying stuff for our independent hobbies - if it feels like it's taking the piss or more expensive than the monthly limit we set each other then we discuss it, as that'd chip into savings.

EveLe · 26/01/2021 17:36

He’s being controlling and abusive! I’m sure he doesn’t ask you every time he wants to spend money, so why should you have to?

I’m a SAHM, DH used to give me £200 per month for “personal” spending, but that lead to him being able to save money for big purchases and me not being able to as I tend to buy what the kids need and he had more spare cash than me.

As soon as I pointed that out, DH switched his salary to be paid into our joint account. Now, we pay everything for the house and the kids from that account, and at the end of each month, whatever’s left is split equally between us for personal spending, no questions asked from either of us.

If my DH acted like yours is doing I would leave. He is being abusive and controlling and you shouldn’t have to live like that.

Plussizejumpsuit · 26/01/2021 17:37

@EvenPhilip

So if I told you that I had a pt job briefly and he cut my 'housekeeping' by the amount I was earning what would you think?

That he was either thick or financially abusive or really fucking tight. Or a combo

I say thick because ver very few jobs are free to do. Thinking commute, food out of home, work wear, childcare, stationary, equipment, etc.

It seems that you maybe didn't have a conversation about splitting money when you became a sahm. As this isn't equal. Does he understand what childcare would cost so if you worked full time he would be paying half of that and for any additional services you provide. Not that you have to monetise all your domestic labour but he's making it like this.

Seriously though is he alway a dick?

Plussizejumpsuit · 26/01/2021 17:40

@Viviennemary

With a DH like yours being a SAHM is not a good idea IMHO. What kind of hobby is funded by employers.

I think this is true. In that being a sahm is OK if your dh sees money as equal and shared. That both parties enable the earnings as the other looks after the children. But if the dh sees it otherwise you're better of a) leaving or b) working and paying for childcare and domestic services.

Also I'm thinking on the hobby thing! 🤔

yogamatted · 26/01/2021 17:59

Why do you let him get away with this? You are not a child who needs an allowance. You are equal partners in this marriage so should have equal access to the money.
If I can teach my daughters anything I hope it is to view themselves as no less worthy than any other person.

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