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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mightily cheesed off

131 replies

whatsthepointinwasps · 25/01/2021 23:37

Or over reacting? Hard to know these days!

This is a an extended family going on holiday together situation ( planned for next year when, fingers crossed, we’ll all be able to get out with some semblance of normality)
I was all for it, as was everyone else, place looked lovely. Beautiful house with wonderful amenities in a picturesque setting.
So proposed room set up was that I share with with my sister in law’s DDs, both teenagers. The girls themselves are nice enough when not together but, as all sisters do, they tend to fight when in the same room.
Don’t get me wrong I understand that sibling bickering is a natural occurrence in all families. I don’t mind it but I don’t want to share a room with it when on holiday.
I said that to the person who is doing the organising and their reply was ‘well just go out if they start’
I feel that especially as l’ll have paid out a fair bit of money for the privilege of having a room, I shouldn’t then have to leave it because of arguing youngsters.
Is this a reasonable or unreasonable point of view?

OP posts:
Slobbymummy · 26/01/2021 10:19

We went on a family holiday a few years ago with the in-laws. We were the only family with children there. My sil and bil paid 1/4 of the bill for their room, my mil and her sister paid 1/4 for their room, split between them, and we paid 1/2 of the bill for our room and our children's room.

We would never dream of asking someone else to share a room with our children, if there wasn't an extra room for them they would of been in our room. Sounds like the properties they are looking at are not suitable, you either get your own room and pay accordingly or just take your van.

davidsSchitt · 26/01/2021 10:23

So other than the camper van which room fo you expect should be vacated for you to go into alone?

MrsBobDylan · 26/01/2021 10:26

What @SnoozyLou said. I did an extended family holiday in 2014 and it turned into a live episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. It took 5 years and the death of my Dad for sibling rifts to heal.

jay55 · 26/01/2021 10:28

I can't believe grandad is expected to bunk in a dormitory with the male children, and pay the same as an adult in a nice comfy bed with privacy. He's paying for a fancy hotel and being put up in a youth hostel, with a school trip group in his dorm.

And the teens won't want to share with you. However much you love each other it will be weird for them too.

It's not go, because I hate sharing and communal fun.

HighSpecWhistle · 26/01/2021 10:39

Rather than pay by adult, why not pay by bedroom? It may incentivise those with kids to bunk up together.

I don't see why you pay the same as someone else and you have to share with kids while they get privacy etc.

I would suggest more of the kids share together so that you have your own room (maybe the smallest double).

It's not on for a grown adult to have to share with teenagers. Can you share with grandad and the kids all share? Parents can take blow up beds if needed.

If you take your campervan I think it's fair you pay towards facilities as presumably you'll be using them all quite a lot.

Family holidays are messy. We always got the short straw when we didn't have kids. Then when we had them we made sure we had the best room a few times to make up for it :)

Now....family holidays aren't really appealing, you have to compromise too much

Pancakeorcrepe · 26/01/2021 10:49

You sound lovely but this is a nightmare setup! They are being very unfair to you. It’s not much of a holiday as things stand. I can’t believe they are wanting you to share with these two teenagers let alone paying the “normal” price. They are having you on!

steppemum · 26/01/2021 10:57

Hmm, I think the parents are cheeky here.

family of 4, pay for 2.
single person, pays for 1 but has to sharewith free kids?

I think I would email round them all and breezily say - seems that the cost is not being fairly shared, lets's pay by bed, I seem to be subsidising all the kids, and then, despite paying more, I have to share a room!
It might set the cat amongst the pigeons, but it needs to be out in the open, not just between you and the organiser.

For what it is worth, when we did this, all the girls under 18 shared one room, all bunking in with mattresses on floor etc, and the 2 boys, slept in the lounge, so all adult had a room.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2021 11:01

@whatsthepointinwasps

Bluntness100

Op, instead of keeping saying what you don’t want, can you propose a room set up you’d be happy with?

What would that look like?

Basically my own room or at a push sharing with my younger grandsons, whom I have a bond with.

Bluntness that’s a well chosen name you have there :-)

Ok. But you need to be more helpful, just I’d like my own room really isn’t, and neither is saying I want to sleep with my grandsons and put thr grandad in with thr girls.

So suggest an alternate plan for everyone. Your daughter is trying to please everyone, suggest something better.

davidsSchitt · 26/01/2021 11:10

"Basically my own room or at a push sharing with my younger grandsons"

18 guests, 7 bedrooms and you want a room to yourself?! On reflection, YABU. I doubt the teens will be as rude to start falling out in front of you. What relation are you to them?

It mightn't be everyone's cup of tea but you've enjoyed these big group holidays before and for the sake of your daughter I'd grin and bear it (and tell the teens straight if they start).

If anyone should have a room of their own it's not you, it's the great grandad.

Sexnotgender · 26/01/2021 11:14

Why can’t the mother share with the teenage girls and the father with the boys?

You’re not there to facilitate their sex life.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/01/2021 11:15

18 guests, 7 bedrooms and you want a room to yourself?! On reflection, YABU.

But the parents of the kids are having a room to themselves (admittedly in a couple, but that is presumably their preference).

I would expect to have my own room tbh and have parents share with their own kids.

Cheator · 26/01/2021 11:17

Would you share with the grandmother rather than with the teen girls? That would make more sense to me.

Or as someone else suggested Mum share with the daughters and dad with the sons?

What relation are you to the teen girls?

BiddyPop · 26/01/2021 11:22

So it was to be:

Room 1 - downstairs - elderly DGGM (and potentially a teen DGNiece/DGD)
Room 2 - childless couple
Room 3 - Parents A
Room 4 - Parents B (with baby)
Room 5 - Parents C
Room 6 - DGF and 3 boys (in bunk beds)
Room 7 - DGM and 2 teen DNieces

And those rooms are being paid for split equally amongst the adults - so presumably 1/12th each (if 12 adults). (I half suspect, although OP has not said this, that it may be even less favourable and 1 share each for all households (perhaps not including DGGM) so whether a household is 1 adult or a family with up to 3 DCs, each household paying the same regardless of the number of beds or rooms used per household). And not:
DGGM x1
DGF x1
DGM x1
Childless Couple x2
Parents A x2 + (#DCsx0.5 share)
Parents B x2 + (#DCs x0.5share) (not including babe in arms)
Parents C x2 + (#DCs x0.5 share)

Adding up all those shares and then doing the ratio of (family shares/14.5). (being 12 adults and 5x0.5 DC shares - giving both teens and older boy benefit of a DC share not an adult share price)

And now, instead of recognising that the various DParents are being CFs about the older members of the party having to share with the youngest ones (except DBaby), the latest plan is to not only make it that OP won't enjoy some peace and respite generally (as she must share with bickering teens) but that she will probably pay MORE as the house will be bigger.

AND that she must SHARE with DGGM with dementia, for whom she is a carer, and from whom this is supposed to be a respite break that she needs!!

davidsSchitt · 26/01/2021 11:22

"12 adults, 4 teenagers, 1 preteen, smallish baby and 3 dogs."

That's the group. Basically 16 fully grown people and 2 not yet fully grown, one of whom (baby) is already in with their parents.

When the OP is saying "kids" - they're mostly adults. Giving one person their own room is a bit much. Should've gone for a more suitable house for the party.

The boys room sounds awful - how many are in that room?

PhatPhanny · 26/01/2021 11:24

Put all teens and kids in together if there are 3 bunkbeds in there and share with your grandad?

Sexnotgender · 26/01/2021 11:28

Or with the grandmother.

MiddleAgedLurker · 26/01/2021 11:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

namechangefail2020 · 26/01/2021 11:52

Piss take. If you don't have kids you should also be paying less

davidsSchitt · 26/01/2021 11:56

Is there even a single room for the OP? The accommodation is all wrong it seems logistically.

Why not all teens and the boy together and grandparents together?

Nunoftheother · 26/01/2021 12:04

Funnily enough when I asked why parents can’t share with their kids I was met with a ‘why do you think winking emoji times two’ reply.

On that case perhaps you should say that you like to have a daily wank while on holiday...

ouchmyfeet · 26/01/2021 12:06

@whatsthepointinwasps

What do you lot think of the camper van idea? I like it as it means next to no packing for me but .......I just fear the silent or not so silent recriminations when it comes to paying and using facilities that I haven’t paid for. Thinking along those lines I could offer a lump sum so no one can complain if I want to use the hot tub or sauna, is that reasonable?
This is what i was going to suggest. Pay a chunk towards the shared accommodation but not the bedrooms
LilyE1234 · 26/01/2021 12:08

I agree, the current set up is bizarre and it’s wrong to expect you to share with teenagers and subsidise the larger families.

But there is nothing more annoying when organising something than someone not keen on the accommodation suggested and not making any other suggestions - have you tried looking for and sharing any alternative accommodations?

We had a group of 24 of us a couple of years ago and found somewhere which had small adjoining barns (each with hot tub and en suite bedrooms - beds could be twins or doubles too) but the larger of the barns had a massive dining table which sat everyone so everyone had their own space for breakfast or could slope off to bed and not be disturbed, but dinner times were all spent together. Could this sort of thing work better with all the different family dynamics?

Cuntitinthebin · 26/01/2021 12:14

I wouldn't go. It's your holiday too.

TibetanTerrier · 26/01/2021 12:14

The whole thing sounds absolutely ghastly. I'd be getting in the camper and taking myself off somewhere peaceful and far away.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/01/2021 12:43

@Coffeekisses

You just need a spreadsheet which all costs can go into (including any petrol or maintenance costs for your campervan). Then an even split is worked out for everyone. No arguments - you just blame it on the spreadsheet. Be logical about it and take out the emotion. (And take your campervan - accommodation sounds very squished!)
Wouldn’t that mean it includes everybody’s travel costs? That’s bizarre and could end up more expensive...