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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be crying over argument with DD?

82 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 25/01/2021 17:28

She split with a guy a year or so ago. They were not together long. In truth, I think he used her to get over another woman. He was cruel to DD and yet managed to find a new partner very quickly on.
I told DD to block him on FB. No good will come of looking at his profile and it only makes her feel worse when she sees how happy he is and all the holidays and events he goes on. Yet she won't. Last night, we had a huge row. She was very down yet again as her ex was proclaiming his love for his girlfriend. I'm afraid to say I lost all patience. I told her I was sick and tired of her moping around after someone who has forgotten all about her. She then yelled at me that I don't know what it's like as I am in a very happy relationship.
She's now threatening to move in with a friend and I am sitting here crying as I just can't seem to help her move on. I know she is in her twenties but I hate seeing her like this.
Aibu to have lost my patience and to tell her to move on?

OP posts:

CrappingMyself · 25/01/2021 17:56

I can understand it's frustrating for you, seeing your daughter behaving like she is torturing herself over it. Have you asked her why she is doing it?

Having said that, she is obviously having difficulties moving on, and I dare say being in lock down again and not being able to go out and socialise (which could help her move on) is taking its toll.

It may be good for her to move out with a friend - how old is she?

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 17:58

Aw op.

I get your frustrations but that was not well handled.

Go and speak to her.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 25/01/2021 17:59

She will move on at her pace, not yours. It's not easy at the moment to move on though. Just bite your tongue and be there for her.

Original poster

LemonSherbetFancies · 25/01/2021 18:07

Early twenties and made redundant as well.
I know it's hard for her I do. But he has moved on and is very happy.
I don't know why she keeps looking at his FB. It upsets her so much everytime as she can see how happy he is when she feel the opposite.
But looking at his profile is just going to make her feel worse and has no positive benefit.

OP posts:

BlueSuffragette · 25/01/2021 18:08

Sorry this has happened OP. I remember it well with my eldest DD. Do you think this was your DD first love? They break your heart and can take a long time to get over. She isn't over him yet. Sometimes logic and reason goes out of the window. She sounds a bit depressed and low. Perhaps you should apologise and try and keep the communication channels open. Sounds like she needs emotional support. The lock down isn't helping people's moods either. Can you not try and just spend a day doing some mum and daughter stuff together? What does she like? Home made spa day, watching movies with pizza, walk in the snow and decent lunch etc? Time is a great healer. One day she will tell you he was a dickhead and wonder why she ever loved him. She's not there yet. She will one day, but in her own time. Best of luck to you and your DD.

DinosaurDigestive · 25/01/2021 18:17

I know how heartbreaking it is to see your daughter like that.

She will finally move on when she feels able to. I know that it seems the sensible thing to do to hit the block button but for her it will further signal the end of their relationship. With everything that is going on she will be finding their breakup more difficult than under normal circumstances.

I'm sure she won't be serious about moving and it was one of those things said in the heat of the moment. As even at that age it can be hard to see and understand that your Mum knows what is the best thing to do and only has best intentions at heart.

She will come round in her own time. I know that it will feel very frustrating especially as everything is so magnified right now with lockdown but she will eventually be able to move on when she feels ready and able to.

She will be hurt by how he treated her and also even more hurt by how quickly he seemed to move on and she will be wondering why the new girlfriend is being treated better by him. Even if she is being treated badly she won't know that as social media usually only portrays the so called best bits and what people want others to see. So she will be puzzled and upset and likely feeling bad about herself thinking he treated her badly due to it being her.

The best thing you can do is reassure her and let her know that you're there for her regardless. The fact she has been made redundant on top of all this will have magnified it all. She will no doubt be comparing her life to other people's and be thinking how different it could be. Normal to do that anyway and lockdown is magnifying that for so many people just now especially with lockdown last year too

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/01/2021 18:29

I reluctantly voted YANBU, as I think it’s very easy to dismiss a short relationship as unimportant. My first real love was a short but very intense relationship; I can’t explain how intense. I remember telling someone I was upset because I’d just broken up with my boyfriend... initially she was sympathetic, but when asked how long we’d been together she actually said ‘Oh, that’s alright then’ when I said it had only been a couple of months. I wanted to cry.

However, I DID vote YANBU, because you were right to tell her to stop torturing herself. Endlessly poring over his social media will do her no good whatsoever. She’s looking for some clue to or reason why they split - and unfortunately, sometimes there isn’t one.

Radishesandcake · 25/01/2021 18:36

Think of it that it's lovely she can talk to you about her feelings about this. My dm was not supportive and was very judgemental and I could never share this sort of upset with her. I was heartbroken about breaking up with my first love and couldn't talk to her about it. I think your dd will look back in the future and be glad she could come to you with stuff that bothers her. Can you make her a cup of tea and tell her you want her to be happy and you know she'll get over this guy in her own time as she's a lovely, beautiful girl with lots of adventures ahead of her. It's not like it's been an easy year to move on and have fun and meet lots of other guys. She probably needs her Mum to have her back and be there for her to help her be brave to face a tricky world for young people right now. I read a study recently that when people are lonely they spend more time thinking about the past and future. Maybe she's caught up in the memories as it's difficult to make plans right now.

user194729573 · 25/01/2021 18:46

Generally speaking, humans do not have the ability to "move on" from a loss on cue because somebody else commanded they should.

You say he was cruel to her. When a person who hurts you is also the person who comforts you afterwards it can cause trauma bonding. That could be in play here.

And plenty of people post on SM about their super happy loved up life because that's what they want people to think, doesn't mean it's true.

She does also have a fair point that you don't understand. I mean, that's the point of you posting here.

Telling her what to do isn't going to work. Better to ask questions and listen to her answers. If you do anything.

She's an adult, she doesn't need you to jump in and rescue her but to support her.

Whitecup4 · 25/01/2021 18:46

First heart break, always the most painful. Yabu to loose it with her, even though I can absolutely understand it’s grinding your gears!

Have you ever been broken hearted? Can take a long time to get over, but eventually she will. In the mean time probably best she doesn’t feel like she has lost the love of her life (even though WE all know he isn’t that) and her mother too. So I’d back up if I was you and just keep going with being supportive instead. If she can’t moan to her mother, who can she moan too?

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2021 18:50

She's doing it because torturing yourself over how happy he is and how you'll never be happy again is part of breaking u and being heart broken and being young.
I'd tell her you're sorry you shouted, you just hate to see her so unhappy and suggest something that will be nice for you both - glass of wine, movie, I've cream, hug.

You don't need to UNDERSTAND why she does it, just accept that she is and be supportive of her pain. Yes reassure her that the pain wil lessen, she is wonderful, she'll find someone else etc but don't tell her it wasn't serious or she shouldn't feel this way

Iwonder08 · 25/01/2021 19:20

I don't like the sound of it at all. It is her break up, she will figure out how to get over it in her way. You sound very intense, and now you are crying like it is all about you. If you want to be supportive suggest a nice takeaway or go for a walk in a park together. Don't lecture her and definitely don't shout

Original poster

LemonSherbetFancies · 25/01/2021 19:24

She's not young young though. In her twenties yes but not a young teenager.
It has been a long time now and I feel it's becoming an obsession. I am tired of hearing about him. Life isn't fair. I keep trying to tell her that and my friend who is in the same position. He isn't a nice person but he is happy now, very much so. Part of life is learning that good things happen to people who aren't particularly nice. All she is doing is torturing herself and I am fed up of the moods she gets into after he has posted a photo.
He is happy so she needs to be as well. Part of helping herself is learning when to us the block button so she doesn't have to see how well he is doing and how happy he is. She will never get over him until she does that.
I also agree with whoever mentioned trauma bonding. That is a very true sense of that I feel.

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 19:29

@LemonSherbetFancies

She's not young young though. In her twenties yes but not a young teenager. It has been a long time now and I feel it's becoming an obsession. I am tired of hearing about him. Life isn't fair. I keep trying to tell her that and my friend who is in the same position. He isn't a nice person but he is happy now, very much so. Part of life is learning that good things happen to people who aren't particularly nice. All she is doing is torturing herself and I am fed up of the moods she gets into after he has posted a photo. He is happy so she needs to be as well. Part of helping herself is learning when to us the block button so she doesn't have to see how well he is doing and how happy he is. She will never get over him until she does that. I also agree with whoever mentioned trauma bonding. That is a very true sense of that I feel.

OP you need to try and be more understanding.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/01/2021 19:32

I agree - you need to be more understanding.

Pillowcase123 · 25/01/2021 19:39

Wow, not the most empathetic are you OP?

I get that it must be frustrating for you but this isnt about you, it's about your DD who is struggling. You risk really damaging your relationship with her here if you carry on making it all about how fed up hearing about you are

aintnothinbutagstring · 25/01/2021 19:47

Probably harder for her at the moment as we all know the best way to get over heartbreak at that age is a good night out with friends, and she can't even do that at the moment. I remember having similar arguments with my own mother at that age and even with my sister's about our loser boyfriends, 'oh can't you just get over him?', 'well you was the same when you broke up with so and so'. You know they mean well but heartbreak heals in its own sweet time unfortunately. Distraction is best, encourage her to reach out to her girlfriends. I think you are right about social media, there's a thing on FB where you don't unfriend someone but you 'take a break' and their posts don't appear in your feeds and I think they can only see the bare minimum of her profile, think it was created for the trying to forget your ex situation.

SnowFields · 25/01/2021 19:54

Your poor DD. Maybe you should just step back and leave your DD to get over the relationship (or not get over it) in her own way and own time. I doubt you trying to manage what and how you think she should feel helps.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 20:14

@Pillowcase123

Wow, not the most empathetic are you OP?

Quite.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/01/2021 20:21

Life isn’t fair. I keep trying to tell her that and my friend who is in the same position.

Well this is the first thing you have to stop doing. It won’t be news to either of them - and it certainly isn’t welcome. It’s the equivalent of sitting down with someone depressed and saying ‘But why are you depressed?’ before listing all the reasons they shouldn’t be.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2021 20:41

Op what were you doing at her age? Settled? Single etc?

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 20:42

@SleepingStandingUp

Op what were you doing at her age? Settled? Single etc?

With all the experience of blocking first boyfriend on social media...oh wait .

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2021 20:44

No need to be snarky @RootyT00t I'm just wondering if there's a mismatch in experience which is making op so unempathetic

Hankunamatata · 25/01/2021 20:47

I think after a year my patience would be running thin to op

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/01/2021 20:49

It's not been a normal year though. A lot of peoples mental health is struggling with everything that's gone on with covid and lockdowns and having to deal with a relationship breakdown on top of that is awful.

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