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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be crying over argument with DD?

82 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 25/01/2021 17:28

She split with a guy a year or so ago. They were not together long. In truth, I think he used her to get over another woman. He was cruel to DD and yet managed to find a new partner very quickly on.
I told DD to block him on FB. No good will come of looking at his profile and it only makes her feel worse when she sees how happy he is and all the holidays and events he goes on. Yet she won't. Last night, we had a huge row. She was very down yet again as her ex was proclaiming his love for his girlfriend. I'm afraid to say I lost all patience. I told her I was sick and tired of her moping around after someone who has forgotten all about her. She then yelled at me that I don't know what it's like as I am in a very happy relationship.
She's now threatening to move in with a friend and I am sitting here crying as I just can't seem to help her move on. I know she is in her twenties but I hate seeing her like this.
Aibu to have lost my patience and to tell her to move on?

OP posts:

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 25/01/2021 20:50

You’re not wrong in the sense that she should block him but clearly it’s not that easy. In the last year she’s split up with a man who might well be a spanner but she clearly cared about, lost her job and all the ways she’s usually get over these set backs like finding a new job, meeting someone else or even going out with her friends to take her mind off the bad shite she’s going through, is off the cards for the foreseeable future.

NerrSnerr · 25/01/2021 20:50

I remember when my first proper boyfriend dumped me when I was 19. We were only together 7 months (and he was abroad for 3 months of it) but I was devastated. It took me a long while to get over it. I was irrational and a state but got over it in my own time.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/01/2021 20:52

Going against the grain, I'm going to say YANBU OP. It's been an entire YEAR for pete's sake! If her moods are having a negative affect on the rest of the family I think OP has every right to say come on now, this was a brief relationship, it's been a whole year, block him, and chin up. Maybe she needs to grow up a wee bit? Twenty-somethings tend to be very self-absorbed these days.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2021 20:53

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

It's not been a normal year though. A lot of peoples mental health is struggling with everything that's gone on with covid and lockdowns and having to deal with a relationship breakdown on top of that is awful.

This. She can't go out with her girl friends and get drunk and slag him off, she can't get over him by getting under someone else, she can't fill up her night's with fun things and laughter and distraction. She hasn't even got work to distract her and little hope of getting a new one. She's just in perpetual ground hog where the only thing that changes is how much happier he gets every day

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:00

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

OP is the grown adult crying because DD didn't like her advice.

DD isn't the self absorbed one.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:01

@SleepingStandingUp absolutely.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 25/01/2021 21:04

@LemonSherbetFancies

Early twenties and made redundant as well. I know it's hard for her I do. But he has moved on and is very happy. I don't know why she keeps looking at his FB. It upsets her so much everytime as she can see how happy he is when she feel the opposite. But looking at his profile is just going to make her feel worse and has no positive benefit.

She probably just misses him. What she's going though is completely normal and things will get better for her. She just needs time to get over things at her own pace.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:05

@SleepingStandingUp

No need to be snarky *@RootyT00t* I'm just wondering if there's a mismatch in experience which is making op so unempathetic

Oh I was being snarky , but not to you! I was agreeing with you, and pointing out that Ops experience will have been much different! Should have made that clearer.

Psssst I'm kimchi and on most threads we are the same mind so I would never disagree with you

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/01/2021 21:14

rooty DD is also a grown adult remember. OP states she was crying because she can't seem to help her move on, not because DD didn't like her advice. Its very clear OP doesn't feel great about losing patience, but a year is a bloody long time to still be moping about an arse of a boyfriend

MechantGourmet · 25/01/2021 21:15

Does she generally have low self esteem? I can't see why after a year, and him treating her badly, she is still wanting him

She needs to move on.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:16

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Yes, but early 20s - which one of us hasn't been there ?!

Not in these times it isn't.
And even if it was, OP is blatantly making things worse and doesn't seem to get why. I don't think OP feels bad about the patience , she feels bad because DD has kicked off.

Which I think we all would, in those circumstances.

Hottesttrikeintown · 25/01/2021 21:17

I always compare it to addiction. You know logically it’s not good for you but actually stopping is easier said than done. With friends in that situation I try not to advise much (as their logical side knows it all) but I understand how tough and frustrating it is

GhostCurry · 25/01/2021 21:18

@SleepingStandingUp

No need to be snarky *@RootyT00t* I'm just wondering if there's a mismatch in experience which is making op so unempathetic

She’s agreeing with you!!

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:18

Thanks Ghost. I maybe worded it badly.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/01/2021 21:21

There's a fair few assumptions there Rooty- OP hasn't even given her exact age

whenwillthemadnessend · 25/01/2021 21:22

When I was young the best way to get over someone was to get under someone. Lol. Jesting a bit but how can she move on in the shit time She can't go to bars and flirt with new men Can't even bloody flirt at work

All she has is wallowing time I'd apologise and try to look to the future in a positive way.

AramintaLee · 25/01/2021 21:23

Hi OP. I can remember being in a similar situation when I was in my early 20s. I was broken up with by a guy who I was seeing and he moved on within a few weeks (with a work colleague which was just awful) Even though he was horrible to me through our relationship - emotionally abusive and manipulative - I obsessed over the break up and over him. I honestly don't know what got into me... he wasn't even that nice or attractive. I can only think it was a pride and vanity thing having been dumped for someone else.

All I can tell you is I got over it. I left the job to give me some distance and blocked him everywhere and that DID help. It's so weird looking back because I cringe at how I obsessed over him. I want to slap my 23 year old self.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/01/2021 21:27

I must admit I was pretty stupid in my early twenties too. Cringey. So. If we want to slap ourselves looking back, is it any wonder we lose patience with our similarly dozy young adults? Parents need cutting a bit of slack sometimes.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:28

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

There's a fair few assumptions there Rooty- OP hasn't even given her exact age

DD is 22. Facebook has been around what, 25 years ?

So I'm assuming when OP had her first heartbreak, there wasn't much social media around.

I'm not knocking her. When I went though my first heartbreak, god it was devastating, but you moved on quicker because you didn't have to see them everywhere you looked.

I'm not trying to be harsh. But I think encouraging OP in this manner when it is clear her relationship with DD is struggling is not wise. We've all been there, and whether DD is being ridiculous at this point or not is completely irrelevant.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:28

Sorry - 15 years to Facebook . Typo.

Eeeemac · 25/01/2021 21:30

Here we go again with the, 'you must be eternally patient, understanding and perfect because you once had sex, fell pregnant and gave birth to a child'.

No, sorry, you fucking don't. You are also a human, just like every poster here (including the ones who seem to think they are mother Theresa).

You have been empathetic, you have listened, you have been there for your daughter. Today, you lost your patience. Good. You are human.

Don't feel bad about it, don't let people guilt trip you into thinking you were wrong. You were not.

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:31

@Eeeemac

Here we go again with the, 'you must be eternally patient, understanding and perfect because you once had sex, fell pregnant and gave birth to a child'.

No, sorry, you fucking don't. You are also a human, just like every poster here (including the ones who seem to think they are mother Theresa).

You have been empathetic, you have listened, you have been there for your daughter. Today, you lost your patience. Good. You are human.

Don't feel bad about it, don't let people guilt trip you into thinking you were wrong. You were not.

I don't think anyone is trying to guilt trip her. Just to help her see it from DDS side.

Nobody said she had to be perfect. But there's a massive spectrum between perfect and what you're saying , @Eeeemac

Original poster

LemonSherbetFancies · 25/01/2021 21:43

I can't sit there and say to her 'He isn't really happy. It's fake as Facebook is.' Because it isn't always fake.
DP and I are examples of that. We post quite frequently on Facebook but are very happy.
I honestly think that even if dd had been able to go out and work and socialise, she would be the same. He has this weird hold over her. She is waiting for his life to eff up but it won't anytime soon. He is having a great time and is clearly very much in love.
It hurts like hell for her and I get that. I don't get why he should get all this happiness after how he behaves especially towards DD. But that's life. It may sound cold but she is wasting her life on this guy who does not think about her once. I definitely think it's a trauma bond which she can't for whatever reason let go of.

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 25/01/2021 21:45

@LemonSherbetFancies

I can't sit there and say to her 'He isn't really happy. It's fake as Facebook is.' Because it isn't always fake. DP and I are examples of that. We post quite frequently on Facebook but are very happy. I honestly think that even if dd had been able to go out and work and socialise, she would be the same. He has this weird hold over her. She is waiting for his life to eff up but it won't anytime soon. He is having a great time and is clearly very much in love. It hurts like hell for her and I get that. I don't get why he should get all this happiness after how he behaves especially towards DD. But that's life. It may sound cold but she is wasting her life on this guy who does not think about her once. I definitely think it's a trauma bond which she can't for whatever reason let go of.

Even more reason to be patient OP. If it is a trauma bond all the logic in the world won't help.

Odd that she wants him to hurt though. Does she still love him? Or can she just not get over what he did?

Please don't think I was being arsey. A sensitive topic as my own mother wasn't particularly...kind, on areas like this , so if I've come across harsh I apologise

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/01/2021 21:49

I think if he was cruel to her, it can be so unbearable to see him happy it can take so much longer to get over, all the more reason she MUST stop torturing herself by stalking him on social media. I mean, why do that to herself? There's no sense in it.

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