To be crying over argument with DD?

[LemonSherbetFancies]

She split with a guy a year or so ago. They were not together long. In truth, I think he used her to get over another woman. He was cruel to DD and yet managed to find a new partner very quickly on.
I told DD to block him on FB. No good will come of looking at his profile and it only makes her feel worse when she sees how happy he is and all the holidays and events he goes on. Yet she won't. Last night, we had a huge row. She was very down yet again as her ex was proclaiming his love for his girlfriend. I'm afraid to say I lost all patience. I told her I was sick and tired of her moping around after someone who has forgotten all about her. She then yelled at me that I don't know what it's like as I am in a very happy relationship.
She's now threatening to move in with a friend and I am sitting here crying as I just can't seem to help her move on. I know she is in her twenties but I hate seeing her like this.
Aibu to have lost my patience and to tell her to move on?

I don't think you can make her move on, you can't get her to accept that life is hard and therefore she needs to get over herself. That part of your post is on a hiding to nothing.

Having said that, you can ask nicely that she doesn't burden you with it all the time and that she tries to control herself in public. Having to support someone for such a long time is exhausting.

@RootyT00t all forgiven 🤣

It sounds like you’ve offered more judgement than support to her. If you’re constantly posting happy couple photos yourself on FB, why not show some empathy and solidarity with your daughter and both you and her come off social media for a while and do something meaningful together as mother and daughter? You can support each other through a social media detox and use it as a way to bond. Fill the SM void with something else. If you don’t want to show your DD understanding though and just want to judge her, it’s probably better for her if she moves out.

I'm not constantly posting happy social media photos.
But DP and I do post genuine, happy photos because we are very happy together. Facebook isn't as fake as people make out.
My point is, this has been going on a long time. I know it's horrible for her to see his happiness plastered all over FB and I know he posts comments like 'My beautiful girlfriend. So gorgeous.' . It destroys DD and yet she still does it. She won't help herself. I may sound judgemental but this has been going on a long time. Like I said, I feel she would have been the same even if coronavirus wasn't happening.

Maybe unpopular and should maybe don my hard hat but it's been a year... and they weren't in a long term relationship.

I think I'd probably have reacted the same out of sheer frustration at how pathetic that is. Does she listen to you at all when you try to explain to her how unproductive looking at SM is and how it's been a blooming year....?

Something about the way the OP talks about the ex is really... weird. So emphatic about how happy he is - how on earth would she know??

I think if it were me I'd be more worried about my daughter than annoyed with her. A whole year is a long time to pine, even bearing in mind we've all been in a sort of suspended animation state this year.

I think it is a real shame your natural impulse is to snap your daughter out of it instead of wanting to understand and support. She's not a toddler crying over a dropped ice cream cone. She's a young woman who (it sounds like) has had an abusive relationship which she's struggling to leave mentally.

Is it just me who finds this sort of thing bloody weird as well??

But DP and I do post genuine, happy photos because we are very happy together. Facebook isn't as fake as people make out.

For the OP as the mother of the broken hearted DD to be so identified with her cruel ex... it's just... weird! I mean isn't it a mother's god given duty to want any guy who even looks at her daughter the wrong way to get a hideous case of testicle-rot? Rather than banging on about how happy his relationship is, and she knows that because of how happy HER relationship is?

Dunno. Just comes across incredibly peculiar to me!

My point is that DD wants him to be unhappy. She wants to look on his social media and see that he is not doing well. She wants to look at the very happy photos and nice comments and believe they are fake. None of this is doing her any good. Because they are happy. I see them in person from time to time and I do believe it's genuine.
DD wants him to hurt like she is. She wants him to be as unhappy as she is. He is not. Pretending he is and buying into that to her by saying ' His Facebook is all fake don't worry.' Well, that would be lying to her.
I don't emphasise with him at all. He is a total prick. But I do know when a relationship is happy as I am in one. It isn't about emphasising with him at all.

OP I was the same as your daughter in my early twenties - ended up getting actual clinical depression after my horrible boyfriend dumped me and then moved on with another girl. I couldn’t stop myself stalking his fbk page even though I knew it would hurt me, it was horrible! My mum was also quite dismissive of my feelings and I can tell you, it didn’t help!

It’s just down to experience. When I had my next break up in my late twenties it was like my mind refused to let me go back to that dark place - I deleted him on all social media and deleted all photos of us from my phone the same evening he dumped me! It was still hard for a while but not torturous. But that was during normal times, when I could go on holiday and date new people. I can’t imagine what it’s like in lockdown!

In your position I would just nod and make vague noises to show you’re listening when she speaks about him - don’t either have a go at her or indulge her. Do lots of nice things with her to distract and lift her up. And encourage her to do as much exercise and socialising as possible (even if it’s virtual socialising, but hopefully there are some friends she can meet nearby for a walk?)

First heart break is awful, and can take many years to get over it

It must be especially hard when Facebook enables you to keep following your ex

And during a pandemic when most of the other fun stuff and distractions aren't possible

And after redundancy

I'm not surprised she's not coping well. I think YABU

I do get where DD is coming from as well. Like I say, her and my friend who is a lot older are going through the same and both having to watch their horrible ex's in very happy relationships. I don't get it either. But waiting for someone's life to eff up to be happy again is only harming her amd certainly not him who most likely has completely forgotten about her.

@LemonSherbetFancies

My point is that DD wants him to be unhappy. She wants to look on his social media and see that he is not doing well. She wants to look at the very happy photos and nice comments and believe they are fake. None of this is doing her any good. Because they are happy. I see them in person from time to time and I do believe it's genuine

Why on EARTH do you still see him??? He emotionally abused your daughter, he is her ex. You have no reason to have anything to do with him. No wonder she's having a hard time letting it go if her own mother has such a weird lack of boundaries!

DD wants him to hurt like she is. She wants him to be as unhappy as she is. He is not. Pretending he is and buying into that to her by saying ' His Facebook is all fake don't worry.' Well, that would be lying to her.

You don't have to lie. You just have to say "Facebook never tells the true story" (it doesn't, there's no lie there), "and anyway it doesn't matter if he's happy or not, you are better off without him, he is cruel. Let's all just pretend he doesn't exist!"

I don't emphasise with him at all. He is a total prick. But I do know when a relationship is happy as I am in one. It isn't about emphasising with him at all

Ummm... you being in a happy relationship yourself doesn't give you some sort of spidey-sense about whether other people's relationships are happy or not. Why on earth would it?? What a very weird presumption.

Frankly it feels to me like you like winning, and winners, and you currently see your daughter as a loser. It really comes across as cold and heartless as that. And given that's how you are presenting yoursaelf, when you are 100% in control of how you present and it's only your side of the story, I imagine the reality may be even worse.

I remember being early 20s and got serious with what can only be described, as an absolute loser. Pot head, no job, workshy. You know the type.

He was gorgeous though and had a golden cock, and I fell hook, line and sinker.

After about a year, he dumped me, after treating me rather bad. Standing me up on numerous occasions.

I didn't even think how sad it must have made my mum seeing me going out with someone like him.

She was sympathetic to a point and that must have been through gritted teeth, until one day she had had enough of my moping and told me she was glad he dumped me because he was a 'no hoper' and wasn't worthy of me.

I was all 'but you don't understand. I love hiiiiiim'

Didn't take me long to see she was absolutely right.

What I'm trying to say OP, is that she will come round and realise that mums do know best 😝.

Facebook never tells the whole story that should have read.

@LemonSherbetFancies

But waiting for someone's life to eff up to be happy again is only harming her amd certainly not him who most likely has completely forgotten about her

See this stuff. Why?? There is no need to be so fucking cruel! You can encourage her to move on without harping endlessly on about how fucking happy he is and how little she matters to him! The focus should be on getting her to a place where he doesn't matter to her. Constantly banging on about how he used her and dropped her and never gave a fuck will just increase her feelings of worthlessness. Seriously would this "life's a bitch, just deal with it" approach work on anyone??

I'm not surprised you lost patience - after a year! That's far too unhealthy for all sorts of reasons. It's not even been on and off during that time - he has clearly moved on. I doubt she wants him back but more a case of her life being unfulfilled atm, so she's dwelling on him.
Maybe a lame solution but how about going on some dating sites, have a bit of a laugh together and who knows, she might see someone of interest and they might start chatting. She obviously needs something positive in her life. You're Mum, you apologise and tell her calmly you are worried about her and ask what if anything you can do to make her life brighter.

As if I would go and socialise with him.
We have a lot of connections who know him and the girlfriend. It is genuinely happy. I don't say all of this to make DD feel bad but sometimes you have to give tough love. It has as I say, been a long time. I also don't agree that Facebook is fake. It isn't for myself and DP so it probably isn't for DD's ex either. A lot of people like to say 'Oh they hate each other really.' If I said that to DD it would be a lie and would not help her. I have been supportive, endlessly so. But this is getting too much now.
I have had more than my fair share of relationship ups and downs. I am very fortunate now but I have not been in the past. Ok, FB was not around then which made things easier but the best thing I did for myself was throwing away the reminders and moving on with life.
DD needs to do that so she can be as happy as her ex.

@LemonSherbetFancies

We have a lot of connections who know him and the girlfriend. It is genuinely happy

Why not, instead of telling your child you're fed up of hearing about her unhappiness, tell these 'connections' you're not interested in hearing about your child's abusive ex and his wonderful life???

"tough love" is invariably the defense of someone who can't be arsed with actual love. You know, the kind that is patient and kind.

I'd be interested to know what your definition of 'support her endlessly' has been over the past year, since it seems mainly to involve keeping up with her ex either in person or via mutual friends, telling her how well her ex has moved on, how happy he is, and how she ought to be following his example. Just.... weird.

Really it’s irrelevant whether he is genuinely happy with the new girl or if, in reality, things are a bit less perfect. He’s not coming back to the OP’s daughter either way. Waiting to see a facade slip on Facebook is unhealthy - because even if it does, it still doesn’t mean she gets what she wants.

Your “snap out of it” approach towards your DD isn’t working but you don’t seem to want to try a different tack.

@LemonSherbetFancies

My point is that DD wants him to be unhappy. She wants to look on his social media and see that he is not doing well. She wants to look at the very happy photos and nice comments and believe they are fake. None of this is doing her any good. Because they are happy. I see them in person from time to time and I do believe it's genuine. DD wants him to hurt like she is. She wants him to be as unhappy as she is. He is not. Pretending he is and buying into that to her by saying ' His Facebook is all fake don't worry.' Well, that would be lying to her. I don't emphasise with him at all. He is a total prick. But I do know when a relationship is happy as I am in one. It isn't about emphasising with him at all.

Eh?

You think you know wherhr this lad is happy based on a Facebook photo?

No wonder she's losing the plot with you! It must be so helpful to hear but look how happy he looks DD!

You have got to find another way to deal with this OP.

Really it’s irrelevant whether he is genuinely happy with the new girl or if, in reality, things are a bit less perfect.

Well exactly! So why is the OP so determined to rub it in to her daughter how genuinely, really joyous his life and new relationship is? What's the benefit of that? Why not focus on the fact it doesn't matter if he's dead in a ditch or king of the Bahamas - what matters is her, and her life!

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@LemonSherbetFancies

We have a lot of connections who know him and the girlfriend. It is genuinely happy

Why not, instead of telling your child you're fed up of hearing about her unhappiness, tell these 'connections' you're not interested in hearing about your child's abusive ex and his wonderful life???

"tough love" is invariably the defense of someone who can't be arsed with actual love. You know, the kind that is patient and kind.

I'd be interested to know what your definition of 'support her endlessly' has been over the past year, since it seems mainly to involve keeping up with her ex either in person or via mutual friends, telling her how well her ex has moved on, how happy he is, and how she ought to be following his example. Just.... weird.[/quote]
Agreed.

@LemonSherbetFancies

As if I would go and socialise with him. We have a lot of connections who know him and the girlfriend. It is genuinely happy. I don't say all of this to make DD feel bad but sometimes you have to give tough love. It has as I say, been a long time. I also don't agree that Facebook is fake. It isn't for myself and DP so it probably isn't for DD's ex either. A lot of people like to say 'Oh they hate each other really.' If I said that to DD it would be a lie and would not help her. I have been supportive, endlessly so. But this is getting too much now. I have had more than my fair share of relationship ups and downs. I am very fortunate now but I have not been in the past. Ok, FB was not around then which made things easier but the best thing I did for myself was throwing away the reminders and moving on with life. DD needs to do that so she can be as happy as her ex.

It's not one or the other. You don't have to tell her it's fake.

Have you tried - DD it hurts to see it now but he was awful to you and you deserve better etc etc etc ?

Not - oh look how much happier he is so you must move on?

@SleepingStandingUp 😘