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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're careful with money and in a long term relationship

90 replies

Docugirl · 23/01/2021 23:41

AIBU to think my DH shouldn't take money off me for his birthday present when he knows I'm broke?

For context, we're together 20 years and he has always been careful with money. Until we had kids I worked full time and we always split everything. We jointly decided that I would stay at home for a few years while the kids were small and I hate to admit it but he hasn't always been forthcoming with money.

For the past few years, I've worked part time, during term time. As soon as I started working again, I took back any costs for myself he had covered, I haven't asked him for a cent for myself, I pay for all the kids clothes, health insurance, all the costs in running my car, have contributed to any big expenses in the house e.g. new boiler. Our DD had some unexpected medical costs this month (200 quid approx), my car tax bill is coming up (roughly the same) I wasn't working over Christmas so I'm flat broke. It's his birthday this month, usually I buy him something but the shops are closed (lockdown) so he's chosen his gift and wants 100 euro from me. I told him I wouldn't have it for a few weeks and mentioned medical costs, he said he can wait...

If you are someone who is careful with money, is this what you would do? You see, I wouldn't take money from him if I knew he was struggling. Btw, he had cards, a cake (which he insists on), breakfast in bed and some small gifts (plant and other little things) a nice lazy day, his birthday is always celebrated. I just know there is no way I would take money off him like that.

He usually gets a decent bonus, which he works hard for and deserves. He doesn't blow it all on himself and does put some of it into the house but out of about 3000 after tax, he might give me 200. Is that a bit mean? We have no debt other than mortgage. He accidentally did 2 transfers to my account after the bonus and I had to give the second one back. I think I would have said keep it. My dsis was surprised when I told her.

There's more examples but the birthday thing has really gotten to me. I am not perfect but I'm generous with money and emotionally. We're together so long, I just don't know what's reasonable any more.

So yes Aibu for being upset about this or no ianbu and I'm right, he's a bit mean?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/01/2021 23:44

He’s more than a bit mean. I don’t understand how you could live like this fit so long.

combatbarbie · 23/01/2021 23:45

Why are you paying medical costs and kids clothes etc?? This should at the very least be joint payments

TheSandgroper · 23/01/2021 23:49

He’s had his birthday gift from you. His daughter is back to rude health. What more does he require in life?

Original poster
Docugirl · 23/01/2021 23:53

Well as the main earner he pay for everything else , so I should take on family costs too. He does buy me nice birthday presents too, although I don't have any expectations. Thanks for replying. I'm curious if anyone who considers themself careful with money would be the same.

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 23/01/2021 23:56

OP I couldn't live like that. All our money is shared family money. And yes I am careful with money and not sure what that's got to do with anything.

Original poster
Docugirl · 24/01/2021 00:01

Thanks for replying. I suppose I feel it's been like this for so long, it's too late to try to change it. I think I wanted some opinions.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 24/01/2021 00:04

@Docugirl

Well as the main earner he pay for everything else , so I should take on family costs too. He does buy me nice birthday presents too, although I don't have any expectations. Thanks for replying. I'm curious if anyone who considers themself careful with money would be the same.
My husband is careful with money. He’s also generous. Expects to contribute to every aspect of family expenses and expects me to have the same financial freedom as him in spite of my earning considerably less.

Your husband is a tight-fisted arsehole - how you can’t see it is beyond me.

AmberItsACertainty · 24/01/2021 00:05

He's taking the piss. If you buy a present for someone YOU choose it according to your budget. If your budget is zero so be it. He doesn't get to pick a present and demand you pay. He's using you as a cash cow in general anyway. This relationship isn't a partnership.

MadamBatty · 24/01/2021 00:05

He’s a mean shitebag

You’re killing yourself trying to be ‘fair’. He doesn’t care, gimme gimme gimme.

He needs. Kick up the hole.

Milkshake7489 · 24/01/2021 00:08

He's more than mean, he's financially abusive.

Do you have anyone you can speak to for support?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 24/01/2021 00:09

Well as the main earner he pay for everything else , so I should take on family costs too

If the children's expenses and health are were split in line with your earnings and the house costs also then it would be a fair split.

Why, if you're married is it even a consideration who earns more? It's all counted as joint money in the event of a split so you should both have equal "fun" money after all the bills are paid.

This really is about more than a birthday present.

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:10

Just say he can keep his contribution to the medical costs for the present. Or just say you already got him a present within your budget and you can't afford this present.

Tbh he sounds fiinancially abusive. Why doesn't he pay (and proportionally) towards the DC?

Original poster
Docugirl · 24/01/2021 00:11

Never considered myself a cash cow! Don't think he does either tbh. It's good to hear others opinions though. I posed the question to those who consider themselves careful with money because, while I'm not careless myself, I would splash out on something every now and then if I can, especially if it's for someone I love.

OP posts:
Sh05 · 24/01/2021 00:15

I don't think I would say he's careful with money but that actually he is really tight with it.
Why are medical costs falling on you when you only work part time?
If the children are his as well them I'm sorry that's just very tight

GlowingOrb · 24/01/2021 00:15

I’m careful with money, in a long term relationship, and understand that if one partner makes career sacrifices because there are children in the family, the other partner is morally obligated to financially support the sacrificing partner. The easiest way to do this is by pooling money and budgeting the same amount of discretionary income for each person. An alternative is a direct payment from the partner whose career has not been impacted.

So no, I wouldn’t expect a birthday present when the sacrificing parent was strapped for cash because that would never happen unless the entire household was needing to watch spending.

AmberItsACertainty · 24/01/2021 00:17

Look at it this way, all the costs for the house etc, he'd be paying those whether you lived there or not. You're working part time due to childcare commitments? So not entirely your choice. He shouldn't be treating you like a housemate who he's expecting to contribute to all the bills 50/50 when you're earning so much less than him. And the children aren't your hobby, they're his dependents too so he should pay towards their costs. He's not 'careful' with money, he's tight with his own money but happy to spend yours freely. That he throws you the occasional gift doesn't make up for it. His wages don't belong to him when you're at home looking after his children, if it's a partnership and you're equal then he should share. That's how I see it.

LaceyBetty · 24/01/2021 00:20

This is so far from my reality and that of most people I know who are married. I am by far the main bread winner in my family, but my money is family money. My DH has full and unfettered access to it (he doesn't take the piss). IMO the life your are living is off the charts wrong. I am not saying that to be mean to you, this just makes for dad reading and I hope you realise this is NOT normal. I know not all couples share money, but this is beyond.

LaceyBetty · 24/01/2021 00:22

*sad, not dad reading.

Original poster
Docugirl · 24/01/2021 00:26

Thank you for replying. I have raised it before and he offered money a little more regularly but not much and I feel I have to fight for things before he'll accept I might be right. I should clarify, he didn't demand 100 euro but once we realised shops were closed, he said he would look online and then chose things that came to about 100. I would usually spend that on him (sometimes more sometimes less) Then I had the medical expenses, then remembered my car tax and I thought he'd let it go.

If I ask for money he will give it to me but I don't want to have to ask and justify, feels a bit demeaning.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 24/01/2021 00:27

I'd buy him fuck all, OP, tbh. Ever.

AmberItsACertainty · 24/01/2021 00:29

I say cash cow because of things like the boiler. If he lived alone those expenses are all his. You earn less, so why does he take money from you for stuff like that, which he'd have to pay if you lived there or not? Because he gets to keep more of his wages that way. Leaving you to scrape by bringing the children up and taking care of yourself, on what little you earn. It's using you, it's not considering your value in the relationship to be equal to his, it's not sharing resources with you it's taking resources from you. It's despicable.

My ex used to do it too. Took me a long time to wake up to it due to my upbringing skewing my perspective on what's reasonable behaviour.

Pollypudding · 24/01/2021 00:31

This is very far from reasonable or fair behaviour from your “D”H. I think you may have lost your perspective on what is normal behaviour after almost 20 years of financial abuse. Either pool all money or have joint account for all living expenses and separate accounts with equal allowances out of which you CHOOSE how much to spend on a birthday present or anything else. And honestly giving you €200 from a bonus of €3000 is an absolute insult. The bonus is joint income too. Honestly this has given me the absolute rage- how can one person in a couple be broke and the other rolling in it 🤬

AmberItsACertainty · 24/01/2021 00:31

If I ask for money he will give it to me but I don't want to have to ask and justify, feels a bit demeaning.

That's because it is. When he spends the money does he justify his decisions to you? I'll bet not.

AmberItsACertainty · 24/01/2021 00:33

honestly giving you €200 from a bonus of €3000 is an absolute insult.

Like putting his hand in his pocket at the end of the month and tossing OP the loose change.

FlyingPandas · 24/01/2021 00:34

No, OP. This is not normal. In any way shape or form. This is not being 'careful with money', or even 'tight'; this is being controlling and, as others have pointed out, financially abusive.

FWIW I am similar to you in that I have been married 20 years, have DC, work PT in a term time only role and for the same childcare related reasons. DH is a high earner in a full time job. I read your OP with total bafflement and increasing anger. My DH would never in a million years put me in the kind of position you are in. The income you each earn should be shared and split so that bills are covered and you each have a similar amount to spend on stuff you want. He gives you £200 out of a £3000 bonus? And demands £100 spent on a gift and 'has' to have a cake? And you think this is okay?

It's so depressing to read so many posts on MN like this. WHY did you start 'taking back costs' again when you were only working term time and in a (presumably) low paid job? Even if you'd suggested it, he should have had the decency to point out that it would not be sustainable. Your situation is ridiculous.

He's not 'a bit mean', he's awful. Abusive and selfish. You deserve a lot more.