If you're careful with money and in a long term relationship

[Docugirl]

AIBU to think my DH shouldn't take money off me for his birthday present when he knows I'm broke?

For context, we're together 20 years and he has always been careful with money. Until we had kids I worked full time and we always split everything. We jointly decided that I would stay at home for a few years while the kids were small and I hate to admit it but he hasn't always been forthcoming with money.

For the past few years, I've worked part time, during term time. As soon as I started working again, I took back any costs for myself he had covered, I haven't asked him for a cent for myself, I pay for all the kids clothes, health insurance, all the costs in running my car, have contributed to any big expenses in the house e.g. new boiler. Our DD had some unexpected medical costs this month (200 quid approx), my car tax bill is coming up (roughly the same) I wasn't working over Christmas so I'm flat broke. It's his birthday this month, usually I buy him something but the shops are closed (lockdown) so he's chosen his gift and wants 100 euro from me. I told him I wouldn't have it for a few weeks and mentioned medical costs, he said he can wait...

If you are someone who is careful with money, is this what you would do? You see, I wouldn't take money from him if I knew he was struggling. Btw, he had cards, a cake (which he insists on), breakfast in bed and some small gifts (plant and other little things) a nice lazy day, his birthday is always celebrated. I just know there is no way I would take money off him like that.

He usually gets a decent bonus, which he works hard for and deserves. He doesn't blow it all on himself and does put some of it into the house but out of about 3000 after tax, he might give me 200. Is that a bit mean? We have no debt other than mortgage. He accidentally did 2 transfers to my account after the bonus and I had to give the second one back. I think I would have said keep it. My dsis was surprised when I told her.

There's more examples but the birthday thing has really gotten to me. I am not perfect but I'm generous with money and emotionally. We're together so long, I just don't know what's reasonable any more.

So yes Aibu for being upset about this or no ianbu and I'm right, he's a bit mean?

Ok I'm glad I asked now. I really doubt myself. I don't think people would believe me if I told them. I am sure he thinks he's generous and proud that he provides for his family.

I'm glad others have said they feel rage. I do too on your behalf OP. I hope you can start to realise how wrong this is.

I thought he'd let it go.

You don't need him to 'let it go', like he's doing you a favour. You're in control of your own wages. You choose how to spend them.

Either you pool your money jointly, so actually then he owes you plenty this month and going forward, not you owing him €100. Or what's his is his and what's yours is yours (not that I agree with this), in which case you get to choose the budget for his present. My point is, he can't have it both ways. Which ever way he picks, you still don't owe him €100!

I am careful with money (used to be too careful I think) and I would never ever treat my partner and fellow parent of my children like this.

I had a lot more savings coming into marriage, but the house we bought with this is both of ours. DH earned whilst I was on maternity leave, and temporarily earns double what I do at the moment and we live rent free due to his job for the time being.

Everything is in shared accounts, and we get the same amount of ‘our own’ money to do what we want with each month. All expenses come out of the joint account and shared bills like car, repairs, health stuff all come out of this.

I think it’s more than a present, but for what it’s worth I could not enjoy a gift that meant someone I loved was short of money.

@Docugirl

Ok I'm glad I asked now. I really doubt myself. I don't think people would believe me if I told them. I am sure he thinks he's generous and proud that he provides for his family.

Well funnily enough nobody ever says hey I'm an arsehole and unreasonable with money, wanna date me? They all think they're god's gift to women.

@FlyingPandas

No, OP. This is not normal. In any way shape or form. This is not being 'careful with money', or even 'tight'; this is being controlling and, as others have pointed out, financially abusive.

FWIW I am similar to you in that I have been married 20 years, have DC, work PT in a term time only role and for the same childcare related reasons. DH is a high earner in a full time job. I read your OP with total bafflement and increasing anger. My DH would never in a million years put me in the kind of position you are in. The income you each earn should be shared and split so that bills are covered and you each have a similar amount to spend on stuff you want. He gives you £200 out of a £3000 bonus? And demands £100 spent on a gift and 'has' to have a cake? And you think this is okay?

It's so depressing to read so many posts on MN like this. WHY did you start 'taking back costs' again when you were only working term time and in a (presumably) low paid job? Even if you'd suggested it, he should have had the decency to point out that it would not be sustainable. Your situation is ridiculous.

He's not 'a bit mean', he's awful. Abusive and selfish. You deserve a lot more.

All of this. You sound like a boiled frog OP, but I hope you are now realising that the water is hot. This is not ok.

Ask him for 100 euro....then give it back to him.
What an absolute tool expecting you to spend that on him.
Think you need a chat with him and to do a bit of number crunching.

He sounds selfish and uncaring towards your (financial) needs. I couldn't live with a man like that and I'm sorry you're being treated this way. You sound like a very responsable and caring person and you deserve much better then this.

I think the whole wrong thing about all this is that you have to ask him for money. That is just totally unacceptable. I'd add up all the family costs, everything and suggest that you have a joint account that proportionately i.e. you put in a third and he puts in two thirds according to what proportion each of you earn. There should also be some extra in the account for extra expenses like your DD's health costs. No way should you have to ask and argue your case for everything. Just not on at all. Must be lovely being a man being in control!!

Hi OP, I live within means but am not "careful" and pretty generous, so not quite what you asked for! What you have described feels very wrong. You've said you are broke. He should just give you some money (without being asked) and chuck another 100 euro in if he wants a pressie so badly. He should also have footed some of the other bills. 20 years! You have a shared life! This is pretty mean and degrading.

Your money should be shared.

He is a miserable taker. Hit him wear it hurts jot down everything you both pay and pay a percentage of your income into a separate account actually I wouldn't bother I'd divorce his miserable arse for the lack of respect he shows you.

Who pays mortgage, bills, supermarket food shop? Are they split?

I also never understand why people stay working part time term time only with a DH who clearly doesnt view it as family money. First thing I would do is go earn my own money then and send him a bill for the wraparound care etc!

You've been way too passive over this, OP, and after all these years, you don't stand a prayer of changing him.

I'd make a spreadsheet with all of it on, and get yourself off to a solicitor.

In the family unit you describe Bills should be split proportionally to earnings. And each person left with the same amount id disposable income to spend as they wish. If you agree as an example 300 a month disposable and only earn 400 then you put 100 in the pot.

That way you avoid being treat like staff. Both have a level on financial independence and discretion. And make joint decisions about pensions, insurance, major spends and savings.

When setting disposable income
Make agreements of what is joint spend and what is personal. Gym, mobile phone, car costs, kids expenses. Friends and family birthday presents. If thats individual fine but then the example 300 needs to be 500 etc.

I am careful with money but I'm also generous. I would not take that amount of money off anyone as a present particularly if that person was struggling. He doesn't care and you are stressed about it.

If he will not share any money willingly I would ask constantly for it and squirrel it away. He does not value the work you do

I am reading the replies and I'm feeling like a big of a mug. There is actually more but I think you'd all burst with rage if you read it. To the poster who asked who pays for mortgage, bills etc, DH does.

I earn a tiny fraction of what he does. I pay for our health insurance because he refused and I'm so glad of it now. I regularly say I have no money, he ignores me. I have an interview soon for a better job so I'm praying I get it. It will give me more stability.

Why are you living like a pauper when he has sufficient funds for savings??? You are a family. I know not everyone puts everything in a joint account but this just seems crazy to me. My DH has always earned a lot more than me but he lost his high paying job this year and I got us through 6 months without any income from him because my job is more secure.

Also I knew with only one of us working things would be tight for a few years, I never thought I'd be going around with no money for weeks on end though. And as soon as an opportunity came up for end work I took it, even though it was something I hadn't done for years.

Thanks again for the replies

He's not your partner, he's more your stingy bank manager who refuses to give you any money. How is he attractive to you when he's happy to leave his own children's medical costs and clothing to you alone? He essentially values his money over his kids.

He should be giving you full access to the bank accounts. Obviously you shouldn't abuse this by going and buying tons of stuff, but you should be both making financial decisions together, especially over big stuff. You need to get this sorted quickly.

YANBU. He sounds tight and mean.

Why do you pay for all the children’s things like clothes and health insurance?? That should be shared equally between the two of you.

In your circumstances I’d stop staying at home- go back to work full time, find good childcare for your children and tell your DP he’s paying half the cost of the childcare.

For comparison: me and my DH have a joint bank account, salaries go in there and we pool everything. That account then pays the childcare bill and all other bills plus our spending money/treats/anything for DS. We both save equal amounts per month in named accounts but that will be shared later as it’s for a house deposit.

I don’t think I could be with someone so mean and grasping. Go back to work and see if he starts sharing fairly with you - everything equal - once you’ve talked to him. If he doesn’t change I’d question whether the relationship has a future, because you’re not being respected.

I would suggest getting back to work full time pronto and pass the childcare responsibilities to your husband. He sounds like a right dick and I will never understand how people who have children together do not have joint accounts. It's high time that men and women in relationships are equal regardless of how much they earn. These threads make me so angry for the women involved.

Getting back to work full time has been my priority this year. Covid has meant there are very few jobs around but I'm still looking and am prepping for my interview this week.

Separate to the reason I started this thread, I am dismayed at the lack of responses to 99% of my job applications. You'd think I had zero experience, it's really been detrimental for my confidence but I'm not giving up.