If you're careful with money and in a long term relationship

[Docugirl]

AIBU to think my DH shouldn't take money off me for his birthday present when he knows I'm broke?

For context, we're together 20 years and he has always been careful with money. Until we had kids I worked full time and we always split everything. We jointly decided that I would stay at home for a few years while the kids were small and I hate to admit it but he hasn't always been forthcoming with money.

For the past few years, I've worked part time, during term time. As soon as I started working again, I took back any costs for myself he had covered, I haven't asked him for a cent for myself, I pay for all the kids clothes, health insurance, all the costs in running my car, have contributed to any big expenses in the house e.g. new boiler. Our DD had some unexpected medical costs this month (200 quid approx), my car tax bill is coming up (roughly the same) I wasn't working over Christmas so I'm flat broke. It's his birthday this month, usually I buy him something but the shops are closed (lockdown) so he's chosen his gift and wants 100 euro from me. I told him I wouldn't have it for a few weeks and mentioned medical costs, he said he can wait...

If you are someone who is careful with money, is this what you would do? You see, I wouldn't take money from him if I knew he was struggling. Btw, he had cards, a cake (which he insists on), breakfast in bed and some small gifts (plant and other little things) a nice lazy day, his birthday is always celebrated. I just know there is no way I would take money off him like that.

He usually gets a decent bonus, which he works hard for and deserves. He doesn't blow it all on himself and does put some of it into the house but out of about 3000 after tax, he might give me 200. Is that a bit mean? We have no debt other than mortgage. He accidentally did 2 transfers to my account after the bonus and I had to give the second one back. I think I would have said keep it. My dsis was surprised when I told her.

There's more examples but the birthday thing has really gotten to me. I am not perfect but I'm generous with money and emotionally. We're together so long, I just don't know what's reasonable any more.

So yes Aibu for being upset about this or no ianbu and I'm right, he's a bit mean?

Good God, this sounds like my idea of a living Hell. I simply couldn't share my life with someone who wasn't open handed and generous. DH has always massively out earned me, but since we married 18 years ago, all money goes into a joint account and we spend what we want out of the account. Credit cards are also joint, but are paid off each month.

I couldn't bear it if he quibbled over pennies, or begrudged money spent on his own children.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have to live with somebody like that, OP. How mind-bogglingly selfish and immature he is

I would leave to be honest. Haven't read the whole thread, but I just couldn't live with someone who is that mean.
The birthday thing is just weird. He can buy himself a present from his own money, you got him some little things and a lot of love, his choice if he prefers 100 euros to that.

What are his redeeming features OP? And I agree with a PP, he's not careful he's a tight arse. You're careful because you have to be.

Ok so my DH is a SAHP and I’m a high earner. I suppose you could say I Pay for everything but I really don't see it that way. I transfer money into his account so that I can’t see what he spends it on (I get the same amount) as well as treat money for the kids. Any child related expenditures (clothes, shoes, school stuff) comes out of the joint account. I do ask that DH let me know of any planned expenses just so that I can move money around if necessary.

My pension will naturally be for the both of us and once child benefit pension credit stops, we will pay to top that up.

You’re husband is not a kind man.

Op. There are plenty of people who are careful with money. I’m one of them.
That is very separate to using money as a mecanism to control others.

I was in a LTR with my exh and everything was ours. He was the higher earner when we met and bluntly, was super generous. Now we are divorced and I am the higher earner, and I am generous with him. Why? Because that’s called the cycle of life and it helps our children.

I couldn’t for one second put up with someone who acted the way your husband does. It’s beyond tasteless (I mean who buys their own present then tells their spouse to give them the money?)

I honestly can't see any equitable way to share finances in a marriage with children and shared assets than all money in a joint account, with equal amounts of spending money to each party. Anything less than this isn't an equal partnership.

We've only got one account. DH never spends anything so I have stepped up and diligently spend as much as I can to make up for his lack of contribution to the economy the only limits are I don't buy things that affect us both (ie house stuff) without his input.

I'm finding it difficult not to blame myself for putting up with it so long. Money isn't something you can talk about with friends so it's good to get input from you all.

Kind he is not. Dutiful, hard working, reliable, trustworthy and lots of other things but kind and generous he isn't.

I'm stuck for now but I hope I won't always be. Wish me luck and thanks for all the advice.

You married a tightass. I don't understand the issue now. He's just being mean, as he's always been.

It's clear from your post that money means more to him than his own children.

Maybe he thinks when he dies he can line his coffin with his money and take it with him to the next dimension

Money isn't something you can talk about with friends so it's good to get input from you all.

This nonsense is how this terrible behaviour goes unchecked. It’s perfectly fine to talk to your friends about money and there’s no reason not to.

He said he'd wait for his cash handout? How considerate, a prince among men. May I suggest he waits for a very long time.

He sounds financially abusive
You’re not a team, he has the money and he decides how much to give you. Find some work as soon as you can and take steps to leave

He sounds awful. How can he watch his wife struggling financially while he sits there so comfortable with all his money? What kind of human being is that?
While you’re still together, you need to ask him to contribute more for his children. If they need new clothes, let him know that he needs to pay too, any more medical bills, he needs to pay too. It’s time to have a talk and change things.

You sound like you want out. You'll find a way. Start making a gradual plan of how to extricate yourself from this situation. Don't blame yourself, we go through life with the knowledge we have, making the decisions we think are best at the time. That's all anyone can ever do. Now you have more knowledge and you'd like to change things and so you will.

As he's 'forgetful' (deliberately?) about money see if he'll give you a card to his account. You can still ask permission first, but when he agrees to something you won't have to chase for it you'll have the card. Just make sure you keep all the receipts. If he won't give you a card then I suspect he's not really that forgetful and it's a tactic to appear decent whilst not actually having to do/pay anything.

I don't know why you feel stuck but if it's because of the DC you're not really, there's options and you'd end up better off. Good luck OP you can make a bright future for yourself and DC.