AIBU to think women never think they have 'time' for a breakdown?

[UndertheCedartree]

Bit of a wierd one...but I often see women in particular single mothers claim 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or even 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown'. I feel this feeds into women not giving priority to their mental health. I definitely felt I didn't have time for a breakdown...but it still happened! I had no control by the time my mental health was that bad.

I agree, that narrative is so damaging.

And like pps and you op it happened to me too, more than once

I was always "the coper" according to all who knew me, an emotional weenie, you push her over she comes right back up again...

Until I didn't! and in spectacular fashion too! Full on hallucinatory psychosis the 1st one scared the shit out me! Honestly thought the men in white coats were coming to strait jacket me and lock me in the proverbial padded room...which of course was nonsense, but reflective of my state of mind at the time.

though I wasn't particularly "busy" at the time of braking down

I think that's exactly why I had mine when I did!

I'd been "pushing through" for several years, hit a period where I didn't HAVE to and basically brain went "ahh so NOW there's time to play silly beggars!"

I was basically operating on adrenaline, lack of sleep, "staying busy" for a period of almost 5 years, volunteering for everything and giving every thing, every person my all (except me) plus maintaining a perfectly clean and tidy home (main dx ocd)

When the person assessing me went through every role I had, what I did every day she even commented it was madness to even attempt to maintain/do all that - on top of going through a messy divorce and a background of childhood trauma. Perfect storm!

It was 15 years ago and I've never really recovered despite lots of different meds, family/friend support and sporadic periods of therapy. I think because I've never had the correct co-ordination of treatment actually put in place/occurring.

I often wonder, when we hear that men have more breakdowns/MH issues

Not factually correct and really pisses me off that this myth is being perpetuated.

It's based on the fact men are more likely to complete the act of suicide but that's believed to be mainly due to them tending to opt for more "effective" methods.

When the stats on dx and attempted suicide are taken into account the rates of mh difficulties are about the same across the sexes

The pressure is cultural too. Stiff upper lip, presenteeism "how are you? I'm fine" etc

I literally couldn't just "keep going" I lost cognitive functions, I needed literally walked into the shower and walked through having it, couldn't remember how to use an atm like physically didn't know what to do etc

@Tehmina23 I agree

I'm getting better at recognising when I'm spiralling, the difficulty now is getting hcps to accept what I'm telling them!

I've had an horrendous year/18 months accessing even minimal treatment due to an incompetent/prejudiced/inexperienced cpn who's royally fucked things up for me!

I've not even spoken with my supposed psychiatrist in over 5 years!

@Noti23 Please talk to him properly and seriously that he needs to pull his weight far more! Don't keep struggling on picking up his slack

WEEBLE! Not weenie ffs, bloody auto correct!

YANBU.
One of the reasons my ex best friend is an ex is because of her attitude when I was diagnosed with depression 10+ years ago. "Oh well I don't have time for that. I'm too busy looking after my kids" . Like I was neglecting mine, or didn't love them enough to be well.
I then had a few years where my mh was very good. And then it dipped again. Then all of a sudden I was back in crisis. Not sure if I had a breakdown, but I feel like i might have. I now struggle to leave the house. Don't sleep. Suffer with intrusive thoughts. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety, insomnia and complex PTSD.
Im having therapy and today we were discussing that I always put everyone else first. My therapist said it's no wonder my mental health tanked.

Anyone who thinks they've not had mh issues because they "don't have time" can FOTTFSOF as far as I'm concerned. I hope for their sake that they never experience mental health issues. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

I’m a single parent and have probably said this too. It’s a flippant way of deflecting how close I am to actually losing it, and how terrified I am of that.

I’ve had several breakdowns (6 months in bed, nearly hospitalised type stuff) after childhood abuse. I KNOW I need to keep control of my
Mental health better now - I know the warning signs to look for because of my absolute fear of having another breakdown and my child being affected. I noticed I hadn’t had a shower in 5 days and the kitchen hadn’t been cleaned and rang my doctor to up my meds, because I can recognise those are my signals that all is not well.

My son only has me, I am utterly paranoid of slipping into what has happened before because the consequences of that are huge now he is solely relying on me. So no, I don’t have time for a breakdown - but I have absolute sympathy for anyone who has one and don’t judge them for that. We are all just trying our best 🤷‍♀️

under the thing is you had your sons father around to step in. If I can't parent we go over a cliff edge, there's no one near us who can help. The overwhelming fear or what would happen to my dc's prevents me from feeling anything or opening up.

I absolutely think we are talking about different things here. I 100% acknowledge that mental illness is a real thing and you can't choose not to suffer from it or choose not to have time for it. However I also think that we have as a society somewhere lost a great deal of resilience and the ability to basically just get on. Dozens of threads on here and hundreds of posts saying how they can't do or find really very ordinary things like driving, having a conversation with a boss, making small talk at a social function overwhelmingly difficult. I have a friend who always makes me ring to book a table in a restaurant and when we're there, order for her, especially if she wants something slightly off menu like 'leave out the olives'. And we have normalised this to the point that ordinary and natural feelings of nerves or stress or sadness are 'diagnosed' as anxieties and yes 'given in to' instead of thinking 'this is crazy, just speak to the waitress'. Finding that uncomfortable is OK, but not doing it because it's uncomfortable is not. Life isn't comfortable. I loathe confrontation or awkward conversation, I find it very hard to fight my corner with a superior at work. I cry. It's ridiculous and limiting so where I can I do it via email but I don't just not do it. I think this thread highlights these very different things. I am NOT being snide or dismissive of those with real mental health issues but I think we have gone too far the other way, often overreacting to perfectly normal feelings of sadness or stress.

You know, thinking about this, I wonder if the reason that women do eventually breakdown and are unable to continue is because we are not allowed, or don’t allow, ourselves time to heal and get better.

Maybe I was lucky - maybe the combination of meds and CPN stopped me from being being completely unable to function.

Maybe if the narrative wasn’t that women had to continue regardless and there was earlier treatment available in general and less stigma around mental health outcomes would be better for everyone. Also if there was better support for so many of us that find ourselves as single parents without help, then we would be able to admit how we felt without fear.

I know that I pushed myself way too far without taking or being able to take a break, and long term how is that helpful?

Really at the end of the day the narrative that women can cope is a real one, and it’s not helpful.

You can't compare someone not being able to order olives in a restaurant, with someone who has an uncontrollable urge to run into traffic or has to keep away from knives because they're frightened of what they'll do to themselves. It doesn't seem to be sinking in, for some, that a breakdown is an inability to function. It's not sighing over a pile of washing and reaching for the Prozac because sorting textures is a burden.

I agree that people who can't just get on with things can be irritating but we don't know people's backgrounds or experiences. Perhaps they've come out of an abusive relationship, have a background of child trauma or they've simply reached their limit.

People here have spoken about how they've heard voices because they're psychotic. That's not the same as being unable to speak to your boss or being 'a bit anxious '. Breaking a nail is the the same as breaking a leg.

@Angrywife Hmm, yes - good point.

I'm a coper, my friend literally can't cope with anything. I didn't get it at first. Kept my mouth shut and supported her. I just came to realise we have different strengths and weaknesses. I cope well under stress and pressure but haven't really known any different from a young age, child carer, mums multiple marriages and subsequent siblings, left home at 18 worked full time etc, NC with family now. She had a more stable childhood with married parents and one sibling. Family help at the drop of a hat, husband earns well. Nearly paid off their mortgagee and holidays two times a year pre pandemic.

I couldn't understand why she would absolutely struggle with basic things yet it's probably because she never had to do anything herself or without help or praise and so she struggles when she doesn't have that.

We are all different and life experiences and personality changes everything. Now I see it, I get it and I can empathize with her better

@UndertheCedartree
I've got a telephone appointment with my psychiatrist on the 11th feb & I've told my mental health team about the symptoms I'm having, they said to phone anytime.

At work we have the Bradford Sickness score & mine is high already. I've had 2 days off recently so on my next sickness review which is Thursday I will get a stage one formal verbal warning.
Therefore I can't afford to go off sick now with anxiety as well.
They have threatened to redeploy me to another area if I'm seen to not be coping.
They have made a lot of 'reasonable adjustments' for me already & ive seem occupational health.

I also feel that if I 'give in' to the anxiety (which is manifesting in physical symptoms of shaking all over, feeling hot & faint. Also my paranoia is worse again.) it will make it hard for me to want to return to work.
I do actually enjoy my job when I'm well.

@SignOnTheWindow

I think the phrases 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown' is usually a snide way of dismissing people who have breakdowns. There's no choice involved. When I had a breakdown, I was non-verbal, unable to stop shaking and couldn't even climb the stairs.

This^^ million times over. I had breakdown and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Fortunately it is a type can be well controlled with medication. But I had women say this to me and it was meant in a snide way. They acted like the months I spent in a secure mental hospital were months on a spa holiday.

Really frustrating and demeaning.

@SignOnTheWindow

I think the phrases 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown' is usually a snide way of dismissing people who have breakdowns. There's no choice involved. When I had a breakdown, I was non-verbal, unable to stop shaking and couldn't even climb the stairs.

I agree. In my experience of having a breakdown, choice didn’t come into it. I’d pushed myself too far, doing my damndest to keep going - until one day I couldn’t.

As for side conversation of women vs. men. I think the narratives of just cope, just get on with it are strong for both sexes, but strongest for men. I think this based on the fact that while women are diagnosed more frequently than men with depression and suicidal thoughts, men are 3x more likely to actually commit suicide. This means that women are more likely to seek help and avoid suicide than men are.

Define coping ?
I’m no mental health expert , all I know is my own experience and many years of ups and downs

So what I think is coping may not match other views

All I can say is sertraline is da bomb for me 💪💪💪

Love them , don’t ever want to stop

When both my sons are having hysterical meltdowns and breaking things and going loopy
When things break and I can’t fix them
When work gets political and nasty
When my ex sends toxic messages

I can cope , just

I also don’t have death and suicide ideation anymore
Looking back it was so fucked

I see this a lot as a way to minimise other peoples suffering or paint them as week.

When I was younger and had endometriosis and ME I would see it a lot - “I don’t have any choice but to work, I have to just get on with it” - and I used to think the same until I was so ill I physically couldn’t get out of bed and then I didn’t have a choice.

And I’ve discovered it this year with my mental health - looking after disabled twins 24/7 with no respite and dealing with two SEN tribunals I definitely didn’t have time to fall apart but I did anyway. Often who say “I don’t have the option of falling apart” don’t understand that it’s not a choice or something you can prevent because it’s inconvenient.

Backtoschool101

I think mental health is random and complex
Brains are complex , Jesus so
Complex

And having a nice house etc doesn’t mean you don’t get MH issues

The part that’s hard to understand is how much is how people are wired , how much is life experiences and how lick is just them and how they are
This complexity makes it hard to discuss
But no ones suprised when a rich and seemingly blessed person gets cancer are they ?

I knew there was something wrong before I had a breakdown, but I could only describe physical symptoms because although my anxiety and stress levels were off the charts, for me they felt pretty normal and I was trained to be a coper. My GP felt bad for missing what was going on, but she kept sending me for various tests and they didnt pick anything up.

There's now a theory that your gut biome can play a big part in becoming unwell, and that makes sense to me because I'd had MRSA and a lot of antibiotics, and when I'm anxious I cant eat.
www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection

Absolutely, a breakdown is not something you can prepare for unless by 'breakdown' people don't mean an actual breakdown.

Before my 'breakdown' I had work based stress, took some time off to try and rest etc, guess what? it still happened.

Some people are more prone to mental health problems (I am) in the same way some people get cancer and others can smoke for years and never have it.

@sortmylifeoutplease - yes, that's an interesting point. I do remember as I approached my breakdown being scared as to what would happen to my children. In the end their dad stepped up massively.

@Noti23- that sounds very unfair. Perhaps ask him what he would do if you had a mental breakdown as you feel you are heading towards one? Please seek out some mental health support for yourself.

@Graphista - I really relate. I was the one who volunteered for everything - because if I didn't who would? I was working, studying, keeping house, childcare, working on side projects, I didn't sleep for 3 months...and I still felt I wasn't doing enough!

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo - yes, my therapist said the same - I'm always the bottom of the pile. And I think we do it without even realising. I'm glad you are getting support. I do agree that many who say 'I don't have time...' just don't really understand what it is to be in proper crisis.

@Disorganisedfish - that's great that you can spot the signs now. I think that is the goal for anyone with a mental illness/condition.

I'm not sure I have the right to speak of a breakdown in medical terms, as I don't think I've ever experienced one. However, there have been moments when I felt I was close to falling apart, like a ceramic figurine - completely break into tiny pieces... and each time I felt I had no 'luxury to do so'. I don't think I was externally pressed to crack on, can't remember feeling like it was someone else's expectation of me... it was my own expectation of myself.