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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think women never think they have 'time' for a breakdown?

121 replies

UndertheCedartree · 23/01/2021 20:26

Bit of a wierd one...but I often see women in particular single mothers claim 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or even 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown'. I feel this feeds into women not giving priority to their mental health. I definitely felt I didn't have time for a breakdown...but it still happened! I had no control by the time my mental health was that bad.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/01/2021 00:40

It’s not ‘not having time’ in some cases , it’s knowing it’s coming and getting help
And that takes experience and some level of maturity
And not everyone is able enough , or even recognise what their problem is
But that’s one opinion.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:41

@TheNestedIf - I'm sorry about your experiences Flowers

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/01/2021 00:43

Sorry are you suggested those who have a breakdown or MH issues aren't copers?

I don’t read it like that
You could throw the same set of issues at two people
One will cope and one won’t

Look at sibling sets from fucked up families , some crumble and some manage to survive
It’s humans

Wheresmykimchi · 24/01/2021 00:43

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Sorry are you suggested those who have a breakdown or MH issues aren't copers?

I don’t read it like that
You could throw the same set of issues at two people
One will cope and one won’t

Look at sibling sets from fucked up families , some crumble and some manage to survive
It’s humans

Define coping.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:43

@Tehmina23 - please take care of yourself. Have you told your psychiatrist everything? Why would you lose your job?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:45

@ilovesooty - yes, it's a horrible realisation when you start to see just how very unwell you are. I hope you are ok now.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:50

@Labobo - yes, I won't bore you with the delusions I had about my first born. I struggled for years but maybe if I'd been able to get help for myself earlier I wouldn't have had the full on break down. My DH was diagnosed with schizophrenia when my DS was 1. I was expected my medical professionals to be the supportive wife and carer - absolutely no regard for my mental health - I was expected to just 'get on with it!'. It was a very different situation when I had my breakdown. Professionals were tripping over themselves to support the DC's father!!

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 24/01/2021 00:52

In my experience, it's impossible not to have time for a breakdown... it happens with or without your say so (and in my case, independently of outside factors- everything in my life was going well except for my poor mental health).

Suggesting that it can be brushed off because some people are too busy feels a little like victim blaming to me (why couldn't I just push through if that's what other women do... am I especially weak?).

@jamesmiddletonsmarshmallows

What are you basing that on? Everything I've read suggests that women are more likely than men to seek help with mental health problems. Isn't that thought to be part of the reason more men commit suicide than women?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 00:53

@megletthesecond - I think you've got the right idea on eating well, exercising - i.e good self care. But if you need it please seek support because once you are past a certain point - you really can't pull yoyrself back.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 00:57

I had a breakdown; it basically means you can no longer function. Took me a year to get back to feeling relatively normal but, at the time everything was overwhelming. I reached out for help but didn't receive any in time. I

I don't have time for a breakdown is such a snide and condescending thing to say.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/01/2021 00:59

@poppyzbrite4

I had a breakdown; it basically means you can no longer function. Took me a year to get back to feeling relatively normal but, at the time everything was overwhelming. I reached out for help but didn't receive any in time. I

I don't have time for a breakdown is such a snide and condescending thing to say.

I agree.

That and the some cope and some don't

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 01:02

@Thisisworsethananticpated - oh, of course that is ideal and always an aim to recognise a decline in mental health. But that is about actually having that awareness in the first place and then making the time for self care. I don't think that's the same as not having the time so just needing to 'get on'.

And actually lots of people who have breakdowns are very good at coping. They just get to a point that they can't cope anymore after many, many/ tens of years. I was actually told I was very resilient to have coped for so long.

OP posts:
RosJ · 24/01/2021 01:05

I do think that it is impossible to understand very bad mental health problems until you have had a brush with them yourself, and I suspect that anyone who feels they don't have the time for them is thinking about their own lowest mood, and believing that is the worst it gets.
The word "cope" is very value laden (resilience is an unhelpful word too). I believe myself to be a strong person, but sometimes life becomes too difficult, for whatever reason.
I didn't mean to diminish other people's experience when I said that I just kept going, in my previous post-its just that in my own particular experience (of severe OCD) it felt more manageable to keep going through the motions-although my colleagues did notice, and I worry it must have affected my 4 year old at the time.

echoskey · 24/01/2021 01:06

“I don’t have time to be depressed”. The clarion call of people who disguise their problems by doing more “work” - usually cleaning.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 01:06

@Milkshake7489 - yes it does feel rather invalidating. And also like I don't love my children enough to just 'crack on' with it Sad

OP posts:
12frogsincoats · 24/01/2021 01:08

Saying you don't have time for a breakdown is like saying you don't have time for a heart attack.

If it happens it happens. You can't just reschedule it or tell it to wait cos you have kids to look after.

I can't wait for the day when people start taking mental health issues seriously.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 01:09

@poppyzbrite4 - I hope you are ok now.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 01:10

@RosJ - thanks for sharing your experience it is all very valuable.

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 24/01/2021 01:14

@UndertheCedartree thank you, that's very kind. It was a long time ago now, 15 years. It was very frightening though, as I was alone and very ill with no support at all.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2021 01:16

@poppyzbrite4 - I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

OP posts:
sortmylifeoutplease · 24/01/2021 01:50

I think people use that phrase when they are depleted and possibly scared that they are nearing the point of a breakdown. However when you are actually having a breakdown, you are having a breakdown which of course you can't "soldier through", anymore than you could any other major illness.

Angrywife · 24/01/2021 01:55

@SignOnTheWindow

I think the phrases 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown' is usually a snide way of dismissing people who have breakdowns. There's no choice involved. When I had a breakdown, I was non-verbal, unable to stop shaking and couldn't even climb the stairs.
No its not. Its a way of convincing themselves they're ok
Noti23 · 24/01/2021 03:03

In comparison to some people, I have an easy life as a mum. I work part-time, only one child (toddler), a partner (who is the least domesticated animal known to humanity), have a supportive, albeit, troubled family. But I feel extremely stressed every single day. I feel like I can’t cope; with the house, the toddler, in work. I feel like I’m failing everything. I’m basically the only one who does all of the chores bar the bins. I am also the only one who makes sure toddler is dressed and has breakfast~has dinner, is washed, and goes to bed at a decent time. I feel like the manager of the house and if I don’t keep on top of everything then it all falls apart. I’m terrified of when I will start work full time in the summer. If I stopped dp won’t step up. I’ve tried stepping back in the hope he will think, “hmm it’s 6.30pm and maybe toddler needs dinner”- but he just doesn’t. If I don’t then my toddler suffers and I won’t allow that to happen. If I had a breakdown then his mum or my mum would step in. I’m great full for that but pissed off that he can’r step up, being the actual parent. I work at 160% all the time because he’s always working at 40%.

TedMullins · 24/01/2021 03:31

I don't have time for a breakdown is such a snide and condescending thing to say.

I agree. And it’s sad so many women are the bottom of their own priorities. As a child free person with mental health issues that have been severe enough for periods that I was completely incapacitated - I have to capitulate to them, if I need to stay in bed for a week that’s what I do. I drag myself up to feed and walk the dog but that’s it - and on occasion I’ve had to hand my dog over to friends to look after.

The things that don’t get done while I’m in that state just don’t even cross my mind. I know I can’t begin to understand what it’s like to be dealing with that and having children but it seems many people’s problems here are useless partners that you’re not confronting about their lack of contribution in the home, rather than unchecked mental health issues.

TwelvePaws · 24/01/2021 04:05

I just get on with it because I have to.

I hate this. You say it like it’s a choice. It’s very dismissive, similar to saying ‘pull yourself together’. Lots of people have to get on with it on the face of it but then they are completely overwhelmed and can’t just ‘get on with it’ anymore. You’re not better than others who haven’t managed to ‘just get on with it’, you’ve just never been overwhelmed with stress that it’s led you to have severe mental distress.