AIBU to think women never think they have 'time' for a breakdown?

[UndertheCedartree]

Bit of a wierd one...but I often see women in particular single mothers claim 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or even 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown'. I feel this feeds into women not giving priority to their mental health. I definitely felt I didn't have time for a breakdown...but it still happened! I had no control by the time my mental health was that bad.

@TheNestedIf I'm really sorry i upset you I didn't mean to I suppose my point is that early intervention is crucial and it seems to be missed more with women because we tend to function highly because if we don't do all the things we do no one else will.

@SignOnTheWindow

I think the phrases 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown' is usually a snide way of dismissing people who have breakdowns. There's no choice involved. When I had a breakdown, I was non-verbal, unable to stop shaking and couldn't even climb the stairs.

I agree. I was so ill I couldn't function when I was admitted to hospital yet had no awareness of how ill I was.

I think those saying that they don't have time to have a breakdown probably aren't having an actual breakdown

@Tehmina23 I suspect you are right there.

I know what you mean. I had severe PND. I know others who were hospitalised for far milder symptoms. It took four years for it to be diagnosed because DS2 was so ill in so many ways and his needs were so complex I didn't have time to be ill (although I was barking mad) because I couldn't hand over to anyone else and trust them to take good care of him. The fact both my DC were very well looked after seemed to prove to medical staff and family that I was fine. Me secretly thinking one of them was an alien and surviving on one hour's sleep a night for years didn't matter.

You are right OP. It can take women years and years to admit to poor mental health and treat it. But this is true of men too I think, in different ways. They soldier on and pretend all is well. They often think they have no right to show emotion or weakness or vulnerability as though these would be signs of failing manhood. We all need to be more open about MH issues. I was just thinking today I can't remember the last time I felt depressed. And yet I put up with almost permanent and very debilitating depression without effective treatment for two decades.

PP "in the last year I've had several breakdowns"

This misuse (or misunderstanding?) of what it means to have a mental breakdown doesn't help. It's not a common, every-other-month occurrence. It hits hard and takes time to get over. This is like saying "I had cancer several times in the last year".

And yes, agree that you can't schedule them or just decide you don't have time! If it hits you, it's all-consuming and you have no choice!

I'm a lone parent and don't have time for illness or to fall apart. I never even processed my dad dying a decade ago, I just carried on. I've numbed myself to everything and just drag myself through each day. Eat really well, exercise even if I hate it, try and zone out on here and Twitter to take my mind off things.
I figure I'll deal with everything when both dc's head to uni and my mortgage is paid off 🤷‍♀️. I do wonder if I'll disintegrate at that point.

I think many women feel close to the edge, but don’t have the capacity to add themselves to their caring responsibilities. At least that’s how I feel.

Like many of us on this thread I’ve had a shockingly unstoppable breakdown. And I feel that I had to claw my way back. I deliberately and doggedly practice a protocol to keep me on an even keel, partly because I feel I can’t afford the time for another breakdown. A few minutes of effort everyday is preferable to months or years of my dc’s lives.

So, that phrase resonates with me. It sort of jerks me back from the abyss and forces me to focus on the mundane jobs to be done instead.

It’s not judgemental. I have huge compassion for anyone struggling. How could I not when I’ve been there?

There is more than one type of breakdown a person can have. They don't all have to involve being admitted to an inpatient MH unit before we can acknowledge that someone is broken.

I think a lot of posters on here are not differentiating very well between a breakdown which is usually a relatively acute event, vs depression which is usually more chronic. Or they are confusing extreme stress with a breakdown.

Sure, one can lead to another but in the case of an actual breakdown it's not something that's in anyone's control, similar to a heart attack or a stroke. It's not simply a case of shutting down for a couple of days or having a 'breakdown' in the sense of breaking down in tears for a few days or whatever. A true breakdown is severe mental distress to the point where the mind can no longer function properly for a period of time.

@SignOnTheWindow

I think the phrases 'I don't have time for a breakdown' or 'I don't have the luxury to have a breakdown' is usually a snide way of dismissing people who have breakdowns.
There's no choice involved.

Totally agree. I think this attitude also contributes to the notion that it’s ‘weak’ or ‘giving in’ to acknowledge you need support & help, resulting in so many of us battling in until we actually do have a breakdown.

A breakdown/severe depression is a “luxury” I could do without, but have had no choice over.

I also agree that those saying 'gosh, don't have time for a breakdown' don't actually recognise what a breakdown actually is.

Rather like people saying 'ooh, I'm a bit OCD'.

It's facile and trite and utterly offensive to people who genuinely suffer.

My DM has had mental health issues for years, triggered by two major post natal breakdowns, and when she plummets there is no 'choosing' about it; she has no control over how she feels. It is just about recognising the feelings and getting medical help as swiftly as she can.

What I would say though is that we are all different and there are many people who do just have the ability to cope with an awful lot of stress and shite and genuinely NOT have a breakdown. I have done a lot of safeguarding training for a recent new job and one of the things that really stood out to me was the point that some children will be able to cope with a really quite awful situation surprisingly well because they have a natural strength and resilience. There are plenty of people out there who are genuinely capable of soldiering on. Others are not.

But I do agree that there is an element of seeing mental health issues as a weakness and that is wrong. I don't know what the answer is though.

@Gncq - it's not about being pre-disposed to it. It's the expectation of women 'to crack on'. And not necessarily about the amount of stress. My point is once you are at the point of having an actual mental breakdown you can't just 'crack on'!

@audweb - well, yes more minor things - yep, women just get on with it...perhaps leading to more stress. But by the time you're fully blown psychotic/dissasociated - do you think it is possible to just rationalise that you 'don't have time for this' and just get on?

@HugeAckmansWife - the thing is I'm talking about something a bit more than just feeling crappy. I had years of difficult times - I just got on with it and thought 'no way I could have a breakdown...I have children to think about!'...but I'm talking about when you are so psychotic that your brain can't even go as far as thinking about the children.

@TheNestedIf - yes, exactly. It's like breaking your leg...you can't just say - I've children, I'm just going to get on and walk on this leg!

@MissMarpleDarling - I know what you mean about it being normal. So glad you were able to recover even with no support.

@audweb - the thing is I was the same for years just dragging myself through as a single mum because who else would...until I couldn't. It wasn't a decision...I was just that unwell I couldn't get off the sofa...it was horrendous!

I'm not sure that a breakdown means the same thing to everyone. Certainly it is very difficult to know how another person is really feeling and what is going on in their mind.
When I had my worst mental health breakdown or whatever, every waking moment felt like a living hell. I was not lethargic or numb, but constantly mentally tortured, like little devils were sticking their spears into my mind. As I had a small child, I just kept on going, and I can only imagine and sympathise with anyone who is in such a bad they that they can't keep on going as I did.
It wasn't a question of "having the time": the mental torture took over all of my time, and if I hadn't been looking after my child and going to work, I still would not have been able to escape it.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows - my DC's father had to step up. I was hospitalised for 3 years. I would have said the same as you before that. But he either did it or they would have had to go into care.

Breakdowns are involuntary. There's no timing in it especially to someone in denial. We have individual thresholds before we break anyway.
😔

@TonMoulin - yes, I agree. It shouldn't be seen as self-indulgent to self-care.

@mummytolittledragons - I agree it sneaks up on you. Looking back I can see it. But I didn't at the time. Any rational thinking went. My body was in pure survival mode and could see nothing outside...even my very much loved darling children.

@Norwayreally - so if you had an actual mental breakdown/serious long term physical illness meaning long-term hospital would the children go into care?

@Gncq

Eh?

Not everyone is predisposed to have a mental health breakdown.

Some very stressed very busy single mothers crack on with it.
A mental health breakdown is a very seriously scenario, and I had one aged 21 resulting in months of care even though I wasn't particularly "busy" at the time of braking down. (I was emotionally traumatized but not exactly busy).

Some people are copers in life and can cope well with stress.

Sorry are you suggested those who have a breakdown or MH issues aren't copers?