Update on a caring for friends children.

[Updatemate]

A while a go I posted about a friend of mine who was terminally ill and she had 2 young children, had lost her husband early last year very suddenly and it was questionable who would care for the children.

I wanted to update anyone who remembers. The thread was removed because a family member contacted me and asked it was.

Well sadly, she died just before Christmas and the children have remained with us for the time being. SS are involved by feel the children are best with us until something more formal can be arranged. The maternal grandparents are living in bfs house temporarily and visit us (the children) frequently (I'm not sure it is strictly 'allowed' under covid but SS feel it is beneficial). SS have ruled out the sister in Australia - based on her husbands lack of engagement with them. They have advised that if he were to be willing to engage or sister was to leave him they would reconsider, though there is a timeframe. But basically he doesn't want to take them on. We've zoomed with them and to be honest I'm relieved, he isn't very nice and I would worry about them all the way over there.

DH and I haven't decided if we are able to parent the children going forward, they are lovely and have slotted in to our family life really well but it is such a huge commitment with such wide reaching ramifications if we make the wrong decision. But they do feel very much 'ours'.

So not much of an update I'm afraid - but thank you to everyone who took time to respond to my original post, I really appreciated the advice.

I dont envy your decision but it very much feels like every locational, physical and financial burden has been removed from this situation and that the only question is can you open yourself to loving these children like your own?

Love is an infinite resource for those capable of it, yes your time gets spread with more children but your love expands not only within you but with the family love that grows amongst siblings, some only for childhood but for most a lifetime.

There is no wrong choice in your decision but dont be afraid that loving these children will mean loving yours less.

Hard decision. No decision is the wrong one.

LadyFuschia

Thank you do much. Really appreciate it.

We've had a terrible scare this evening, DC1 (best friends eldest) fell off the climbing frame at the park and we had to call ambulance and have been taken to hospital. All's absolutely fine, we've just got home.

I only realised as I was completing paperwork that we have absolutely no legal rights or responsibilities to these children. I had to call the social services out of hours team and then there was some discussion from the hospital about whether I could stay as they were considering admitting over night (particularly due to covid, no-one unnecessary)

and who consents to non emergency treatment (e.g. I'm in the room so they ask me but I actually can't give consent) but a social worker didn't really want to come to the hospital, and the hospital didn't want them to come either. I was practically in tears about it on the phone to DH, the worry for DC1, the massive shock, as well as worrying if we'll be seen as unfit.

So whatever happens long term, we need to sort something out, I never want to be in that situation again.

So that's really helpful and gives a good overview of potential options. I think SGO is a good option, but obviously the LA has to agree.

Do you know LadyFuschia which LA will be responsible ongoing? BF lived in 1 LA and we live in the neighboring one (3 miles away). SS were contacted when BF was alive, so we started everything with her LA but the house is now under offer and the children reside with us. Grandparents are residents of a completely separate LA. I assume the original LA would continue to be responsible?

This is an unimaginable situation that you're in- and it obviously is hard to work out what's best- but- and not meaning to sound harsh, surely you and your husband have a duty to the kids to decide this as soon as possible. They have lost both parents, and are now living with you- although have already done this intermittently from what you've said due to mums illness. If the children are going to be moved onto another house, grandparents or adoption outside of the family, the longer they are with you and 'settle' in to this being their new norm, moving them again after an extended time will surely affect them even worse?

@Updatemate children remain the responsibility of their original LA. Sorry you had such a scare last night, it is a minefield with legalities. You have two simultaneous issues - what you want to do and how best to do it if you keep them. Please do pm if you need more info. Are there proceedings for the LA to gain a care order ASAP in order to ensure someone has Pr? Or are they waiting in the hope you —save them a lot of money— go for an sgo and keep them?

Delete fail!!

Or are they waiting in the hope you save them a lot of money go for an sgo and keep them?

Yep, that one!

Yeah I totally agree SS only care about what is best for the DC and don't much care about your bio DC.

They will absolutely push for the cheapest option.

Had friends that were long term FC and because they were financially comfortable kept pushing for SGO they refused because it meant less therapeutic input for the DC and no respite. Once they were adults they adopted them

It is great to hear from you and the update. I would suggest that you might want to post on the Adoption board, they might be able to give you more ideas about the pitfalls and things you should ask for.
Don't be shy to ask for things, the more things you can get put in place now the better.

I would also think if you go ahead then it would be good to think about using some money to get a part time nanny/au pair/ home help - to provide another adult to give attention to the children (yours and the others).

Just remember if child is fostered by you they would qualify for Pupil premium of about £500 per term per child that can be used for educational purposes. Our foster child has a tutor for Maths, English and Science for an hour of each every week in term time we use his PEE money and we top up the difference. This will continue right the way through their education until child reaches 18. We use part of fostering allowance to pay for a cleaner twice a week and although we are entitled to respite care we don't take it as we take child on holiday with us but the option remains for us until he is 18. Foster carers also get other perks like vouchers for discounted day put for all of family, often 20 percent off entry tickets and LA also give children allowance for birthday and Xmas so you don't feel like you are taking from your other children. In reality as my children are grown up our foster child gets far more for Xmas than my own children.

I only realised as I was completing paperwork that we have absolutely no legal rights or responsibilities to these children.

What’s their current legal status, by which I mean who does have parental rights and responsibilities? If they’ve been placed by social work (either purposely or by default), it would be considered a fostering arrangement and you’d be entitled to financial support, but you’d also have sufficient parental rights and responsibilities to fulfil their day to day care needs.

I’d second popping on to the adoption board - lots of knowledgeable folk there who can maybe help you pick your way through the formalities depending on what you decide.

The Local Authority is remiss in ensuring that legal parental responsibility is not in place at the moment. If they are placed with you then the LA should've applied for a Care Order, and would have been granted an interim care order and they would delegate PR to you as temporary carers until their permanent care arrangements were made. Alternatively, they could support you to make an application for a Residence Order so you have PR through that route until the final care arrangements are agreed. A Residence Order doesn't indicate a finality of proceedings. You should raise that as a matter of urgency as many things cannot be progressed without somebody having PR. It's one of the urgent issues resolved as soon as LA becomes aware of a child without anyone having PR for them. What is your understanding of the what legal arrangements/basis upon which the children with you?

Have you completed any Looked After Children paperwork? Do they have Look After Children reviews through the Independent Reviewing team? Or are they privately fostered? If the latter, you need to firm up as they may well be encouraging this route so they don't have to pay you kinship fostering rates and the lack of PR will remain an issue. The regulations and assessment for kinship care and stranger foster care are pretty much the same albeit with obvious differences and with both you get financial and fostering support, including your own allocated fostering social worker.

Hello @Updatemate , just wondering how you're getting on with the DC, and what you decided? None of my business and no need for you to reply, but something today reminded me of this thread. Whatever has happened, I hope you and the DC are all ok.

Can I share my experience as a foster carer?

These D.C. although bereaved won't have the significant issues most D.C. in foster care have because they have been well cared for throughout.

Your D.C. will not miss out on one to one time because you know it's important. You will do things differently from your parents. Also, you want these DC to maintain contact with their GPs. You can use that for special time with your DCs.

The long term financial implications can be agreed with SS- the day to day costs won't be met in your circumstances, but therapy and also further education costs can probably be negotiated.

Whatever you decide, !

Op. I think ultimately you need to go with your heart. If you have any doubts, adoption is not for you because you'll have what ifs and when things get really stressful which it will again, you'll doubt yourself. Better the children go to a family or couple fully committed.

But I think you are doing an amazing job and whatever happens you will have significantly contributed to their lives.

I can't believe how Social Services are still being run. Just heart breaking.

I remember. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. What a whirlwind of emotions. I don't envy your position but I just want to wish you every happiness going forward.

@Updatemate

Arobase I don't think so as we both work full time.

radioband it's not really the commitment we have issues with but the impact on our biological kids, the reduction in 1:1 time they'll get. I hated being in a large family but we were much more spread out age-wise.

DH thinks I'm worrying too much!

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. And you are doing such an amazing thing for these kids. Poor little souls.

Apologies if this has already been raised and I missed it, but......your point about not having the emotional capacity for this. For me, I think that would be the clincher. I could never love someone else's kids as much as my own.
Do you think, for that reason, they might be better off being adopted into a new family where they are the only kids and they can (hopefully) be doted on?

I don't know; its so hard. You are undeniably doing an amazing thing for them right now. It just breaks my heart to think of them growing up feeling "second best". And that is no criticism of you; that's based purely on me and I just don't think I could love them to the same degree as my own kids, and no matter how hard I tried, I think it would be obvious.

Oh, those poor little kids.

Just remember, op, that if you decide you cannot keep your bf’s children, there will be a loving family eager to adopt them. The children are still young and, with support and love, will be ok. You may be able to keep in touch with them. I wish you luck. Whatever you eventually decide, you have been amazingly kind to take in these children and to give them love and stability when they needed it most.

I don’t have any advice or expertise but just wanted to say that you have been doing amazing things here OP. I have remembered your other thread often.

I remember your thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your lovely friend. You are a truly amazing person to care so much for her children. I hope everything works out well for you all

Once they feel like your own, it would feel like a loss not to have them there with you. I have a feeling you will keep them. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

You are an incredible person. I'm so sorry for your (and the children's) loss x