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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Update on a caring for friends children.

149 replies

Updatemate · 22/01/2021 18:15

A while a go I posted about a friend of mine who was terminally ill and she had 2 young children, had lost her husband early last year very suddenly and it was questionable who would care for the children.

I wanted to update anyone who remembers. The thread was removed because a family member contacted me and asked it was.

Well sadly, she died just before Christmas and the children have remained with us for the time being. SS are involved by feel the children are best with us until something more formal can be arranged. The maternal grandparents are living in bfs house temporarily and visit us (the children) frequently (I'm not sure it is strictly 'allowed' under covid but SS feel it is beneficial). SS have ruled out the sister in Australia - based on her husbands lack of engagement with them. They have advised that if he were to be willing to engage or sister was to leave him they would reconsider, though there is a timeframe. But basically he doesn't want to take them on. We've zoomed with them and to be honest I'm relieved, he isn't very nice and I would worry about them all the way over there.

DH and I haven't decided if we are able to parent the children going forward, they are lovely and have slotted in to our family life really well but it is such a huge commitment with such wide reaching ramifications if we make the wrong decision. But they do feel very much 'ours'.

So not much of an update I'm afraid - but thank you to everyone who took time to respond to my original post, I really appreciated the advice.

OP posts:
Cheeseandlobster · 22/01/2021 22:10

You and your husband are wonderful people op. Do your friends husbands family see the children too? Its such a sad situation for everyone involved

Original poster
Updatemate · 22/01/2021 22:12

Cheeseandlobster not currently, they live far away and are unwell.

OP posts:
BenoneBeauty · 22/01/2021 22:12

I didn't read your original thread Op but from reading this you're doing amazingly well in horrendous circumstances. However it turns out, you have given them stability in truly awful circumstances. I totally get that you're concerned about your own children and they have to come first for you. It's just such a tough situation and so unfair for those poor little children. Good luck Op with everything ThanksThanks

friedafinn · 22/01/2021 22:15

I remember your thread, sorry for your loss Thanks

EggyPegg · 22/01/2021 22:16

@Updatemate

WinstonmissesXmas

It's not the finances that worry us. We're comfortable without the financial support the children come with (not millionaires, just two professionals with a decent annual income and secure jobs).

I'm more concerned about the impact on my biological children.

This is absolutely a valid concern. Playing devils advocate, what would be the impact if your friends children were to move out? How long have your friends children been with you now?
EggyPegg · 22/01/2021 22:17

You are amazing by the way. To be a constant in such a traumatic past year for those children.

Chanandlerbong01 · 22/01/2021 22:21

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Whatever you decide will be the right decision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2021 22:24

Thank you for being there for these children when no one else could. Whatever you decide, you’ve done an amazing thing. It sounds like you really care for them. Flowers

Goldenhedgehogs · 22/01/2021 22:31

Op, just to echo you are doing a good thing for those kids and whatever you decide you will have really helped them in a very traumatic time. Can I just ask you to look into your rights as carers, it will be a huge financial commitment if you do take the kids on and councils are keen to give less money to kinship carers than they would foster carers. You maybe encouraged to sign a special guardianship order, and this usually means money is paid but at a lower rate and kids have less access to support. You are not being greedy you are securing money to help those traumatised kids have a good life. Perhaps do some googling around kinship carers equality, I know you are not family but principle same

PurpleMustang · 22/01/2021 22:41

Wow what an amazing thing to do. Think maybe ask SS if you could maybe put in touch with a family where this has been successful and ask them what help/support they found they needed for all of the children both from yourselves and professionals. Do her parents live local? If they are a positive influence on the kids could there be an arrangement where they have them for dinner once a week and/or stay over a weekend once a month?

EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2021 22:43

I remember your previous thread OP. You sound amazing. I hope it works out.

I appreciate it won't be easy, if the kids stay with you. But it sounds like you'd be a great family for them.

Dimpous · 22/01/2021 22:45

Thank you so much for coming back and updating OP. What a wonderful friend you are. I hope that you and the children reach a decision that is right for you all Thanks

Whybot · 22/01/2021 22:53

What a friend. I honour you !

Tistheseason17 · 22/01/2021 22:54

OP- You sound amazing. You and your DH need to do what is right for you and your children. Can you access adoption counselling to discuss impacts?

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 22/01/2021 23:02

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to hear you're all doing well.

EileenGC · 22/01/2021 23:18

Thanks for updating OP, I remember your first thread.

Those children are lucky to have you in their lives, whether it'll turn into a permanent arrangement or not. You have done such a lovely thing by taking them into your home.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. She would be so proud and relived to see her kids are treated with so much love by you. Sending you lots of strength for the next months, I'll keep you and your now large family in my prayers Thanks

Cheeseandlobster · 23/01/2021 00:52

@Updatemate

Cheeseandlobster not currently, they live far away and are unwell.
Oh how difficult for them too. My heart goes out to all of you
Cattitudes · 23/01/2021 01:18

I imagine it was such a relief for your friend to know that they would be looked after. I guess in terms of what to decide one issue is whether you felt your biological family was complete. Are the children in the same school? Do try to secure as much back up support as possible. They might not be classed as looked after children as it is a private arrangement which might mean they don't have the same priority support/ education.

Fortunately at that age they live more in the moment but I imagine that teenager years could be more complicated. Also when other family members die - when a family member died a few years ago ds was not too sad, now another family member has died he is thinking now about both losses.

I suppose too you need to think about the role of grandparents, does each prioritise their 'own' grandchildren or are they all treated the same. What do your families think? Not that you want to consider it but what happens if you die, the larger the family gets the harder it is to place them together. Tough questions to think about.

So sorry to hear your news but it is a great thing you are doing and whatever is decided I think it is great that they had this time of stability and they are settled with you.

StartupRepair · 23/01/2021 03:02

You sound so lovely and it must have helped your friend to know that you would step in at least for the short term. Of course you must consider your own biological DC and the plans you had for your family. Good luck with the process.

Original poster
Updatemate · 23/01/2021 08:21

Cattitudes yes our family was complete before DC2 came along! I've never wanted a large family. Luckily the 2 school age ones are in the same class and the 2 younger ones in the nursery there too.

No idea about grandparents. My mum I'd image would treat them all as hers, my dad is very arms length anyway I doubt there's be much noticeable change there. No idea about PIL.

I'm having a nice lie in whilst DH has all 4 downstairs and I can heat them all giggling and then the moaning!

They've been with us on and off since their dad died. Their gran for covid then bf got I'll so they moved in for a bit until they were all better (or so we thought) gran now has long covid and bf got worse and worse so they moved back in in September to help with school runs etc and friend to deal with her diagnosis and get things organised.

If I asked DC1 (DC2 is to young) if they should stay forever it'd probably be a yes, but obviously there's be very limited consideration in that answer!

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 23/01/2021 08:27

Thank you for the update, you are a wonderful couple. Flowers

radioband · 23/01/2021 08:33

I really want these children to stay with you, you sound amazing and they’ve had so much go on already in their little lives. I understand the difficulties for you in deciding it’s such a massive commitment. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, you’ve made such a difficult time in their life as easy as it could be.

Arobase · 23/01/2021 08:55

I know money isn't a big issue, but aren't you entitled to some sort of fostering allowance from the council?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 23/01/2021 09:04

I remember you Thanks
I am so sorry for your loss and for everything you are coping with.
It's an amazing thing you're doing, it must be so hard, I can't imagine.

Original poster
Updatemate · 23/01/2021 09:08

Arobase I don't think so as we both work full time.

radioband it's not really the commitment we have issues with but the impact on our biological kids, the reduction in 1:1 time they'll get. I hated being in a large family but we were much more spread out age-wise.

DH thinks I'm worrying too much!

OP posts:
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