Update on a caring for friends children.

[Updatemate]

A while a go I posted about a friend of mine who was terminally ill and she had 2 young children, had lost her husband early last year very suddenly and it was questionable who would care for the children.

I wanted to update anyone who remembers. The thread was removed because a family member contacted me and asked it was.

Well sadly, she died just before Christmas and the children have remained with us for the time being. SS are involved by feel the children are best with us until something more formal can be arranged. The maternal grandparents are living in bfs house temporarily and visit us (the children) frequently (I'm not sure it is strictly 'allowed' under covid but SS feel it is beneficial). SS have ruled out the sister in Australia - based on her husbands lack of engagement with them. They have advised that if he were to be willing to engage or sister was to leave him they would reconsider, though there is a timeframe. But basically he doesn't want to take them on. We've zoomed with them and to be honest I'm relieved, he isn't very nice and I would worry about them all the way over there.

DH and I haven't decided if we are able to parent the children going forward, they are lovely and have slotted in to our family life really well but it is such a huge commitment with such wide reaching ramifications if we make the wrong decision. But they do feel very much 'ours'.

So not much of an update I'm afraid - but thank you to everyone who took time to respond to my original post, I really appreciated the advice.

Yes, we've already upped the cleaner to twice a week and promoted her to housekeeper (lovely person, we have a good relationship). But yes, will probably look for more home help going forward, don't think we can stretch to a nanny though!

Such a hard choice but I think even if your bio children feel like they've had less time they will be immensely proud of the reasons why when they're grown up.

Fantastic OP that the parents made provision for their children and whilst some might say that is a fortune, you could well need every penny of it not least for university/accommodation etc.

My SIL had 4 children under 5 and despite herself and her husband working FT in two great well paid professional careers, having 4 in university at the same time put them under enormous financial pressure for years.
I read that Actuarie's calculated that it costs approximately 250,000 to raise a child.😳

It sounds like an enormous amount and it is, but when you factor in a university education where they are not left with a debt it seems like it could be believable.

Also with the house, adding on an extra living area, even a small cosy one, and making sure you have a room that you and your husband can escape too is always a good idea for the children and your marriage.
You should absolutely factor in housework as well and I would think having a cleaner to help you would not be a luxury but self care for both you and your husband.

What about a part time nanny? It could mean that you get to spend additional 1:1 with each child?

Also, did the SW discuss therapy for the children? If not and you decide to proceed, I would really push for it and get them to pay.

Have you considered what you would have wanted for your children if the roles were reversed?

It seems an impossible situation to imagine but your friend clearly had to.

Can you imagine how wholesome all the children's lives could be by your selflessness in ensuring they get the love and home they deserve? Yes 1:1 time
Might be reduced but as the ages are so similar that may not be something your children miss but you. How long would it take before you loved the kids as your own and then all these worries about shared time would go out the window as you may realised you are a family and that is what matters?

I hope they can stay with you and that if they don't it's is because of going to grandparents and not a foster home.

Best wishes

When they have been living with you for a long time and you know they feel like your own, they sound like they are, gifted to you by your best friend. We foster a SN child who has been with us for 9 years and he feels like one of my own. Not just me and DH think this but my adult children too. We made decision to offer him home for life. When he reaches 18 or 21 he will just carry on living here as normal. Can SS offer you a package to help you with additional costs you will incur?

Op, if you can I would find a counsellor who you feel comfortable with and look to have a weekly session for a bit where you can talk about your worries for your own children.

I think it is (unfortunately) natural to feel guilt in relation to our children. In your situation it will be really hard to work out if you should act on your guilt or learn to ignore it.

If it helps you decide, I have 3 kids and my middle child has significant additional needs. On MN people think it's selfish to have another child rather than concentrate on the two you've got, especially when one is disabled.

I chose to have a third and it's been wonderful particularly in lockdown as they have had each other for company. Your dc may loose some one to one time with you but they will gain relationships with two extra siblings which will see them through life.

Also, did the SW discuss therapy for the children? If not and you decide to proceed, I would really push for it and get them to pay.

I didn't know that was an option (them paying) I will ask.

It sounds like an enormous amount and it is, but when you factor in a university education where they are not left with a debt it seems like it could be believable.

Does seem a lot, but very believable! Ours will be taking a student loan if it available still by then, and we will help with living costs etc (for all).

We haven't approached SS regarding money (and they predictably haven't brought it up!) but I will do. These kids deserve everything we can get for them.

They are incredibly lucky children in as much as they have you and your DH. It's terrible that they have lost both parents but having you must be really helping them.

Just read this thread OP, and what a wonderful thing that you are even considering it. One of your main worries seems to be around not giving the children enough attention as that was your experience growing up. I think the fact that you are even aware of this, means that you will be fine in that respect, as you will ensure that the DC all get the time they need, It is certainly not a light undertaking, and I wish you the best of luck whatever happens.

@caringcarer that's amazing what you are doing too. I didn't realise foster places could last so long. How wonderful for him to have family security forever.

@Updatemate, you could do the formal fostering assessment in 3-6 months. Foster carers get an allowance of anywhere between £150-400 per child per week depending on their needs. This allowance includes food, clothing, activities, sports kits, days out, treats, holidays, birthdays (party) and Christmas as well as things like school trips, savings for child and includes an element of reward for you for caring for child. Our child does a lot of activities Monday Scouts, Tuesday Karate followed by swimming, Wednesday cricket training, Thursdays swimming squad training, Fridays cricket training, Saturdays cricket training, Sunday cricket training. He also has 1-1 cricket training in summer which is £30 p/h twice a week. He also has a tutor for Maths, English and Science once a week each at £30 p/h. As children get older the cost of caring for them shoots up. If they show a lot of promise in a sport or activity they will need specialist coaching. Our child has an England disability cricket trial when out of lockdown. What I am trying to say is that it sounds a lot of money you will get but we spend most of it on our child. I know some foster carers have moved to a bigger house to accommodate fostering a sibling group of four children with their own two. The fostering assessment is not hard and you would probably be fast tracked as already looking after friends children. You would also be entitled to receive training on things like first aid, safer caring, safeguarding, and many other courses, a few mandatory and many optional. Most courses focus around being given a few facts and then discussion with other carers. I became a carer by choice, you by circumstances, but it is very hard if you are trying to stretch a budget from 3 to 5 over night. It would take away several of your worries about stretching your resources so your children end up with less and there would be enough money to employ a cleaner so your time is spent on children rather than chores. Once a child is formally looked after by foster care they will be entitled to premiums at school to try to help compensate them for loosing their parents. They can still be in contact with grandparents and other family members. Give it some thought and you can pm if you want.

caringcarer

Thanks, I'll look in to it.

I remember your post.

I’m so sorry about your friend. It sounds like she really thought a lot of you, the biggest compliment about who you are as a person and as a parent.

Are the grandkids supportive? Would they also take on your dc as grandchildren? I’m thinking about if they get taken out for a holiday, will yours be included.

Whatever happens, good luck. You sound amazing

Just want to pop on and say I think you and your husband have done such a lovely thing to care for the children while permanent arrangements are sorted out. My heart is screaming for you to keep them as from your posts they seem so settled with you and your husband BUT I totally understand why you worry about your own children in the long term. You must do what is right for your own children. Good luck to you all.

I agree with applying to be their foster carer. That extra money could pay for a nanny to enable you to carry on working with minimal stress.

@Updatemate what a wonderful friend you are!

Long ago I remember reading about a neighbour visiting a family that had just moved into the neighborhood and the two women are standing at the window looking out to the two children playing in the yard. The neighbour asks the mother, "which is the adopted child?" And the mother answers, " I can't remember. " .... I think what you are doing for these children is guided by their mother & your best friend!

What a heartbreaking situation for you all.
I have 4 dc - nearly 3, nearly 5, 6 and nearly 15. It is bloody hard. And at times I think what the hell have I done. But each day gets easier as they get older!
As your children grow up, if they harbour some resentment, they’ll be older they’ll understand a lot more of the situation and hopefully be accepting of it. They’ll be ups and downs but it sounds like you’ve got great foundations to make this work.

What’s your dh opinion of this @Updatemate

I wish you the best of luck with all.

Hi lovely, it’s so reassuring to know how much thought you’re putting into this.

The only input I would give, to add to all the amazing input you’ve already had, is to give as much thought to how you and your kids may feel down the line if you didn’t keep them, as you do to how you’d all feel down the line if you did.

You’re obviously a very caring person who thinks the world of your BF’s children so you will surely make the right decision for them whatever that will be xxx

What’s your dh opinion of this

He is very relaxed and feels we can manage it, but he is also very aware that the majority burden falls on me - we have a fairly stereotypical division of administrative labour, which is not to say he does not do his share, just that his share is far more DIY related (which is considerable as the house is a renovation project). He does lots of physical childcare but organisation of child related stuff is my domain (and his is organisation of workmen, planning applications etc) as is school runs (as school is very near my work and we only have one car, he commutes by train, in the opposite direction).

He also knows I am much more "in my head" and he is much more "it'll be ok". He's usually right though!

I think if it were up to him, they would remain with us.

Presumably some of the money available could be used to get the house renovations finished more quickly or even rent for a while to free up DH time to do more of the life admin? Could he do more on his commute?

Having a nanny would make a huge difference and eventually an au pair would/could/should make a huge difference.

I was told by my council that there was funding available to adopted children through the Adoption Support Fund and that each child was able to access £5000 a year for specialised therapies. They said it was guaranteed until 2022 so it might be worth looking at

www.gov.uk/guidance/adoption-support-fund-asf

[quote GeorgiePorgieOrgie]I was told by my council that there was funding available to adopted children through the Adoption Support Fund and that each child was able to access £5000 a year for specialised therapies. They said it was guaranteed until 2022 so it might be worth looking at

www.gov.uk/guidance/adoption-support-fund-asf[/quote]
Thanks that is really helpful.

There will be different options available to you depending on the legal situation the children end up in: fostered by you as connected persons, you obtaining PR by way of a Special Guardianship Order, or by adopting them; but also by which Local Authority is involved.

Fostering offers the most support for you & financially but comes with the children being ‘in care’, meetings, the local authority having PR & you being bound by fostering rules - quite intrusive to all.

SGO means you get PR and can look after them until they are 18 essentially as your own. There would be a small allowance for a short while but probably not much in the long run. You might have access to advice from the adoption team if things get tricky. Usually PR is shared with parents which is why it is done instead of adoption.

Adoption would be similar in terms of little support of any sort but the kids would be entirely legally your children. I don’t see it making much difference in the long run.

You need to find out what you are entitled to in each scenario in your LA before you can start assuming access to paid therapy or financial support.

www.google.ie/amp/s/www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/parenting/how-do-you-cope-when-your-family-doubles-in-size-overnight-1.4437500%3fmode=amp

I hope the above link works. It is from the Irish times and relates to families in Ireland but you may find it interesting op.

Wishing you all the best.