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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to spend 2 days a week with my elderly mother. AIBU?

89 replies

thanklesschild · 22/01/2021 18:11

DM and DF live in a different town from me. In their 80s and in good health, although DF has more health issues than DM. We have been considering moving to the same town as them, although they are not aware of this. Much nicer location, cheaper housing and we would be on hand to support them. Had the following conversation with DM last night about my widowed aunt Anne and her daughter Denise (false names):
DM: Denise spends 2 days a week with Anne.
Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?
DM: Nothing much. They have a cup of coffee when Denise gets there, then they chat until it's time for lunch. Then they clear up together, watch TV and have another chat until it's time for a cup of tea, then Denise goes home at about 6.
Me: And they do that twice a week, week in week out? Why would anyone want to do that?
DM: It's company for Anne. That's what people do if their relatives are on their own and they love them. I would be really upset if I was on my own and you lived nearby and didn't do that for me.
The conversation went on for some time. DM conceded that she would only expect 1 day per week if I were working, which I am. I was shocked by DM's expectations and moving to her town is now impossible. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable tantrums further down the line if I don't fall in with her expectations. Help and support and dropping in for a couple of hours here and there - more than happy. But I would go off my nut if I had to spend 2 whole days per week in idle conversation. In terms of my set up, it's just DP and me. We are both quiet and a bit anti social, whereas DM is a lively busybody who has many friends and never stops talking. My question to you is AIBU in not being prepared to spend 2 days per week with my DM? Would you do this for your DM if she was on her own and lived nearby? Thank you for your responses. This has been going round and round in my mind.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 22/01/2021 18:15

Blimey-I’m with you! I love my mum and we live really close but I don’t just sit there with her all day twice a week?! Does Denise have no job or life of her own?

That would make me not want to move closer to them. Did she really not get that such one-sided expectations make people resentful?!

PanamaPattie · 22/01/2021 18:16

This expectation would convince me to move further away!

SummerHouse · 22/01/2021 18:16

I think if you did this it would likely ruin your relationship. Neither of you want that. Less is more. Unless you both enjoyed it. But you sound less like Ann and Denise, more like chalk and cheese.

Norealclue · 22/01/2021 18:18

I didnt vote because I know you dont have to do anything for your DM but OTOH it would be the more moral thing to spend time with whatever aged relatives a person has.
Perhaps your DM was irritated by you as a baby wanting fed in the night as a toddler with night wakings etc throughout your childhood. I know you didnt ask to be born.
It is hard to know what is best but I could never leave a sole surviving relative on their own

BrumBoo · 22/01/2021 18:20

My own mother went to her mother's every day without fail. However, that was more because whilst she was a competent functioning adult at work, she needed mumsy to make her anything from several cups of tea to a full dinner after she finished work. I didnt understand it, but as you may gather, I wasn't very close to my mother.

I'm sure many here would think that it's awful not to want to spend time with your mum, regardless of the level of relationship you have, but I couldn't have done it.

biddybird · 22/01/2021 18:21

Why does the time with your mum necessarily need to be spent in idle conversation?
Can you not think of more rewarding things to do together?

wetwiped · 22/01/2021 18:21

So one day a week, like you say as you're working. Wouldn't really be a full day would it. Late morning and stay for lunch, leave late afternoon. I'd be more than happy with that, depends on your relationship with DM doesn't it.

Howshouldibehave · 22/01/2021 18:21

@Norealclue

I didnt vote because I know you dont have to do anything for your DM but OTOH it would be the more moral thing to spend time with whatever aged relatives a person has. Perhaps your DM was irritated by you as a baby wanting fed in the night as a toddler with night wakings etc throughout your childhood. I know you didnt ask to be born. It is hard to know what is best but I could never leave a sole surviving relative on their own
But she isn’t on her own-she lives with the OP’s dad.
Chasingsquirrels · 22/01/2021 18:21

TBH at the moment I'd love to spend a couple of days a week with my mum, but that is because we've spent very little time together for nearly a year.

But no, just going and being there 2 full days would be a big commitment, especially if you are working.

I'd happily spent a couple of hours a few times a week though, and in their 80's (with or without health problems) I'd be aware that quality time was getting short (mine are mid-70's and I'm already thinking that).

BornIn78 · 22/01/2021 18:23

There’s no way I’d commit to 2 days a week.

Some weeks it may happen that I see my folks 2 or 3 times that week, spontaneously, but no way would I stick to a rigid schedule.

NiceGerbil · 22/01/2021 18:23

So if you work and she wants you 2 days that's the whole week gone!

00100001 · 22/01/2021 18:24

I wouldn't want to spend whole days every time.

But to drop by twice a week is good. Maybe for lunch one time. And then a cuppa another.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/01/2021 18:29

It's very strange that your mum would expect or want this when she has lots of friends.

Mamamia456 · 22/01/2021 18:31

Maybe Denise enjoys spending time with her mum. When my mum was alive I would visit her one day a week and stay for lunch and then leave about 3 or 4. We would chat, sometimes go shopping or go out and visit places in the summer. I really miss her.

AnnaMagnani · 22/01/2021 18:38

When my DF died we considered my DM moving nearer me.

Both of us now realise that would have been a HUGE mistake. She has loads of friends and a busy life, even in lockdown. I am married and work. Plus after a while we get on each others nerves.

Yes, I worry endlessly about her health and it doesn't really work when she is ill which has been a bit too often. But the rest of the time, it is by far the best.

sonjadog · 22/01/2021 18:41

I don´t know. I don´t think I would be prepared to commit to two days every week, but I would visit my mother regularly., probably at least once a week. We would get out and do things together though. Neither of us are sit around and drink tea kind of people.

ShopoholicIn · 22/01/2021 18:42

It all depends on your relationship with your mum. I would happily do this 5 days a week if i could. Each to their own..

funnelfanjo · 22/01/2021 18:44

Is that the kind of thing she did for her mother too OP, so is her expectation of what a good daughter does? My mum lived round the corner from my grandma and did everything for her and was round several times a day by the time she was the same age as your mum. Now mum herself is in her early 80s she remembers what it was like and says she knows I have my own life. I live a couple of hours away so can't just pop by - a visit takes up most of a day at a weekend but we don't just sit and natter, I do all sorts of small jobs for her and (pre-COVID) sometimes she wants to go to the shops or for a coffee etc.

Ideally I'd like to live closer so I could pop round more frequently for short visits but I'd do the same things I do now, just in smaller chunks of time but easier for keeping an eye on her. I get totally where you're coming from and YANBU.

SnowFields · 22/01/2021 18:46

She said one day, not two. In fairness, I don’t see why you couldn’t make up the hours you would be expected to do in one day over several and sell it to her as an advantage as she would see you more often. So if you think that could be agreeable then you can go back to looking at moving nearby.

But no, YANBU to not want to do it.

user1471466920 · 22/01/2021 18:47

Yanbu

riotlady · 22/01/2021 18:52

YANBU to not want to do this, but you sound a bit judgey of Anne and Denise who might well be perfectly happy watching tv and drinking tea together!

PussyCatInChristmasStockings · 22/01/2021 18:53

You and your DP sound exactly like me and my DH.

My Dad tried this on - for me to spend waste 2 or 3 days a week with my mum after he died (he "told" me while I was driving him home, in the fast lane of the motorway, from a Hosp appt - he knew that he'd not got long left) I said I'd pop over once a fortnight to take her shopping (and not 3 times a week which is what I was doing as I was doubling up as a 95mile round trip taxi service for him) he went quiet when I laughed and said "Not a chance".
I didn't do more than once a week, but then after he died things spiralled quite badly with my mum. I went NC eventually, before she broke me completely.

YANBU at all.
Do you have a spare bedroom? With a bed? You might want to change it to a hobby room

Bythemillpond · 22/01/2021 18:54

Pre Covid my adult children spent one day per week with me but we would always do something. Whether it was the theatre, a gig, or something off groupon or lastminute. Even sometimes the Zoo or Thorpe Park type thing. Or just an Am Dram play or going to see someone’s band at a pub. Add in lunch or dinner or afternoon tea etc.

I think we all have a good time and enjoy ourselves.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than staying in and doing the same thing every week. It would drive me bonkers with boredom let alone my children.

Runnerduck34 · 22/01/2021 18:55

Two days a week when working full time is too much,
However i do spend days with my mum similar to what you describe about once month ,imo every visit doesnt have to be action packed and activity based its ok to have a cuppa and a chat, watch a game show and just chill! We're about an hours drive away,if we lived closer i might pop round for a couple of hours once a week if I could.

Deadringer · 22/01/2021 18:59

I might be being a bit thick here, but is moving to her town now impossible because of her expectations or for other reasons? I would happily loaf about for hours at my mums house, but don't think either of yabu really, you just need to find a middle ground.

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