Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Don't want to spend 2 days a week with my elderly mother. AIBU?

89 replies

thanklesschild · 22/01/2021 18:11

DM and DF live in a different town from me. In their 80s and in good health, although DF has more health issues than DM. We have been considering moving to the same town as them, although they are not aware of this. Much nicer location, cheaper housing and we would be on hand to support them. Had the following conversation with DM last night about my widowed aunt Anne and her daughter Denise (false names):
DM: Denise spends 2 days a week with Anne.
Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?
DM: Nothing much. They have a cup of coffee when Denise gets there, then they chat until it's time for lunch. Then they clear up together, watch TV and have another chat until it's time for a cup of tea, then Denise goes home at about 6.
Me: And they do that twice a week, week in week out? Why would anyone want to do that?
DM: It's company for Anne. That's what people do if their relatives are on their own and they love them. I would be really upset if I was on my own and you lived nearby and didn't do that for me.
The conversation went on for some time. DM conceded that she would only expect 1 day per week if I were working, which I am. I was shocked by DM's expectations and moving to her town is now impossible. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable tantrums further down the line if I don't fall in with her expectations. Help and support and dropping in for a couple of hours here and there - more than happy. But I would go off my nut if I had to spend 2 whole days per week in idle conversation. In terms of my set up, it's just DP and me. We are both quiet and a bit anti social, whereas DM is a lively busybody who has many friends and never stops talking. My question to you is AIBU in not being prepared to spend 2 days per week with my DM? Would you do this for your DM if she was on her own and lived nearby? Thank you for your responses. This has been going round and round in my mind.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 22/01/2021 21:30

See I think 2/7 is what this woman spends that isn’t working so 2/7 times the waking hours in the weekend assuming you work full time should be the calculation. So that’s about 5 hours a week. To be fair I think even that’s too much but that could be your argument to argue it down to 5 hours.

billy1966 · 22/01/2021 21:43

Completely ridiculous if you think it it.

I would think it very normal to pop in several times a week for an hour if you could and lived nearby.

What you describe would be wholly too much for most people, even if they weren't working.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/01/2021 21:53

My mum would definitely not want me there all day. I'd be there an hour then she'd be like "so I expect you need to get home to [DH/kids/cat/anything] - I'm off out to meet Maggie smith in town for a walk, byeeee"

Looneytune253 · 22/01/2021 21:56

But she's not on her own like her aunt?? Surely the better thing for you to do if she was on her own would be to pop in for half an hour more frequently than sit for hours straight and talk about nothing. None of it is relevant at the moment anyway tho and just tell her you won't be allowed in due to covid rules anyway. Good excuse for now

Heyahun · 22/01/2021 22:19

In would because I absolutely love my mum and we are like friends! We get on really well and I love spending time with her ! But I wouldn’t want feel obliged to do it

HalfBrick · 22/01/2021 22:35

Go for the little and often approach, cup of tea one day, sandwich a couple of days later, call in on the way home from work another, that sort of thing, mix it up.

Mary46 · 23/01/2021 09:41

My mother compares too I just ignore the digs. As my husband says you have your own family. I visit once a week she quite demanding. Find it enough. Its the catty digs I dont like. Late 70s. Set in her ways

WanderingMilly · 23/01/2021 09:51

I wouldn't do this, and didn't while my parents were alive, not even when my mother went into a nursing home.

Now I'm older and living on my own, I still wouldn't want it. If any of my adult children think they can come over and hang around for a couple of days a week, I shall soon send them packing! Wouldn't dream of wanting it and wouldn't expect it.

You don't need to and you don't have to.....

cabingirl · 23/01/2021 20:34

YANBU as a choice for you but YABU to be so judgy about Anne and Denise and anyone who would like to do this with their mother. My Mum (and me) always spent all of Saturday with my Grandma - and we had a 40-minute train journey there and back. I would have done it in a heartbeat for my Mum. My Dad always spent half a day a week with his Mum too, then when she died he had lunch once a week with her sister. Some people just like hanging out with their parents.

If my Mum was alone and I was nearby I would probably have her over to mine several times a week for dinner and spend at least one weekend day with her at hers.

unmarkedbythat · 23/01/2021 20:41

I probably would spend a lot of time with my mum if she lived close by but not in a sense of doing it for her, I just would like to see her often. Everyone went to my nana's on a Saturday, she and my Grampa lived very close to the town centre and the relatives in villages came in for the market and shopping and would always come in, and everyone who lived in town popped in and out of the house catching up all day. I really loved that when we were there and missed it when we moved so much as we grew up. So even though it would never be something quite like that again, I'd probably always want to have at least an afternoon a week when I was just there with her. Although this may be coloured by not having seen her for a year because of the pandemic and missing her quite a lot!

FolkyFoxFace · 23/01/2021 21:39

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with your parent/s.

I happily spent a few afternoons a week with my dad when he was alive. We'd catch up, chat, have lunch, go shopping, go to galleries, NT gardens together, etc. But we were always incredibly close, more like friends really.

I spent a lot of time there before my mum died anyway, so it wasn't done just to keep him company - it was just normal for both of us. We got on.

I suppose if your relationship with your DM is different then that's fair enough. I don't think the "God what do they do/boring" comment was very nice though. Different strokes!

hulahooper2 · 23/01/2021 21:53

You won’t always have your mum , if you know you won’t then regret spending time with her then don’t .

Mary46 · 24/01/2021 00:17

Depends on distance too. I usually call after work on Friday. Before covid kids had sport Sat and Sundays. Only so much you can do. But agree they not around forever. She doesnt drive so its hard.

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/01/2021 00:22

Rather than spend the day together you could invite her over for dinner more regularly. Even if you’re working a regular casual dinner or two with the family might help them feel less lonely. Maybe the gc could go to theirs after school if they’re old enough and have their tea there. Then weekends you could keep it more flexible.

In your position I’d do everything possible to make something work. They’re in their 80s and probably don’t have long left - why not make the most of any free time you have with them.

Flip

1 2 3 4